Overcome F.E.A.R. (Failed Expectations Affecting Reality) or Be Overcome by It

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom From MEdom Project…

You are not alone…

• 18.8 Million American adults will suffer from depression this year.
• 2.3 Million American adults will struggle with Bipolar disorder this year.
• 9.1 Million American adults have an anxiety disorder.
• 2.4 Million American adults will experience a panic disorder this year.
• 3.3 Million American adults will be treated for OCD this year.
• 5.2 Million American adults will experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder this year.

When it comes to our fears and our obsessions with trying everything we can to overcome them, it would make the most sense if we could simply stop being fearful; if we could simply flip the switch and stop the feelings of anxiety, stress, and worry.

If only it were that easy.

President Barack Obama, in 2008, said the following: “I was so obsessed with me and the reasons I might be dissatisfied that I couldn’t focus on other people… Whenever I take wrong steps a lot of the times I protect myself instead of trying to do God’s work.” I’m not sure whether he realized it or not, but this might be the most profound statement outside of Scripture speaking to the human condition that I think I’ve ever heard. It’s loaded with insight. It speaks of our addiction to self, failed or unmet expectations and its effect on us and our relationships, the adverse consequence of resulting behavior, the fear that drives us into self-preservation mode, and finally, the distraction from fellowship with God necessary to know and do His will.

We all want that feeling of self-satisfaction—contentment—even though we have never really experienced such a feeling. What we have experienced, and continue to experience, is the feeling or sense of dissatisfaction leading to discomfort and pain. We experience dissatisfaction within our physical bodies, our thoughts and feelings, our circumstances, our relationships, and in the world. Such dissatisfaction is derived from unmet and failed expectations. The scope of these failed expectations can range from the discomfort of a mosquito bite to extreme physical pain; from not getting that bike as a kid to not getting the promotion you felt you were in line for; from being teased by a sibling or friend to physical, emotional and sexual abuse from a parent; from being stuck in traffic to being a victim of a crime; from catching a cold to falling prey to a debilitating disease; from that boy or girl not going out with you as a young person to the experience of divorce and custody battles. You get the idea.

From our history of life experiences comes pain and sorrow, and guilt and shame. Bottom line on the differences is that guilt represents behavior resulting in mistakes, wrongs, and harm that present the opportunity for learning, repentance, and growth. While shame—the internalizing of harm and wrong to the point that it defines one’s belief system, tends to lead to feelings of failure, sorrow, depression, and fear. Guilt allows a person to move forward while shame can completely paralyze and immobilize its victim. The weapon used to slay every single one of us is F.E.A.R.—Failed Expectations Affecting Reality. The devil will club us over the head and stab us in the gut repeatedly utilizing the fear weaponized in our own brains against us—fear manufactured and manipulated out of shame we have defined ourselves by. I don’t know how, but the devil is able to communicate lies to us, trapping us in shame according to so many unmet expectations we have of ourselves in our desperation to also satisfy the expectations of so many others; an insurmountable task.

“Guilt and Shame, Scabs and Scars” makes a clear distinction between scabs and scars as it relates to one’s ability to be functionally healthy versus being stuck in dysfunction. Scars are healed wounds. You can see the evidence of healing while remembering the event that opened the wound in the first place. Since the wound has healed, the memory of the event no longer has power. The memory that’s been healed no longer has ownership of one’s feelings and attitudes. Scabs and bruises, on the other hand, are wounds in the process of healing, but as soon as friction and conflict come to the wound, the scab is ripped off and the wound breaks wide open bleeding all over the wounded person and affecting all who come in contact with the wounded person.

The reality for people with open wounds and mere scabs is that they continue to hurt from their injuries. The pain and suffering serves as an obstruction, impairment, and antagonist in their ability and willingness toward healthy thought-life, relationships, and overall functioning. People in pain tend to get swallowed up by fear and the need to protect themselves. When efforts to improve their circumstances result in more disappointment, they become less and less willing to absorb the risk to themselves and others they come to believe they are protecting.

The most severe consequence of a history of painful events in a person’s life is when history shapes values and beliefs. The person who was physically or sexually abused might avoid physical contact and affection even from those they love the most, whether it be their spouse or even their children. Then children growing up in a home they perceive is cold and loveless in the absence of affection and expression of love, grow up and then enter into relationships and start families that perpetuate the pattern. Men and women from such a history can be just passionate enough to date, get married and start a family, but then passion gives way to apprehension and fear, and then of course, confusion and conflict. There might be verbal and physical abuse. There might be sexual abuse between married spouses. There might be affairs of the heart with others that eventually lead to sexual encounters outside of the marriage. These couples might spend time in therapy before they divorce and split the family.

Irrational Beliefs

Theorist, Albert Ellis, wrote that (A) Activating events throughout our life experience will shape and alter our (B) Beliefs about those events as we interpret how such events define who we are in our own minds. Since our interpretations are so powerful, they represent for us truth about who we are leading to both dependent and codependent thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Once victimized, the belief from such activating events is that one is entitled to abuse and neglect against him or her as a perpetual victim. Another possibility is that the abused compensates for his/her beliefs about being repeatedly being victimized, and becomes trigger happy when it comes to vengence and self-protection as a matter of survival. So when the victim is in the express line at the store behind a customer having an item or two over the express-line limit, he/she is quick to pull the trigger and goes on a verbally abusive rampage to ensure he/she is not falling prey to being victimized again by the customer in front of him/her or by the cashier.

The abused woman (pictured above left) may cringe the first time, and perhaps every time her date initiates even mild affection. Ellis calls this the (C) Consequence of ‘A’ (Activating Event) because of ‘B’ (Belief about ‘A’). The person in line at the store allowed real historical events in her life to so affect how she sees herself and the world, that such beliefs have become irrational. For the abused woman to resist the touch of a good caring compassionate man whom she loves and trusts is irrational. These irrational beliefs carry life-altering consequences. We can get to the point that we cannot distinguish the lies within an irrational belief system from what is true and real. Things happen in even our most loving relationships and we conclude that we are no longer, or were never loved, in those relationships.

It is our nature to buy into a belief system shaped by our experience. These are the experiences that affect our reality, promoting the fear that can render us paralyzed by our shame, slaves to our pain. We do what we have to in order to survive our dissatisfaction. We can love God and struggle mightily with a belief system that is rooted in lies about ourselves, other people and the world in general.

The way our brains work is that experiences trigger biochemical transmissions that trigger thoughts and feelings and there is nothing we can do about it. Oh, we can withdraw from people and situations. We can isolate and alienate. We can project blame for our problems onto other people and in our circumstances. We can displace our anger and resentment and others will indeed pay a price. We can suppress our fear and repress our guilt rather than address it in some healthy manner. We can act out through rage, revenge, and/or unhealthy sexual expression. We can try to buy or eat our way out. We can insulate ourselves to the point that we’re unable to feel any sort of joy in our life. There’s a lot we can do and not do in response to F.E.A.R. to try to escape and find relief. But, in the end, where does it leave us? Where are we? Are we really any better off? Or, are our attempts to relieve our discontent only temporary?

The only authentic measure of actual recovery is found in relationship with the One who can heal our wounds, and rearrange the altered automatic processes of our brains. Scripture tells us that when we offer ourselves sacrificially to God in relationship with Jesus Christ—that is by how we act with our bodies, that He will completely transform our brain, renewing our minds, infusing our desires and intentions with His desires (Romans 12:1-2). It is written that as we come to ADMIT that we cannot fix our unmanagable lives; and as we come to really—I mean, really—come to BELIEVE that God is able and willing to do for us and in us what we cannot do for ourselves; and as we COMMIT to letting go of what we can’t control anyway, get out of our own way, and trust Him enough to confess to Him our lack and our need—talking to Him with our voice, that He will empower us to extraordinary things in our lives—at least in relation to our utter inability to heal ourselves. We are promised God’s transcendent peace that will guard our hearts and minds in the midst of whatever’s going on (Philippians 4:6-7).

What drug addict ever said to himself while ingesting the drug, “I sure hope someday that I’m a drug addict. Wouldn’t it be great to be so dependent on this drug that I will be forever sick without it?” Yet how many of us are so addicted to our past of discontentment, pain and struggle that we will continue our futile efforts through sick behavior and thinking to somehow manage in our disease?

The Bible says that faith is the substance (meaning assurance, confidence) of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen. Like I’ve said and written before, you can’t see gravity, or oxygen, but you accept both as true and real according to the evidence. The challenge for me and for what I have presented to the people I counsel, I present to you. You are not always going to feel confident or faithful, but you can pray because you are hopeful that God is who He says He is. Then, let’s see what happens. Over time, perhaps what you have come believe to about yourself, and the lies you’ve bought into about your world, gives way to what you experience trusting God, experiencing truth, as He changes you into something new. You are transformed in the way that overcomes F.E.A.R. instead of being overcome by the fear of failed expectaions.

When that happens and someone says to you, “What’s new?”, tell them. Let ’em in. As truth is revealed to you, be revealing about the truth inside of you. Let it out. You never know when you will be a blessing to someone—the light that shines in their darkness.

Please pray that God will reveal to you His truth about what you just read. Pray that He will do a healing work in your heart and mind about your past. Pray that He will escort you into a NEW LIFE EXPERIENCE, according to what He expects for you. Remember that what He expects is for you to leave your past at the cross and embrace what He can and will do for you from His throne of compassionate mercy and grace.

Understanding to Overcome Thinking Problems

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

President Barack Obama, in 2008, said the following: “I was so obsessed with me and the reasons I might be dissatisfied that I couldn’t focus on other people… Whenever I take wrong steps a lot of the times I protect myself instead of trying to do God’s work.” I’m not sure whether he realized it or not, but this might be the most profound statement outside of Scripture speaking to the human condition that I think I’ve ever heard. It’s loaded with insight. It speaks of our addiction to self, failed or unmet expectations and its effect on us and our relationships, the adverse consequence of resulting behavior, the fear that drives us into self-preservation mode, and finally, the distraction from fellowship with God necessary to know and do His will.

We all want that feeling of self-satisfaction even though we have never really experienced such a feeling. We tend to settle for instant gratification that comes through pleasure or relief. Instant gratification settles some immediate anxiety while it perpetuates (makes worse) our overall chronic anxiety. What we have experienced, and continue to experience is the feeling or sense of dissatisfaction. We experience dissatisfaction within our physical bodies, our thoughts and feelings, our circumstances, our relationships, and in the world. Such dissatisfaction is derived from unmet and failed expectations.

The scope of these failed expectations can range from the discomfort of a mosquito bite to extreme physical pain; from not getting that bike as a kid to not getting the promotion you felt you were in line for; from being teased by a sibling or friend to physical, emotional and sexual abuse from a parent; from being stuck in traffic to being a victim of a crime; from catching a cold to falling prey to a debilitating disease; from that boy or girl not going out with you as a young person to the experience of divorce and custody battles. You get the idea.

From our history of life experiences comes pain and sorrow, and guilt and shame. There is content in FFMP that delves deep into the differences between guilt and shame. Bottom line on the differences is that guilt represents behavior resulting in mistakes, wrongs, and harm that present the opportunity for learning, repentance, and growth. While shame—the internalizing of harm and wrong to the point that it defines one’s belief system, tends to lead to feelings of failure, sorrow, depression, and fear. Guilt allows a person to move forward while shame can completely paralyze and immobilize its victim.

The problem is that the true picture of guilt and shame has been clouded by a plethora of fictional tales along the way that lead us to believethings about ourselves that are hardly the whole truth. Let’s look at a valuable tool for examining the problem of irrational beliefs called REBT, Rational Emotive Behavioral Theory, by Albert Ellis.

RATIONAL—cognitive mind; thinking

EMOTIVE—emotional system; feeling

BEHAVIORAL—actions driven by thoughts and feelings

• Jesus said to love God with all of your SOUL (spiritually), MIND (cognitively), HEART (behaviorally) and BODY/Strength (physically); and to love your neighbor as yourself.
• This is easier said than done. Why? Because in our own strength, we lack sufficient willpower to adequately loveand take care of ourselves. Thoughts and feelings invade our minds and infect us; polluting and perverting our belief system to the extent that intentions and reactions become irrational, thus become self-destructive and then other-destructive.

A = Activating Event

• Identify examples of occurrences that have led to—activated—intense feelings that impact thinking concerning the past, present and future.
• Examples of events can include physical, verbal and sexual abuse; absence of affection growing up; feeling bullied; scholastic failure; athletic and competitive inferiority; socially traumatic events and situations; family dysfunction; failed relationships; job loss; death with family (spouse, children, parents, siblings, grandparents) and friends; gang interaction and violence; field combat and other military experiences; disease; tragedy/disaster, etc.

B = Belief about A

• Belief is borne out of interpretation of the event(s) activating strong thoughts and feelings. A pattern of occurrences evokes lasting impressions that tend to define how people view the world, relationships, and circumstances in their lives.
• The problem is that the brush of interpretation is a broad brush and alters accurate and more realistic perceptions of facts and truth.
• Irrational beliefs occur when truth is hidden and reality is altered by patterns of events and perceived consistencies associated with history of events.

C = Consequence of A because of B

• Consequences, intended and unintended, are borne out of irrational beliefs.
• Victims of abuse engage in unhealthy dysfunctional troubled relationships, often finding their “peer”, which tends to be a victim of abuse who’s become an abuser.
• Young children bullied and abused by parents likely withdraws and isolates socially with adults and other kids; and/or, bullies and abuses other children while perhaps verbally offending adults.
• Repeated failed expectations, whether they were realistic or not, tend to evoke chronic feelings of disappointment, discouragement and depression; withdrawal, isolation and alienation, and fear; intense anger, resentment and rage; vengeance.
• Additional consequences can include: divorce, chronic unemployment and under employment, underachievement, drop out of school, financial difficulty and bankruptcy, criminal activity and other anti-social behavior.
• Addiction: chemical addiction, food addiction, sexual addiction, approval addiction, relationship addiction and codependency, perfectionism, spending and materialistic addictions, competition and gambling addiction, etc.

Reality versus Fiction—

• Fiction/Lies—Considering life events, list perceptions and strong feelings activated by those events that led to beliefs about self that, looking back, may have been lies about perceptions of self, family and all important relationships; about perceptions of how the world works.
• Reality/Truth—Considering the history of life events, attempt to discern truth about the past and how it can affect current thoughts and feelings concerning past, present, and future relationships and relevant circumstances.

Past—

A = Identify an event of the past that was active in that it affected you deeply

B = Looking back, what do you remember you believed (and perhaps still believe) about A?

C = What ultimately was the consequence of A, the activating event, because ofB, what you believed about A?

• Is it possible that what you believed about A was on some level irrational? Why, or why not?
• What about your beliefs about A might not in fact be accurate?
• How were your beliefs about A impacted by thoughts and memories of past experiences?
• How were the end results of A the consequence of irrational beliefs you may have had about A?

Present—

A = Identify an event that is active in the present that you are dealing with some discomfort over it.

B = What is your initial interpretation or belief about A, the activating event?

C = Consider the potential consequence about A, the activating event, because of what you B, believe, about A.

Same questions in present tense—

• Is it possible that what you believe about A is on some level irrational? Why, or why not?
• What about your beliefs about A might not in fact be accurate?
• How are your beliefs about A impacted by thoughts and memories of past experiences?
• How are the end results of A the consequence of irrational beliefs you may have had about A?

As you do the work of understanding thinking problems, seeing the truth through lies that you tend to believe due to irrational beliefs about activating events throughout your life, you have the opportunity to overcome both real and perceived failures. Failures are unmet expectations whether the expectations are realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy. Either way, failed expectations tend to affect your reality, which can lead to fear of failure.

Healthy or not, fear trends toward immobility. Ever been so scared you could not move? Fear of failure works the same way. While the need to protect yourself seems to serve a logical purpose, when self-preservation is predicated on an irrational belief then the need to protect yourself serves a purpose that is not logical, perhaps not even sensible. Fear of failure can have a paralyzing effect and your life becomes non-productive.    

Overcoming F.E.A.R. (Failed Expectations Affecting Reality)

The more we are pummeled by unmet expectations, the more we develop a deepening sense of failure that results in the experience of fear. Once frozen by fear, we tend to withdraw, feel unworthy, isolate (pull way), alienate (push away), self-preserve and protect, erect barriers and walls, and defer from risk. 

Consequences of F.E.A.R. include: unhealthy relationships, dysfunctional families, addictive behaviors, loneliness, tendencies toward passive-aggressive behavior, affection and intimacy issues, engaging in abusive relationships (victim or villain), self-loathing and self-abusive behavior. 

• Growing up, what would you say were expectations placed on you that were unrealistic?
• Who placed those expectations upon you?
• How effective were you in meeting unrealistic expectations?
• How did unmet expectations impact your life at the time?
• How do those unmet expectations affect you today?
• What are the expectations that you are living up to today?
• Are they realistic? Why, or why not?
• How does not meeting present day expectations impact your life?
• How does your continuing battle with unrealistic expectations affect you?
• What expectations past and present have you put on yourself?
• Of your self-expectations, which are realistic?
• Of your self-expectations, which are unrealistic?
• How have unrealistic self-expectations impacted your life?
• What do you think needs to happen to reverse the trend and impact of unrealistic expectations you have for yourself?
• What would you say are realistic expectations for your life when you quit believing the lies that have led to past failures? List at least five based on sound recovery principles.
• List at least three action steps that will enable/empower you to meet those realistic expectations with God’s help along the way.
• How do you feel having worked through this application challenge?

Please take some time to pray and to ask God for courage, strength, and comfort to pursue His will and purpose for your life according to His gracious expectations.