{"id":7150,"date":"2013-11-20T02:39:00","date_gmt":"2013-11-20T02:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.freedomfrommedom.com\/wp3\/?p=7150"},"modified":"2024-02-25T06:57:57","modified_gmt":"2024-02-25T06:57:57","slug":"managing-conflict-anger-resentment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.freedomfrommedom.com\/wp3\/admit\/managing-conflict-anger-resentment","title":{"rendered":"Pop Goes the Weasel… Managing Conflict, Anger, & Resentment"},"content":{"rendered":"
by Steven Gledhill<\/em><\/span> for FREEdom from MEdom Project<\/span><\/h5>\n

“We will sacrifice anything on the altar of our anger, the rage that is slowly building from a lifetime of thwarted desire—our marriages, our child’s self-esteem, someone’s very life.<\/em>\u00a0—John Eldredge, author, The Journey of Desire<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Anger, and one’s reaction to it, is treacherous terrain that can sneak up on us gradually or come on all of a sudden. Anger is like blowing up a balloon. The balloon is the constitution within me that holds and releases anger through how I choose to express my anger. The hot air in the balloon is the internal collection of experiences that throughout the course of my life have accumulated into a deep pool of angry emotion flooding my soul. The pin that pokes at my anger balloon are the external experiences of everyday. As the balloon becomes more and more full of hot air it will take less and less applied pressure from the pin pricks to break through the skin of this balloon and cause it to explode.<\/p>\n

We all get angry. When we get angry\u00a0our blood pressure goes up. Our heart rate increases. The rise of blood pressure and heart rate can be substantial. There is\u00a0a significant surge of\u00a0adrenaline. There are things happening throughout the body and chemistry of the brain that, if unresolved, can result in unhealthy consequences. Anger increases our level of stress. It is important and necessary that we do something with our anger.\u00a0The question is, how do we manage our anger in a way that is good for us, as well as for those we interact with while we\u2019re angry?<\/p>\n

Have you ever heard of a hormone in your brain called Cortisol?<\/p>\n

According to\u00a0Christopher Bergland<\/a> is a world-class endurance athlete, Guinness world record holder (153.76-miles in 24 hours running on a treadmill), and three-time champion of the Triple Ironman competition,<\/p>\n

“The stress\u00a0hormone, Cortisol, is public health\u00a0enemy number one. Scientists have known for years that elevated Cortisol levels: interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, increase weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease… The list goes on and on. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

“Chronic stress and elevated Cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy. two separate studies were published linking elevated Cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resilience\u2014especially in\u00a0adolescence.\u00a0Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

“Both Eustress (good stress) and distress (bad stress) release Cortisol as part of the general adaption syndrome. Once the alarm to release Cortisol has sounded, your body becomes mobilized and ready for action\u2014but there has to be a physical release of fight or flight. Otherwise, Cortisol levels build up in the blood which wreaks havoc on your mind and body.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

“Eustress creates a “seize-the-day” heightened state of arousal, which is invigorating and often linked with a tangible goal. Cortisol returns to normal upon completion of the task. Distress, or free floating anxiety, doesn’t provide an outlet for the Cortisol and causes the fight-or-flight mechanism to backfire. Ironically, our own biology\u2014which was designed to insure our survival as hunters and gatherers\u2014is sabotaging our bodies and minds in a sedentary digital age.”\u00a0<\/em><\/span>(Published in<\/span><\/span> Psychology Today<\/a>, 2013)<\/span><\/p>\n

Anger and, in particular rage, tend to \u201crequire\u201d an aggressive response in order to relieve the stress caused by anger. According to Science, there is actually a hormone called Cortisol that is released when we respond to anger and rage. It seems as though the more aggressive the response, the more Cortisol is released, and the more quickly and easily we seem to come down from the chemical spikes in the brain.\u00a0Whenever, what scientists call, homeostasis (biochemical and overall physiological balance) is disturbed significantly by stress,\u00a0we can experience substantial difficulty to our health. Coronary functions can be damaged and\u00a0weakened. That is how stress and anxiety lead to heart disease. Anger and rage produce stress, and when prolonged, take us down a road of physical and emotional health problems.<\/p>\n

Add to this the problem of our selfish sin nature that has severely infected the GO and STOP\u00a0systems of our brain. Anger and rage fuel the GO system and produce an aggressive response of the STOP system when faced with a threat. This can be a lethal combination when the GO system and STOP system are producing an aggressive response to external and internal stimuli at the same time.\u00a0The external stimulus can be anything from something threatening you physically to someone saying something to you verbally that affects you emotionally, causing\u00a0your brain to protect you from the perceived threat. The internal stimuli can range from wanting to be loved and appreciated and everything under your control going your way, to the desire and perceived \u201cneed\u201d to conquer, win and be right. The selfish sin nature controls that part of our brain that wants so badly to win and feel good.<\/p>\n

So, we can conclude that\u00a0it is imperative that we have outlets for anger or we\u2019ll burst. The problem is that our brain is set up to automatically react to anger and rage according to our selfish sin nature. We tend to use aggressive vocal inflections, or in other words,\u00a0raise our voice and yell at someone as an expression of anger. We tend to use verbally aggressive language to express our anger. We might hit something or someone as an expression of anger. Parents may spank and hit their children, or send them to a \u201ctime out\u201d,\u00a0not because it is a reinforcing\u00a0tool for discipline, but as an expression of anger. Siblings will hit each other. Athletic combatants will utilize aggressive physical contact to express anger, deemed necessary for a competitive edge to resolve adrenaline spikes. It isn\u2019t just vocal volume and physical acts of aggression that attempt to experience relief from anger, but also the content of what is said. We\u2019ll use just the right words to exact our\u00a0revenge. Of course, there can be far severe expressions of anger and rage that\u00a0result in more severe consequences. Not only consequences that can\u00a0land a person in prison or result in someone beaten or killed, but result in terminated relationships\u2014personal and professional.
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\nResentment<\/span><\/p>\n

When we get stuck in anger, unable to adequately express it or fully resolve it,\u00a0we tend to develop feelings of resentment. Resentment is prolonged unresolved anger. It is the holding on to full blown balloons. It is usually directed toward other people. It can just as well be directed toward yourself, which is especially dangerous since at some point someone else is going to pay for it in some way when the balloon explodes all over him or her.<\/p>\n

Resentment is a powerful emotion trapped in the biochemical cycles of the brain that can have a serious impact whenever and wherever\u00a0it is triggered. It is not the point of this lesson to provide a blueprint laying out all of the ways resentment is pervasive in the hearts and minds of even the godliest people. The point is to take you on an exploration of discovery on how unresolved anger is affecting you and the relationships that are important to you. Resentment tends to build and fester in the hidden secret places of your mind and memory.<\/p>\n

“There is a reason Jesus chose lust and murder as examples of what happens when desire goes mad with in us. He knew what our deepest hearts naturally when our desire come into conflict. He knew to what lengths we would go to seek satisfaction of our soul’s hunger. For the battle of desire rages not only between us, but within us.”<\/span> —<\/span><\/em>John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Here is the thing about the balloon analogy. When the balloon continues to expand as the anger escalates until it can hardly contain another breath of air, it will not take much for the balloon to explode. When explosion occurs, everything contained in the balloon explodes all over everyone in the area of the balloon, which can lead to costly, if not tragic, terrifying outcomes… consequences that can cause long-lasting, perhaps even permanent damage. However, when air is released from the balloon through the use of recovery tools and coping skills to effectively manage anger and conflict, the balloon doesn’t get so full. If there isn’t so much internal pressure, it will take far greater external pressure to cause the balloon to explode. And even should the pin (external pressure) break through the skin of the balloon, when it does pop, there isn’t as much inside to evoke a whole lot of damage.<\/p>\n

The following are a series of questions that will help you to explore those\u00a0places in the mind and soul that represent the air (internal pressure) in your balloon. When answering the following\u00a0questions it is \u00a0beneficial to site examples with your responses:<\/p>\n

-How effectively would you say you manage your anger? Explain what typically happens when you become angry.<\/p>\n

-How effectively would you say you manage disappointment? Explain how you manage disappointment.<\/p>\n

-What are situations from the past when you felt most angry?<\/p>\n