by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

When the Levee Breaks (Restoring Trust)

Is trust something to be earned or is trust something that is lost?

One person might say, “How could you? I trusted you, completely. I don’t think I can trust you anymore.”

Another person might say, “I don’t know you well enough yet to trust you.”

And someone else might say, “I have been burned so many times, I don’t think I can trust anyone. You have to earn my trust.”

What has happened in the life of the person who holds onto trust as something so precious that to let it go even a little bit scares the person half to death, as they are sure to lose everything?

A considerable obstacle in the way of someone getting the help he or she needs is the element of trust. A person could desperately need the aid and assistance of another person but can reject the help fearing adversity trailing the help. “I need and would certainly benefit from your help but what strings are attached?” “What baggage is attached to the support I might receive from you?” “I don’t know you… I don’t trust you… I don’t believe you… Thank you for the offer; now please go away.”

If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break, when the levee breaks I’ll have no place to stay…
Don’t it make you feel bad when you’re tryin’ to find your way home, You don’t know which way to go?
Now, cryin’ won’t help you, prayin’ won’t do you no good, when the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.
—Kansas Joe McCoy and Memphis Minnie, 1929

Life is a process on a host of levels. The first step to overcoming trust issues and barriers to trust is to trust in the first step of the process of change. The reality is that you put your trust in “the process” every day of your life. The process for managing disappointment and pain is to build levees around your heart so that nothing gets in. There’s no cryin’, no prayin’, nothin’… nothin’ gets in, nothin’ gets out. Shuttin’ it down. It’s much safer that way.

There is the process of how the world works naturally and socially. The physical properties of the earth’s relationship with the sun that sustains life is a process. The physical properties of gravity is a process. Ecological systems are part of the life process. Socioeconomic systems are certainly a process. How my brain functions in relationship to the rest of my body is a most complex process. The relationship between the physiological, psychological, and spiritual qualities of life is a process that is evidence-based scientific fact while at the same time an unsolved mystery.

Choices made that fly in the face of the process can prove disruptive to the process and result in struggle and pain. People get hurt physically, psychologically, and spiritually. If you attempt to defy or cheat the process of gravity you will likely fall at some point and experience physical pain. You might test the process of weather and attempt to go out in frigid temperatures without a coat or gloves. You might get away with it for a time but at some point tempting nature will lead to frostbite and pain. Play with fire long enough and you’ll get burned.

What about psychological process?

Psychology is the study of human behavior. The psychological process that happens in the life of one person is affected directly and often indirectly by the psychological process of other human beings. It occurs within families and throughout family life, as well as within communities and community life. We might refer to this process as relationship. As it turns out, relationship process is essential to individual cognitive (what one thinks) and behavioral (what one does) process.

The relationship between one individual and another and between people and their community involves a process of morality; a standard of what is right and what is good; a standard of good and evil; and a standard of best and worst. Who determines what is considered moral and immoral? This problem renders the process of morality both vague and absolute; both subtle and extreme. The matter of morality is a mixed bag in relationships and societies and therefore unpredictable when it comes to relational and societal process. While it is true that there are laws in what is the social process and the process of government but when you transition into a foreign society even the process of law changes.

What I have attempted to do is to help you to see that so long as there are individuals, families, communities, governing bodies, and so on, living according to varying degrees of process, seeing life and the world each through their own lens, whether subtle or extreme, the laws of process (whether physiological or psychological) are being broken at every turn, seemingly with every step to one extent or another.

The truth is that while life’s process is flawed so long as we are all selfish creatures, we all have surrendered to the process. There is no way out.

My challenge teaching the process

My biggest challenge as a counselor in a state correctional center is the barrier of secularism; the restrictions that exist to protect the client from someone like me who knows by personal experience, THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIFE for real change… transformative change… the light of truth to change the course of history in the life of someone dying in the shame of the lies he has come to believe about himself and his life. I understand it, though. Religious differences have started wars; not a good thing inside a prison.

For the person who comes into my office that believes in the love and life-giving power of Jesus Christ, I am permitted to “go there” and speak freely with him since I share his values where that’s concerned. But for the person coming into my office that does not believe in God or prefers not talking about “religion”, for me to go there would be to impose my values onto him. That would be tantamount to an ethical breach; ethical according to the standards of the state of Illinois and the company who employs me. While protecting my job where that’s concerned is important for me, losing my position in the prison could mean robbing dozens, if not hundreds, of men seeking the most sensible vehicle to sustained recovery from the opportunity to receive what God has called me to extend to them. So I must use caution in how this hopeful message is delivered in a secular setting so I can stick around to deliver it.

My clients are prisoners at an Illinois correctional facility with substance abuse and dependence issues that have usually had a major impact on the man’s criminal thinking and behavior. The vast majority of my clients grew up in severely dysfunctional families where one or both parents were abusive and or negligent in how they raised their boys. Often, one or both of the parents of my clients were addicted to drugs, dealers of drugs, and incarcerated at one time or another. Often times, one or both of the parents of my clients were missing from their lives at one time or another. A number of my clients are wrestling with profound abandonment issues.

In prison my clients are receiving substance abuse treatment. What kind of trust issues and barriers to trust would you guess might be in play when it comes to this process of recovery? Is it that they struggle to process trust, to trust process, and struggle to trust the human agents that are involved in the process?

A client of mine suggested that he has experienced so many setbacks in his life that he has built up levee around his heart. The flood waters of rejection, betrayal and abandonment have stormed in and destroyed so much in his life that it is near impossible to trust anyone. Because he built the levee… this fortress… around his heart for protection against emotional damage, he is able hold back the flood of disappointment to the point that he has shut down emotionally; meaning that he has repressed his feelings, beat them down with the club of extreme disappointment and fear. He is set up to miss out on the best of genuine honest relationships that might find him otherwise.

He constructed the levees when expectations were consistently unmet. Little failures and betrayals would come through the walls of his heart a bit and he would plug the holes with sand bags. Then as betrayals from loved ones as a young child became more common place he would need to build the levees to replace the chunks taken out of the walls. As betrayal and rejection evolved into outright abandonment, the trauma of his childhood experiences required a remedy, sought through drugs and alcohol to replace unreliable people. Since he did not at that time have the materials to rebuild the walls of his heart adequately enough to hold up against the rushing waters of failure and disappointment, he did what he could to hold the waters at bay.

Caged by Shame

Several years back I worked with a woman who had been sexually molested by the boyfriend of her mother after her parents’ divorce. These sexual encounters included intercourse and went on for three years. My client at the time was manipulated into twisted thinking and did not know how to tell anyone for fear of punishment… extreme punishment. My client was nine years old when it began and twelve years old when it was discovered.

When it was discovered my client was scolded by her mother who informed the authorities that my client between the ages of nine and twelve dressed provocatively around the house in shorts and tank tops. Let me say it again… She was nine! She was ten… eleven years old… in her own home (as if that matters).

Child and Family Services did remove her from the home and she, along with her younger sister, was placed with her father. Her father had just remarried. My client’s stepmother manipulated this messed up middle-school aged girl and her younger sister into holding down their two-year-old stepbrother while her stepmother beat him repeatedly. I don’t know how long that went on but before my client started high school she had been place in foster care; some of it good and nurturing, some of it neglectful and abusive.

As an adult, my client at the time in her mid-thirties, had developed a drinking problem and was dependent on alcohol. She was good at shielding her teenage son from the severity of her problem until lapses in judgment took their toll and the problem became clear to all involved. She had become increasingly erratic, making peculiar choices and acting out in ways that were obviously irrational. If she was behind you in the express 10-items-or-less checkout aisle at the store, and she counted that you’d put twelve or thirteen items up there… well, look out because she was coming for you with a profanity-laced tirade humiliating herself, her husband and her son.

My client shook while she told me her story and talked about her early twenties participating in the underground world of orgy sex parties and such that were a part of her reacting to all of the betrayal and rejection when she had know idea how to react to the trauma in her life. She shook as she told me that her severely abused stepbrother, at eighteen years of age and mentally ill, committed suicide. Talk about the feelings of immense guilt and shame that my client had allowed to define her as an awful, evil person not able to experience forgiveness on any level. Through all of the abuse she had fallen victim to, over the years she had come to see herself as the villain of awful behavior that, in her mind, contributed to the death of her step-brother.

My client had allowed the guilt from her past to define her. Shame is when you believe the lie that the mistakes made by you and the mistakes and evil done against you to now define you. So instead of guilt saying, “I made a mistake.” Shame gets you to say, “I am a mistake.” While guilt will admit, “I did a bad thing.” Shame will convince you, “I am a bad person.” Guilt will seek to accept responsibility and make amends for an offense. Shame will lie to you again suggesting that there is no forgiveness for you. These lies feed addictive thinking into desperately seeking a remedy that fuels destructive behavior when the intended remedy never seems to quite cut it.

A couple of weeks into treatment, she persuaded her husband to buy a puppy. Her husband was resistant until my client agreed to take care of it. They had to keep the puppy in the cage because it unpredictably would have the runs and make a mess everywhere… everywhere. The puppy would do its business outside but then come back in the house and do plenty more. After carpets were cleaned a few times and some items disposed of for obvious reasons they knew they had to be very sensitive about the time the dog was out of the cage. They needed the cage to be on the tile floor in the kitchen since “the mess” went flying everywhere. While the puppy was out they loved on her but then they would put her back in the cage where the puppy would make mess after mess. If you were anywhere near the cage while the puppy was, well… you get the picture. The dog’s mess was sprayed and splashed all over you. For some three weeks the therapy group heard the daily report.

After the third week of this my client and her husband took a major step while the puppy was outside. Any guess, here?

They removed the cage. From that day forward, the puppy never made a mess in the house ever again. (Even after my client concluded her treatment, follow-up contacts revealed that the puppy grew into a much bigger dog with no “accidents” in the house.)

Suddenly, in the group therapy session, it hit me right between the eyes; and I get emotional sitting here writing about it. My client was trapped inside of her cage of betrayal, abandonment, shame and pain. As long as she was trapped in her cage of shame she made a mess all over herself and anyone else who got close to her. I told her that through the sacrifice of Jesus, from a heart of compassion He had shown her mercy, forgiving her for every mistake she was responsible for and freeing her from everything that had been done to and against her.

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me… Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them.” John 13:8, 12 (NIV)

I emphasized to her that the door to her cage of shame had been unlocked and pulled opened, that she had been loved on by Jesus and was free to leave the cage of her past. I encouraged her that if she would step out and walk away from the cage that Jesus would remove it and she would indeed be free; that she would be clean. And if she did still make little messes from time to time that Jesus would wash clean the areas of her life and character that get dirty.

I shared with her important Bible passages during that session.

“I know it was painful to you for a little while… because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.” 2 Corinthians 7:9-10 (NLT)

The godly sorrow is healthy guilt that leads to turning away from the behavior that is non-productive and destructive to your lifestyle. Healthy guilt protects you and even defends you. What I mean by ‘defends you’ is that the healthy guilt defends you against believing in the lies that suck you into the shame trap. The worldly sorrow is the shame that defines you as a sinner incapable of receiving mercy from anyone, including God. Shame hurts so much that the remedy one chases after to ease the painful feelings of failure and disappointment could hurt more and you wouldn’t even notice… for now. But God is pleading sensibly with her to repent of her mistakes and permit Him through relationship with Jesus to forgive her, cleanse her, and literally wipe the slate clean.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Psalm 103:12

“That sounds really nice but how can a righteous God forgive what I have done?”

Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything… If we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. 1 John 3:19-21 (NLT)

John wrote that the forgiveness of God can overcome your inability and perhaps unwillingness to forgive yourself. It helped my client to recognize the power of reconciliation that comes with God’s mercy. Through this reconciliation she was able to experience something amazing to the extent that she became confident to approach God. She could trust God to forgive her as she confessed her condition to Him. God’s mercy would set her free. Once free she would repent—putting down the remedy that was alcohol and isolation; and vengeance against her abusers vicariously acted out against innocent people.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (NIV)

John wrote here that God’s mercy to you is a matter of justice to Him. Because His Son paid the debt for your sin He has to forgive you when you admit your sin to Him. To God, it’s only fair!

For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:19 (NLT)

This was a therapy group where we shared the aforementioned Scriptures for my client (which applied to each of us, of course) and we all had tears streaming down our faces; not because of my words but because we watched the Spirit of God bathe His child white as snow right before our eyes. I will never forget it. It was beautiful… quite a night.

Does any of this process sound familiar to anyone?

To trust someone to come anywhere near either of these people’s fragile hearts would mean allowing what that someone brings through the levee. That comes with substantial risk. If the people that were supposed to love them the most broke their hearts and shattered their trust (subjected to a relationship process resulting in severe harm), why would they put any trust in anyone?

9 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. 10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

11 Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. 12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

13 And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. 14 Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. 16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 John 4:9-18 (NLT)

So what about spiritual process?

Are you, or is someone you know, battling the ability and opportunity to experience healthy love (still not perfect love but a more sincere level of love) because he or she is in a fragile state when it comes to trusting someone? Is it difficult to let go of your reservation to give yourself to someone in relationship because the barrier in the way of trust is like a levee around your heart holding the waters back? Have you been so wounded in relationships with people you expected to love you that you cannot seem to believe in anyone trying to get close to you? Are you somewhat paralyzed by the fear of more failure and disappointment in your relationships?

It all comes back to trusting in the process over people, even though, clearly, people are vital to the process. The difference for making it work is that your faith be in the process far more than the people that are participating with you in it.

There is in fact one person in the process that you will need to put your trust in; but you might not be there yet. Faith in God through relationship with Jesus Christ changes everything. When you know Jesus as your rescuer and savior from the pain of the past, something in you melts away and it feels really good and right and oh so real.

The process comes down to A) Admit that you are powerless to on your own change from being broken to being made whole; B) Believe that you need to trust in something that reaches beyond your disappointment and pain; and C) Commit to begin to surrender to the process of change from what has been to what it can be if you will begin to let go of the wounds of the past.

Please consider this question. What if the levee built up and fortified to protect you from the misery that comes from letting people get close to you is doing the opposite of what it is intended to do? What if your heart has been destroyed in the flood of your pain and the levee is retaining your pain and you are still trapped in the flood of disappointment? What if you have been in the process of drowning in your hurt all this time and shutting down emotionally, and not letting anyone in, is merely a life vest allowing you to do little more than keep your head above the bone-chilling water as the rest of you agonizes over your condition?

When it comes to living you need to at least understand this truth: You are trusting in and surrendered to the process. Which process? Do you trust in the process of living or have you put your trust—your faith—into the process of dying? That is a very serious question. The ABC principles in the paragraph before last applies to both processes. Whether you have given yourself over to the process of dying (by way of self-gratifying, self-persevering, self-surviving remedies that do not last and in some way cause you harm) or whether you will give yourself over to the process of recovery into a better healthier way of living, you have surrendered to a process.

I work hard to emphasize this point to my client at the prison who struggles with belief in the unseen God and therefore has difficulty working the 12 steps. I challenge him to understand that his addictive and ultimately criminal lifestyle has become a power greater than his will to control it, that it is out of control, and that he cannot on his own fix it and make it better. His life has proven to be unmanageable. He needs to admit that but also understand that it is true whether he admits or not. That fact that he lives under the roof of a building owned and operated by the state of Illinois is proof that the Illinois Department Of Corrections (IDOC) is the higher power greater than him that has imposed its will over his to manage his unmanageable life. The fact is that my client has indeed surrendered his life into the care and will of this higher power, IDOC. There is no disputing this.

What is it for you? What are the facts about your struggles that you cannot on your own seem to get on top of? How does your struggle with disappointment through unmet expectations have power and control over you? In other words, how does the pain of your past own you to the point that you’re not willing to choose to trust in someone who you have determined does not meet the “criteria” to earn your trust?

So why not trust God? What do you have to lose?

If you are someone who does not believe in God at all than I admit this is a tough sell to persuade you to trust God. I suppose if trusting someone has become really difficult for you and you will admit that not trusting is also particularly painful for you… you know… because it’s no good feeling isolated and alone… because you can reasonably conclude that someone “working you” to get close to you winds up feeling alienated by you and yet again you feel isolated and alone when they finally give up trying. If this is increasingly discomforting to you, then I have a challenge for you.

What do you have to lose asking God… more specifically, Jesus Christ… to show up in your life and prove to you somehow some way that He is indeed real and alive and wanting and willing and able to help you. You don’t even have to believe or have faith that God is real. You only need to want for God to be real. You only need to need God to be real. You only need to hope that God is real. You only need to wonder enough, considering that you have run out of options in your pursuit of a remedy, if God is in fact real and alive.

What if God is real? What if He is? Then what?

If I am wrong and God is not real and alive—does not exist—what have I lost in the end? Nothing! What have you lost in the end? No more than you have already. But if God does exist and is alive and is all that the Bible says that He is, what have I in the end gained? EVERYTHING! What have you gained when it all comes down to it? Nothing yet. But it does not end there…

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Revelation 3:20 (NLT)

You only need to hope that Jesus is real and alive to say that and mean it. You only need to want this to be true that Jesus loves you and wants to have fellowship with you. Maybe, all that you need to do is answer the door. What if that’s all there is to it?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)

Is it hard to believe in Jesus because you don’t see Him?
Do you see gravity?
Do you see oxygen?
Have you seen your brain? How do you know you have one?
Have you seen George Washington? Do you know anyone you trust who has seen George Washington? How do you know he was the first president of the United States? How do you know George Washington even existed? What, you believe it because you read it in a book? Do you trust people (authors and teachers) you don’t even know (who certainly wouldn’t have earned your trust) that it’s true?

At some you except that gravity is true when what… when you experience gravity. The experience is all of the evidence you need to believe that gravity is what it is. You accept it as a fact of your life even though you do not see gravity with your eyes. You do not need to put your faith in what you do not know. Believe in the evidence of your experience and accept what you do not see as truth and reality. This is also how you come into belief by faith in the reality of who God is through a connection with Jesus Christ when you open the door of your heart and permit Him to come in have fellowship with you. It is then that you experience the reality of God through that relationship with Jesus. It changes your mind; renews your mind.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2 (NIV)

If you are not experiencing this transformative renewing experience through a relationship with Jesus, it is because you have not opened the door to let Him in. Why not? Because you have yet to surrender to even the possibility that He can repair the damage and heal the wounds that still own you. Make no mistake. You have surrendered to one process or the other. You’re surrendered to the process that is worldly sorrow that leads to death, or godly sorrow, which is a contrite broken spirit that allows the presence of God through relationship with Jesus to heal everything in you that hurts and needs healing. The bleeding will stop. The wounds will be washed and healed.

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins!
But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole. And by His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5 (NLT, NKJV)

Jesus Christ suffered beatings and was crucified against a tree and died on that cross so that you would be healed and live. He was resurrected from the dead. The wounds that Jesus bore on your behalf today have healed. Everything you have ever done and everything that has ever been done against you is healed in the healed wounds of Jesus. He took your pain then but today Jesus is alive and free to set you free.

God says, “Rebuild the road! Clear away the rocks and stones so my people can return from captivity.”
The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this:
“I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.”
Isaiah 57:14-15 (NLT)

There will be scars, but let me tell you what a scar really is. A scar is the mark—the stripe—that is left when the wound is healed completely. You cannot rub on a scar and open up the wound. The wound is healed and no longer has power over you. The origin of the wound no longer owns you. You are in fact healed and able to turn away from the past into the reality of a new life experience.

“I have seen what they do, but I will heal them anyway!
I will lead them. I will comfort those who mourn, bringing words of praise to their lips.
May they have abundant peace, both near and far,” says the Lord, who heals them. Isaiah 57:18-19 (NLT)

I also need to say this: To encounter the presence of God is most certainly powerful. To live in the experience of God’s presence is transforming; empowering you to become more like Jesus. You can come into this experience that will change you forever. Living in God’s presence means that his transforming power will break through the levee you have built around your heart. As the cleansing flood that is the loving compassionate undeserved grace of Jesus Christ courses through the memories of your past, the guilt is resolved and the shame washed away.

You will experience the presence of God who cares for you beyond imagination. You will know beyond doubt that you have experienced the renewal and restoration that comes with knowing Jesus. You will experience relationship and fellowship as you open the door, let Jesus in, and allow Him to clean every room in your mind, heart, and soul. It is a miracle and it’s awesome. It is all the evidence that you will ever need and you will trust it with your life.

Guilt & Shame, Scabs & Scars (Recovery from Your Past)

For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:19 (NLT)

Jesus Christ came to earth to identify with the human experience, to die as a sacrifice for our self-centered ‘me’dom problem. Nailed to the cross with Jesus was every mistake we ever committed. Jesus was wounded severely with gaping wounds wide open as he bled and died. With his wounds untreated, Jesus was buried in the grave, his body broken, entombed by man’s sin. For three days, the Bible says, the soul of the Sympathetic Savior bore the anguish of all of our guilt and shame.

But then something happened. The wounded soul and body of Jesus was healed and restored; resurrected into new life. When Jesus showed himself to his friends and family, they struggled to believe it. So as proof, Jesus showed them his scars. Now his wounds were healed. Scars are healed wounds, evidence of something that was at one time extremely painful. The evidence of your past is plain to see in your scars but your wounds are healed because of Christ’s suffering. By his scars you are healed and restored, though you may struggle to believe it. The memories of your past need not own you.

There is a clear distinction that needs to be drawn between guilt and shame. Scripture is clear in identifying our responsibility for our sinful attitudes and behavior. We have all sinned and fallen short of God’s standards. Our sin has resulted in the reality of decline, decay, and death. Decline is unavoidable; decay is inevitable; death is imminent. We are guilty of sin and responsible for its consequences.

The awesome truth about God’s grace is that Jesus paid our eternal debt for sin and that we are set free from its ultimate consequences. It is fact that I need only believe in relationship with Jesus Christ for forgiveness of sin that I will spend eternity in fellowship with Christ as a member of His family. When I accept this fact into my life then God is faithful to exercise His grace and my eternity with Him is sealed. My guilt, which is my responsibility, is paid in full.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Psalm 103:12

When I confess my sin, God is faithful and just to forgive me (1 John 1:9). In other words, whenever I am arrested (metaphorically speaking) and brought in by my accuser for questioning, justice has already been served (Christ paid it) and the judge says that I am free to go—every single time. So why do I wrestle so with my guilt?

We tend to lose perspective about guilt. What I mean is that guilt in itself is a point of recognizing and confronting mistakes and unhealthy behavior. We are indeed responsible for our behavior. When we are guilty of making mistakes or causing harm, we have an opportunity to learn from our mistakes and grow in character and maturity.

“That is all well and good that you say God has forgiven me, and has taken me back into relationship with him, but if he really knew the awful things I have done, he would not accept me.” Have you ever felt like that? Shame is borne out of unmet and failed expectations. Whose expectations? Ultimately, it is our own unmet and failed expectations that result in our judgment of ourselves that lead to feeling shame. So many of us cannot forgive ourselves and believe that if we cannot forgive ourselves, how can God forgive us?

While guilt is an opportunity for learning and growth, shame is the distorted internalization of guilt that advances the over-personalizing of our mistakes and wrong doing. What is meant by “over-personalizing” is that if we absorb the guilt into the core character of who we are until we believe we have become the thing we are guilty of—that it somehow defines us. So when guilt says, “I did something wrong,” the evil scheme of shame is to utter, “I can’t do anything right.” When guilt says, “I did a bad thing,” shame says, “I’m a bad person.” When guilt says, “I made a mistake,” shame says, “I am a mistake.” When guilt can admit wrong and say, “I am sorry, please forgive me,” shame insists, “I am unforgivable.” Our shame screams at us, “Loser!” until we believe it about ourselves.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 2 Corinthians 7:10

Godly sorrow is healthy responsible conviction of sin that leads to repentance and growth. Worldly sorrow is shame stuck in the mire of failed expectations that promotes decline, decay, and ultimately death. The devil is a roaring lion seeking who he may devour and he uses shame as teeth to rip us to shreds.

A great deal of shame is felt in the open wounds of our past. We seem to make progress in putting the past behind us and then something happens or something is said that rips the wound wide open again. This occurs when the wound hasn’t healed quite yet. These are scabs that have dried up enough so that we can function in our circumstances and relationships, but as soon as the scab is met with some friction, we’re a bloody mess again. Scripture tells us that God has removed our sin as far as the east is from the west, an infinite separation. It’s time to let go of what God has Himself let go of in your life—that being past mistakes. He has declared you innocent. He has fully reinstated you as an heir to all that is His (Luke 15:11-31—the story of the restored prodigal).

What exactly are scars? Scars are evidence of healed wounds. You can see the mark of the wound but it no longer owns you. Healed wounds are rendered powerless by the grace of God as we experience freedom in surrendered (body, mind, heart and soul), committed relationship with Jesus Christ.

What we must learn is that when we live according to God’s expectations, according to what the Bible says about His expectations, we need only to let go of our own failures and rest in the compassionate mercy of our Sympathetic Savior (Hebrews 4:14-16). When we approach the throne of God where Jesus sits (He’s not on the cross anymore), confident in our relationship with Him, then He replaces our guilt with His peace.

“When our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts.” (1 John 3:20)

Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm

A father brought his tormented son to Jesus and said,
“If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:22-24

A perfect storm is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.
Courtesy of FreeDictionary.com

This subject is very personal to me right now. I am in the midst of the perfect storm. My family is facing challenges we would not have imagined before coming into them. There is injury and heartbreak. There is wonder about what God is doing. What is the big picture? No, really God… what is it? Why this? Why take us through this? Why us, God? Why me? We are in crisis. I am in crisis.
when troubles come your way …
What I want to convey to you is that I am desperately needing to believe for me and my family today; but it is really difficult. Let’s look at some famous Scripture involving Jesus and how he dealt with storms in the lives of those he loved.
consider it an opportunity for great joy…
One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?” The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”
Luke 8:22-25 (NLT)

As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water. Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” The disciples were absolutely terrified. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “Even the wind and waves obey him!” Mark 4:35-41 (NLT)
rejoice in the Lord always…
These are two versions of the same story told by disciples Luke and Mark. In Luke’s account of the story, he writes that “Jesus settled down for a nap.” The first three years and the last three years of the life of Jesus were in so many ways the perfect storm. Throughout much of that time there were people who had set out to kill him. Throughout his three-year ministry, Jesus would endure great battles and struggles that would define his role as ambassador of love and peace. Starting with the chosen twelve disciples, Jesus was understood by believers in his day to be leading his people out from under the thumb of the Roman Empire. It would be another 2000 years before Israel would be the nation that it is today. Jesus lived out the perfect storm as intended by God and it was about time he settled down for some rest and relaxation.
the Lord is near…
Mark lets us know that Jesus was very tired so he found a place toward the back of the boat to settle down, laying his head on a cushion to unwind and get some much needed rest. Jesus, in the midst of his stressful task-driven ministry, took some time off now and then to settle down; perhaps to decompress some as he prepared to fulfill his calling. You might say that Jesus understood throughout his life and ministry that he would wind up suffering miserably as the martyr for mankind. It would be fair to suggest that being acutely aware of the adversity to come was emotionally troubling to Jesus… disturbing even. As much as he depended on the Father for sustenance physically, psychologically, and spiritually; as much as he was motivated by love and driven by a heart of compassion for the sick and impoverished; fully human, there were likely times when he was alone with his thoughts considering his impending torture and suffering on so many levels that I cannot begin to comprehend.

While crossing the Sea of Galilee, a large lake capable of damaging storms and shipwreck, the disciples confronted just that; a raging storm with waves crashing into their fishing boat, winds tossing it about like a toy. Jesus, I presume, was sound asleep, knocked out by stress and fatigue, getting some much needed rest. Both Luke and Mark, who were in the boat, wrote that the waves were coming over and water was filling the boat. How could Jesus sleep through that? Wasn’t he getting wet? Imagine what the disciples thought.

“Master, Master, we’re going to drown… don’t you care?!”
do not be anxious about anything…
I have felt like those guys in recent days captured in the madness of the perfect storm. Where is Jesus? Where is he when I need him? Is he napping? Well, of course he is alive, awake, and alert but he must be spinning so many plates at one time throughout the business of this planet and the universe that some of the plates are bound to fall; and this plate (me) is about to shatter into pieces.
but from a grateful heart…
I have been through periods when I have wrestled with my feelings of intense concern, doubt, and fear. I have had this knot in my gut. It isn’t there all of the time. Since God has strengthened me and comforted me, the knot-in-the-gut feeling has eased but the butterflies often remain. I have drawn on past experiences when I needed for God to calm the storm in my life and he did. But you know… there are storms, and then there are storms as the waves crash into me tossing me about. I feel drenched at times under the waves. I need for Jesus to stand up confidently in the madness of my storm and command the wind, the thunder, and the lightening to cease. That’s what I need. And who knows better than I do what I need?
pray about everything…
The disciples, in the rage of their storm, must have been screaming at Jesus to get his attention. The winds and the waves howled angrily and looked to swallow them into the depths of their crisis. But since that didn’t seem enough to wake him, they shouted at him, “Do you even care that we’re drowning… overcome… about to be swallowed up?!”

Do you feel sometimes like you’re about to be swallowed up by devastation, depression, and despair?

I am glad we have the testimonies of those who followed Jesus the man through thick and thin. I am thankful that we have stories of those who were actually with him and knew him; had seen the healings, the miracles, the deliverances, and most of all, the resurrection (of Lazarus), and still felt doubt while in the relentless winds and waves of the storms in their lives. They may not have known the Spirit of God coursing through their beings, but they had God in their company in the person of Jesus Christ. And yet still, when up against it, even Christ’s closest companions felt doubt and uncertainty.
for you know that when your faith is tested…
Let’s talk about that; the doubt and fear we encounter as people of faith. Jesus said to those closest to him who believed, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith? Where is your faith?” This is interesting to me; the contrast between what the disciples said to Jesus and what Jesus said to them. When the disciples cried out, “Don’t you (even) care?” it’s like asking, “Where are you when I need you?” The reply of Jesus could be paraphrased, “Where are you when you need me?” as if to imply, “What condition are you in while you’re looking for me?” I don’t think he is issuing judgment so much as he is concerned that fear and doubt does so much more to intensify our pain and struggle.
your endurance has a chance to grow…
I suppose you might say that “Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm” is the sequel to my most recent article, The Problem of Pain… A Study of the Father’s Discipline. In that article, I wrote the following about faith and doubt in response to Scripture from James chapter 1:

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:5-8 (NLT)

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8 (NIV)
the peace of God…
I believe that James is writing that God does not find fault with my emotionally-driven fear and anxiety when I come seeking from Him everything from wisdom to a miracle. Because should I doubt God’s ability to engage, work, and move in my circumstances due to an intellectual conclusion of disbelief that God is God, and I turn to alternative remedies to manage fear and anxiety, then I am wavering in the gusty winds of divided loyalty. It is then I am double-minded and unstable in pursuit of resolution. It is then that I am lost like sheep without a shepherd. While James writes then that I ought not to expect to receive anything from the Lord it doesn’t mean that I won’t receive from Him. James is speaking about my state of mind. He is saying that I will have lowered my expectations of what God can and will do.
beyond comprehension…
If I have concluded that I probably will not receive much of anything from God, why would I expect to receive much of anything from God? There really won’t be any relief from pain, fear, and worry should I altogether not believe in what God can do. It’s common sense at that point. I’m an emotional mess from the empty conclusions I have drawn intellectually about what God can and will do. Absent is the hopeful anticipation of God’s intervention that would have a calming effect on my nerves.
will guard your heart and mind…
Thank God I believe intellectually and spiritually in what God can do. Too often, though, I question my faith because I doubt on an emotional level. I need to stop the practice of riding my feelings until I feel guilty that I doubt God. I feel guilty doubting God because of what I know and believe intellectually (in relationship with Christ) God can do; I struggle emotionally with what I believe God will do. Is he willing? Is there something wrong with me? I think that’s what it means to have faith in the midst of doubt because of the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1). What I feel isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know. What I doubt emotionally isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know intellectually and believe spiritually in my soul.
… in Christ Jesus
Things unseen… hmmm… You know what? God loves me so much that to confront my fear and worry, He gave me something I could see. It was a visible practical manifestation that God is at work in the process. While in the midst of a “mini-crisis” that wasn’t really a crisis at all but it felt like one at the time, my 90 plus-year-old mother-in-law told me she was praying that God is faithful. With my real crisis in mind I responded to her sarcastically , “We’ll see” (wondering what God is up to that this crisis is happening at all in the first place). When the “mini-crisis” was averted inexplicably, as I shared it with my wife, she said, “My mom prayed.” Instantly I broke down and wept as the Holy Spirit of God reminded me to trust him to be at work in the process. I shared my mini-crisis experience (in the midst of the actual crisis) with a dear counselor friend who told me, “God gave you something tangible that you can hang your hat on.”

So I know that the Lord does not find fault when I feel doubt and confusion driving my fear. And I did receive from him because He loves me. My real crisis lives on painfully and while I may struggle from time to time emotionally, intellectually I am certain that God is able and willing. I am trusting in the process of his work in my life as I endure through the problem of pain.
so let it grow…
If I could discipline my mind through, prayer, meditation, and worship to trust in the miraculous and restorative power of my gracious compassionate Savior (rescuer, defender, protector, deliverer)… I don’t know… maybe I wouldn’t doubt so much… maybe not at all. The reality for me is that I have not surrendered to the extent that I fully trust in the process of the work of God. With surrender comes full obedience unto the calling and purpose of God in my daily routine. How does one get to a place of surrender? Answer: Through prayer, meditation, and worship.
for when your endurance is fully developed...
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NKJV)

The “arguments” Apostle Paul is writing about is human reasoning that cannot accept or even conceptualize spiritual authority unless I am surrendering my thoughts and feelings into the care of spiritual God; to be captivated by spiritual truth. Doing so blows up the argument that God cannot or that God will not meet the need in my hour of peril. My human reasoning is a combination of intellect and emotion making up cognitive process. My intellect, which is more easily given to spiritual (Biblical) truth, wants very much to believe and trust God. My emotions react much more to what I fear since they tend to buy into—trust—the quantitative properties that I can see, hear, and touch. So ‘carnal’ and ‘flesh’ refers intellect rooted in quantitative experiences and emotions measuring the quality of my life experiences, calculating risk and reward. Since like most of you I tend to place more value on the impact of pain and loss than I do the impact of reward and gain—what I not want to experience over what I do want to experience—I tend to be motivated by, and I suppose overcome by, my reasonable fear over the wisdom of trusting God. When I am overcome by fear it becomes a stronghold in my flesh.

Fear is emotion driven by cognitive reasoning (the brain’s processing of experiences, thinking, and feelings) that is part of the human make up. Entertaining fear and doubt, rather than letting it go through surrender, is selfish. Being motivated and compelled by fear then is carnal, meaning impure. What and who is God? The Bible says that God is love. It also teaches and serves to reason that God is perfect.
you will be perfect and complete…
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18 (NKJV)
…needing nothing
Here’s the thing. Even in the madness of what feels like the perfect storm seeking to devour all involved in it, I know intellectually that God is faithful and will work it out altogether for the good for us who love him. I believe that. The key is to trust in what I believe, not in what I am feeling in the depths of the madness. I am at present in the depths of the madness of the perfect storm. At times I am confident (confidence is a feeling) in what I know; and at other times I am feeling doubt. Thank God he does not find fault with what I am feeling. As I seek him through prayer, meditation, worship, and obedient living, he will grant me acceptance, courage, and wisdom without measure. That is my challenge.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 (NLT)

Sometimes these kinds of teaching, especially that which you should have read in, “The Problem of Pain… a Study of the Father’s Discipline” are indeed difficult to comprehend. To consider life’s troubles to be opportunity to experience joy sounds at least a little bit crazy; yet when fully experienced, is amazing.

Many of his disciples said, “This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?” Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining, so he said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what will you think if you see the Son of Man ascend to heaven again? The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But some of you do not believe me.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning which ones didn’t believe, and he knew who would betray him.) Then he said, “That is why I said that people can’t come to me unless the Father gives them to me.” At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?” Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:60-69 (NLT)

What is your challenge, today? What is your perfect storm? Are you drowning beneath its waves?

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts (what you feel emotionally) and your minds (what you know intellectually) in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)
I can do all things…
Without going into the specifics of my crisis, I tried to write with enough vulnerability and candor here that you might be able to relate it to your challenges through that lens; allowing yourself as I have to be open to what God is wanting to work out in your life. Glean from this passage that as you worship and rejoice in your relationship with Christ by how you live, with an active prayer life, surrendering all, you will experience indescribable peace to empower you to live a whole lot less anxious than when you’re trying to manage problems and crises on your own.
through Christ Jesus…
God is working in you and producing through the madness of your perfect storm something perfect in you. As you live in the truth of what you have read here you will enter into the best of what God wants and has for you.
… who strengthens me
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

So, what is the real challenge for you and for me as we apply these truths?

Trusting in what we know rather than trusting in what we feel.

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Revision 1/11/2014:

I attended a sermon this evening by Keith Boucher, Pastor at Calvary Church, Naperville (outside of Chicago), IL. He spoke from John Chapter 20, when Mary doubted the presence of her Lord Jesus as she continued to grieve his death at his burial site. As she lamented the missing body of her friend and Savior, she wept in the presence of angels that may have presented themselves as ordinary men, perhaps perceived by Mary as tending to the tomb. The stone had been removed, so where had they put the body of Jesus? Then this from John Chapter 20:

11 Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. 12 She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. 13 “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her.

“Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.”

14 She turned to leave and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize him. 15 “Dear woman, why are you crying?” Jesus asked her. “Who are you looking for?”

She thought he was the gardener. “Sir,” she said, “if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and get him.”

16 “Mary!” Jesus said.

She turned to him and cried out, “Rabboni!” (which is Hebrew for “Teacher”).

17 “Don’t cling to me,” Jesus said, “for I haven’t yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

18 Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I have seen the Lord!” Then she gave them his message.

The emphasis of the sermon, “In the Darkness of the Soul”, was the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ inhabiting our darkest times, even when it feels to dark to see Him. I wanted to raise my hand and speak of what it means to doubt in the madness of the perfect storm. The truth is that Mary knew intellectually the truth about Jesus. But she had not experienced His presence having been resurrected from the dead. In her pain, she wanted to experience His presence but did not know even to look for Him. Jesus, of course, did not find fault with Mary in the midst of her doubt and seized her doubt by calling out her name and asking her to seek Him. She did and she found Him.

Seek to find Jesus even in the darkest places. He is there. He will cast light into your darkness. He will be your peace in the madness. Have confidence in His presence as you boldly approach His throne in your time of need.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
It was nailed trough his cross, and I bear it no more,
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul!

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Post Script from my response to a reader on 2/15/13:

Sometimes it is hard to know whether the storm has passed or if I am simply in the eye of the storm experiencing temporary calm. I believe that as I cried out to Jesus, “I’m drowning!” He stood up to the perfect storm in my life and declared, “Peace!” First, there was calm to my heart and assurance came to my mind that Christ was being Christ. Since then, the madness of the storm has calmed. There is still heavy rain and a stiff breeze but the worst of it seems to have passed.

Bottom line… God is indeed faithful. He has clued me in to the message He has had for me all along but I needed the volume turned way up to really hear it. I heard. Now I must respond in obedience to the message. God used the storm for my good; that His work will be glorified in the good that I will do for the kingdom having endured and persevered through the trial. What an opportunity for great joy having come through it.

Measured Faith (Belief Enough?)

Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” Matthew 14:31 (NLT)

Jesus asked:
“Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’” Matthew 6:31 (NLT)

“Measured Faith (Belief Enough?)” is a revealing examination of belief as it is measured by faith from what appears to be very different translations of Romans 12:3. What is behind varying degrees of faith that gets in the way of the surrendered life necessary to reap the full measure of blessing?”

Jesus replied, “Have I been with you all this time… and yet you still don’t know who I am?” John 14:9 (NLT)

The second of the twelve steps declares that we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves who can restore us to… fill in the blank. The third step boldly declares that we have turned our will and life over to the care of God as we understood… or, came to believe in… Him. How is this proven to be true in your life? Why would you not fully surrender all in your life of faith if you fully believe in God’s promised best for you?

The following are two credible translations of the same Scripture. Please consider the loaded questions following the first translation. Then notice how the meaning changes dramatically from the first translation of the Scripture to the second.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. Romans 12:2-3 (NKJV)

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Romans 12:3 (NIV)

Ask yourself the following questions:

What does it really mean to say that I came to believe in a power greater than myself; or that I came to believe in God; or that I have faith in God?
How much faith do I have in God?
What does it mean to have received from God a measure of faith?
How much do I believe?
Do I fully believe? Am I confident in my faith?
What does it really mean that I have surrendered my life to the will and plan of God?
Am I really committed… entirely committed… to pleasing and serving God?
What does that look like? What does that sound like? What does that feel like?
What am I doing today that reflects my belief… faith… surrender… commitment… to pleasing and serving God because I believe fully and entirely, with a full measure of faith, in God’s will and plan for my life?
What am I thinking and imagining that reflects the truth of my belief, faith, surrender, and commitment? Or does my behavior and imagination express and expose who I am, what I am, and where I am when it comes to the truth that lies in these questions?

I am very uncomfortable personally with these questions; not in asking them of you the reader, but in responding to them from an honest place in my own heart, mind, and soul.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. Romans 12:2-3 (NLT)

As your spiritual teacher I give this piece of advice to each one of you. Don’t cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance, but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities by the light of the faith that God has given to you all. Romans 12:3 (Phillips New Testament)

When I examine the New Living Translation (NLT) and Phillips New Testament of the same passage from Romans it appears to read quite differently than the New King James Version (NKJV) and the New International Version (NIV).

I have an uncomfortable feeling that Phillips and NLT might have it right. Why would God give to me less faith than He would give you; or you less faith than He would “distribute” to me? Does that even make sense? While we are gifted uniquely, have been called to serve uniquely, and have experienced varying degrees of revelation into deeper knowledge perhaps, it does not make much sense to me that impartial God would dole out varying measures of faith as it pertains to fundamental revelation and access, through relationship with Jesus Christ, to Almighty God.

What does make sense is that as God imparts to me faith by revelation of Himself to my mind, my heart, and my soul, that I would by my choice decide how to invest myself into the full abundant life God has chosen to bless me with. What does make sense is that I choose the degree to which I want to surrender my life and intentions over to the plan God has revealed to me about the new life He wants and has for me to experience.

Should I sow the seed of new life into everything I am and do, I will reap a harvest of blessing. Should I sow the seed of new life sparingly or with some reservation, holding back some, I will reap sparingly or with at least some degree of reservation the blessing that God wants to lavish on me without reservation, sparing nothing (God has chosen to afford me the choice the extent to which I am receptive to the immeasurably lavish blessing He intends to rain on me).

Expectations about Faith

I believe that James is writing that God does not find fault with my emotionally-driven fear and anxiety when I come seeking from Him everything from wisdom to a miracle. Because should I doubt God’s ability to engage, work, and move in my circumstances due to an intellectual conclusion of disbelief that God is God, and I turn to alternative remedies to manage fear and anxiety, then I am wavering in the gusty winds of divided loyalty. It is then I am double-minded and unstable in pursuit of resolution. It is then that I am lost like sheep without a shepherd. While James writes then that I ought not to expect to receive anything from the Lord it doesn’t mean that I won’t receive from Him. James is speaking about my state of mind. He is saying that I will have lowered my expectations of what God can and will do.

If I have concluded that I probably will not receive much of anything from God, why would I expect to receive much of anything from God? There really won’t be any relief from pain, fear, and worry should I altogether not believe in what God can do. It’s common sense at that point. I’m an emotional mess from the empty conclusions I have drawn intellectually about what God can and will do. Absent is the hopeful anticipation of God’s intervention that would have a calming effect on my nerves.

Thank God I believe intellectually and spiritually in what God can do. Too often, though, I question my faith because I doubt on an emotional level. I need to stop the practice of riding my feelings until I feel guilty that I doubt God. I feel guilty doubting God because of what I know and believe intellectually (in relationship with Christ) God can do; I struggle emotionally with what I believe God will do. Is he willing? Is there something wrong with me? I think that’s what it means to have faith in the midst of doubt because of the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1). What I feel isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know. What I doubt emotionally isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know intellectually and believe spiritually in my soul.

The question that is most discomforting to me is not, “How much do I believe?” or “How much faith do I have?” The question is not even, “Do I believe?” Because I do. The question is, “Will I let go of what I want, and choose to receive what God wants and has for me?”

As you read this, the first question for you might be, “Do you believe?” And if you do, you are in the same boat I am. Are you willing? Will you let go of what you want, and choose what God wants and has for you? Don’t be so quick to answer. If your answer is yes then your life should reflect your answer through and through. How confident are you when you pray? What is the level or degree of your faith?

If I am being honest, I have substantially more confidence that God will bless you in the miraculous than I believe He will bless me. Not because I don’t believe God can bless me that way. But because I am in a hurry according to my standards and according to what I suppose I believe I deserve. I think my problem with belief and faith has a great deal to do with my sense of entitlement. I deserve what I want and believe that I need as soon as possible.

When I began FREEdom from MEdom Project, I had the expectation that the world desperately needed what God is saying through me about how to sustain long term recovery God’s way. It my dream to take the counseling and writing ability God has blessed me with, along with the vision He has laid upon my heart, to do FREEdom from MEdom full time. Things need to occur for that to happen. I believe God has given me a promise for this ministry. Initially the idea was to sell memberships incredibly inexpensively. Then someone mentoring me said, “What about those who still cannot afford it, or will miss out because they will not pay for something on the free internet?” I agreed and made it possible to donate without charging for these services. Donations are pouring in at approximately… are you ready… six dollars per year. I thought I would be discovered and published. I thought I would be teaching at conferences. Am I not entitled to more success? What, only the Joel Osteens, T.D. Jakes, and Rick Warrens of the world get to do this? Come on, God… I want in!

However, since I have been working at the prison I have had tremendous opportunity to share the good news of a new life experience God’s way in relationship with Jesus Christ to so many men whose lives would ultimately end in prison (or they would get out and die on the streets) without such liberating truth. Thousands and thousands of people around the world are reading this message and invitation to experience new life set free from addiction to what holds them captive.

I wonder if the question of how much faith I have is somehow tied in to what I feel entitled to, meaning what I believe I deserve. Abraham and Sarah may have dealt with some of this when they waited twenty years for the promise of a son by God and… nothing. How often might you think Abraham and Sarah made beautiful love together in the hope that they were making together the promised son? It appears as though they gave in to their sense of entitlement and strategized to find an alternative to God’s plan. Abraham conveniently married Hagar and she was pregnant without another thought. Born was Ishmael and the rest is history. Abraham and Sarah felt apparently that they deserved a son.

The writer of Hebrews writes of Abraham’s unwavering faith but it appears to have wavered when it came to waiting on God’s promise of the son that was Isaac. Did Abraham lack faith? I don’t think so. I think he and his wife grew impatient and sought desperate measures for an alternative to waiting on the fulfillment of God’s plan. Perhaps the thinking was that even God declared they were entitled to a son as long as it was promised to them. So Abraham did what he had to do to get what he deserved.

So What Then about Faith?

Is my belief system skewed by what I believe I deserve? Do my expectations shape my “beliefs” when it comes to the matter of faith? If God determines that how He chooses to bless me is affected by what I believe I deserve, is it because God recognizes that my so-called faith is actually shaped by what I desire in my flesh, which is selfish and feels entitled?

This becomes especially fragile and sensitive for me. I thought I would be published by now and making a living writing, and perhaps even counseling, from my computer. I hoped I would be doing well enough with FREEdom from MEdom ministries that I would be doing it full-time. And if I am entirely honest, I suppose I hoped some recognition would have come my way by now… well, you know… because this FREEdom from MEdom stuff is SO good… profound truth from a fountain of knowledge and wisdom and all that.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ²You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. ³When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

⁴You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. ⁵Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? ⁶But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

⁷Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.⁹Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:1-10 (NIV)

Things have not worked out according to my expectations. Does that mean that God hasn’t blessed this ministry? Honestly? Not in the way I want Him to. Instead, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of men who have been blessed and perhaps even saved by the truth, knowledge, and wisdom delivered through these FREEdom from MEdom/NewLIFE Xperience principles. Thousands of people around the world have read from this online ministry. Dozens, hundreds, maybe thousands more have been influenced by those touched by God through this ministry. Only God knows.

God also knows me well enough to know what He can and cannot trust me with. My pride, my lazy prayer life, my undisciplined habits and routines may in fact limit my access and effectiveness because God knows that I will certainly fall otherwise. So the reasonable question is, if I recognize things in me and my intentions, motivations, and lifestyle routines, why don’t I commit to change respectful to the calling on my life? What a great question! What a challenging question? Do you relate to it?

Faith in the flesh… what a concept. While it is an obvious contradiction, perhaps it is as much a paradox. James writes in chapter four that my problem with what appears to be the absence of blessing is the absence of my desires and motivations lining up with what God wants and has for me. The tragedy in that is that what God wants and has for me is His very best.

Desiring God’s Best

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

Often times this passage in Psalm 37 is taken grossly out of context. Even when it’s interpreted that if I am walking in the will of God He will bless the desire of my heart, it is misleading. My heart is still selfish, particularly when the heat is turned up. When I am transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2), taken in proper context, God has rearranged my thinking to want and be willing to receive what He wants and has for me. In other words, He has transformed my wants by putting His desires and motivations deep within me, giving me my heart’s desires – His desires.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)

When I am motivated to seek first God’s best through the righteousness of Jesus Christ, God is more than happy and willing to add to my life the experience of His best. His best for my life will be a blessing to anyone who is touched by my life.

J.B. Phillips in his translation perhaps says it best.

Set your heart on the kingdom and his goodness, and all these things will come to you as a matter of course. Matthew 6:33 (Phillips New Testament)

This is an incredible promise of blessing that brings this next passage to life.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)… or as J.B. Phillips translates … dare to ask or imagine.

Okay, now we’re getting carried away. It all sounds good, but come on.

What’s the problem here?

The problem is that God’s best is too good to be true to be experienced in this life on this side of eternity. Just allow me to relax and do whatever it is that I do. Don’t put too much on my plate. I need my television time. I need my down time… my alone time to unwind and decompress. I need my sleep. I’m not being sarcastic, this is how I think. I want to be lazy, disrespectful of the call of God to really dig in to what He wants and has for me to pierce and feed my soul. I want God’s best so long as I can do my thing my own way in my own time.

⁴Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! ⁵Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

⁶Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

⁸And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

¹⁰How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn’t have the chance to help me. ¹¹Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ¹²I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. ¹³For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:4-13 (NLT)

Really… is this poetic hyperbole? No. This is the real deal! I don’t have to like it but here’s the thing. If I really knew and understood what I was missing, missing out on God’s best, I would drop every shallow and dissatisfying routine that sabotages what I can enjoy in the joy of the Lord, so that I could experience life in the best of what God wants and has for me.

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. Romans 8:18 (NLT)

Already Free in the Joy

If you haven’t yet, I’d like to encourage you to read My Problem with Hank… Prisoner Set Free. This is written about a prisoner that I work with who has been set free from the chains of addiction and bondage to life’s “stuff” in a way that convicts me to the core of my selfish existence. He is a brother in Christ who is free in a sense that I have never known, full of joy in the Lord. I get near him and feel like whatever he has, I want some of that. And he has quite a bit of prison time left to serve yet he is so free.

You might say, “Well look at his circumstances, he needs Jesus more.” And what really is the point of this whole thing is that he doesn’t need Jesus any less than you or I do. You might say he has less weighing him down. He doesn’t have a big screen television. He doesn’t have financial responsibilities. He doesn’t have to deal with the stresses of the job every day. He doesn’t have to take care of his family… at least he can’t from prison.

Hank lives in what is essentially a bathroom with another man. Hank has a godly wife who is waiting sacrificially for him. He has post-adolescent children living the life of the streets, following in daddy’s footsteps. Hank has a home and financial responsibility. Hank does not know from one day to the next how his family will make it and he is powerless from prison to do anything substantial to help anyone out there. But somehow, living out Philippians 4 and James 1, being transformed by the renewing of his mind, Hank has been set free.

²²A mob quickly formed against Paul and Silas, and the city officials ordered them stripped and beaten with wooden rods. ²³They were severely beaten, and then they were thrown into prison. The jailer was ordered to make sure they didn’t escape. ²⁴So the jailer put them into the inner dungeon and clamped their feet in the stocks.

²⁵Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. ²⁶Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! ²⁷The jailer woke up to see the prison doors wide open. He assumed the prisoners had escaped, so he drew his sword to kill himself. ²⁸But Paul shouted to him, “Stop! Don’t kill yourself! We are all here!”

²⁹The jailer called for lights and ran to the dungeon and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas.³⁰Then he brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

³¹They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, along with everyone in your household.” ³²And they shared the word of the Lord with him and with all who lived in his household.³³Even at that hour of the night, the jailer cared for them and washed their wounds. Then he and everyone in his household were immediately baptized. ³⁴He brought them into his house and set a meal before them, and he and his entire household rejoiced because they all believed in God.

³⁵The next morning the city officials sent the police to tell the jailer, “Let those men go!” ³⁶So the jailer told Paul, “The city officials have said you and Silas are free to leave. Go in peace.” Acts 16:22-36 (NLT)

What is necessary to understand about this passage is that Paul and Silas were so filled with joy in the best of what God wants and has for them that even when the chains fell off all of the prisoners, no one left the dungeon. They had already been set free from the chains of this life. None of the other prisoners left either. They wanted some of what Paul and Silas had. The jailer didn’t run either in fear for his life when Paul said to him, “Look, we’re all still here…” even though the quake had loosed their chains and jarred all of the doors open. The jailer stuck around as well. He wanted some of what Paul and Silas had. The city officials were moved to then let them all go free. Like Paul and Silas, Hank is filled with joy and already free! I want some of what he’s got whenever I am around him.

Are you still with me?

“Why call Me Lord when you don’t mean it?”

Honestly, what keeps you chained in your recovery journey and Christ-centered life from fully receiving the miracle of the best of the new life experience that God wants and has for you? I was honest about myself earlier in this article. Now it is time for you to be honest with yourself. For me, the matter is full surrender to God’s calling on my life for every hour of every day. If that sounds like a bit much for you, it’s a bit much for me too. But truth is truth.

I haven’t even brought up yet the issue of sin… you know… declaring to God that you love Him but then at times living as though He doesn’t exist; also true of me. Maybe it’s entertaining lusts of the eyes and imagination. Maybe it’s coveting material prosperity. Maybe it’s harboring resentment and jealousy. Maybe it’s living in shame, or loneliness, or living in fear. Maybe it’s being overrun by anxiety and stress. Maybe it’s being selfish with your money. Maybe it’s being selfish with your time; even if you’re always too busy. Maybe it’s holding on to your obsessions and addictions. You likely know even though it might always be clear to you, and certainly God knows.

“So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? Luke 6:46

The word ‘lord’ is a word of authority. The name Lord for Christ is a name of trusted authority. I call Jesus Lord all the time. So why don’t I believe and respect, even revere, His lordship all of the time? How is it that I can call Him Lord and then live as though I do not trust in, respect, and certainly revere, His authority, ability, desire, and willingness to bless me to the full with abundant life as promised in John 10:10? Why do I not fully believe in the promise of Ephesians 3:20 that God can and will do infinitely more in my life that I even dare to ask or imagine?

How about you?

If you appear to live like you have measured faith it is because you are divided between what you want and aspire to in the flesh and what you want and aspire to in relationship with Christ. In relationship with Jesus, you are transformed into new life by the renewing of your mind. Paul writes that you in fact live this transformed life having the mind of Christ having received God’s best.

We have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us… We understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:12, 16b (NLT)

I could go on with promise after promise. The issue is, if you are limited to a measure of faith it is because you are divided and unstable in who and what you are in relationship with God. You are divided between the new you in Christ that you see when you look into the mirror and the old you that you remember and cling to when you walk away from it; me too.

What a life it would be

Why it that we struggle so to believe all of it? As long as we hold on to the former life in the flesh by choice, we choose to forfeit so much of God’s best; not only for us, but for our families, loved ones, friends, and so on. That’s right. When we surrender all into the full blessing of abundant life, those we touch in some way are also touched by the blessing. When we choose limited blessing because of divided loyalty limiting faith – confidence – in what we say we believe in, we can limit the blessing to those under our influence.

I’ll put this back onto I-statements. I need to do what the Word of God says and what I know spiritually and intellectually to be true and reasonably sensible for my life; because it is good and right and it is God’s best. Even something as small as a mustard seed that fully believes can move a mountain and experience the full blessing of abundant life. So why measured faith? From revelation of truth comes belief. From belief in truth comes faith. From faith—confidence in what you believe—comes surrender. From surrender comes obedience. Why not let go into total surrender if I believe in the truth of the Word of God? Do I believe enough that I am confident in the promises and assurances in the Bible? Or, is what I believe clouded by entitlement (sin)?

Do you believe enough? Is your faith measured according to what you believe you deserve?

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Philippians 2:13 (NLT)

Please, let’s pray for each to let go and surrender to the truthful teachings and promises of God’s Word and enter in to the fullness of everything that is God’s best for us. Then He is able to freely work His purpose through us without fighting us like a parent trying to get his child to accept and appreciate something amazing, if the child only believed enough; not only in the creation but in the Creator; not in the gift but in the giver of the gift. What a life it would be.

Click on Measured Faith Recovery Lesson.

3 Responses to Trust Issues

Josette says:

January 13, 2014 at 10:18 am

Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed.

There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!

- Steven Gledhill says:
  
  January 14, 2014 at 12:30 am
  
  … Not completely off topic. I would agree that your daughter has trust issues now at four years old. “What else is daddy going to promise me next time I’m in a pinch?” Upon surviving this experience, how long before your little girl trusts you again?
  
  I am kidding, of course. I enjoyed the story… Thank you.
  
Jenifer says:

December 29, 2013 at 4:27 am

Spot on with this write-up, I really think this website needs far more attention. I’ll probably be returning to see more, thanks for the advice!

Trust Issues

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

When the Levee Breaks (Restoring Trust)

What about psychological process?

Caged by Shame

So what about spiritual process?

So why not trust God? What do you have to lose?

Guilt & Shame, Scabs & Scars (Recovery from Your Past)

Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm

Measured Faith (Belief Enough?)

Expectations about Faith

So What Then about Faith?

Desiring God’s Best

What’s the problem here?

Already Free in the Joy

“Why call Me Lord when you don’t mean it?”

What a life it would be

3 Responses to Trust Issues

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© 2012-2024

Unveiling Truth since 2012

Hopeless to Healed

Sympathetic Savior

Believe It or Not

Thoughts, Feelings & Behavior

NewLIFE

Applied Recovery

Revolutionary Faith

Beware

More Articles of Note

12-Step Recovery

FFM Categories

Whenever…

Looking for Something?

Trust Issues

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

When the Levee Breaks (Restoring Trust)

What about psychological process?

Caged by Shame

So what about spiritual process?

So why not trust God? What do you have to lose?

Guilt & Shame, Scabs & Scars (Recovery from Your Past)

Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm

Measured Faith (Belief Enough?)

Expectations about Faith

So What Then about Faith?

Desiring God’s Best

What’s the problem here?

Already Free in the Joy

“Why call Me Lord when you don’t mean it?”

What a life it would be

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3 Responses to Trust Issues

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

© 2012-2024

Unveiling Truth since 2012

Hopeless to Healed

Sympathetic Savior

Believe It or Not

Thoughts, Feelings & Behavior

NewLIFE

Applied Recovery

Revolutionary Faith

Beware

More Articles of Note

12-Step Recovery

FFM Categories

Whenever…

Looking for Something?