Self-Esteem/Image

“I Don’t Love Me”… Oh Yes You Do (Restoring Self-Esteem)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength… Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.”
Mark 12:30-31 (NLT)

How do I love my neighbor… my brother… my children… if I don’t love myself?

.                                     .          (           2) (11)The thing is, to not love, care, or have concern for yourself would mean that you are indifferent and completely and purely unmotivated out of absolute selflessness to do or be anything. You need to let that marinate and soak in for a bit since on the surface it may not seem to make much sense.

Unmotivated to do what? It doesn’t matter. To deny yourself from an absolute disposition of selflessness without intentions of any kind would ultimately result in your death. What??? What could that possibly mean? To not love yourself would be to be indifferent to your own needs—to care not at all about anything or anyone, beginning with you. Nothing would be of importance to you or necessary in any way. You certainly wouldn’t want anything. I’ll say it again: if you did not love yourself or hold yourself in importance you would be unconditionally indifferent to your own needs.

lighthouseYou might starve. You might dehydrate. Why? Because if you do not care about yourself, no concern for you, why eat or drink? Why do anything? Why not do anything? Why go? Why stop? You would only sleep because you passed out from fatigue. Fatigue from what? From being alive at all, I suppose. There would be no incentive to get up nor to stay in bed. Why would you? Why would you be happy or sad or mad? Why would you be excited or bored? If you itched, why scratch? What would be the point? Why would you be interested? What do you care? Why would you care? You’re indifferent. To not love yourself is to not love at all. So Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself. If your love for self is motivated by anger, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, hatred, vengeance, guilt and shame, etc., I suppose that’s pretty messed up.

A little confusing so far making sense of where this is going? Please bear with me because I believe this is critically important for so many who are hurting and struggling with the way they see themselves. I am suggesting that even though you might feel hatred toward yourself for choices you’ve made or how you have reacted to abuses perpetuated against you, .                                     .          (           2) (2)that you do have positive regard for yourself motivating you to in some way improve your situation; even if the things you do prove to be destructive against you and others affected in the scope of your activity. Positive regard does not necessarily mean you emote positive feelings for yourself, it does mean that you are important enough to you to do whatever you have to do to “remedy” your discomfort; which may in the end result in increased discomfort and pain.

Even to say that you hate yourself is to admit that you care enough about yourself to hate yourself. And since concern, compassion, and passion fall under the love category, you really have to love yourself to hate yourself. Alright, so maybe that still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense so please continue.

I often have this discussion with clients since they have come to believe that they are addicted to alcohol and drugs and do what they do because they are self-destructive and need to love themselves again. Then I come along and suggest that they already do love themselves and that there is where the problem lies that lands them in prison time and time again.lost-lamb-2 (3)

“How can you suggest that I love myself when I can’t stop hurting myself and those I love and keep ending up in this place I hate?”

Surveys of folks in treatment tend to suggest that most have low self-esteem while indicating higher marks for risk-taking, justification, and rationalizing behavior. I am suggesting that low self-esteem would suggest lack of regard and consideration for one’s own needs but high marks in the other categories mentioned would suggest these prisoners go through a lot of trouble and difficulty attending to their own needs, breaking the law to overcome major obstacles getting in the way of what they believe they want, need, and deserve.

The results of these studies would also suggest that questions regarding self-esteem center around feelings of past abuse and neglect, feeling under- or unappreciated, issues with betrayal and rejection, lack or absence of healthy role models, and so on. If survey questions for self-esteem indicators were measuring attention to one’s own wants and needs and the effort that goes into securing them, the indications for self-esteem would rate much higher.

This question brings us back to the problem of self-centered entitlement. What motivates someone to continue taking risks? Why use drugs and alcohol? Why medicate pain? What break the law? Why forsake loved ones in desperate search for a remedy? What compels a person to do anything, say anything, or go anywhere? What is the motivation?

The motivation is love for self. Wants and needs instinctively evoke emotions that stimulate motivation and intention. All desire comes from a place of self-love. Whether the desire is righteous or unrighteous is beside the point. Desire is always rooted in self-love constantly feeding into a core belief of entitlement.

We all get high—gratified—in our own way. Maybe the high is chemically induced. Maybe the high comes from a cold drink of water or beverage of some kind when my throat is parched. The gratification can come from a meal to satisfy my empty stomach. Maybe the high comes from saying something to you that provokes something nice that you say back to me. Maybe it comes when I say something to you because I am angry and it needed to be said. Maybe the high comes when I experience relief from weariness or pain. You get the idea.

Drug addicts, including alcoholics, often admit that they use because it replaces something that is missing; it’s filling a void of some kind. Addicts will often speak of a history of adversity in their lives; memories perhaps of a tortured past. Most of my clients come from a history of abuse and neglect and grew up to model what they witnessed and experienced. Addicts turned to drugs from a place of really poor self-esteem. People who have ventured in and out of abusive destructive sexual relationships may not feel like they are worth anything at all. They all may have come to not like themselves very much but… that’s right… they in fact have love for themselves. It is love that is sick and selfish and destructive but love nonetheless.

.....baby_geniusEsteem is defined as “favorable regard… respect… consideration…” Poor or low self-esteem would suggest poor or low regard for self; a lack of self-respect; a lack of consideration for self or one’s well-being. I am not attempting to debunk the whole idea of what self-esteem is or isn’t. I might, however, be suggesting a paradigm shift in how self-esteem is discussed clinically and in general.

We all do what we do in pursuit of something better than what we have and what we are. If what we have are feelings of physiological deprivation, we will seek a remedy to feel better. If we are feeling psychologically deprived and emotionally wanting and needy, we will seek a remedy to feel better. The need for remedy and gratification is not partial or respective of anyone. We are all addicts of pleasure and relief. It is in our nature to protect our innermost self to survive.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. James 1:14-15 (NLT)

If I am wounded I need and want healing. If I hurt I need and want relief from the pain. If I am tired I need and want relief from fatigue and weariness by way of relaxation and sleep. If I am anxious I need and want comfort from my anxiety. If I am immobilized by the pain of guilt and shame, then I need to escape the pain. My methods might be painful and destructive to myself and others but make no mistake; I was motivated by my need for something better than what I have and where I am at. And I care enough about myself to be about doing something about it.

The addict, the codependent, the approval seeker, the loner (isolated), the self-protector (insulated), the aggressor, the passivist, the ambitious, the greedy, the fearful, the anorexic, the bulimic, the compulsive eater, the compulsive liar, the victim, the villain, the wounded, the burdened, the lover, the hater, the giver, the taker… despite their differences, all have love for themselves and engage in thinking and behavior that reflect the regard they have for themselves. They each seek gratification of some form on some scale.

The behavioral distinctions between healthy love and sick love (otherwise known as hate) can be found in the following Scripture:

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature—motivated by sick self love—the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these… But the Holy Spirit—who inspires healthy self love—produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control… Galatians 5:19-23 (NLT)

Healthy love produces fruit while sick love produces sin, and sin when full grown gives birth to death. When we talk about sick love for one self, even the feeling of sick love is dark and ugly. Self hatred is the effect of sick love for one self. Whether this is for you or someone you know that is lost in self-destructive thinking and behavior, this matter of sick love versus healthy love of self is of crucial importance and could be a matter of life or death.

Beyond addiction and morally dysfunctional relationship nightmares is the very real problem of suicidal thinking and behavior. The notion that suicide is the ultimate act of morbid self hatred and disgust can be more fully realized in the light of self hatred produced by sick love of self. If it can be communicated to someone in danger of harming them self that perhaps he or she really does care and have concern even for him or her self, and that despite one’s denial of this truth, suicide is actually the desperate act of love, a very sick love for him or her self, maybe… just maybe… the person can be convinced that with help sick love can be converted into healthy love for self. Maybe there’s a chance to fend off a desperate act full of the uncertainty that lurks on the other side of such a desperate act of sick love. Escape from one thing through death might feel certain but escape from a thing is to enter in to something else far less certain; a frightful mystery.

So what really is important to having a healthy love of self?

Important to a healthy love of self is first extending the invitation to Perfect Love to be intimately involved in your life? It is the Spirit of the Living God in the person of Jesus Christ who is Perfect Love. It isn’t merely what He represents or what He can give to your life. He is Perfect Love.

7 Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. 8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

9 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. 10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

11 Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. 12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

13 And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. 14 Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. 16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 19 We love each other because he loved us first. 1 John 4:7-18 (NLT)

It is in relationship with Christ that we experience healthy love alive in our being. Please believe me when I say that it is not about being religious. Not at all. It’s about knowing Jesus who is Perfect Love. Healthy love is such a precious commodity these days when we are surrounded by such a prevalent culture of sick dysfunctional love.

If you or someone you know is struggling with this today, please share with them the evident truth laid out in this article. It is important to remove the stain of self-hatred and the notion that self hatred need be medicated by remedies that altogether destroy lives. Let it be said that self hatred is sick love and self pity feeding into misdirected misery by way of potions that do no more than to promote even greater misery. It serves no purpose other than increasing your pain and dissatisfaction. If you didn’t care about yourself you would be indifferent toward your inner self at the core and you’re not indifferent. No one is.

“I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference. Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne.” Revelation 3:19-21 (NLT)
.                                    .        (19) (1)
“Huh? I thought you said no one is indifferent but then here is this passage from Revelation and Jesus is saying to turn from your indifference.” Jesus is addressing a kind of indifference we might have when it comes to the commands and promises of God in relationship with Him. Because of pride and insecurities, I might not invest much into the life that God has for me. That might be turning a blind eye of indifference should I not know to believe in God because I’ve never really been informed. Should I not comprehend the truth about something I might not know to heed or adhere to what is being said about it. Things are said by people everyday that I do not care about because I simply don’t know to pay attention to them. But I am always paying attention to me on some level.

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 (NLT)

Especially to someone raging on the inside with anger and hostility; for someone who is afraid to put their head down knowing they can’t sleep with the tumult spinning their thoughts into the deep, or afraid to wake up to the isolated loneliness that comes with another day; Jesus is asking for a chance to calm that sea and ease that burden. If only you would let him in. He is able and will bring peace to a weary heart, and joy to a troubled spirit.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. James 1:2-5 (NLT)

Let Perfect Love into your life and see what happens. Notice how the spirit of fear in you is changed into something courageous. Wouldn’t it be something if that bitterness your carry turns sweet and you literally sense all that inner resentment melt away as you grow in unveiling wisdom that allows you to see things as they really are from a much “higher” perspective. Wouldn’t it be something to be renewed into something far better than you are that allows you to once again see yourself as God sees you. How does He see you? He looks at you and sees Perfect Love alive within you; seeing the presence and beauty of Jesus all over you. Allow God to renew your mind and restore your joy.

caterpillar-to-butterfly.1Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (NLT)

The original Greek word for transform is ‘metamorphoo’ from which we get the word metamorphosis. It is the word that means for a caterpillar to change into a butterfly. You might feel sluggish. You might feel heavy and ugly in your spirit. Let God change your mind about yourself. Let Him help you to love yourself again with a healthy love, which you already read produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. What if you believed these things about yourself. Not only would your love for you be healthy but you could love God from a healthy place and love your neighbor with healthy love since you love your self that way.

Wow. Wouldn’t it be something.

Guilt & Shame, Scabs & Scars (Recovery from Your Past)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:19 (NLT)

Jesus Christ came to earth to identify with the human experience, to die as a sacrifice for our self-centered ‘me’dom problem. Nailed to the cross with Jesus was every mistake we ever committed. Jesus was wounded severely with gaping wounds wide open as he bled and died. With his wounds untreated, Jesus was buried in the grave, his body broken, entombed by man’s sin. For three days, the Bible says, the soul of the Sympathetic Savior bore the anguish of all of our guilt and shame.

But then something happened. The wounded soul and body of Jesus was healed and restored; resurrected into new life. When Jesus showed himself to his friends and family, they struggled to believe it. So as proof, Jesus showed them his scars. Now his wounds were healed. Scars are healed wounds, evidence of something that was at one time extremely painful. The evidence of your past is plain to see in your scars but your wounds are healed because of Christ’s suffering. By his scars you are healed and restored, though you may struggle to believe it. The memories of your past need not own you.

There is a clear distinction that needs to be drawn between guilt and shame. Scripture is clear in identifying our responsibility for our sinful attitudes and behavior. We have all sinned and fallen short of God’s standards. Our sin has resulted in the reality of decline, decay, and death. Decline is unavoidable; decay is inevitable; death is imminent. We are guilty of sin and responsible for its consequences.

The awesome truth about God’s grace is that Jesus paid our eternal debt for sin and that we are set free from its ultimate consequences. It is fact that I need only believe in relationship with Jesus Christ for forgiveness of sin that I will spend eternity in fellowship with Christ as a member of His family. When I accept this fact into my life then God is faithful to exercise His grace and my eternity with Him is sealed. My guilt, which is my responsibility, is paid in full.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Psalm 103:12

When I confess my sin, God is faithful and just to forgive me (1 John 1:9). In other words, whenever I am arrested (metaphorically speaking) and brought in by my accuser for questioning, justice has already been served (Christ paid it) and the judge says that I am free to go—every single time. So why do I wrestle so with my guilt?

We tend to lose perspective about guilt. What I mean is that guilt in itself is a point of recognizing and confronting mistakes and unhealthy behavior. We are indeed responsible for our behavior. When we are guilty of making mistakes or causing harm, we have an opportunity to learn from our mistakes and grow in character and maturity.

“That is all well and good that you say God has forgiven me, and has taken me back into relationship with him, but if he really knew the awful things I have done, he would not accept me.” Have you ever felt like that? Shame is borne out of unmet and failed expectations. Whose expectations? Ultimately, it is our own unmet and failed expectations that result in our judgment of ourselves that lead to feeling shame. So many of us cannot forgive ourselves and believe that if we cannot forgive ourselves, how can God forgive us?

While guilt is an opportunity for learning and growth, shame is the distorted internalization of guilt that advances the over-personalizing of our mistakes and wrong doing. What is meant by “over-personalizing” is that if we absorb the guilt into the core character of who we are until we believe we have become the thing we are guilty of—that it somehow defines us. So when guilt says, “I did something wrong,” the evil scheme of shame is to utter, “I can’t do anything right.” When guilt says, “I did a bad thing,” shame says, “I’m a bad person.” When guilt says, “I made a mistake,” shame says, “I am a mistake.” When guilt can admit wrong and say, “I am sorry, please forgive me,” shame insists, “I am unforgivable.” Our shame screams at us, “Loser!” until we believe it about ourselves.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”
2 Corinthians 7:10

Godly sorrow is healthy responsible conviction of sin that leads to repentance and growth. Worldly sorrow is shame stuck in the mire of failed expectations that promotes decline, decay, and ultimately death. The devil is a roaring lion seeking who he may devour and he uses shame as teeth to rip us to shreds.

A great deal of shame is felt in the open wounds of our past. We seem to make progress in putting the past behind us and then something happens or something is said that rips the wound wide open again. This occurs when the wound hasn’t healed quite yet. These are scabs that have dried up enough so that we can function in our circumstances and relationships, but as soon as the scab is met with some friction, we’re a bloody mess again. Scripture tells us that God has removed our sin as far as the east is from the west, an infinite separation. It’s time to let go of what God has Himself let go of in your life—that being past mistakes. He has declared you innocent. He has fully reinstated you as an heir to all that is His (Luke 15:11-31—the story of the restored prodigal).

What exactly are scars? Scars are evidence of healed wounds. You can see the mark of the wound but it no longer owns you. Healed wounds are rendered powerless by the grace of God as we experience freedom in surrendered (body, mind, heart and soul), committed relationship with Jesus Christ.

What we must learn is that when we live according to God’s expectations, according to what the Bible says about His expectations, we need only to let go of our own failures and rest in the compassionate mercy of our Sympathetic Savior (Hebrews 4:14-16). When we approach the throne of God where Jesus sits (He’s not on the cross anymore), confident in our relationship with Him, then He replaces our guilt with His peace.

“When our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts.” (1 John 3:20)

Come to Your Senses (Restorative Recovery)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project and NLX 101

If you haven’t already, I recommend that you read the articles posted to FFMP entitled, Guilt and Shame, Scabs and Scars and Caged by Shame. These articles speak to the matter of guilt and shame and the differences between them. Guilt can be a vehicle for restored health by recognizing mistakes, learning from them, and taking responsibility to initiate changes and implement healthy disciplines for the purpose of repentance and growth. Shame, on the other hand, is the device of our internal self-centered devices, as well as a primary vehicle of our spiritual adversary to drive us into ourselves, internalizing our flaws and failures, and even the circumstances in our world to somehow define us to the point that we buy in to irrational beliefs about it all. Shame is the driving force behind self-condemnation that ultimately debilitates and ruins us.    

 

Jesus knew this matter of self-condemnation would be a problem for us so he told us about a very wealthy father who had two sons. One of his son’s became uncomfortable with all that he had, and the way things were, and chose to leave and do his own thing his own way. He asked his dad if he could receive right now the inheritance that he would receive when his father died. Then, he thought he would have it all, everything he needed, and he would not be uncomfortable. Besides, money and possessions would mean power and control. Driven by an escalated sense of entitlement, the son would be able to do what he wanted, when he wanted to do it, without anyone telling him what to do. He wanted the control of his own life and destiny, motivated by discontentment, in order to minimize his discomfort.   

 

Jesus said, “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Give the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living.” Luke 15:11-13 (NKJV)  

 

“I was so obsessed with me and the reasons that I might be dissatisfied that I couldn’t focus on other people… What I trace this to is a certain selfishness on my part.” —Barack Obama

The son left his family, and everything that was good, well, and secure, to go do his own thing. The problem, though, was that all this power and control was as addictive then as it is today. He could not stop once his brain was fueled by lust and greed and put into drive. It took more of his self-centered pursuits in an addictive lifestyle to overcome discomfort and dissatisfaction. This young adult man was so obsessed with the reasons of his dissatisfaction and repeatedly made destructive lifestyle choices necessary to conquer his problem. The Bible says he wasted what he had on “prodigal” living, including his participation in drunken sexual escapades with prostitutes.   

 

Words that describe “prodigal” living are: wayward, meaningless, self-indulgent, riotous, corrupt, wasteful, reckless, uncontrolled, degenerate, immoral, wicked, and depraved, to name a few. These words might also be descriptive of lifestyle patterns of our addictive behavior from lifestyle choices to address our obsession with dissatisfaction.

But then this son began to squander and lose everything he had and was lost in the cycle of addictive living. There are those stuck in addiction that know exactly what I am talking about, and others in recovery from addiction that know exactly what I am talking about. As we become more and more indulgent in addictive behavior, it develops into a lifestyle and the problems mount and life becomes a continuous struggle just to survive. Self-indulgent, reckless behavior may appear to be a good time at the beginning, but as it becomes a pattern of behavior and evolves into a lifestyle, the trappings of an uncontrolled addictive lifestyle and culture creep in a little at a time until they take over, and the addictive lifestyle costs outweigh its benefits.

This is what the lost son in the Bible came to understand as well. Not only did he experience the direct effects of an addictive lifestyle that contributed to his destruction in life, but there was an occurrence that came out of left field that he did not expect. He had already run low on his resources when a famine hit the land and wiped out whatever resources he had left.

“But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country who sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would have gladly filled his stomach with the pods (husks, shells) that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything. Luke 15:14-16 (NKJV)  

  

Addicts in pain understand that this is how it is. It’s bad enough that our behavior as self-absorbed addicts has its direct effects but then we often find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time and it goes from bad to worse and then even worse. For the lost prodigal son that Jesus was talking about, a famine had hit the area where he made his home at the worst possible time, and it left him with nothing. He had to get a job caring for the pigs of an acquaintance. He could not even afford to eat the same “food” that he fed those pigs.    

 

When he was with his dad, he had it all. His father was a wealthy man who treated his sons well and blessed them from the love in his heart that a father has for his sons. When this son ran off with his portion of his father’s wealth without the loving guidance of his father, he couldn’t handle it. He took what was meant for good and chose unwisely and poorly, resulting in his undoing.  

 

Do you remember that Adam and Eve had it all, everything in the garden God provided them, but became uncomfortable when it was brought to their attention that they could have more? Do you remember that they essentially wanted the one thing that God had that in their hands would be their doom? God knew what they could not handle. They chose unwisely and poorly, and it was their undoing. Jesus tells this story of a man that bit a lot more than what he could chew, and, like Adam and Eve, what he bit into got the best of him, almost killing him.   

 

Listen to what Jesus says about this young man who lost everything and how his father responded.

 

But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food enough to spare, and I perish with hunger? I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against God and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.’ And he arose and went to his father.

But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had great compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father I have sinned against God and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.” Luke 15:17-24 (NKJV)

 

Here is an opportunity to introduce the ABC principles of recovery right here in this wonderful story of the activation of the promise of God to empower us in recovery when we admit, believe, and commit. These are the necessary steps to help us recognize the responsibility for our mistakes, for which we are indeed guilty. Once we come to believe that the one we are responsible to, loves us enough to forgive us, it becomes bearable to admit our mistakes without the hopeless shame we tend to link with our failures—failed expectations.

 

Admit – The son admitted his way of handling what his father had given him did not work. The Bible says he came to his senses. I believe the son hit rock bottom and hurt bad enough to seek help. I suppose there was a period of ambivalence where he may have been conflicted between the pleasure he experienced with his booze, drugs and women; and the life of peace and stability he could have if he turned from his ways and returned to what he knew was of greater benefit. This really hit home with him when he realized that even his dad’s hired help had been better cared for than the care he was getting on his own (Luke 15:17).  

 

Believe – The son believed that his father could care for him in a way that no one else could and that the only resolution to his mess was to return to his dad, admit that he blew it, and ask for forgiveness in the hope that his father would indeed forgive him (Luke 15:17-18). He believed that becoming dependent on his father was his only real hope for a new life of recovery. He believed in his heart (his gut, his inner man) that his dad’s way worked.   

 

Commit – The son did not just talk about what he needed to do to be restored by his father into a place of recovery, rather he committed himself to doing it. He left the addictive lifestyle that left him hungry and devastated, and returned to the one who could rescue him from himself. In fact, he committed to the care and also the will of his father, when he said, “Make me like one of your servants.(Luke 15:19) The son was humbled and willing to do whatever it took to be successful in his recovery. Truth be told, he did what he had to do for a meal. But recovery was the payoff.

.     . (1) best robe

Best Robe – Upon arriving, the father immediately had his servants bring his son the best robe. The best robe in this story represents the robe of righteousness.The father was committed to helping in his son’s recovery. The son was lost in his own choices and behavior. He was dead in his shame. His father expressed compassionate mercy becoming reconciled with his son by covering him with his own righteousness. In other words, it was the goodness of the father that made his son good. The son would no longer carry the weight of his shame since his father removed it and replaced it with his goodness. The best robe of righteousness that Father God has put on us to cover our sin is his son, Jesus Christ. We wear the righteousness of Jesus when we return to our Father who is in heaven. 

 

Signet Ring – The father then ordered that a ring be placed on his son’s finger. The ring was a signet ring that meant that the son was restored into the family once again as an heir to his father’s estate. This is an astounding statement of a father’s love for his son—“Everything that is mine is yours, my son”. Everything the father owned would once again be inherited by his son now that the son’s debt of disobedience was forgiven. This reconciliation meant that there was full recovery of their relationship.

 

Sandals – The son arrived barefoot and his dad had the servants put sandals on his feet. Only permanent members of the family wore sandals, while the employees were barefoot in the master’s house. The sandals were a symbol of affirmation that the young man was back home. He no longer was the lost son—the dead son—but was alive. He was the found son. He was family.

 

Feast – Finally, the father told his servants to kill and prepare the fatted calf for a feast. This meant that they would be celebrating a very special occasion. The father proclaimed with joy, “My son was dead (in his independence from the father) and is alive again (in his dependence on the father). He was lost (in addictive shame) and now is found (in relationship). Let’s celebrate!” (Luke 15:24).

 

The point of this story is to recognize that Jesus is talking about our relationship with God. We are born into this world with the opportunity to submit to God in the person of Jesus Christ who has it all, and desires to show his favor on us and bless us with the riches of heaven. He wants us to be full of life. So why do we continually squander what God desires for us when we determine to live life our own way in an effort to minimize our discontented mindset? Why do we fall prey to selfish sin, and allow it to take hold of us?   

 

We have a fallen nature prone to addictive sin—the logical cause and effect of compensating for our dissatisfaction and the failed expectations we have of ourselves. It takes over our lifestyle until it finally ruins us and we hit bottom. When we finally hurt badly enough, we might just admit that we are powerless and are resigned to die in our shame. We must reach out to God who loves us more than we can know. He is compassionate, always faithful to forgive us and give us a shot at a new life through his plan of recovery, which begins by restoring us into relationship with him. Our way of thinking leads to disorder (James 3:16) and emptiness, while God’s way of recovery leads to peace and fulfillment. When we finally comprehend that letting go of our failed expectations means submitting to the will of our Sympathetic Savior Jesus Christ, we can know that he has set our captive hearts free. It is in submitting to recovery God’s way that we can finally realize freedom.     

 

God cannot wait to set us free. He wants to set you free from your addiction to you. When he receives us back into his family, he showers us with his incredible love through blessings from heaven. Whenever one who was lost returns home to the family, there is a party in heaven. It is at home that we are free. All that is his is ours, freely given by him.

 

“I say to you there is joy in heaven in the presence of angels over one sinner who repents.” Luke 15:10 (NKJV)  

 

Permanent of God’s family

One fact validated by the words of Jesus Christ himself is that he has the authority to set us free once and for all and that we are adopted into his family permanently. God has adorned you and me with the robe of Christ’s righteousness. He has placed the ring of the inheritance of the full blessings of heaven onto our fingers, and has placed sandals on our feet, spiritually speaking, as indicative of our position as permanent members of the family of God. Jesus said,   

 

“A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever. So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:35-36 (NLT)  

 

Our problem is that we don’t readily accept that we are slaves of anything until we are wiped out by it, and drowning in the wake of its shame. Receive this word today. Let it resonate with you. Freedom comes from knowing Jesus. He has liberated us from a life of addiction to sin and shame. Quit crawling back into the cage of shame clinging to the memories and methods of your past. Let it go. Let go of failed expectations and reach out to Jesus. Let him heal your wounds. His expectation for you is that you receive forgiveness from him and live with peace and joy in his grace.   

 

We all eventually understand the reality of hell we are living in. The prodigal son from the Bible came to believe in hell when his circumstances deteriorated to the extent that he was coveting the food he was feeding pigs. He knew hell when he had lost everything due to his addiction to overcoming dissatisfaction.  

 

The point is that it does us absolutely no good not to give your shame to Jesus Christ to free you from it. Let the price that Jesus paid for your addictive sin be enough. Receive his forgiveness and be free to start a new life. Be willing to let go of all of it and let God love you. Submit your life to his compassionate mercy. Let go and let Jesus take you upward from your hell into a new stable life of peace, freedom, and joy.   

BRAINWASHED into Something Beautiful… New Life

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

The first two steps of the Twelve Step model state the following:
1. We admitted we were powerless over addiction* – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

* “addiction” is substituted for the word “alcohol”

Step Three of the Twelve Steps says, “Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Many will say that this is the Commitment or Surrender Step. I have said that and will continue to say it. It is probably more accurate to state, though, that Step Three is the decision to surrender. It is steps four through twelve that one acts out surrender and commitment in recovery. 

It is often said that this third step is the most difficult of the twelve, which is understandable… you know… because it’s about commitment and surrender and all that. Let me suggest that when one is truly working in the truth of the first three steps that step 3 is the simplest step of the twelve. Step three is the only thing left to possibly do and is an instinctual response to the first two steps.

If you were trapped in a burning building where flames are everywhere and out of control, calling for help hoping that maybe someone will hear you, and in your moment of despair, through the intense flames and thick smoke, the fireman appears and says to you, “follow me!” What will you do? Are you at all reluctant? Why is it that when the fireman appears fully equipped to rescue you that you may cling to all that you believe you can save… which, by the way, is all on fire… when you can’t even save yourself? The fireman says, “Follow me!” and you say, “I appreciate that you can help me but I am better off on my own. I won’t burn, I’ve got this. I am all that I need.” On the other hand, if you recognized and then admitted that you are utterly powerless in the flames of such adversity, when the fireman came to your rescue you would most certainly ascertain that your odds improve greatly should you do whatever it is the fireman says to do. Believing enough, you would commit to going with him since it has to be better than what you’ve got going on on your own. So Why resist?

The evil in your addiction wants to sabotage your peace and steal your joy by deceiving you into believing its lies about you. The lie is that you need to come clean before God, even though His Word says that because of what Jesus did as the sacrifice for your sin, you can approach God with bold confidence as you are in the shape you are in. The shame of your past is on fire. Who you are in your addiction is on fire. Your past failures are on fire. Your weaknesses are on fire. Your selfish pride is on fire. The jealousy and resentment you can’t seem to shake is on fire. What you covet is on fire. Your hypocrisy in trying so hard to do right and good in your own strength is on fire.

The lie is that while the fireman fully equipped has arrived to deliver you from being engulfed in the flames, you’ve been duped into believing that on your own you can somehow fight fires. Honestly, if you were trapped in a burning building and the fireman stormed in to rescue you, would you for one second attempt to send him away so that you could put out the flames with your bucket of water? Or, would you admit sensibly that you are powerless to save yourself; believing that the fireman is your only real chance to survive, would you by necessity commit to following the fireman, doing whatever he says to save your life?

......fireman rescue (2)This decision to surrender is predicated on the belief in a power greater than ourselves who can rescue us to safety; then restore us into sanity. As we come to understand who we are in relation to who God is, the decision is remarkably sensible to turn our unmanageable lives—our mess—over to the ONLY ONE with the authority to renew and restore us through His plan of surrendered recovery. It is so sensible that to decide anything else only adds to the insanity of our addiction to selfish obsessions.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. James 1:14-15 (NLT)  

“Gives birth to death“… how insane is that? When we come to understand how our brains work—selfish to the core—with automatic thoughts based on chemical reactions in the brain, fueling beliefs so irrational that they generate feelings that drive behavior willing to risk so much for instant gratification (reward), we do so at great risk and cost. The result is loss: lost freedom, lost peace, lost hope, lost trust, lost love… lost life. I am often asked, “Why do I settle for that?” It is our nature. When we seek to know ourselves through an honest inventory of ourselves, hoping to identify the exact nature of what is wrong with us, the more our self examination breaks down to our deeply rooted selfishness. We can try this and try that to fix ourselves, but it’s like pulling weeds that break off at the root but the roots are so deep that the weeds always grow back, bigger and badder than ever.

We have taken the brain that God created in us to be good, and allowed evil to come in and spread like a cancer until we are rotten to the core in our selfish thoughts, beliefs, and behavior. How does that change? It changes when we come to believe that we are powerless to our selfish motivations and intentions, come to believe in what can and will do to wash our brains, transforming them into something new, and the commit daily to letting Him brainwash us since He has afforded us the opportunity to enter into relationship with Him as an act of our will.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world (‘aeon’ or ‘age’) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2 (NIV)

– To read more about the translation of this passage, click New Age Living (and oh by the way, your feet smell)

While God’s love for us is unconditional, the quality of relationship we have with God is conditional. This is evident throughout Scripture. Relationships always have a when-then quality to them. When one thing happens in relationship, then another thing happens in response. To experience the life of transformative recovery empowered in relationship with God, we need to be about the when in the relationship. God will then change us into something new.

Pastor Fran Leeman unveiled from Scripture some truth I had not seen before. He said that the Greek word for ‘world’ in Romans 12:1 is ‘aeon’ (pronounced ee-on). The word means age. Apostle Paul is writing that we are not of this age who have come to believe into relationship with God through Christ Jesus. We are no longer tied into the fate of this age once transformed into new life, so why reach back thinking as though we are still what we were. God desires to change our thinking by the renewing of our minds so that we come to believe and live in the new age of the coming of the Kingdom of God, which has come by way of resurrected Christ.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

There is what we do in this transformative relationship, and there is what God does. What we do is offer our bodies to God sacrificially with our actions–our behavior. It is what we do with our eyes and our ears. It is what we do with what goes in and what comes out of our mouths. It is what we reach for with our arms and hold on to with our hands. It is where we go with our legs and where we stay with our feet (Romans 12:1). It is with our bodies that we give in to selfish urges and fall into addictive patterns, and it is with our bodies that we quit giving in to them.

There is what we do from the outside in when we offer ourselves sacrificially to God by the way we behave with our bodies. Then there is what God does in us from the inside out to completely transform us by the full renewing of our minds—literally rearranging our brain chemistry so as to empower us to live better and to think and feel healthier. God exchanges our desires and intentions with His desires and intentions. We then can resist self-centered addictive urges through the power of prayer and actually live in freedom, proving that God’s plan for us is perfect and beautiful. (Romans 12:1-2)

“Be transformed by the renewing of your minds” (Romans 12:2). The word “be” is a passive verb, meaning that it is not something we do but rather something that is done to us when we act sacrificially with our bodies committed to God’s way of behavior. Then what God does is completely transform our character and our thinking by rearranging the way our brain works, restoring it to what He created in the first place. The promise is of this transformation is that when we live according to our new God-given desires and objectives, both our behavior and what we think about and feel is healthy again. We are better having become well. We then prove in this new life that God’s plan for us is perfect and beautiful. This is how we can know and experience God’s will for us.

When we offer our bodies, meaning our physical strength to God as a living sacrifice, no longer committing our bodies to addictive patterns of behavior;

Then God completely transforms (metamorphoo) our hearts and our souls by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1-2). Then we can love God with our whole being, and our neighbor as ourselves.

When we commit to change externally from the outside in, changing what we do (Romans 12:1-2a),

Then God changes us internally from the inside out, changing who we are and what we think (Romans 12:2).

When we delight in the Lord in our action,

Then God gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4) by changing what we want according to his will and purpose.

When we rejoice, celebrating our recovery in relationship with Christ, offering praise and presenting prayer requests with our mouths, as well as showing considerate acts of service with our physical ability;

Then God replaces our anxiety with peace to our souls, guarding (covering) our hearts and our minds by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, empowering us to do anything (Philippians 4:4-7, 13).

When we commit to doing the will of God,

Then God changes our intentions and motives, according to His will (Philippians 2:13).

When we take responsibility for our behavior, repenting of our guilt (godly sorrow),

Then God mercifully removes our shame (worldly sorrow) and pain (2 Corinthians 7:10).

When we seek to know and see Jesus through prayer and a lifestyle committed to his will,

Then Jesus Christ will turn our sorrow into joy (John 16:20-22).

When we are committed to action according to the will of God, as his will takes over in us converting our intentions into doing what he intends we do,

Then we can ask him for anything and he promises to grant our requests (John 15:7).

When we commit to behaving according to the will of God, imitating the model of recovery set for us by the life of His Son Jesus,

Then we have joy overflowing as true friends of God (John 15:9-16).

“That is why the Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. They hope, by being good, to please God if there is one; or, they hope to deserve approval from good men. But the Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the roof of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines in it.”
—C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

.                  .          2) (5These promises from the Bible reveal a when-then relationship. When we are committed to turning away from the things of our addictive flesh—outside-in change, then God is faithful to transforming us from the inside out. The original Greek translation for the word ‘transform’ is metamorphoo, meaning to metamorph from one thing into another; like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.

Did you know that for the caterpillar to become a butterfly it is completely broken down into something of a goo (see “Something of a Goo” below), maintaining only the embryonic essentials necessary to be remade, rebuilt, reborn into something brand new that is beautiful and free. This miracle has a name; identified as “chrysalis”. In the same way, it is essential that we allow ourselves to be humbled and broken down, melted hearts and minds, to the point that we’ve no other option but to surrender to the process of transformation, rearranged and reformed into something beautiful… NEW LIFE.

As God transforms our character into a new person by changing how we think, it is like starting a new life. Not only do we act on what is healthy, mature, responsible, and godly, we want to willfully do that which pleases God. Whenever we do what pleases God it is always to our benefit, never to our detriment. That doesn’t mean we never have problems again. It means that we have his powerful support to manage and resolve problems and conflicts. When we commit our will to do the will of God, doing recovery God’s way, we do much better.

It is entirely possible with God’s help that when we pray with our mouths, and read the Bible, God’s written word, with our eyes, that our minds will be changed. We read in Romans 12:2 that the perfect will of God for you and for me is realized as we come to trust him completely and commit to our recovery his way. This is God’s way of challenging us to prove that his will for us is ideal. What an opportunity we have to experience all that God has and wants for us. Our lives make sense again as we commit to the sensible will of God and experience what God has for us in every facet of our livelihood.

Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled and became slaves to many lusts and pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy, and we hated each other. But when God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life. Titus 3:3-7 (NLT)

“Something of a Goo”

In order for the change from a caterpillar to a butterfly to take place within the pupa, the caterpillar begins releasing enzymes that literally digest nearly all of its own body. What’s left inside the chrysalis is mostly just a very nutrient rich soup from which the butterfly will begin to form.

It was thought until very recently that the caterpillar was completely converted to goo, excepting certain special cells necessary to create the butterfly body parts. This idea has recently been debunked with researchers at Georgetown University proving that moths retain at least some of the memories they had when they were caterpillars. For this to be the case, at least some of their memory storing neurons must survive the enzyme digestion process. Further, these neurons must somehow be incorporated into the moth or butterfly’s brain, which is quite a bit larger and more complex than a caterpillar’s brain.

Also left within the goo are very tiny imaginal disks, which are similar to embryonic cells. These disks are actually present within the caterpillar its whole life, but they stop growing at a certain point in the caterpillar’s development and only start again when it is time for the caterpillar to morph into a butterfly. Once the proper time comes, the imaginal disks use the nutrients from the digested body of the caterpillar as they form into different parts of the butterfly’s body, with different disks forming into different tissues. For instance, there are imaginal disks that will form the legs, antennae, specific organs, etc. of the butterfly. There are even four imaginal disks that form wings. If one of these forming wings is removed, the other three will simply adapt to form bigger wings to compensate for the loss of the one wing.

Once the process is complete, the imaginal disks ultimately replace nearly every part of the dissolved caterpillar’s body with new “parts”, forming the butterfly.

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