Mourning Sickness… Resistant to Repentant

by Steven Gledhill for the FREEdom from MEdom Project 

What does your family look like? Does it look more like the model supplied by our TV Cosby family, cohesive and loving, accepting of one another’s flaws, able to effectively communicate with one another? Or does your family tend to resemble our TV family of severe codependent dysfunction, the Simpsons?

What is so interesting about The Simpsons, a 30-minute show that can be so funny, is that if it were a real life family, it would be miserable and so tragically sad. It has your irresponsible, undisciplined alcoholic husband and father; your codependent emotionally neglected and abused wife and mother; the overachieving ‘carry the weight of the whole family’s inadequacies’ daughter and sister; the irreverent ‘desperate for father’s love’ underachieving problem son and and brother; and last but not least, the most emotionally mature and stable one of the bunch who’s not even old enough to walk. Actually, this TV family does resemble real-life families everywhere.

Somewhere between these two family’s is the Everybody Loves Raymond family that incorporates the dysfunctional codependent relationships with the matter of spouses’ parents and in-laws. The hilarity and tragedy ensues.

But everybody’s smiling for the cameras.

These families have existed since the first families came to be. In the Old Testament are stories of several families that routinely gave in to their ‘me’dom urges, which led to severely dysfunctional behavior breaking down health of these famous families. There was jealousy in Adam and Eve’s family that led to Cain murdering his brother Abel. There was Abraham and Sarah so anxious to have the son promised by God that they concocted a scheme to hasten God’s promise. Abraham committed adultery with Hagar and out came Ishmael. Isaac would be born to Sarah and today this family is still at war with millions of lives at stake. 

When Jacob took more than one wife (Leah and Rachel), jealousy abounded among his sons when it became clear that Rachel’s son, Joseph, was the favorite (Rachel was the wife Jacob loved). Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery and told their dad he’d been killed. Later in the Old Testament, King David yielded to his ‘me’dom urge and committed adultery with Bathsheba. To cover up her pregnancy, David conspired to murder Bathsheba’s husband and then he married her. “Me’dom would persist in David’s family leading to more incest, rape, betrayal and murder. And so it goes. 

‘Me’dom behavior is the malignant undoing of families. Sometimes we read these Bible stories and don’t really put the thought into realizing how devastating the consequences of jealousy and selfish ambition were to those families. Keep in mind that the order of the family was established by God. Jealousy and selfish ambition are evil and are vehicles for disorder in the infrastructure of the family. What is behind a spouse’s wandering eye that can so easily lead to undisciplined choices and problemmatic attention outside the covenant of marriage? What’s behind sibling rivalry? Why so many problems with parents and in-laws? Jealousy and selfish ambition is why. 

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. James 3:16 (NLT) 

The teachings of Scripture plainly unveil the truth of invasive infectious self-centered thinking and behavior hastening the procurement of ‘me’dom values as the destructive dysfunction of families. When the infection becomes a cancer it can ruin and destroy families. When the cancer enters into its latest stages husbands and wives who are mothers and fathers experience the death of the cells within their marriage until the marriage dies tearing apart relationships through the tragedy of divorce.

Even the best of families throughout history have been ripped apart because of resentment and jealousy from self-absorbed parents who don’t see the pain being endured by their children through the clouds of their self-centered agendas. It’s happened from the first family, historically speaking, until now. The question is, what are you going to do about it? What needs to change in your family beginning with you?

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your (‘me’dom) desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3 (NIV) 

Some very famous people and families in Scripture struggled with this in their family systems. It is painfully clear that as they willfully participated in self-centered ‘me’dom behavior borne out of their obsession with their dissatisfaction, those families self destructed. There seemed to be no limit to the lengths they would go to try in vain to achieve contentment. Your family may not resort to incest and murder like King David’d family did to somehow achieve some semblance of satisfaction; you probably haven’t sold anyone lately into slavery like Jacob’s family did; but do you use sarcasm to reduce someone else in order to hopefully feel better? Do you lie to protect yourselves? Do you gossip and triangulate to feel better? 

Triangulation occurs when you are in conflict with someone but feel anxious about confronting the person. So, to relieve the anxiety it becomes “necessary” to bring in a third party. Once you have pulled in a third party, that person tends to share in your feelings about the person the two of you are talking about. Then, based on your story about the person you’re in conflict with, the third party now has a problem with that person as well. Then, when the person you are in conflict with meets the third party, the person you’re in conflict with is now in conflict with the third party. And then you all triangulate with other folks who each have their own ‘me’dom agenda until you have a mess—disorder.

Triangulation is a key ingredient in family conflict and codependency. Family members are withdrawn, distant, and cold. No one is taking unless alliances have formed in these triangles and back-biting and back-stabbing conversations occur in secret. Holidays and family gatherings are full of tension with extended family members walking on egg shells. Perhaps you’re walking on egg shells in your home now. Who’s talking to whom? Who’s on whose side? Ultimately, interactive triangles in the family system reap destruction to the system. Call it “Death by triangulation”. 

Codependency occurs when family members who are emotionally dependent in their own ‘me’dom issues, also become enmeshed in the ‘me’dom issues of other family members. The result is intense anxiety, stress and fear. In order to alleviate your own anxiety, you will fight in futility for control in the lifestyle concerns of others. 

Another word for codependency is co-addiction. I am addicted to me and you are addicted to you. But, I am also addicted to you and you are addicted to me in the system of the family. So, whatever your dependency issues are, because I am addicted to you, I am co-addicted, or codependent, on your dependency stuff. It sounds convoluted, but think about it for a bit and it makes sense. 

When we identify our dependency issues as resentment, unforgiveness, anger, shame, alcoholism, drug addiction, perfectionism, approval’ism’, and so on, then bring in the element of codependency and triangulation, it is not all that difficult for families to be closer to our Biblical examples of dysfunctional families than we’d like to admit. Our families will trend toward quarreling and fighting against each other motivated by jealousy and selfish ambition. We will become stuck coveting out of our dissatisfaction within our family system, killing each other with our words. 

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:14-16 (NIV) 

Husbands pray for their wives, and wives for their husbands, motivated by ‘me’dom intentions. Brothers and sisters will pray for each other and for their parents motivated by ‘me’dom desires. And the motives of parents are always pure when they pray for their kids, right? When parents pray sermons at the dinner table for their children to be obedient, and to not talk back, and to make better decisions choosing their friends, it’s always from a purely motivated heart for their well being; or is it? Can we be honest enough to consider that we might be praying for each other according to what we want for each other? Most times, what we want for each other is healthy and right, but there are definitely times when we ask God from impure motives, motivated by fear and anxiety, skewed by anger, adjusted for personal gain, fortified in defense of our own selfish interests. 

What would happen if we triangulated God into all of our relationships—our marriage, our family, our friendships, our acquaintances, and even our professional relationships? This is the core ingredient to freedom from ‘me’dom in our families and all of our relationship interaction. Jesus said that we are to love God with all that we are, and love our neighbors as ourselves. How is this possible, especially when in darker times we don’t necessarily feel love for our spouse, our siblings, our parents, and sometimes even our children? How is it possible to love God with our entire being when we don’t necessarily feel love for God? We are confused and off course when we measure love by our emotions. Love is a matter of the will measured by what we do for God and one another. It is in relationship with Jesus that we are empowered to love and serve our neighbors as ourselves. 

C.S. Lewis writes the following from Mere Christianity:

“The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less… But whenever we do good to another self, just because it is a self, made (like us) by God, and desiring its own happiness as we desire ours, we shall have learned to love it a little more, at least, to dislike it less… Some writers use the word charity to describe not only Christian love between human beings, but also God’s love for man and man’s love for God. About the second of these two, people are often worried. They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act is if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, ‘If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?’ When you find the answer, go and do it.”

When we commit to living in the will and care of God, we become a disciple of God, following his example and adhering to his teachings. Jesus says, then, that we are friends of his (John 15:12-15). Jesus treasures his friendships. Then, as we desire in relationships what God desires in relationships, we can interact with others with the sincere and fearless love for our family and friends that Jesus has for his family and friends. 

The Apostle Paul describes that kind of love like this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) 

Finally, Paul says that real love never fails (1 Corinthians 4:8). John writes that love from a pure heart, motivated by godliness, drives out fear (1 John 4:18). Is there reservation in your family—your marriage? Are you afraid to go places emotionally with your spouse, your children, or your parents because there is reservation in the recesses of your heart afraid of what they will think or how they’ll react? 

When it comes to family, God created it, put in order, then when we messed it up, He sent His son to save it without reservation. Jesus loves my family so much more than I ever could. God loves without reservation with nothing to fear. Jesus did something for my wife and my kids I have never done. He died for them. He wants for them things I haven’t even thought of. Over the years, God carried my family through some difficult times, including cancer. He is loving and powerful and is in complete authority over all things. 

Our families have been infected with the ‘me’dom disease. Our families are flawed by ‘me’dom intentions and damaged by ‘me’dom behavior. Instead of fighting each other we would do well to be freedom fighters through submission as entire families to the sensible Biblical strategy for recovery. God’s way of recovery for our families is to let go of our selfish attitudes and ambition and trust God to work his will into our intentions and behavior. 

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13, NIV 

The purpose of God is for us to admit that our plans do not work and to believe that God’s plan for our family is exactly what works and then commit to trusting in God’s plan. Stop and imagine for a moment how this would change the way your family does its business. Just as Jesus asked the paralytic if he wanted to get better (John 5), he is asking you and me, do you want your family to get better—to be made well? Jesus came for the sick, the Bible says. Most families are sick and in need of a remedy.

God is a healing God. He desires nothing but good things for your family. When things happen that bring disappointment, and at times, extreme pain, God did not do that to you. Life happens, and sometimes the consequences of an evil world have horrific effects on us. It becomes absolutely necessary then that we do what we know to do through recovery to minimize the damage and maximize the opportunity to be blessed by God. Instead of fighting one another in our families we can be fighting for each others’ freedom by submitting to the will and plan of God with love for each other. Where does this plan start? FORGIVENESS. Obvious, when you think about it, isn’t it?

What Do You Want… Really? (Measuring Gain & Loss, Risk & Reward?)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” —C.S. Lewis

It is God working in you to will and to act according to His purpose. Philippians 2:13

What is ambivalence? Ambivalence is having similar intensity of desire and motivation for more than one thing, but the things are opposite from each other. In other words, to have the one thing means forfeiting or sacrificing the other thing. When your alarm goes off in the morning, you might want desperately to stay in bed, but you also want the beneficial rewards that come with fulfilling the responsibilities of the day. Getting up might feel painful at first for a little bit of your time, but you adjust in order to experience the pleasure that comes with doing the good and right things you need to do throughout the day.

The scale of ambivalence is broad and the rewards and consequences escalate and the pleasure and the pain intensify. You might love your spouse and your children very much and hold them dear to your heart. Then perhaps at the job, or in that classroom, or at that commuter train terminal, or the person you carpool with… a relationship develops that becomes special to you for different reasons (usually sexual), and brings desire and temptation into your thoughts and beliefs that challenge all that you value and can sabotage your moral structure in the name of deserved gratification. You find yourself justifying the “relationship” as nothing more than this or that. It’s merely conversation… then becomes a ritual of meeting at a certain time in a certain place at the job site in the context of “we’re working”… then coffee together in the break room… then lunch… then drinks after work… then dinner and drinks after work… then… can’t stop thinking about it.

Or maybe it never gets that far. Maybe the relationship never evolves beyond your imagination. You simply entertain the fantasy. The relationship grows in your head, drawing you in, until it interferes with your attention to your spouse. You feel guilty; perhaps shame sets in. It becomes especially difficult to pray. You confess it to God, and then drift right back into the imaginary relationship fantasy. You love your spouse. You love God. The ensuing struggle is your ambivalence toward what is good and right and best for you and all involved.

We can be infatuated enough with anything that and powerfully drawn to a thing that it becomes obsessive, ritualistic, compulsive, even deviant. The primary issue at the heart of the matter is desire. What do you want? You may want the comfort and love connected to your marriage and your family, and the peace and joy connected to that love; but you may also want the gratification that comes with the affair at whatever level it is (casual flirtation to sexual to intense emotional feelings) that also feels like love. The problem is that these two things are opposite of each other. To have the one thing is to sacrifice and lose the other thing. Then when you lose your marriage and your family over the affair—the affair can be with another person, but it can also be with alcohol and drugs, food, gambling and competition, money and possessions, pornography, sports, romance novels, television, etc.—you say, “I didn’t want that!” “I didn’t want that to happen.” The reality, though, is that the loss of this marriage and this family of mine is in fact connected to that. It always was. You got what you wanted, but you also got what was connected to the other opposite thing you wanted. The ambivalence leading us down this road is resistant to what God is able and willing to do in our recovery when we let go of selfish fantasies caught in the core belief entitlement.

Working with men incarcerated for their criminal behavior, I have this discussion about ambivalence. These men are locked up in a drug-free (including nicotine) environment that is overcrowded, with extreme climate (no air conditioning in the hot and humid Chicago summer), lousy food, grunt work, sleeping in a cell the size of a small bathroom, no privacy, heavily guarded with intense security. These men are miserable. I have asked them in my therapy group: “Raise your hand if you want to be living here for years at a time separated from your family.” There is never a raised hand. But when they connect alcohol, drugs, women, gangs, hustles, and criminal activity together, connected to all of that is prison and everything connected to prison. Did they want to be in prison? Well, they don’t know that they are in prison. When they connect the lifestyle of the street to the lifestyle of prison, it’s a reality check of life-changing proportion.

With everything to gain with a healthy lifestyle of recovery, and everything to lose with the insanity of the criminal lifestyle resulting in incarceration, most (if not all) of the men will battle with ambivalent feelings that are resistant to recovery upon release from prison. They may be successful in their drug-dealing transactions 49 times, then the 50th time they are arrested or killed or maimed by a bullet and their life changes forever, losing time and opportunity they can never get back. But 49 out of 50! That’s a 98 percent success rate! That’s got to be worth the risk, right?

Should they give in to their ambivalence and give way to their old ways of thinking and behaving and wanting, they will get what they want and all that is connected to it as if they wanted the life that is prison. They must internalize the pain of their experience in such a way that they are able to leverage their pain and loss against what they have to gain and win in their freedom to live and love, experiencing peace and joy. Maybe then, can they have a better understanding into awareness of what they really want in their life as they contemplate lifestyle choices and determine to act out a lifestyle of sustained recovery.

The Apostle Paul of the Bible said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Philippians 4:13) Paul is the same guy that said, “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (Romans 7:21-24)

What gives? One minute Paul has learned the secret of being content and the next he’s discovered that he’s miserably discontent. This issue of ‘me’dom describes the human condition that defines our experience. Both are true: our discovery that we are under the control of our self-centered ways of thinking and behaving, and, we can experience freedom from our ongoing and deepening dissatisfaction. Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They asked him, “What do you mean set free? We’ve never been anyone’s slave.” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.” (John 8:32-34) Sin is the Bible’s three-letter word for our selfish intentions and behavior. In other words, the first time we gave into the drug of selfishness we became addicted. The truth is that Jesus Christ wants to lift the weight of our burden since He can and will if we seek Him.

The problem we all experience is that our brain is in perpetual “go” mode, always excited. There is part of our biochemical make up that wants what it wants when it wants it, and never stops wanting more—the insatiable drive for instant gratification. There is another area of the brain trying to apply the brakes (inhibit), trying to tell the “go” part of the brain to stop, to wait, and to slow down. Both parts of the biochemical make up of our brains are essentially working selfishly to maximize gain and minimize loss. It’s through this attempt to establish balance that our values are shaped into some sense of morality—right and wrong, good and evil. Add to this that we are slaves to selfishness, according to Jesus, and we have a need (resulting in inner conflict) greater than what we can do for ourselves to resolve it.

We feed our selfishness one way or another, escalating and intensifying this inner conflict; the battle for resolving our need and satisfying our desire according to the irrational beliefs that seems to justify obsessive thoughts and compulsive and reactive behavior. How we perceive things that happen to us throughout our lives evokes interpretations and thoughts of those events that fuel a belief about them that shape our values and strengthen feelings whether positive or negative. Since so often our interpretation of events is influenced by selfishness and impacted by pain on some level, our belief about the event trends toward being irrational. Our feelings are determined and intensified by our belief and then we react with behavior that so easily brings results in pain for us and others, including to those we love.

Irrational beliefs are triggered and fueled by historical events in your life revolving around your most important relationships. You may have never known your father or mother, or lost a parent to divorce or death during your early childhood years, but that was still a relationship of primary importance. Abandonment, betrayal, alienation and rejection can distort your thoughts and feelings about yourself to the extent that an entire belief system about yourself and your place in the world is realized and acted out through lifestyle choices and behavior. Guilt is distorted into shame, the internalizing of guilt until it somehow defines you. Instead of “I did a bad thing”—guilt; shame says, “I am a bad person”. Instead of “I made a mistake”—guilt; shame screams to you inner mind, “I am a mistake… I am a failure”. These are distorted stinky thoughts that elicit irrational beliefs that fuel immense feelings driving destructive behavior.

What is irrational about these beliefs is that there is one thing that we want that has a thousand points, maybe ten thousand points worth of gains and benefits, but we stand to lose a million points worth of destructive painful consequences. Yet, we will still choose what stands to lose so much more than what could possible be gained. Is that true of you? Do you want prison? Do you want to live there? Do you want to be imprisoned by the painful memories of your past? Do you want to be imprisoned by anger and resentment? Is it worth it you to stay in your prison? How sick is that? Hmm…

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:1-3 (NIV)

Understanding to Overcome Thinking Problems

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

President Barack Obama, in 2008, said the following: “I was so obsessed with me and the reasons I might be dissatisfied that I couldn’t focus on other people… Whenever I take wrong steps a lot of the times I protect myself instead of trying to do God’s work.” I’m not sure whether he realized it or not, but this might be the most profound statement outside of Scripture speaking to the human condition that I think I’ve ever heard. It’s loaded with insight. It speaks of our addiction to self, failed or unmet expectations and its effect on us and our relationships, the adverse consequence of resulting behavior, the fear that drives us into self-preservation mode, and finally, the distraction from fellowship with God necessary to know and do His will.

We all want that feeling of self-satisfaction even though we have never really experienced such a feeling. We tend to settle for instant gratification that comes through pleasure or relief. Instant gratification settles some immediate anxiety while it perpetuates (makes worse) our overall chronic anxiety. What we have experienced, and continue to experience is the feeling or sense of dissatisfaction. We experience dissatisfaction within our physical bodies, our thoughts and feelings, our circumstances, our relationships, and in the world. Such dissatisfaction is derived from unmet and failed expectations.

The scope of these failed expectations can range from the discomfort of a mosquito bite to extreme physical pain; from not getting that bike as a kid to not getting the promotion you felt you were in line for; from being teased by a sibling or friend to physical, emotional and sexual abuse from a parent; from being stuck in traffic to being a victim of a crime; from catching a cold to falling prey to a debilitating disease; from that boy or girl not going out with you as a young person to the experience of divorce and custody battles. You get the idea.

From our history of life experiences comes pain and sorrow, and guilt and shame. There is content in FFMP that delves deep into the differences between guilt and shame. Bottom line on the differences is that guilt represents behavior resulting in mistakes, wrongs, and harm that present the opportunity for learning, repentance, and growth. While shame—the internalizing of harm and wrong to the point that it defines one’s belief system, tends to lead to feelings of failure, sorrow, depression, and fear. Guilt allows a person to move forward while shame can completely paralyze and immobilize its victim.

The problem is that the true picture of guilt and shame has been clouded by a plethora of fictional tales along the way that lead us to believethings about ourselves that are hardly the whole truth. Let’s look at a valuable tool for examining the problem of irrational beliefs called REBT, Rational Emotive Behavioral Theory, by Albert Ellis.

RATIONAL—cognitive mind; thinking

EMOTIVE—emotional system; feeling

BEHAVIORAL—actions driven by thoughts and feelings

• Jesus said to love God with all of your SOUL (spiritually), MIND (cognitively), HEART (behaviorally) and BODY/Strength (physically); and to love your neighbor as yourself.
• This is easier said than done. Why? Because in our own strength, we lack sufficient willpower to adequately loveand take care of ourselves. Thoughts and feelings invade our minds and infect us; polluting and perverting our belief system to the extent that intentions and reactions become irrational, thus become self-destructive and then other-destructive.

A = Activating Event

• Identify examples of occurrences that have led to—activated—intense feelings that impact thinking concerning the past, present and future.
• Examples of events can include physical, verbal and sexual abuse; absence of affection growing up; feeling bullied; scholastic failure; athletic and competitive inferiority; socially traumatic events and situations; family dysfunction; failed relationships; job loss; death with family (spouse, children, parents, siblings, grandparents) and friends; gang interaction and violence; field combat and other military experiences; disease; tragedy/disaster, etc.

B = Belief about A

• Belief is borne out of interpretation of the event(s) activating strong thoughts and feelings. A pattern of occurrences evokes lasting impressions that tend to define how people view the world, relationships, and circumstances in their lives.
• The problem is that the brush of interpretation is a broad brush and alters accurate and more realistic perceptions of facts and truth.
• Irrational beliefs occur when truth is hidden and reality is altered by patterns of events and perceived consistencies associated with history of events.

C = Consequence of A because of B

• Consequences, intended and unintended, are borne out of irrational beliefs.
• Victims of abuse engage in unhealthy dysfunctional troubled relationships, often finding their “peer”, which tends to be a victim of abuse who’s become an abuser.
• Young children bullied and abused by parents likely withdraws and isolates socially with adults and other kids; and/or, bullies and abuses other children while perhaps verbally offending adults.
• Repeated failed expectations, whether they were realistic or not, tend to evoke chronic feelings of disappointment, discouragement and depression; withdrawal, isolation and alienation, and fear; intense anger, resentment and rage; vengeance.
• Additional consequences can include: divorce, chronic unemployment and under employment, underachievement, drop out of school, financial difficulty and bankruptcy, criminal activity and other anti-social behavior.
• Addiction: chemical addiction, food addiction, sexual addiction, approval addiction, relationship addiction and codependency, perfectionism, spending and materialistic addictions, competition and gambling addiction, etc.

Reality versus Fiction—

• Fiction/Lies—Considering life events, list perceptions and strong feelings activated by those events that led to beliefs about self that, looking back, may have been lies about perceptions of self, family and all important relationships; about perceptions of how the world works.
• Reality/Truth—Considering the history of life events, attempt to discern truth about the past and how it can affect current thoughts and feelings concerning past, present, and future relationships and relevant circumstances.

Past—

A = Identify an event of the past that was active in that it affected you deeply

B = Looking back, what do you remember you believed (and perhaps still believe) about A?

C = What ultimately was the consequence of A, the activating event, because ofB, what you believed about A?

• Is it possible that what you believed about A was on some level irrational? Why, or why not?
• What about your beliefs about A might not in fact be accurate?
• How were your beliefs about A impacted by thoughts and memories of past experiences?
• How were the end results of A the consequence of irrational beliefs you may have had about A?

Present—

A = Identify an event that is active in the present that you are dealing with some discomfort over it.

B = What is your initial interpretation or belief about A, the activating event?

C = Consider the potential consequence about A, the activating event, because of what you B, believe, about A.

Same questions in present tense—

• Is it possible that what you believe about A is on some level irrational? Why, or why not?
• What about your beliefs about A might not in fact be accurate?
• How are your beliefs about A impacted by thoughts and memories of past experiences?
• How are the end results of A the consequence of irrational beliefs you may have had about A?

As you do the work of understanding thinking problems, seeing the truth through lies that you tend to believe due to irrational beliefs about activating events throughout your life, you have the opportunity to overcome both real and perceived failures. Failures are unmet expectations whether the expectations are realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy. Either way, failed expectations tend to affect your reality, which can lead to fear of failure.

Healthy or not, fear trends toward immobility. Ever been so scared you could not move? Fear of failure works the same way. While the need to protect yourself seems to serve a logical purpose, when self-preservation is predicated on an irrational belief then the need to protect yourself serves a purpose that is not logical, perhaps not even sensible. Fear of failure can have a paralyzing effect and your life becomes non-productive.    

Overcoming F.E.A.R. (Failed Expectations Affecting Reality)

The more we are pummeled by unmet expectations, the more we develop a deepening sense of failure that results in the experience of fear. Once frozen by fear, we tend to withdraw, feel unworthy, isolate (pull way), alienate (push away), self-preserve and protect, erect barriers and walls, and defer from risk. 

Consequences of F.E.A.R. include: unhealthy relationships, dysfunctional families, addictive behaviors, loneliness, tendencies toward passive-aggressive behavior, affection and intimacy issues, engaging in abusive relationships (victim or villain), self-loathing and self-abusive behavior. 

• Growing up, what would you say were expectations placed on you that were unrealistic?
• Who placed those expectations upon you?
• How effective were you in meeting unrealistic expectations?
• How did unmet expectations impact your life at the time?
• How do those unmet expectations affect you today?
• What are the expectations that you are living up to today?
• Are they realistic? Why, or why not?
• How does not meeting present day expectations impact your life?
• How does your continuing battle with unrealistic expectations affect you?
• What expectations past and present have you put on yourself?
• Of your self-expectations, which are realistic?
• Of your self-expectations, which are unrealistic?
• How have unrealistic self-expectations impacted your life?
• What do you think needs to happen to reverse the trend and impact of unrealistic expectations you have for yourself?
• What would you say are realistic expectations for your life when you quit believing the lies that have led to past failures? List at least five based on sound recovery principles.
• List at least three action steps that will enable/empower you to meet those realistic expectations with God’s help along the way.
• How do you feel having worked through this application challenge?

Please take some time to pray and to ask God for courage, strength, and comfort to pursue His will and purpose for your life according to His gracious expectations.

Stuck in the Heartache of Deferred Hope

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” —William Shakespeare

 

We who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us… This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. Hebrews 6:18-19 (NLT)

Here is a question to get things started:

Hebrews 4:14-16 tells us that Jesus is uniquely qualified as our advocate before the Father since He during His time in the flesh experienced everything common to the human experience—physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Can you think of a events in the Gospels when even Jesus experienced sickness of heart because of deferred hope?

There was the garden experience when Jesus was tempted understandably by human desire to change the plan He was originally a part of from the foundation of creation that required Him to be sacrificed in response to my free will to choose against the will of God. There is the crucifixion that lead to the severing of fellowship with the Father; and there was three days of who knows what that likely included condemnation for my sin and yours.

There may also be deferred hope in the human-like spirit of Jesus today in anticipation of the time of perfection when we will all join in Him in glory. There might even be the deferred hope for eternity while separated from those who rejected Him that may leave a portion of the heart of Jesus forever sick. It is in that vein that perhaps even Jesus, fully God, identifies with yearning for something even He can never have; fellowship with His sons and daughters who have rejected relationship with Him, and have therefore aligned themselves with their sins, the same sins condemned with Jesus in His crucifixion until His resurrection. I think I need to appreciate that more about my Lord.

The event I have in mind, however, is the time when Jesus would bring Lazarus back from paradise where he had realized the dream fulfilled having entered into the life and time of perfection with his Lord. Jesus brought him back and was not happy about it. Sure He was happy for his family and friends but I surmise that the heart of Jesus ached for Lazarus. In fact, the Gospel of John tells us that Jesus was deeply angered and troubled; perhaps because Lazarus would return to suffer in a life wrought with oppression and so much disappointment.

32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.”

40 Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” 41 So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. 42 You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.” 43 Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!”

It is usually taught that Jesus was angry or frustrated at the lack of faith of his closest followers. I struggle with that. Except for the disciples, most had not seen a resurrection. His disciples had seen a young girl (the daughter of Jairus) resurrected that had been dead for a minute but Lazarus had been in a tomb for four days. I have to believe that the Son of God was bigger and deeper and more compassionate than someone who would be angry that believers doubted the possibility of resurrection; having seen their brother and friend suffer into death.

While Jesus could have been human enough to be a little bit unnerved when confronted by Mary, I do not for a moment believe he was deeply angry from his gut with her or anyone else. I don’t think he was mad at anyone. I think he was angry at evil and death and that he had regret about bringing Lazarus back from the life of the dream fulfilled to the sickness of deferred hope—that Lazarus will die yet again. I believe that being deeply angered and troubled comes from his own deferred hope making his own heart sick. It’s in that sense that Jesus brought Lazarus from life back to death—from resurrected new life back to the sin-produced process of imminent physical death.

Their was probably a festive celebration for the return of Lazarus. Jesus likely attended. But only Jesus and Lazarus would experience the heartache of deferred hope now that Lazarus knew what he was missing. Having been present with the Lord, Lazarus would understand better than anyone the fulfillment of the promise of the inheritance. Jesus loved Lazarus so much, I believe it broke his heart to bring Lazarus back into the evil and death of the world. It is the death and hate in the world that stinks so bad. Deeply distressed about it, Jesus wept for his friend. (For a deeper study of this read If I Only Knew Then What I Know Now)

To Be Honest…

I had not until recently even considered going deeper into the matter of hope. Then I attended a workshop in the western suburbs of Chicago by Margaret  Nagib, Psy.D. called From Hoping to Coping. Since then, the matter about what hope is and what hope is not, has revisited my mind on a number of occasions.

I recently had a conversation with the Director of the agency where I work about following my dream. I shared with him an interest of mine and he immediately sensed that I was talking about something bigger than just another opportunity. He said that there isn’t anyone who can tell him not to follow an pursue his dream. Not his wife; not his best friend; not his employer; no one. He encouraged me to follow my dream; my life’s calling.

What is your dream today? What are you hoping for?

Hope defined is “to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true.” Included in its definition is “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; and “to expect with confidence”; meaning “to trust in”.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hopeof salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:1-5 (NLT)

So where does the problem lie? Why doesn’t this promise just solve everything for me? Why do I worry? Why am I anxious? Why so stressed? Why the heartache?

Author’s note: You will see that I write here in the first person. As you read, please read the following in the first person as in an attempt to gauge it might apply to you.

I can do all things in the strength of my relationship with Jesus, and indeed His grace is sufficient for me. So why do I ever doubt in the hope I have living within the confines of this transcendent reality of my life in Christ? Is it just me?

We are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. Philippians 3:20 (NLT)

Stuck in the Mud

The answer to these questions really is quite obvious when I dare to really think about it. It would appear that as long as I live in the human reality of this age, I have been set free from sin by the generous sacrifice of Jesus, bathed in grace, but my feet are still trudging through the mud, and I find myself preoccupied with how to move and get around in the mud. I become stuck until my heart grows sick. Especially when I know in my heart that, at least in theory, I have been set free. My focus of who I am in relationship with Jesus blurs until I do not even recognize that about myself.

“No,” Peter protested, “you will never ever wash my feet!”

Jesus replied, “Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.”

Simon Peter exclaimed, “Then wash my hands and head as well, Lord, not just my feet!”

Jesus replied, “A person who has bathed all over does not need to wash, except for the feet, to be entirely clean. And you disciples are clean, but not all of you.” For Jesus knew who would betray him. That is what he meant when he said, “Not all of you are clean.” John 13:8-11 (NLT)

Peter the disciple wanted for Jesus to wash him from head to toe, not understanding that in relationship with Christ he was in a good place; in good standing in the favor of the Lord God. By the grace of God, Peter was a citizen of heaven. Jesus told Peter that he didn’t need a bath; that only his feet were dirty. So Jesus graciously washed clean Peter’s feet.

Peter’s hope was tied to a man he needed to believe in. Peter, a Jewish man, tried tirelessly as a fisherman to raise his family under the tyranny of a supremacist government that didn’t have much use for him or his kind. Peter came into a relationship with Jesus Christ, and in Jesus was birthed Peter’s dream that would bring an end to reckless injustice and ring in freedom and the blessing of living under the reign of a just loving righteous king.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

Jesus spoke of needing to die so that mankind could live forever but Peter did not understand the good news in those words. Peter understood that Jesus was the Savior for him and his people against Roman oppression but that dream of better days would not be possible if the Savior is dead. It made know sense.

Then Peter witnessed his would-be king get arrested and sentenced to death. Jesus promised resurrection but only Jesus had the power to raise the dead. How could Jesus do that if he himself was dead? Who would resurrect Jesus?

Oh how Peter would struggle with that. Peter would again walk in some mud. Hope deferred made Peter’s heart very sick. The same man who walked on water with Jesus would struggle again in the mud to the point that he denied even knowing Jesus when overcome by the doubt of his experience; losing hope as his dream of freedom under the rule of a loving king died with Jesus.

Peter would be sick for a few more days until his hope was reborn as his dream came back to life. The substance of his hope was fulfilled in the evidence of the resurrection of his loving king. It wouldn’t even matter that Jesus would leave him again since this time the Spirit of the king would come in and live inside the mind and will of the man and all men and women that believe. While this king was not visible to the eye, his presence was manifest in the real-life experiences of believers. At it was then, it is now.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)

Peter would be so certain in his relationship with God in the person of Jesus Christ that he would realize the presence of God to the extent that the experience of miracles was realized through the ministry of Peter; all done under the authority of the Father as powerful as it was through the ministry of his predecessor, Jesus himself. Peter would live the rest of his life in the realization of his dream fulfilled since he functioned as a citizen of heaven; not at all preoccupied with the mud his feet were in. As he died a martyr—himself crucified (upside down), while it was most certainly physical torture, Peter prepared in his spirit to meet the loving king he had served in the power and authority of the Holy Spirit. His dream fulfilled was his tree of new life.

The same Spirit that lived in Peter some two thousand years ago is alive in me, and is alive in you through a relationship with the loving king, Jesus Christ. So why don’t I live each day with the confidence that comes through hope realized in the experience of being in relationship with Jesus as a citizen of heaven? Jesus Christ by His Spirit lives in me. Since Jesus is with me and within me, who can be against me that stands any chance of taking anything from me? Why do I fear? What do I fear? Why the doubt? Why the lack of faith? What’s missing in me that Peter fully understood and experienced years before he died?

When you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. Ephesians 1:13-14 (NLT)

I have experienced the presence of God by way of His Spirit alive within me. I am confident that I am in real relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ. I have the guarantee of the promised inheritance purchased by way of Christ’s sacrifice for my sin.

Are you getting this so far, because I am getting to the point.

Hope Deferred by Resisting Repentance 

The sickness in my heart is tied to my sin. It is forgiven sin but sin nonetheless. My sin nature is by nature dysfunctional in its addictive quality. So while I do confess my sin and God is faithful and just to forgive my sin (1 John 1:9)—meaning that when I confess my sin God has to forgive me since the debt for it was paid over the course of three days and nights in the sacrifice of His Son.

The issue then is not my standing in relationship with Christ. The issue at hand is the conflict within me that leaves me feeling unworthy. Scripture declares that you and I are worthy of the inheritance through the gracious gift of Christ’s sacrifice. However, I am holding on to the shame of my sin and for some reason cannot seem to let it go.

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate… If I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it… 

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Excerpts from Romans 7:14-25 (NLT)

While I do take some comfort that Apostle Paul wrote all that about my ambivalence to doing what is right and best, I am all too willing to settle for instant gratification to remedy my need. It is this conflict that robs me of the experience of the peace and joy that comes from the realized hope of the abundant life that Jesus promised. It is in my ambivalence (internal disagreement between conflicting desires and motivations) that I have conflict and am resistant to going all the way in my recovery from sin addiction. It is in the resistance to repentance that I am disobedient to right best living that is the product of humbly surrendering my will—my intentions, motives, and desires—and my life—my decisions, behavior, and circumstances—to the will and care of the living God.

The Desire Conflict

Break it all down and there is the conflict inherent in human desire, which, until the perfect comes (Philippians 2, 1 Corinthians 13) and I am walking the streets of gold in glory with Jesus, is selfish and driven by self-centered intentions. This is the truth physiologically, psychologically, and spiritually. My cognitive make up is such that I want what I want when I want it. And there are judgment centers of my brain that attempt to suggest that I don’t, that I shouldn’t, that I stop, or at least that I wait. These are neurological inhibitors helping me to use caution. However, they too are motivated by selfish intentions.

Apostle Paul wrote about doing what he did not want to do, and not doing what he did want to do. When it comes right down to it, no one does anything they don’t in some way want to do. I might not want to get up to go to work and will say that “I have to get up and go to work”, but what is really going on is that I want not to experience the consequence of not getting up to go to work, and therefore in the end actually do want to get up….. And so I do just that.

Even Paul got something out of doing what he claims he did not want to do—some kind of perceived benefit—so he wanted something out of the deal. Same thing with the claim of not doing what he wanted to do. There was some degree of perceived benefit to what he did instead. What he did was chase and settle for the instant gratification that was the object of his desire, motivated by selfish intentions contrary to the will of God.

There are contrasting definitions of the word ‘desire’. According to Dr. Nagib there is the subject of desire as the wishing of the heart longing and hoping for something grand and ultimately satisfying; and there is theobject of desire that is at the center of what the mind craves and covets.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. James 1:14-15 (NLT)

Desire in accordance with the will of God leads to the positive outcome of peace and joy in the fulfillment of something met through the resources of the One who has it all to give, meeting and exceeding every expectation as the resources of God are limitless and unending. Desire in accordance with the will of man leads to the negative outcome of instant gratification that at its best is fleeting until the realization of unmet expectation sinks in since the object of such desire proves dissatisfying in time; every time.

Dr. Nagib explained that the object of desire—a lustful covetous appetite—according to the will of man is the demise of mankind in the end. Of course Scripture supports this so powerfully when Paul writes…

I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control. Philippians 3:18-20 (NLT)

Those enemies of the cross of Christ lack the constitution for repentance since their lustful covetous cravings for this life here on earth, full of unmet expectation and unfulfilled appetite, are reliant on their lust for control. Feeding on the illusion that they are in control is what finally results in their demise… or as Paul put it, their destruction.

Surrendering control that I never really had in the first place is liberating since it isn’t given over to the wind to blow away, or into the sea to drown, or into the flames to burn, it rests in the promise of the hope that is the bridge to freedom and happiness under the sovereign authority of the Savior who is in complete control.

When Paul writes that he did what he did not want to do in the seventh chapter of Romans, I believe what he is saying is that he settled for instant gratification under what he felt he could control in the moment, forsaking the longing of his heart; that being the life-giving satisfaction in the far bigger picture of all that is under the control of Jesus Christ.

Why settle? Why did he and why do I stoop to seeking gratification in the earthly objects of carnal desire that leads to demise when I can literally dwell and abide in the experience of relationship with God, living in the realized hope of life with Jesus for an eternity… and then another… and another after that… an eternity of eternity.

That sounds so great, right? So then, why do I forsake or put off great for what is good enough… right now? Is that not the deferred hope that makes my heart sick… settling for just good enough, because hope for the time of perfection to come is not tangible enough for my selfish mind to comprehend?

So what is another word for the earthly objects of desire that prove to obstruct my view of the subject of my spiritual desire, the longing for the eternal plan and purpose of God to be fulfilled in my experience? Are you ready for it?

I don’t want to hear it, see it, or write it either.

The word for the object of my earthly desire is….. idol. That’s exactly what it is… a false god placed in front of God. It’s why Paul did what he didn’t want to do and didn’t do what he wanted to do. Like Paul, that is a real problem for me. You too?

You worship your idols with great passion… You worship them with liquid offerings and grain offerings… You have put pagan symbols on your doorposts and behind your doors. You have left me and climbed into bed with these detestable gods. You have committed yourselves to them. You love to look at their naked bodies… You grew weary in your search, but you never gave up. Desire gave you renewed strength, and you did not grow weary… excerpts from Isaiah 57 (NLT) that speak to the worship of earthly things

“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them.” Jonah 2:8 (NIV)

The power of repentance comes in the putting away of childish things and regaining perspective on what it is all about. It is in this sincere act of repentance that the mercies of God are new every morning. (I wrote “sincere repentance” but insincere repentance is not possible since it is not repentance at all. What is possible, I suppose, is insincere confession.)

The Hope of the Surrendered Life

What things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ. Philippians 3:7-8 (NKJV)

I won’t speak for anyone else, but I so struggle with this. For I know that I trust in things far too much and too often to appreciate what I have and who I am in relationship with Christ. It is my trust in things that I believe defers my hope for that which is eternally satisfying. What it takes, though, is counting all of these things as loss for the excellence—the satisfaction—of what is possible, today—right now—in this life surrendered to God.

Deferred hope in my stuff makes my heart grow sick since the outcome of trusting in myself is lacking and left wanting. I need to keep what God told the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 57 about trusting in the things in this earthly life that I have erected as idols; objects of human desire obstructing my view of the subject of what I long for…

“Let’s see if your idols can save you when you cry to them for help. Why, a puff of wind can knock them down! If you just breathe on them, they fall over! But whoever trusts in Me will inherit the land and possess My holy mountain (the best of God’s stuff).” Isaiah 57:13 (NLT)

When I say things, I am also speaking of relationships and circumstances that when I perceive are outside of the scope of what I believe I can control inevitably bring on anxiety and stress. But, oh, the difficulty of letting it go in obedient surrender in relationship with my Savior; not because it is required to be free of anxiety and stress, but because it is good and best for me to let go and surrender all things. They were never in my control in the first place. But what do I know?

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses (is better than) all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 (NKJV)

So, if hope deferred makes the heart sick, and dreams fulfilled is central to a happy life, and as Paul wrote, the Lord Jesus Christ is involved right now (“the Lord is at hand”), then it is time to be celebrating that. This passage is not a command to stop being anxious (I can’t just turn it off) , it is a call to rejoice! Let me say it again… it is a call to rejoice! If I could actually get that, perhaps I wouldn’t be so reluctant to give up my stuff. If I let it go, it only makes sense that I am releasing with my stuff the anxiety and stress attached to it; opening the door to sustainable peace and joy.

Jesus said that the devil hopes to manipulate me through guile and deception so that I will focus so much on myself that I takes my eyes off the prize, unable to see the forest for the trees. If I am consumed with what I want and then when I don’t get it I get uncomfortable, I will settle for an immediate remedy that is ‘good enough’ and ‘better than it was’.

The Hope of the Satisfied Life

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.John 10:10

The best that Jesus has for me is the abundant life found in the tree of life in relationship with Him. The problem with receiving this blessing is that my hands are so full of my things that I obtained on my own in my strength, I am unable to receive what He is handing me. Worse than that is that I need only to let go and lay down my burden but I am unwilling since I have lost focus. What I am carrying is stacked so high that I don’t even recognize what God wants and has for me. And sadly, if what I am carrying was food, it would be a whole lot of empty calories with no nutritional value. What God has for me and for you is His very best.

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Matthew 6:27 (NLT)

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. Matthew 6:21 (NLT)

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)

The longer I dwell on this topic the more I understand that deferred hope is misdirected desire. The longer I perceive that I am content with my remedy for increasing discomfort, the more of a malcontent I become. The more I focus on my problem of what is missing the more I miss out on what God wants and has for me. He wants to bless me with his best while I continue to settle for blessing myself with what I can come up with, and the more I worry about what I cannot control and have never controlled. The more I struggle with what I cannot control the more I treasure the remedy I desire to address my growing dissatisfaction.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?Romans 7:24 (NLT)

Then I am like the disciple Peter who denied his Lord and Savior, even though he loved Jesus, because he no longer knew Him and could not trust in what he didn’t know and understand. Peter had sunk so deep into the mud of his own pain that he did not appreciate what was happening in the grand scheme of things; something so big it would change the course of history forever.

As I take my eyes off Jesus, stuck in the mud of all my stuff, attending to my discomfort, the less I know Him and the less I trust Him, deferring hope due to my lack of faith.

Jesus said to look higher and bigger and focus on the Kingdom of God in relationship with Him. The Kingdom of God is eternal and glorious. It is the age of resurrection into grace, and it is at hand. That means it is right now. It is immediate. It is to be experienced today; the substance of things hoped for and in its experience the evidence of things unseen (that when the time of perfection comes will be seen). It is knowing with assurance that what I long for will in fact happen. It is realized hope. I can trust it with absolute confidence.

Now when people take an oath, they call on someone greater than themselves to hold them to it. And without any question that oath is binding. God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind. So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest (divine advocate). Hebrews 6:16-20 (NLT)

Jesus said, as a citizen of heaven, to focus on and seek by experience the Kingdom of God and experience all that is right and best while living in it… TODAY! The peace and the joy is in realizing the hope that is real and certain… the sure thing until the time of perfection comes. It is in the experience of living in the very best of this new life experience that it is at work in me beyond what I would dare to imagine or even think in my finite mind to ask.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

Author’s Note: I have to admit I’m a fan of this band, and when I checked on the lyrics of this song, they seem to address pretty well the matter of deferred hope; especially when suggesting that God’s got it pretty rough, so… I hope He doesn’t forget about me. I will also admit that I feel that way at times.