Resentment Recovery… Root Dug Deep That Thorny Weed

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project...

“Resentment is like swallowing poison, then waiting for the other person to die.” *

For the new year, it would be wise to start it fresh with an attitude of compassion and mercy. The 8th and 9th steps address the willingness and action of making amends to those we have harmed. Other words for ‘amends’ are compensation, restitution, reparation, and restoration, to name a few. Most of the time the focus is on apologizing. The bottom line to making amends is to make right with the one I am in conflict with. For relationships to be restored requires each party in the relationship coming together in some way, which would involve compassion and mercy. The one harmed needs to be open to amends as well. Let’s now go in depth into what is involved getting into conflict, what conflict does trending toward resentment, and how to navigate through conflict into resolution and restoration.

A back breaker for me is pulling weeds. The weeds that are most difficult are those thorny sticker weeds that, if left to grow for awhile is not only growing taller but is also digging deeper. The root of this weed is thick and strong and seems to be in cement in the ground when trying to pull it out by hand. I put my gloves on and try to secure my hands around the weed at the point where the stem meets the earth. I take hold of the stem with a tight grip; the thorns go right through my gloves and prick my hands; I yank suddenly on the weed and then… SNAP! Some of the root came out, maybe two or three inches into the soil, but the rest of the root is dug in so deep that I can’t get to it without more garden tools to dig it out. You might say that the roots of this ugly, nasty, thorny weed has taken a foothold into my garden where I am hoping to grow plants that are beautiful and admirable, and full of life and promising potential.

Resentment will do that to you and to me when we allow the roots of our anger to dig deep. When the weeds of resentment have been pulled while the roots are left alive in the depths of my mind, and perhaps even digging into my soul, I might not be aware of my resentment since the weeds are not visible and the thorns not always felt. But then something is said or done and suddenly those roots sprout into full grown nasty thorny weeds choking the life out of everything around them. Resentment is ugly and it hurts.

Keep in mind that holidays afford for families the time to redeem the time lost in the hustle and bustle (whatever ‘bustle’ is) of everyday busy-ness. It’s also opportunity for families to get caught up in the anxiety and stress brought on by resentment inside of family relationships. Those who have held on to their angry and holding grudges will bring that into family gatherings. Unforgiveness in families is a cancer. Deeply rooted resentments will spoil a good time. The tension can be so thick that even if strangers were invited to the gathering they’d suspect that something’s not right and perhaps terribly wrong here.

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT)

This is a sensitive topic for me to write about since resentment is something I struggle with mightily. As I share, please keep in mind the following passage from Scripture that seems to epitomize the nature of jealousy and resentment that destroys the quality of even the best relationships that lose focus on the higher calling of God:

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:1-3 (NLT)

I recently experienced something with someone very close to me that could have and almost killed the relationship. I was sure that I was in the right on the issues. I still feel that way. He, the person I was in conflict with, made it known to a third party—the same third party that I confide in—his feelings about me and my problem with him. Since I was venting to the same person he was, between us we stuck her in the middle. We both triangled her into the conflict to avoid the confrontation that we both believed would be futile to try to win. Now this third party loves us both very much so you can imagine the position it put her in. If am to be entirely honest with disclosure here, I must admit that I was not praying concerning this matter that went on for several weeks and had been brewing a lot longer than that. The root of anger and resentment was running so deep inside of me that it was choking out my prayer life altogether. There is no doubt that for several weeks that I was in denial about how bitter I had become even within my soul over something that was hardly life and death. Yet I allowed it to control me.

Finally, the third party came to me and brought the challenge to me about how this thing—this ugly, nasty weed—was severely wounding her relationship with me. The root of my anger and resentment that had evolved into bitterness was choking the life, not only out of one relationship, but two relationships. No matter how I might justify my position regarding the conflict, no matter how “right” I may have been on the issues, my attitude was down right evil. The spiritual adversary that all three of us share was digging in and establishing a foothold deep inside of each of these relationships involved in the conflict. Since I can only speak for me regarding this problem, I can say that this bitter resentment owned me, it was so powerful in me.

Initially, I did not admit responsibility when the third party challenged me. When she said that being trapped in the middle of this problem was my doing, I fought her on it. “HE forced you to choose between us, not me.” This was not going to end any time soon. I had been challenged to seek God on this intensely contested conflict. Then Jesus spoke to my heart. Ultimately, it came down to this. I was miserable. My “opponent” was miserable, and the person we stuck in the middle was miserable.

Speaking into my mind, the Spirit of God communicated this truth: “You have been prepared with the tools for reconciliation and restoration in these relationship.” This is not a curse being that it feels as though I am always the one apologizing. This is a blessing. To have the tools to live out ABC recovery means that A, I ADMIT that I am not in control and powerless to resolve this in my own strength and my feelings of bitter resentment are beyond my ability to experience any real relief; B, I BELIEVE that God is in authority and desiring to empowering me to experience recovery in this matter if I will give surrender to Him what I don’t have control over anyway; and C, I COMMIT to letting it go and turning over to God my will and my life to do with it as He pleases, particularly in this matter.

As I prayed this ABC prayer of recovery from a humble place, God did it. He replaced my resentment, bitter as it was, with His peace for this circumstance and these relationships. Within less than 24 hours, He opened the door to reconcile with both important relationships. There were tears and hugs. It was special. I went from seething in my resentment to experiencing the peace of God that transcends understanding. 

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:5-7 (NIV)

It required surrender from me. I said the words, “I’m sorry” yet again. I relented and conciliated. It felt good to do it. As far as the things that are a problem for me, not much has changed. I can choose to stay angry, even furious, seething with rage on the inside. But by God’s grace I am able to extend grace. It’s actually quite awesome.

You might be reading this and thinking that I am in denial because you don’t think you can do that. You might think that I will continue to be disappointed in these relationships, and that perhaps I will wind up demonstrating dysfunctional passive-aggressive behavior. You might think that I am beyond vulnerable in this position; that I am gullible to believe that I can maintain this ideal of blessing in the midst of ongoing dispute over what is right and fair. Maybe you’re right in this assertion. I just typed this paragraph feeling this doubt even now about sustaining this humble place of grace in my relationships. It is only possible in the Lord’s strength.

²¹ Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” ²² “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! 

²³ “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. ²⁴ In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. ²⁵ He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. ²⁶ “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ ²⁷ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. 

²⁸ “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. ³⁰ But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.  

 ³¹ “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. ³² Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ ³⁴ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 

 ³⁵ “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” Matthew 18:21-35 (NLT)

Uh oh, I had to go there. I don’t particularly like this passage but I appreciate it, respect it, and believe in it. We reap what we sow. If I sow resentment and bitterness, I will reap resentment and bitterness; which is the same thing as unforgiveness. If I sow forgiveness, mercy, grace, and love, I will reap these qualities in my life and will experience blessing from the generosity of my Lord and Savior. What He did at the cross for me I can never repay. What I can offer Him is to love my adversary, even when he or she is someone close to me who I care deeply about. As God offered His Son for me; as Jesus laid down everything He was as God to extend grace to me through His human sacrifice, I then must extend mercy and grace in surrender to Him as a matter of obedience in my recovery. This is worship—period.

“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly.” Matthew 5:23-25 (NLT) 

Scripture instructs me not even to approach the altar of God as long as I am holding onto resentment, unwilling to forgive as He forgave. Scripture instructs me to leave my offering behind until I reconcile. Jesus offered the same instruction as Paul did to settle differences quickly. Why? Because it is my selfish sin nature to hold onto my anger and repress it until the root of my anger grows deep into resentment and bitterness. Another means to getting to this dark place is through jealousy and selfish ambition.

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. James 3:16 (NLT)

Out of a heart of jealousy, the brother of the forgiven prodigal son refused to forgive. He no longer even held his brother responsible for his negative behavior, he held his gracious father responsible for being generous to the other son that he loved, who was lost and dead, and now was found. This jealous brother would not attend the celebration for his brother having returned home. Jesus concluded the story talking about the older son.

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house, and he asked one of the servants what was going on. ‘Your brother is back,’ he was told, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf. We are celebrating because of his safe return.’ The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, but he replied, ‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’ His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’” Luke 15:25-32 (NLT)

You would think that the older brother would be touched and perhaps overcome by the loving generosity of his father. Instead his focus was on his brother; the brother he had grown to despise. The older brother’s jealousy and resentment was off the charts. He wanted his brother to pay back to his father everything he had squandered on women and parties. Little brother needed to pay. Big brother would have nothing to do with his brother or father and would not join in the celebration. Instead he seethed with resentment toward both his younger brother and his father at the expense of the quality of those beloved relationships. There are more stories about resentment and revenge if you care to look them up (Cane and Abel, Amnon and Absolem—brothers killing brothers).   

Paul wrote that when anger becomes resentment it invites into the mess the presence of an oppressive evil spirit. James wrote about jealousy and selfish ambition resulting in disorder (chaos) and evil of every kind. And Jesus told the story of one brother hating another brother because of jealousy and resentment. Men and women that love God will be wrecked by selfish jealousy and resentment; a condition that is inherently evil. Like Paul, I will admit that the merciless resentment in my heart was painful to me like a thorn in my flesh. After I pull those thorny weeds, I will often feel prickly darts of pain in the areas where I was poked by thorns. I might be removing a thorn or two days after pulling those weeds. The pain from the thorn in my flesh seems to get under my skin and can be sharp and profound and quite distracting to anything else I am hoping to accomplish.

“I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (NLT)

The empowering work of God in me is the difference between staying miserable in an uncompromising stalemate between me and people I love, and experiencing freedom by the grace of God to extend mercy regardless of fault or responsibility in the midst of the argument. To the world and in the flesh, this is unreasonable and not altogether sensible. But in relationship with Jesus Christ, my Authority as Savior, King, and Lord, in comparison to His sacrifice for me from a heart of love and generosity, not only is this reasonable and sensible, it is cathartic and liberating. I am compelled to extend mercy and blessing as I surrender my rebellious thoughts captive under the standard of God’s grace and love.

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NLT)

In the story above from Matthew 18 about the king and his servants, we find that the king forgave the debt of the servant who owed him millions of dollars. What is odd about that story is that the king would allow a servant to go that deep into debt. Servants would never get their hands on that kind of money. What that story is telling us is the premium price of the sacrifice of God’s only Son as He died blameless for you and for me. What would millions of dollars more than two thousand years ago be worth today? Billions, maybe trillions of dollars? For me to not in turn forgive as an extension of the mercy He has shown me would appear unforgivable. As the story was told by Jesus, the servant who was owed a pittance compared to his own debt to the king, would not forgive the man his debt. The king then ordered for the unforgiving servant to repay the entire debt.

The lesson is obvious, isn’t it? To hold onto jealousy and resentment—to stay angry at the expense of quality of relationship comes at a severe cost. If forgiving me cost Christ everything, what does it cost me to not forgive again and again and again and again and again and again and again and… at least seventy more times that. 

Resentment is such a burden. Let it go to the One that came to take the burden from you.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2 (NIV)

It is all for my benefit. What I choose to do does not change who God is. He does not become more or less as God because of what I do or don’t do. It changes who I am. As I am obedient to forgive indefinitely, I am blessed indefinitely by the boundless grace of the One who radically changed my heart by the renewing of my mind. After what Jesus sacrificed for me through His death, and as He was resurrected and is alive to extend grace to me daily, it is my responsibility and privilege to respond by living sacrificially in honor of this amazing gift. It is in this obedient sacrifice that the weeds of resentment are dug up from under the root and purged from my being. This is the miracle of mercy. This is love shining in its radiance. 

For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 (NIV) 

Pop Goes the Weasel… Managing Conflict, Anger, & Resentment

by Steven Gledhill for NLX 101.com and FREEdom from MEdom Project

Anger, and one’s reaction to it, is treacherous and can gradually sneak up on us or come on all of a sudden. Anger is like blowing up a balloon. The balloon is the constitution within me that holds and releases anger through how I choose to express my anger. The hot air in the balloon is the internal collection of experiences that throughout the course of my life have accumulated into a deep pool of angry emotion flooding my soul. The pin that pokes at my anger balloon are the external experiences of everyday. As the balloon becomes more and more full of hot air it will take less and less applied pressure from the pin pricks to break through the skin of this balloon and cause it to explode.

We all get angry. When we get angry our blood pressure goes up. Our heart rate increases. The rise of blood pressure and heart rate can be substantial. There is a significant surge of adrenalin. There are things happening throughout the body and chemistry of the brain that, if unresolved, can result in unhealthy consequences. Anger increases our level of stress. It is important and necessary that we do something with our anger. The question is, how do we manage our anger in a way that is good for us, as well as for those we interact with while we’re angry?

Anger and, in particular rage, tend to “require” an aggressive response in order to relieve the stress caused by anger. According to Science, there is actually a hormone called cortisol that is released when we respond to anger and rage. It seems as though the more aggressive the response, the more cortisol is released, and the more quickly and easily we seem to come down from the chemical spikes in the brain. Whenever, what scientists call, homeostasis (biochemical and overall physiological balance) is disturbed significantly by stress, we can experience substantial difficulty to our health. Coronary functions can be damaged and weakened. That is how stress and anxiety lead to heart disease. Anger and rage produce stress, and when prolonged, take us down a road of physical and emotional health problems.

Add to this the problem of our selfish sin nature that has severely infected the GO and STOP systems of our brain. Anger and rage fuel the GO system and produce an aggressive response of the STOP system when faced with a threat. This can be a lethal combination when the GO system and STOP system are producing an aggressive response to external and internal stimuli at the same time. The external stimulus can be anything from something threatening you physically to someone saying something to you verbally that affects you emotionally, causing your brain to protect you from the perceived threat. The internal stimuli can range from wanting to be loved and appreciated and everything under your control going your way, to the desire and perceived “need” to conquer, win and be right. The selfish sin nature controls that part of our brain that wants so badly to win and feel good.

So, we can conclude that it is imperative that we have outlets for anger or we’ll burst. The problem is that our brain is set up to automatically react to anger and rage according to our selfish sin nature. We tend to use aggressive vocal inflections, or in other words, raise our voice and yell at someone as an expression of anger. We tend to use verbally aggressive language to express our anger. We might hit something or someone as an expression of anger. Parents may spank and hit their children, or send them to a “time out”, not because it is a reinforcing tool for discipline, but as an expression of anger. Siblings will hit each other. Athletic combatants will utilize aggressive physical contact to express anger, deemed necessary for a competitive edge to resolve adrenalin spikes. It isn’t just vocal volume and physical acts of aggression that attempt to experience relief from anger, but also the content of what is said. We’ll use just the right words to exact our revenge. Of course, there can be far severe expressions of anger and rage that result in more severe consequences. Not only consequences that can land a person in prison or result in someone beaten or killed, but result in terminated relationships—personal and professional.

Resentment

When we get stuck in anger, unable to adequately express it or fully resolve it, we tend to develop feelings of resentment. Resentment is prolonged unresolved anger. It is the holding on to full blown balloons. It is usually directed toward other people. It can just as well be directed toward yourself, which is especially dangerous since at some point someone else is going to pay for it in some way when the balloon explodes all over him or her.

Resentment is a powerful emotion trapped in the biochemical cycles of the brain that can have a serious impact whenever and wherever it is triggered. It is not the point of this lesson to provide a blueprint laying out all of the ways resentment is pervasive in the hearts and minds of even the godliest people. The point is to take you on an exploration of discovery on how unresolved anger is affecting you and the relationships that are important to you. Resentment tends to build and fester in the hidden secret places of your mind and memory.

Here is the thing about the balloon analogy. When the balloon continues to expand as the anger escalates until it can hardly contain another breath of air, it will not take much for the balloon to explode. When explosion occurs, everything contained in the balloon explodes all over everyone in the area of the balloon, which can lead to costly, if not tragic, terrifying outcomes… consequences that can cause long-lasting, perhaps even permanent damage. However, when air is released from the balloon through the use of recovery tools and coping skills to effectively manage anger and conflict, the balloon doesn’t get so full. If there isn’t so much internal pressure, it will take far greater external pressure to cause the balloon to explode. And even should the pin (external pressure) break through the skin of the balloon, when it does pop, there isn’t as much inside to evoke a whole lot of damage.

The following are a series of questions that will help you to explore those places in the mind and soul that represent the air (internal pressure) in your balloon. When answering the following questions it is  beneficial to site examples with your responses:

-How effectively would you say you manage your anger? Explain what typically happens when you become angry.

-How effectively would you say you manage disappointment? Explain how you manage disappointment.

-What are situations from the past when you felt most angry?

• Event
• People involved

-Do you find that you feel resentment toward those who hurt you in the past? Explain what you’re feeling.

-What in your current circumstances and relationships do you feel anger towards? List them.

• What?
• Who?

-How are you able to express your anger in your relationships?

-How are you not able to express your anger in your relationships?

-Are you feeling a bit angry now? Explain.

-Are you wrestling with resentment now? Explain.

-To whom in your present relationships do you feel resentment towards? List them.

-On a scale of 1-100, how intense is the resentment toward each person on the list?

-Do you feel resentment toward those who have caused you feelings of shame in your life? Explain.

-Do you feel resentment toward those who left you feeling wounded? Explain.

-Honestly, what would you say is your penchant for revenge?

-What would you say are your tools for vengence that you are inclined to use when the situation calls for it?

-Do you ever find yourself writing the script in your mind for how arguments, confrontations, and acts of vengeful behavior will be played out? Explain and perhaps provide an example..

-Do you imagine worst-case scenarios? Explain.

The lesson this week is a little different as you are being asked a number of questions that speak to this issue of anger and resentment. Often times we go to God in anger toward others praying from the motivation generated by anger and resentment. We will often pray the way that David the Psalmist did when he pleaded for God to vanquish his enemies. He prayed that way because guys like King Saul of the Old Testament sought to kill David and everybody knew it but did not have the authority to stop him.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:1-3 (NLT)

It behooves us as weak, vulnerable, self-protective, and able and willing to strike back people, to develop an ACTION PLAN to manage anger and resentment.

Develop an Action Plan

1-Identify a current problem or conflict resulting in anger

• Describe a problem that is present in your life that results in your being angry
• How has the problem led to feelings of anger?
• What does the anger feel like?

2-Recall events and circumstances in play when the problem/conflict started

• When did the problem begin?
• What relationships are involved with this problem?
• What were the events and circumstances leading up to the problem?
• What are the current circumstances as the result of the problem?

3-Examine how you are affected by the problem/conflict

• How are you affected physically and psychologically by the problem?
• How are the circumstances of your life affected by the problem?

4-Examine who else is affected by the problem/conflict

• What relationships are most affected by the problem?
• How would you say those relationships are affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Be specific)
• What other relationships are affected by the problem?
• How are those relationships affected by the problem?

5-Examine the first thing you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

6-Examine other things you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What else were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What else did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

7-Look back to other times when you had a similar problem/conflict

• When in your life did you experience a similar problem?
• How was the problem similar?
• What relationships were involved while experiencing the similar problem?
• What were the events and circumstances regarding the problem at that time?

8-Examine what you recall doing to attempt to solve the problem/conflict

• What did you do to attempt to solve the similar problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem similar to what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?
• How was what you did to attempt that problem different from what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?

9-Examine how you and others were affected by that previous similar problem

• How were you affected physically and psychologically by that similar problem?
• How were you affected by what you did to attempt to solve that problem?
• How would you say those relationships were affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Again, be specific)

10-Consider how confident are you that you can solve your current problem/conflict without a working action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on your own your way without an effectively working action plan?

11-Develop an action plan with a minimum of three very specific steps

• Using as many steps as it will take, begin outlining action steps that you believe are necessary to solve your current problem resulting in you being angry. Be thinking about how you will work the Admit, Believe, Commit strategy into your action steps.
• Be specific! “I will to pray more”, or “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse”, or “I will drink less/quit drinking”, or “I will quit smoking”, or “I will show more respect to my spouse”, or “I will stop this or that” are not sufficient on their own.
• Be specific of what you will do, how you will do it, and when you will do it for each step.

12-Prognosis for resolution of the problem/conflict without your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

13-Prognosis for successful resolution of the problem/conflict with your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

14-Consider what it all looks like when your problem/conflict is solved having implemented your plan God’s way

• How will working your action steps impact your physical and psychological health?
• How will working your action steps improve your spiritual health?
• How will the affected relationships in your life be better?
• How will your circumstances be better?
• How can you apply the fundamental elements of your action plan to other problems and circumstances?
• How can you apply the ABC strategy from your action plan into an overall approach to daily recovery?
• How would you describe the opportunity for a better future living out your action plan for recovery God’s way?

15-Examine your confidence level that you will solve your problem/conflict working through your action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on God’s way through your action plan empowered by the One able, willing, and wanting to help you?
• Since fear and doubt are your human nature, take the time now to pray for an increase in faith so that you can grow in confidence.
• Regardless of your confidence level, begin to implement your action plan immediately.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NLT)

If you engage and invest with full participation in your action plan, it is entirely possible for you to manage anger and resentment effectively. Take the time right now to pray and ask God for the grace and confidence to carry out your Action Plan to fully achieve your objectives.

Faithful and Just to Forgive (Made Complete in Love to Love)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

Take your time… This read is a unique Bible Study on the essence and virtue of forgiveness both coming in and going out. My hope is that the examination of some truth concerning the matter of forgiveness and the cost of grace will make it nearly impossible for you to ever again suppress the motivation to let go and forgive… One less burden to carry.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (NKJV)

Have you fully considered the profound reality contained in the promise that when you confess your sins that God is faithful and (that’s right) just to forgive you entirely and cleanse you of all unrighteousness?

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. Psalm 103:10-13 (NLT)

What an incredible promise, but… what does it all mean for you, and what does it actually require of you, or from you?

Also, did you catch the qualifier in the promise? It’s in there twice. The promise applies to those who fear Him; like a child reveres his father—loyal, submitted under his authority and direction, honoring him, holding him in highest esteem. Children of whom’s fathers are loving, gracious, generous providers, and protective; worship their dad’s; want to be like their fathers, or marry someone just like dad.

First, let’s examine more closely what the promise of forgiveness means for us.

As a child of God, having been reborn in the Spirit of God through relationship with Jesus, I have been renewed into newness of life… a new creation… with new thoughts and attitudes… my new nature being like Christ’s… viewed as holy and pure by Holy God.

Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him,  throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy. Ephesians 4:21-24 (NLT)

How did this come about?

Made Weak

Well, it cost God His very own son. It cost Jesus his divine privilege, having embraced the full nature within a human existence, with all of its inherent flaws.  It cost Jesus his life by way of crucifixion. And most severe, it cost Jesus his human soul, having experienced the full weight of the consequence for sin; the full wrath of God against the evil hostility contained within the sin of all mankind.

For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:3-4 (NKJV)

“Weak through the flesh” means that no one can have relationship with God by way of the law since the law of God is the moral standard that no man, woman or child can live up to. If adhering to the moral standard, according to the law, the old covenant, was the avenue to heaven and relationship with God, no human person would ever see heaven since relationship with God would be impossible. But as long as sin abounded in the flesh of human beings, there needed to be a way to kill it. To be separated from sin meant that sin would be condemned to hell, put away for eternity.

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Again, a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.” And He came and found them asleep again, for their eyes were heavy.

So He left them, went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. Matthew 26:39-44 (NKJV)

Jesus understood the gravity of his circumstance. He understood that “the cup” was the cup of God’s wrath against His enemies. This is huge! It should not be minimized or marginalized. It was more than death on a cross while fully human in the flesh. It was three days in the heart of the earth to experience in his soul of flesh the full wrath of a just God. Within the soul of the Son’s flesh, by way of your sin and mine, was hostility against His Father. He was positionally the same as the prodigal son, who in his reckless hedonistic sinful existence was dead to his father (“My son was dead…”  Luke 15:24). Remember that the father of the prodigal son is not the one who left, forsaking his son; it was the son who left; forsaking his father. This was the relationship between God the Father and God the Son for those three days that Jesus suffered the torture of the cup of wrath in the belly of the earth. It must have been an eternity for them.

It was the price for newness of life for all who receive this gift. When considering that this reconciliation into relationship with God cost Him everything(!), it really goes without saying that salvation cannot be earned lest any man would dare to boast (considering what it cost).

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)

It is in this context of what mercy for sin cost both God the Father and God the Son that we examine what it really means that He is faithful and just to forgive when we confess our sin.

I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain. Galatians 2:21  (NKJV)

Does it mean that God is faithful to you and me that He forgives us and purifies us from all unrighteousness? Or does it mean that God the Father is faithful to Himself and perhaps His Son, that the sacrifice for sin would not be in vain… wasted… shrugged off as insignificant? The justice of God concerning our confession is that because He loves us so much, and desperately craves relationship with us that He sacrificed His Son for us, He owes it, not to us, but to Himself to fulfill the purpose of it all by declaring us innocent; holy for that matter.

So, what happened when it all happened?

Made Right

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. Romans 5:6-11 (NLT)

Again, when considering what it cost God (the condemnation for sin through the experience of His Son in the heart of the earth), how absurd would it be to contemplate for even a moment that somehow someone could be good enough to be called righteous?

The free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many. And the gift is not like that which came through the one who sinned. For the judgment which came from one offense resulted in condemnation, but the free gift which came from many offenses resulted in justification. For if by the one man’s offense death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ. Romans 5:15-17 (NKJV)

Even more inane than some notion that salvation can be earned is salvation by way of God’s mercy being taken for granted. Meaning what? Meaning, why sweat sin and selfish indulgence since God is faithful and just to forgive each and every time I confess my sin, as though I merely have a sin problem? I am hooked and cannot help myself. Good thing I have my ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ grace card should I give in to the sudden urge for gratification by way of a selfish action that is sinful.

For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so also by one Man’s obedience many will be made righteous. Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? CERTAINLY NOT! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Romans 5:19-21, 6:1-2 (NKJV)

Made New, Whole, Complete

The Apostle Paul is clearly informing us that as we have been involved by way of baptism into Christ’s death and resurrected with Him into new life, we no longer live subject to the power of the sin nature, no longer a slave to sin but set free.

He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!  For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them.
2 Corinthians 5:15, 17, 19 (NLT)

The old life is gone; the new life has begun! I want to believe that but then, oops, I did it again! I sinned again. Disgusting! Why do I continue to be lured by temptation, at times craving what comes with temptation, if the old life is gone, and I have been transformed into this new creation? Or as Paul wrote, why do I keep doing what I really do not want to be doing? He said that it is no longer I doing it, but something else still within me that is doing it.

If I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:20 (NLT)

My friend, Pastor Fran Leeman, has said that the new person, the new creation, is no longer the one sinning. He can’t sin! It is the old sin nature hanging around that sins. If I am in relationship with Christ, however, even though it appears as though the old nature is cunning and baffling—powerful, it no longer owns me or defines me.

Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. Romans 6:1-8 (NLT)

If I am in relationship with Jesus, having been baptized into his death, buried with him, and then been resurrected—reborn—into newness of life with him, then as He was declared innocent of the sin of all people for all of time, I am declared innocent of all of my sin from this point going back in time, as well as for whatever sins my old nature will commit from today forward. The truth about justification is that it is just if I’d never sinned… EVER!

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority. Colossians 2:6-10 (NLT)

Buried with Him in baptism… you also were raised with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead. Colossians 2:12 (NKJV)

You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross. Colossians 2:13-15 (NLT)

Believe it or not, this is indeed a Bible study on forgiveness… being forgiven as well as forgiving. Once it is understood where the power and peace comes from to forgive even the unforgivable, the non-repentant brothers and sisters you come across, you will recognize that mercy is something that emanates from being complete in Christ, who has made you into a finished product, having been filled through your union with Him.

“The glory of God is man fully alive.” —Saint Irenaeus

You and I were broken in our sin until our Messiah came on the scene to pick up the broken pieces, condemn to hell that which was breaking us, and then fill this restored vessel with Himself. To be filled is to be made whole, filled with the pure goodness that is all of the righteousness of God; meaning all that is good; all that is virtuous; all that is the very best of everything God is. It is the essence of grace. It is the fullness of all that is alive.

Resentment is one’s commitment to malice, hostility and unforgiveness.  The glory of God is not something to be suppressed by animus. It should be obvious at this point that an unforgiving, merciless heart grieves the Spirit of God.

Transformed with a New Mind

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him… 
or as I believe it should say, “… as we came to believe in Him.”

As you read the following passage from Paul’s letter to the church in Rome, is there any doubt what inspired the third of the twelve steps?

God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable. Just as you who were at one time disobedient to God have now received mercy as a result of their disobedience… receive mercy as a result of God’s mercy to you. For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all. Romans 11:29-32 (NIV)

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world (aeon in the original Greek, meaning ‘age’), but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2 (NIV)

Central to living this new life experience in relationship with Christ is experiencing transformation. Paul reminds us that what God has done through the ransom for sin for all who were disobedient, are included in the resurrection and transformed into newness of life with a renewed mindset and new attitude.

There is what I do and there is what God does.

What I do is I offer my life (body, mind and soul) sacrificially as an expression of my gratitude in a spirit of worship to the life-giver. I live as though set apart and anew in clear contrast to the patterns of this age that is mortal, finite, and its end is in sight. What God does is He changes me; restoring me into something He intended from the beginning. I suggest that we are restored since we were created with humanity being something beautiful and wonderful.

It’s like that antique piece of furniture in the junk heap or automobile in the junk yard that was no longer useful and considered obsolete; left for dead. Then someone elects to care for it, applying favor and ingenuity to repair and refinish it with just the right parts and ingredients until it is once again fully functional and better than ever in every way. What was once considered junk and dead is found and alive and esteemed as precious and priceless. The antique could not repair itself. It needed to be and was repaired, transformed into something amazing; renewed into something of highest value.

I cannot change the internal parts of me that are dying and must be brought back to life. I cannot change the defects in my thinking as long as they are intrinsically flawed in me. All I do is what is suggested that keeps me positionally accessible to the work of my Creator.

The word ‘be’ in “Be transformed” is a passive verb. It is what God does to me within me. It is the same as when Jesus says to be perfect and righteous as He and the Father is perfect and righteous. It is not something we do, it is what we are made into in relationship with God.

Now it’s time to examine more closely what the promise of forgiveness requires of us.

Made to Love

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20 (NKJV)

How is it evident that I am truly in relationship with God through Jesus Christ?

Well, if I commit sin since having been forgiven under the cover of grace, conducting myself as though I have a license to sin… not all that conflicted about it… there lacks sufficient evidence that I know Jesus and that Jesus knows me. If I defy relationship with God “committed” to living in disobedience by way of the flesh, though He loves me, Christ would not be living in me.

Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. Romans 6:16 (NLT)

Having been made into newness of life since Christ is living in me, what does that look like? What do I look like?

Jesus and the apostles throughout the New Testament mandate that the clearest evidence that one is a follower of Jesus Christ is love. Disciples of Jesus are motivated by the love of God coursing through them, expressed to one another through loving kindness and mercy.

Jesus said, “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” John 13:34-35 (NLT)

There, of course, is a myriad of Scripture in the New Testament on the topic of love and loving one another. Love is the foundation for new life in Christ.

When Jesus was approached about what it truly means to be a disciple, he stated the need to love God with your heart, mind, soul and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself. He identified one’s neighbor as, not merely those you love and gravitate toward, but those who may be unattractive, even offensive to you; offensive being that you might offended by the person or by the situation and circumstance they represent that you are not comfortable with.

Jesus spoke of love as sacrificial, willing to surrender your way of life to serve God through love to one another. He let wealthy people know that loving Jesus means being willing to surrender your wealth and your time to help those in need. Just like the question, “Who’s my neighbor?” comes the question, “Who’s wealthy?” I will leave it up to you to search your heart with God to respond honestly to those questions.

Extend the Blessing

We have been blessed with the gift of new life through salvation, having experienced resurrection with Jesus through redemption into right relationship with God. God loves us so much that He made himself fully human to experience the full impact of the burden for sin. He extended a blessing to us that we can never fully comprehend.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to others in need, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.

This is the twelfth of the twelve steps except that I modified it to include “others in need” for the purpose of emphasizing this point. I am called, in light of the spiritual reality of new life from the inside out, to carry the message of hope through newness of life to all who are receptive. I do not (because I cannot) contain the blessing, meaning that as I experience the fullness of God living in me I am unable to keep it to myself. The force from within is like a mighty river from within that will force its way out. It hasn’t left me. It continually flows though me and overflowing from me.

Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38 (NIV)

Made for Mercy

“Vengeance may be right but it’s not yours. It doesn’t belong to you.” —Darwin Williams, Chicago, IL

A couple of years back, I was in a circumstance when I was wronged in a big, big way. I was hurt by it, disgusted by it, and when the person who wronged I saw doing wrong, I wanted desperately to get even. It would have been justifiable. I get stirred up inside just thinking about it again, since “the wronging” persists doing wrong in that area of my life. But the anger in me is selfish, corrupt, and infected by my old sin nature. God’s anger is righteous and He is just. I need only to trust Him, and in trusting Him, let go of the resentment that churns and burns from within.

Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19 (NLT)

David had been anointed to be the next king and King Saul was having none of it. He wasn’t ready to go anywhere for some time and he wasn’t going to let David hone in on what was his. So Saul and his army went looking for David and his little band of brothers, seeking to kill David and put an end to the momentum David was building to become the next king sooner than later.

David was a smart young warrior of valor, but on one occasion you might say he got lucky. He and his men were sleeping deep into a cave. Saul’s men were too sleeping he recessed into the cave and also lied down for the night. Fearful, angry, and seemingly with just cause, David was poised to put an end to the chase by killing Saul quietly in his sleep and then slipping out with his men. Instead, contrary to the urging of his advisers, David cut off a piece of Saul’s robe swaddled next to him and then showed Saul from a distance away that he had it.

In the daylight of the morning, David called out to his adversary:

“For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave. Some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you… This proves that I am not trying to harm you and that I have not sinned against you, even though you have been hunting for me to kill me… May the Lord judge between us. Perhaps the Lord will punish you for what you are trying to do to me, but I will never harm you.”
1 Samuel 24:10-12 (NLT)

To burn with anger and resentment is to entertain for gratification the selfish sin nature. For the new creation full of grace, resentment and the spirit of unforgiveness is in no way a reflection, extension, or expression of the love of God that is the fruit-bearing evidence of the new life in relationship with Him. It is love that bears witness to new life in God. Compassion and mercy is the evidence of the love that reflects Christ.

Testimony Time

I apologize in advance for the ambiguity in this testimony but the details are not important. With what I will disclose, you can fill in the gaps from your own personal experience and relate it to your own issues when it comes to anger and resentment.

I will admit to you that I definitely struggle with resentment and remembering. A couple of years back this really came to a head in meaningful relationships of mine. Things were done and things were said over time that resulted in substantial harm to me. It wasn’t that the relationships were in themselves toxic but there were obvious toxins in the goings on in the relationships in need of a remedy. They could not continue as they were.

The resentment burned and grew like cancer infecting my mood and attitude and spilled out onto valued loved ones in my life, and it was not at all fair to them. It was likely affecting my work as a counselor, especially since it conflicted with the integrity of my recovery and my ability to educate, listen to, and counsel my clients in need of recovery. I doubt I effectively modeled recovery during that time.

One Sunday morning at a worship service, the pastor spoke from Matthew chapter 18 concerning forgiveness:

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” Matthew 18:21-35 (NIV)

My Challenge 

God began challenging my spirit, though I didn’t know it yet. I had come to the place where my resentment sank so deep into my being that it was feeling like hatred toward people I cared very much about; individuals I love. It was sickening to me how bad it was. I was feeling deep conviction, guilt for that matter, and was feeling pushed from within to do something. But I didn’t know what to do.

Something I understood was that Jesus mandated, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)

I confessed to God my feelings after service and began to pray in my mind. I sometimes pray my ABC of recovery and did so here walking to my car from church.

I A, admitted to God that the situation was way beyond my ability to control it or change (fix) it and that on my own, I was unable really to do much of anything about it. I admitted to God that even my feelings by now were out of control and that I couldn’t turn them off.

I told God that I B, believed in what He could do since all things in the end were under His control. He has given us each free will but God knows what makes each of us tick and what it will take for each of us to move from where we are in the circumstance, as well as in the relationship with one another.

I told God that C, I committed to turning my will and my life over to His plan for me and for those in this conflict with me. I told God that I will seek not my will in it, and that I will comply with His will and what He tells me to do.

God did tell me. He told me what I needed to do for reconciliation in these relationships. I did not hear an audible voice; never have. I heard the Spirit of God communicate something clear as a bell. Words came to my thoughts. I understood what He wanted me to do and I did not like it.

Anybody want to guess what God told me to do?

Are you ready for it?

He told me to apologize… to tell them I am sorry.

How could I apologize to them when they should be apologizing to me?! They owe me that!

What was I sorry about? How can I say that I’m sorry when I am not sorry?

Then the Spirit of God flooded my heart and mind with conviction about what I was sorry about. He revealed to me that my resentment and unforgiving spirit was sin against God and brought substantial harm to them (and to me) and that it was not justifiable on any level. He told my thoughts that I was entirely responsible for all that I contributed to the mess and ugliness. He informed my mind that my resistance to repentance for my sin was on me, not them.

When I am under conviction about my merciless heart, I wrestle this question: If God is faithful to Himself considering the price He paid to reconcile with me, how can I not be faithful to Him considering the price He paid to reconcile with my brothers and sisters?

While I can never repay my Savior for what He sacrificed for me, I must certainly sacrifice by way of forgiveness for those who have hurt me. I OWE HIM THAT!

That is what is required me; to be faithful and just (meaning right) to forgive.

I might not feel merciful. But that is no excuse. Extending mercy to my brothers and sisters is primarily an act of obedience to my Lord. It is necessary for my relationship with Him to be made right, before it is about them and those relationships to be made right.

At that point, I committed to turning it over to God. I surrendered intellectually, even though my heart was heavy with the weight of the burden. Then came something awesome. The Spirit of God gave me serene peace about the situation and the strength to give up the fight and to let go of the pain I had experienced for several months. It was gone! I had forgiven them, sincerely from my heart. It had no bearing on me whether these people I had felt wronged by were repentant or not. That would be between them and God.

So, I did it that very day; a cold Sunday in January. In separate opportunities, I went to each of them individually as soon as I could. I told them I was sorry… without any qualifiers. The response was incredible. Not simply the response to my words, which was pretty cool; but there was a sustained response to the problem, even though my repentant words to them made no mention of the problem I had (with them). Neither of them said to me, “I’m sorry too.” By then, I didn’t need that. It was clear they each had a problem with me. My attitude toward them had been ugly and ungodly. I was truly sorry for that. God had showered me with all of the mercy and the grace I needed.

The issues surrounding the immense conflict resolved themselves in a number of ways. The problems were no longer problems; not just because I perceived the problem differently, or was merely given enough ‘grace’ to cope, becoming more tolerant and accepting. Things changed! Really! Attitudes were different and better. Altogether, we shared in an authentic grace experience. It was a marvelous thing. To this day, I doubt they know much how miraculous this expression of God’s grace was.

I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (NLT)

What I tend to battle against when it comes to faith isn’t what I believe God can do. I believe in that from my deepest intellectual sensibilities. I combat emotionally in my spirit doubt about God will do. There lies the spiritual conflict for me.

But God is good all of the time!

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. 2 Corinthians 10:3-4 (NLT)

The Spirit of mercy that He imparted to me put my soul at rest. God’s love healed me.

This cycle now continues for me. It is now a way of life. I will get unreasonably angry and resentful still. But now I have an escape. I have to find the book on the shelf that gains me access to the mysterious passage into God’s healing grace. The Word of God is my path to Him. My ABC recovery from resentment and ill-willed feelings is an ongoing movement within me. My emotional well-being is manageable in God’s hands.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

The Call

If you have read all of this and you are here, then you are likely mindfully drawn into a circumstance and relationship(s) that is troubling you.

I can do nothing on my own. I judge as God tells me. Therefore, my judgment is just, because I carry out the will of the one who sent me, not my own will. John 5:30 (NLT)

Do what Jesus did.

A) Admit to yourself and to God that you are powerless on your own to the change that is needed.

B) Believe in what God can do in the matter, starting with what God can do in you, even if you doubt emotionally in what God will do.

C) Commit to trusting in what you believe God can do and surrender your life, which includes your circumstances and relationships, into His care His way.

Confess to God your sin. Pray for a spirit of repentance to receive forgiveness. Pray for peace. Pray for the healing of your heart. Pray for an attitude of surrender to let it go. Pray for a spirit of mercy to forgive as an expression of worship to the one who has paid the price to forgive you.

Now, let go and give God all that burdens you. Then wait for God to communicate to your mind and heart what is next for you to do, or not to do. Let God go to work and do what only He can do. Be washed clean in the righteousness of your Savior, Jesus Christ. Soak yourself in His love.

See if God’s grace is sufficient for you.

“When you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.” Matthew 6:6 (NLT), The Words of Jesus

The Harsh Reality

Please know that there is the flipside to forgiveness, that is unforgiving and merciless. Unforgiving grudges, unrelenting resentment and bitterness, and preoccupations with vengeance fueling some persistent pursuit to get even, do not reflect the love, nor even the life of God from within.

I will leave you with the following Scripture from the disciple Jesus loved.

¹⁴ If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead. ¹⁵ Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.

¹⁶ We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person?

¹⁸ Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ¹⁹ Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. ²⁰ Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.

²¹ Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. 1 John 3:14-21 (NLT)

Power of the Least Interested Party… When Love Isn’t Fair

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

Ever wonder why it seems someone usually has the upper hand in a relationship? Between spouses? Between friends? Between teacher and student, employer and employee? Between parents and their children? Who has the upper hand in a relationship with God?

Before there is a debate about who has the power in the relationship (You know, the false humility discussion when he says, “You’re the one in control, babe” and she says, “Come on, really, it’s totally you, dear”) let’s ask and answer the question. Who has the power… the control? Who typically concedes their position in a heated discussion or conflict? Who usually apologizes first? Who concedes the remote control when both are watching television? This is the one conceding the power and control to the one with the power and control. Who usually gets their way when push comes to shove? The one with the power and control.

It still might not be an open and shut case. It might seem that the power in the relationship gets handed over, depending on the time, the place, and the issue at hand. So let’s get into it.

First of all, love really isn’t fair, is it? But that is the thing about sincere love. Sincere love does not seek to have the advantage. Sincere love doesn’t have to be right. It doesn’t keep score. Sincere love declares that, “I love you and you will know it because my love for you is an action that does not require an equal reaction.”

Unfortunately, in most if not all relationships, “I love you because of how I feel loving you.” Really what that means is, “I love me and I love you for what you do for me.” Therefore, my love for you is conditional on the satisfaction I experience in the relationship. When you do not meet my actions and expressions of love with equal or greater actions and expressions of love, I am disappointed. Maybe I am angry and/or hurt. Perhaps I feel betrayed and/or rejected.

Please allow me to say it again: I love me and I love you for what you do for me. I love from a sense of entitlement; deserving of reciprocation and gratification. Love is naturally corrupted by selfishness. So I need the love of God coursing through my being in order to sincerely love someone. Then I can be genuinely compassionate. Then my extension of mercy and grace to another is authentic. So long as I am selfish and not holding every thought captive unto obedience to God in my relationship with Christ, I will continue to want and pursue my own way, which will naturally promote power struggles angling for leverage in my relationships; not excluding my relationship with God.

The Power of the Least Interested Party principle suggests that the person in the relationship who is even a little bit less interested or invested has the leverage (at least the majority of the leverage) in the relationship. The theory suggests that both parties are interested and both even highly invested, but that the one just a little bit less invested ultimately has the power and the leverage in the relationship; and there is the sense that someone tends to be in control, is usually considered to be right since the one most interested tends to give in, accommodate, placate, and so on, to the one in charge of things.

Think about it like this: A noticeably effective employee may in actuality have leverage against their employer because it is clear that, “You need me more than I need you.” The talented star employee can take their services anywhere and be effective. The problem with “marrying up” to someone who is soooooo good lookin’ or who possesses the lion’s share of the resources and wealth is that they tend to know it and understand it and use it to their advantage even though it would still break their heart to lose you. However, the context of the relationship is such that the principle of the power of the least interested party is at work as long as it is allowed to be. It typically is not done consciously or with malicious intent, rather it’s something that just is, like the law of gravity just is. You don’t see it or really think about it but you live subject to it, unable to defy it.

The person that tends to have the leverage in the relationship is typically identified as stronger and more assertive, and then the most interested party will trend toward yielding control and be identified as the weaker partner and passive. Not wanting to rock the boat and spoil the peace, in order to avoid the escalation of anxiety and tension in the relationship, the more emotionally invested party will passively take it, and take it, and take it some more, until what… until he or she cannot take it anymore and then… kaboom! What was passive behavior becomes, not just assertive reactive behavior, but it becomes aggressive. It is as though it becomes not unlike a competition of sorts as though the aggressive behavior is compensating for all of the passivity preceding it. The term for it is passive-aggressive, which you have likely heard of.

This pattern of passive-aggressive behavior in relationship is unhealthy and proves to be most dysfunctional. Passive-aggressive behavior is played out by both partners and if unchanged is a relationship killer. The relationship takes on a life of its own whether it is healthy or quite sick. The passive-aggressive relationship needs help in order to heal. Counseling can be good and it needs to be redirected toward and centered on Christ and godly principles to get right again.

I suppose one exception of the Power of the Least Interested Party principle might be a parent’s love for the child. The love a parent has for her child is usually unconditional and sacrificial. We love our children no matter what. But what happens as our children grow older, think more critically and independently, develop a mind of their own, and not necessarily sharing every value of the parent? Who becomes the least interested party in the relationship? Well, the growing up child is less interested, recognizing that he or she has seized emotional leverage from the parent, and wittingly uses this leverage to the utmost advantage. I suppose kids can be cruel that way, though usually not mature enough to comprehend it as cruel.

(Of course, there are exceptions. There are self-absorbed parents that are neglectful, abusive, and many who do not seem to be aware that their children even exist and have lives with individual needs and dreams. This is especially cruel and, dare I say, evil. Alcoholic and drug-addicted parents that have yielded control over to their drink and drug of choice wouldn’t say that they have emotional leverage over their children. In those cases the addiction has the leverage and needs to be eradicated before these families can begin to recover from severe dysfunction.)

An example of a grown-up child asserting a sense of power in relationship with his parent is the story of the prodigal son’s relationship with his father in Luke chapter 15, and it is the story of Father God’s love for you and me. Yet, in both of these relationships, while the love of the Father is unconditional, the relationship is absolutely conditional. Conditional on what? While the prodigal son and a sinner like me have both been afforded the option of leaving the relationship to do our own thing our own way, the loving Father exercises His option to let me go. While authentic healthy love is unconditional and forgiving, authentic healthy relationship, while forgiving and much to my chagrin, is conditional.

Should my children leave the security of my care into a willfully destructive lifestyle, I can enable them by continually rescuing them, or I can allow them to fall, even crash land, if you will, hoping they will be motivated to change. That is really tough and difficult since they might die or suffer irreparable harm. But like the father of the prodigal son, my Heavenly Father allows me to leave. He allows me to fall, even crash land onto something hard. He even allowed His begotten Son to leave. Jesus left heaven and suffered and died. Not because He rebelled against His Father—after all, He is God. But because I rebelled against the Father. It can be said that as he suffered on the cross, and for three days anguished in condemnation for my selfish disobedient recklessness, his Father let him go. And should I choose to reject being in relationship with my Heavenly Father, He will let me go; not at all out of spite or because He doesn’t love me, but because He respects my ability to choose according to my will.

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” All that are in hell, choose it.”
—C.S. Lewis

While this theory about leverage and control in relationships is in fact alive and kicking, it is not love as God intended it for us.

If I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:2-7, 13 (NLT)

We are given this precept from the Word of God about authentic sincere love. “It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out.” Love is interested in truth. What is truth? Truth is that right is right and good is good. When the father of the returning prodigal son showed him compassion and generosity from a heart of love it was right and good. When Joseph showed his brothers (who had committed him to years of slavery out of hearts bitter with jealousy) mercy and providence from a heart of love it was right and good. When this love is at work in relationship there is nothing to fear. This love is an invitation. It is embracing and engaging. It is compassionate and compelling. It is genuinely affectionate and attractive.

God in his infinite power, bounty, wisdom, and authority should be the least interested party in relationship with me but love isn’t fair. He has it all and I have nothing, despite my lies to myself to the contrary. God owns it all. He is the creator of it all. He gives it all life and purpose, yet…

Are you ready for it?

I have the power in the relationship. Though I am an invisible speck in the universe, I have the power – the leverage – in this relationship between God and me. I am the least interested party in this relationship. God has invested everything including His Son. How is it possible that I am less interested when I on my own have nothing and He has everything? Even Jesus recognized this truth.

Jesus said emphatically,
“I can do nothing on my own. I judge as God tells me. Therefore, my judgment is just, because I carry out the will of the one who sent me, not my own will.” John 5:30 (NLT)   

Substitute the word ‘love’ for the words ‘judge’ and ‘judgment’ and you really get a sense for the heart of God and of Christ in His love for us, as well as His purpose for us. It would go like this: “I can do nothing on my own. I love as God tells me. Therefore, my love is just, because I carry out the will of the one who sent me, not my own will.” Wow! What if I could love like that?

So why is it that I can be the least interested party in this relationship that is a matter of life and death? It is my life at stake, yet I care less in the relationship than He does. It is less important to me. It must be. God has put everything into the relationship; all of Himself. He gave His life for me. Why am I so unwilling to invest all of me into the relationship? Why? Perhaps because I am like Thomas and the disciples of Jesus before their eyes were fully open about what they were witnessing in the resurrected Savior. I do not fully believe since I have not fully seen with eyes half shut the full and complete truth about God, who is Jesus, and His relationship with me. If I saw and understood God fully it would change everything. I wouldn’t be able to do anything but fall to my knees in worship to the King of kings and Lord of lords. (Measured Faith (Belief Enough) speaks to this problem; this condition)

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (NLT)

From my perspective on life and the world, God’s love for me certainly isn’t fair, to Him that is. And yet, He declares profoundly that it is faithful and just to reconcile Himself back into relationship with me. My love for Him is selfish. I am so entitled in my flesh. My love for Him is conditional, if I am really honest about it. I have committed adultery against God time and time again. I worship idols in my world daily… hourly, serving my own interests. God’s love for me is pure. His love for me is unconditional. His love for me is sacrificial. God’s love for me is precious to Him and treasured by Him every second of every day. His Word says that He is jealous for me in hot pursuit of me, standing at the door of every room of my heart and pounding on it. I cannot not even begin to comprehend that from God’s perspective His love for me, and for you, is fair and just since His love for me and for you is the love of God coursing through His being. As the song says, “Amazing love, how can it be?”

What do I do with that? What do you do with it? Accept it and rejoice. Today is the day the Lord has made. Rejoice and be glad in it.

“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don’t need to notice myself… so often.” —Timothy Keller, The Reason for God

All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. 1 John 4:15-19 (NLT)

So how do I apply this truth in my recovery when it comes to relationships, especially in my marriage and family?

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
Ephesians 5:1-5 (NLT)

Remember, the problem of selfish love goes like this: “I love me and I love you for what you can do for me.” God has assessed the problem and determined that the solution goes something like this:

In view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will… Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Romans 12:1-3 (NLT)

Easier said than done, right? If I understand the problem, and, I have the solution to solve the problem, why haven’t I solved it? What’s the problem?

It is within the nature to be selfishly ambitious and jealous, the central issues in the principle of the power of the least interested party. In seemingly healthy functional relationships it may be below the surface: that the one with the leverage is primarily ambitious, and the one continually struggling to seize the control is primarily jealous of the other. Both are selfish. The relationship can drift into serious dysfunction before the problem is realized.

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. James 3:16 (NLT)

Here comes the “I guess we have to go there” moment. The solution in any relationship, whether it be in marriage, with children, with friends and relatives, and even professional relationships, is submission. There is no getting around it. However, it is not submission to each other in these relationships, it is submission unto God in relationship with Jesus Christ. My attitude in relationship with each another will reflect my posture of submission in my relationship with God.

Ephesians 5:15 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. 16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. 18 Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, 19 singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. 20 And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Ephesians 5:15-32, 6:1-4 (NLT)

“Confrontation without love is hostility.” —Tony Evans

These are the principles of The Power of the Submitted Parties in Relationship. The true power in relationship is most fully realized in the attitude of submission. Imagine how much more children would get from their parents if they submitted to them in obedience. Imagine how much more obedience parents would get from their children if they submitted their undivided attention to their children and made the effort early on to teach these principles modeled in their marriage. Imagine the possibilities.

We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God.
1 John 3:16-19 (NLT)

The power, control, leverage… whatever you want to call it… is in the hands of the least interested person in any relationship. It is a fact. It’s a law. It is natural as long as we our selfish living in our capacity to sin. Attempting to defy this law is most definitely a climb. However, this climb will never see the peak… unless… unless you are willing to surrender control as well as surrender your right to control, especially if you ain’t got it. Let it go through the principle of submission as unto the Lord in your relationship with Him. While you may not be able to defy gravity, you can surrender your right to control gravity by taking the stairs, or the elevator, or a helium balloon, or a rocket. Utilize the tools God has given you to experience freedom in relationships. Get this: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT!

Be free in your relationships. Celebrate them. Be about recovery in relationships. In this case, it is recovery from entitlement and control and the obsession with being right. Even if this principle of submission in relationship as unto the Lord is rarely if ever reciprocated, you will experience a release into freedom. It’s pretty cool. Try it. If you’re not satisfied, return it, and go back to your way of continually angling for leverage.

If you’re reading this and you are aware that you tend to have the leverage in your relationships, please take a long hard look at how that affects others and the struggles you might have with those in relationship with you because you’ve grown tired of their insecurities, and apparent lack of self-confidence. What can you you do to, through submission as unto the Lord, build them up?

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Ephesians 4:2

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but favors the humble.” James 4:6

Focus on your relationship with Christ and surrender all control and leverage unto Him. He yearns desperately for you to give in to Him completely and trust Him.

Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”? James 4:5 (NKJV)

It is in Christ that you are beautiful. It is in Christ that you are intelligent. It is in Christ that you are wise. It is in Christ that you are strong. It is in Christ that you prosper.

It is in Christ that you experience joy. It is in Christ that you have peace. It is in Christ that you are free.

Submit all unto Him and rejoice in your freedom!

Freedom Fighters (Setting Families Free)

by Steven Gledhill for the FREEdom from MEdom Project 

What does your family look like? Does it look more like the model supplied by our TV Cosby family, cohesive and loving, accepting of one another’s flaws, able to effectively communicate with one another? Or does your family tend to resemble our TV family of severe codependent dysfunction, the Simpsons?

What is so interesting about The Simpsons, a 30-minute show that can be so funny, is that if it were a real life family, it would be miserable and so tragically sad. It has your irresponsible, undisciplined alcoholic husband and father; your codependent emotionally neglected and abused wife and mother; the overachieving ‘carry the weight of the whole family’s inadequacies’ daughter and sister; the irreverent ‘desperate for father’s love’ underachieving problem son and and brother; and last but not least, the most emotionally mature and stable one of the bunch who’s not even old enough to walk. Actually, this TV family does resemble real-life families everywhere.

Somewhere between these two family’s is the Everybody Loves Raymond family that incorporates the dysfunctional codependent relationships with the matter of spouses’ parents and in-laws. The hilarity and tragedy ensues.

But everybody’s smiling for the cameras.

These families have existed since the first families came to be. In the Old Testament are stories of several families that routinely gave in to their ‘me’dom urges, which led to severely dysfunctional behavior breaking down health of these famous families. There was jealousy in Adam and Eve’s family that led to Cain murdering his brother Abel. There was Abraham and Sarah so anxious to have the son promised by God that they concocted a scheme to hasten God’s promise. Abraham committed adultery with Hagar and out came Ishmael. Isaac would be born to Sarah and today this family is still at war with millions of lives at stake. 

When Jacob took more than one wife (Leah and Rachel), jealousy abounded among his sons when it became clear that Rachel’s son, Joseph, was the favorite (Rachel was the wife Jacob loved). Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery and told their dad he’d been killed. Later in the Old Testament, King David yielded to his ‘me’dom urge and committed adultery with Bathsheba. To cover up her pregnancy, David conspired to murder Bathsheba’s husband and then he married her. “Me’dom would persist in David’s family leading to more incest, rape, betrayal and murder. And so it goes. 

‘Me’dom behavior is the malignant undoing of families. Sometimes we read these Bible stories and don’t really put the thought into realizing how devastating the consequences of jealousy and selfish ambition were to those families. Keep in mind that the order of the family was established by God. Jealousy and selfish ambition are evil and are vehicles for disorder in the infrastructure of the family. What is behind a spouse’s wandering eye that can so easily lead to undisciplined choices and problemmatic attention outside the covenant of marriage? What’s behind sibling rivalry? Why so many problems with parents and in-laws? Jealousy and selfish ambition is why. 

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. James 3:16 (NLT) 

The teachings of Scripture plainly unveil the truth of invasive infectious self-centered thinking and behavior hastening the procurement of ‘me’dom values as the destructive dysfunction of families. When the infection becomes a cancer it can ruin and destroy families. When the cancer enters into its latest stages husbands and wives who are mothers and fathers experience the death of the cells within their marriage until the marriage dies tearing apart relationships through the tragedy of divorce.

Even the best of families throughout history have been ripped apart because of resentment and jealousy from self-absorbed parents who don’t see the pain being endured by their children through the clouds of their self-centered agendas. It’s happened from the first family, historically speaking, until now. The question is, what are you going to do about it? What needs to change in your family beginning with you?

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your (‘me’dom) desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3 (NIV) 

Some very famous people and families in Scripture struggled with this in their family systems. It is painfully clear that as they willfully participated in self-centered ‘me’dom behavior borne out of their obsession with their dissatisfaction, those families self destructed. There seemed to be no limit to the lengths they would go to try in vain to achieve contentment. Your family may not resort to incest and murder like King David’d family did to somehow achieve some semblance of satisfaction; you probably haven’t sold anyone lately into slavery like Jacob’s family did; but do you use sarcasm to reduce someone else in order to hopefully feel better? Do you lie to protect yourselves? Do you gossip and triangulate to feel better? 

Triangulation occurs when you are in conflict with someone but feel anxious about confronting the person. So, to relieve the anxiety it becomes “necessary” to bring in a third party. Once you have pulled in a third party, that person tends to share in your feelings about the person the two of you are talking about. Then, based on your story about the person you’re in conflict with, the third party now has a problem with that person as well. Then, when the person you are in conflict with meets the third party, the person you’re in conflict with is now in conflict with the third party. And then you all triangulate with other folks who each have their own ‘me’dom agenda until you have a mess—disorder.

Triangulation is a key ingredient in family conflict and codependency. Family members are withdrawn, distant, and cold. No one is taking unless alliances have formed in these triangles and back-biting and back-stabbing conversations occur in secret. Holidays and family gatherings are full of tension with extended family members walking on egg shells. Perhaps you’re walking on egg shells in your home now. Who’s talking to whom? Who’s on whose side? Ultimately, interactive triangles in the family system reap destruction to the system. Call it “Death by triangulation”. 

Codependency occurs when family members who are emotionally dependent in their own ‘me’dom issues, also become enmeshed in the ‘me’dom issues of other family members. The result is intense anxiety, stress and fear. In order to alleviate your own anxiety, you will fight in futility for control in the lifestyle concerns of others. 

Another word for codependency is co-addiction. I am addicted to me and you are addicted to you. But, I am also addicted to you and you are addicted to me in the system of the family. So, whatever your dependency issues are, because I am addicted to you, I am co-addicted, or codependent, on your dependency stuff. It sounds convoluted, but think about it for a bit and it makes sense. 

When we identify our dependency issues as resentment, unforgiveness, anger, shame, alcoholism, drug addiction, perfectionism, approval’ism’, and so on, then bring in the element of codependency and triangulation, it is not all that difficult for families to be closer to our Biblical examples of dysfunctional families than we’d like to admit. Our families will trend toward quarreling and fighting against each other motivated by jealousy and selfish ambition. We will become stuck coveting out of our dissatisfaction within our family system, killing each other with our words. 

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:14-16 (NIV) 

Husbands pray for their wives, and wives for their husbands, motivated by ‘me’dom intentions. Brothers and sisters will pray for each other and for their parents motivated by ‘me’dom desires. And the motives of parents are always pure when they pray for their kids, right? When parents pray sermons at the dinner table for their children to be obedient, and to not talk back, and to make better decisions choosing their friends, it’s always from a purely motivated heart for their well being; or is it? Can we be honest enough to consider that we might be praying for each other according to what we want for each other? Most times, what we want for each other is healthy and right, but there are definitely times when we ask God from impure motives, motivated by fear and anxiety, skewed by anger, adjusted for personal gain, fortified in defense of our own selfish interests. 

What would happen if we triangulated God into all of our relationships—our marriage, our family, our friendships, our acquaintances, and even our professional relationships? This is the core ingredient to freedom from ‘me’dom in our families and all of our relationship interaction. Jesus said that we are to love God with all that we are, and love our neighbors as ourselves. How is this possible, especially when in darker times we don’t necessarily feel love for our spouse, our siblings, our parents, and sometimes even our children? How is it possible to love God with our entire being when we don’t necessarily feel love for God? We are confused and off course when we measure love by our emotions. Love is a matter of the will measured by what we do for God and one another. It is in relationship with Jesus that we are empowered to love and serve our neighbors as ourselves. 

C.S. Lewis writes the following from Mere Christianity:

“The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less… But whenever we do good to another self, just because it is a self, made (like us) by God, and desiring its own happiness as we desire ours, we shall have learned to love it a little more, at least, to dislike it less… Some writers use the word charity to describe not only Christian love between human beings, but also God’s love for man and man’s love for God. About the second of these two, people are often worried. They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act is if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, ‘If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?’ When you find the answer, go and do it.”

When we commit to living in the will and care of God, we become a disciple of God, following his example and adhering to his teachings. Jesus says, then, that we are friends of his (John 15:12-15). Jesus treasures his friendships. Then, as we desire in relationships what God desires in relationships, we can interact with others with the sincere and fearless love for our family and friends that Jesus has for his family and friends. 

The Apostle Paul describes that kind of love like this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) 

Finally, Paul says that real love never fails (1 Corinthians 4:8). John writes that love from a pure heart, motivated by godliness, drives out fear (1 John 4:18). Is there reservation in your family—your marriage? Are you afraid to go places emotionally with your spouse, your children, or your parents because there is reservation in the recesses of your heart afraid of what they will think or how they’ll react? 

When it comes to family, God created it, put in order, then when we messed it up, He sent His son to save it without reservation. Jesus loves my family so much more than I ever could. God loves without reservation with nothing to fear. Jesus did something for my wife and my kids I have never done. He died for them. He wants for them things I haven’t even thought of. Over the years, God carried my family through some difficult times, including cancer. He is loving and powerful and is in complete authority over all things. 

Our families have been infected with the ‘me’dom disease. Our families are flawed by ‘me’dom intentions and damaged by ‘me’dom behavior. Instead of fighting each other we would do well to be freedom fighters through submission as entire families to the sensible Biblical strategy for recovery. God’s way of recovery for our families is to let go of our selfish attitudes and ambition and trust God to work his will into our intentions and behavior. 

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13, NIV 

The purpose of God is for us to admit that our plans do not work and to believe that God’s plan for our family is exactly what works and then commit to trusting in God’s plan. Stop and imagine for a moment how this would change the way your family does its business. Just as Jesus asked the paralytic if he wanted to get better (John 5), he is asking you and me, do you want your family to get better—to be made well? Jesus came for the sick, the Bible says. Most families are sick and in need of a remedy.

God is a healing God. He desires nothing but good things for your family. When things happen that bring disappointment, and at times, extreme pain, God did not do that to you. Life happens, and sometimes the consequences of an evil world have horrific effects on us. It becomes absolutely necessary then that we do what we know to do through recovery to minimize the damage and maximize the opportunity to be blessed by God. Instead of fighting one another in our families we can be fighting for each others’ freedom by submitting to the will and plan of God with love for each other. Where does this plan start? FORGIVENESS. Obvious, when you think about it, isn’t it?