Problem Solving & Conflict Resolution

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from Medom Project

When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. The Apostle Paul, James 2:1

Please respond to the following questions:

• How do you manage anxiety and stress? What do you do, specifically?
• How do you manage disappointment and pain? Again, what do you do, specifically?
• What have you done to confront problems in your life? What do you tend to do?
• Provide an example of how you have given into negativity while ignoring positives in circumstances and relationships and how that affected you.
• Provide an example of how you have predicted scenarios—imagined the worst—about how something will turn out prior to addressing the situation and how that affected you.
• Provide an example of how you have drawn wrong conclusions about a particular situation and how that affected you.

The truth is that so much of what you imagine to be true, from wounded memories of past experiences, isn’t necessarily realized in your present circumstance, yet you can experience tumultuous stress worrying about it. Also true, is that you have confronted problems ill equipped to solve them, and the worst that you imagined concluded to be spot on or even worse than what you had imagined. As it happens that you fail miserably in your attempts to solve problems, the likelihood increases that the fear of failure and rejection results in shying away from problem-solving and the problem gets worse while you stew over it and resist trying to solve it. Problem solving can be extremely daunting and difficult so you need a plan of action to attempt to solve problems.

Prayer is the first step in effective conflict resolution and productive problem solving. Having discovered and learned tools for empowered recovery, it is time to develop an applicable recovery action plan to arrive at real solutions to real-life problems.

Develop an Action Plan

1-Identify a current problem or conflict

• Describe a problem that is present in your life that results in your unhappiness
• How has the problem led to feelings of unhappiness?
• What does the unhappiness feel like?

2-Recall events and circumstances in play when the problem/conflict started

• When did the problem begin?
• What relationships are involved with this problem?
• What were the events and circumstances leading up to the problem?
• What are the current circumstances as the result of the problem?

3-Examine how you are affected by the problem/conflict

• How are you affected physically and psychologically by the problem?
• How are the circumstances of your life affected by the problem?

4-Examine who else is affected by the problem/conflict

• What relationships are most affected by the problem?
• How would you say those relationships are affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Be specific)
• What other relationships are affected by the problem?
• How are those relationships affected by the problem?

5-Examine the first thing you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

6-Examine other things you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What else were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What else did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

7-Look back to other times when you had a similar problem/conflict

• When in your life did you experience a similar problem?
• How was the problem similar?
• What relationships were involved while experiencing the similar problem?
• What were the events and circumstances regarding the problem at that time?

8-Examine what you recall doing to attempt to solve the problem/conflict

• What did you do to attempt to solve the similar problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem similar to what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem different from what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?

9-Examine how you and others were affected by that previous similar problem

• How were you affected physically and psychologically by that similar problem?
• How were you affected by what you did to attempt to solve that problem?
• How would you say those relationships were affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Again, be specific)

10-Confidence that you can solve your current problem without a working plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on your own your way without an effectively working action plan?

11-Develop an action plan with a minimum of three very specific steps

• Using as many steps as it will take, begin outlining action steps that you believe are necessary to solve your current problem. Be thinking about how you will work the Admit, Believe, Commit strategy into your action steps.
• Be specific! “I will to pray more”, or “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse”, or “I will drink less/quit drinking”, or “I will quit smoking”, or “I will show more respect to my spouse”, or “I will stop this or that” are not sufficient on their own.
• Be specific of what you will do, how you will do it, and when you will do it for each step: Instead of “I will pray everyday”, the action step might be: “I will spend at least 10 minutes each morning praying while I am driving to work and be sure to pray for help with my problem.” Instead of “I will quit using (fill in the blank)”, the action step should include daily prayer and attendance at some kind of an accountability support group. Instead of “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse” the action step should involve scheduling times to talk, putting the book or magazine down and turning off the television, along with the implementation of LUV techniques.

12-Prognosis for resolution of the problem/conflict without your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

13-Prognosis for successful resolution of the problem/conflict with your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

14-Consider the outcome when your problem having implemented your new plan 

• How will working your action steps impact your physical and psychological health?
• How will working your action steps improve your spiritual health?
• How will the affected relationships in your life be better?
• How will your circumstances be better?
• How can you apply the fundamental elements of your action plan to other problems and circumstances?
• How can you apply the ABC strategy from your action plan into an overall approach to daily recovery?
• How would you describe the opportunity for a better future living out your action plan for recovery God’s way?

15-Confidence level that you will solve your problem working your action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on God’s way through your action plan empowered by the One able, willing, and wanting to help you?
• Since fear and doubt are your human nature, take the time now to pray for an increase in faith so that you can grow in confidence.
• Regardless of your confidence level, begin to implement your action plan immediately.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NLT)

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. James 1:2-5a (NLT)

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

You have worked hard developing your action plan to solve your problem. Now be encouraged to address another problem, following each of the 15 steps to develop an action plan for solving it. Each time you find yourself stuck in a problem in the future, develop an action plan to solve it utilizing the ABC strategy for your recovery in every area of your life and see what God will do.

Pop Goes the Weasel… Managing Conflict, Anger, & Resentment

by Steven Gledhill for NLX 101.com and FREEdom from MEdom Project

Anger, and one’s reaction to it, is treacherous and can gradually sneak up on us or come on all of a sudden. Anger is like blowing up a balloon. The balloon is the constitution within me that holds and releases anger through how I choose to express my anger. The hot air in the balloon is the internal collection of experiences that throughout the course of my life have accumulated into a deep pool of angry emotion flooding my soul. The pin that pokes at my anger balloon are the external experiences of everyday. As the balloon becomes more and more full of hot air it will take less and less applied pressure from the pin pricks to break through the skin of this balloon and cause it to explode.

We all get angry. When we get angry our blood pressure goes up. Our heart rate increases. The rise of blood pressure and heart rate can be substantial. There is a significant surge of adrenalin. There are things happening throughout the body and chemistry of the brain that, if unresolved, can result in unhealthy consequences. Anger increases our level of stress. It is important and necessary that we do something with our anger. The question is, how do we manage our anger in a way that is good for us, as well as for those we interact with while we’re angry?

Anger and, in particular rage, tend to “require” an aggressive response in order to relieve the stress caused by anger. According to Science, there is actually a hormone called cortisol that is released when we respond to anger and rage. It seems as though the more aggressive the response, the more cortisol is released, and the more quickly and easily we seem to come down from the chemical spikes in the brain. Whenever, what scientists call, homeostasis (biochemical and overall physiological balance) is disturbed significantly by stress, we can experience substantial difficulty to our health. Coronary functions can be damaged and weakened. That is how stress and anxiety lead to heart disease. Anger and rage produce stress, and when prolonged, take us down a road of physical and emotional health problems.

Add to this the problem of our selfish sin nature that has severely infected the GO and STOP systems of our brain. Anger and rage fuel the GO system and produce an aggressive response of the STOP system when faced with a threat. This can be a lethal combination when the GO system and STOP system are producing an aggressive response to external and internal stimuli at the same time. The external stimulus can be anything from something threatening you physically to someone saying something to you verbally that affects you emotionally, causing your brain to protect you from the perceived threat. The internal stimuli can range from wanting to be loved and appreciated and everything under your control going your way, to the desire and perceived “need” to conquer, win and be right. The selfish sin nature controls that part of our brain that wants so badly to win and feel good.

So, we can conclude that it is imperative that we have outlets for anger or we’ll burst. The problem is that our brain is set up to automatically react to anger and rage according to our selfish sin nature. We tend to use aggressive vocal inflections, or in other words, raise our voice and yell at someone as an expression of anger. We tend to use verbally aggressive language to express our anger. We might hit something or someone as an expression of anger. Parents may spank and hit their children, or send them to a “time out”, not because it is a reinforcing tool for discipline, but as an expression of anger. Siblings will hit each other. Athletic combatants will utilize aggressive physical contact to express anger, deemed necessary for a competitive edge to resolve adrenalin spikes. It isn’t just vocal volume and physical acts of aggression that attempt to experience relief from anger, but also the content of what is said. We’ll use just the right words to exact our revenge. Of course, there can be far severe expressions of anger and rage that result in more severe consequences. Not only consequences that can land a person in prison or result in someone beaten or killed, but result in terminated relationships—personal and professional.

Resentment

When we get stuck in anger, unable to adequately express it or fully resolve it, we tend to develop feelings of resentment. Resentment is prolonged unresolved anger. It is the holding on to full blown balloons. It is usually directed toward other people. It can just as well be directed toward yourself, which is especially dangerous since at some point someone else is going to pay for it in some way when the balloon explodes all over him or her.

Resentment is a powerful emotion trapped in the biochemical cycles of the brain that can have a serious impact whenever and wherever it is triggered. It is not the point of this lesson to provide a blueprint laying out all of the ways resentment is pervasive in the hearts and minds of even the godliest people. The point is to take you on an exploration of discovery on how unresolved anger is affecting you and the relationships that are important to you. Resentment tends to build and fester in the hidden secret places of your mind and memory.

Here is the thing about the balloon analogy. When the balloon continues to expand as the anger escalates until it can hardly contain another breath of air, it will not take much for the balloon to explode. When explosion occurs, everything contained in the balloon explodes all over everyone in the area of the balloon, which can lead to costly, if not tragic, terrifying outcomes… consequences that can cause long-lasting, perhaps even permanent damage. However, when air is released from the balloon through the use of recovery tools and coping skills to effectively manage anger and conflict, the balloon doesn’t get so full. If there isn’t so much internal pressure, it will take far greater external pressure to cause the balloon to explode. And even should the pin (external pressure) break through the skin of the balloon, when it does pop, there isn’t as much inside to evoke a whole lot of damage.

The following are a series of questions that will help you to explore those places in the mind and soul that represent the air (internal pressure) in your balloon. When answering the following questions it is  beneficial to site examples with your responses:

-How effectively would you say you manage your anger? Explain what typically happens when you become angry.

-How effectively would you say you manage disappointment? Explain how you manage disappointment.

-What are situations from the past when you felt most angry?

• Event
• People involved

-Do you find that you feel resentment toward those who hurt you in the past? Explain what you’re feeling.

-What in your current circumstances and relationships do you feel anger towards? List them.

• What?
• Who?

-How are you able to express your anger in your relationships?

-How are you not able to express your anger in your relationships?

-Are you feeling a bit angry now? Explain.

-Are you wrestling with resentment now? Explain.

-To whom in your present relationships do you feel resentment towards? List them.

-On a scale of 1-100, how intense is the resentment toward each person on the list?

-Do you feel resentment toward those who have caused you feelings of shame in your life? Explain.

-Do you feel resentment toward those who left you feeling wounded? Explain.

-Honestly, what would you say is your penchant for revenge?

-What would you say are your tools for vengence that you are inclined to use when the situation calls for it?

-Do you ever find yourself writing the script in your mind for how arguments, confrontations, and acts of vengeful behavior will be played out? Explain and perhaps provide an example..

-Do you imagine worst-case scenarios? Explain.

The lesson this week is a little different as you are being asked a number of questions that speak to this issue of anger and resentment. Often times we go to God in anger toward others praying from the motivation generated by anger and resentment. We will often pray the way that David the Psalmist did when he pleaded for God to vanquish his enemies. He prayed that way because guys like King Saul of the Old Testament sought to kill David and everybody knew it but did not have the authority to stop him.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:1-3 (NLT)

It behooves us as weak, vulnerable, self-protective, and able and willing to strike back people, to develop an ACTION PLAN to manage anger and resentment.

Develop an Action Plan

1-Identify a current problem or conflict resulting in anger

• Describe a problem that is present in your life that results in your being angry
• How has the problem led to feelings of anger?
• What does the anger feel like?

2-Recall events and circumstances in play when the problem/conflict started

• When did the problem begin?
• What relationships are involved with this problem?
• What were the events and circumstances leading up to the problem?
• What are the current circumstances as the result of the problem?

3-Examine how you are affected by the problem/conflict

• How are you affected physically and psychologically by the problem?
• How are the circumstances of your life affected by the problem?

4-Examine who else is affected by the problem/conflict

• What relationships are most affected by the problem?
• How would you say those relationships are affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Be specific)
• What other relationships are affected by the problem?
• How are those relationships affected by the problem?

5-Examine the first thing you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

6-Examine other things you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What else were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What else did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

7-Look back to other times when you had a similar problem/conflict

• When in your life did you experience a similar problem?
• How was the problem similar?
• What relationships were involved while experiencing the similar problem?
• What were the events and circumstances regarding the problem at that time?

8-Examine what you recall doing to attempt to solve the problem/conflict

• What did you do to attempt to solve the similar problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem similar to what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?
• How was what you did to attempt that problem different from what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?

9-Examine how you and others were affected by that previous similar problem

• How were you affected physically and psychologically by that similar problem?
• How were you affected by what you did to attempt to solve that problem?
• How would you say those relationships were affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Again, be specific)

10-Consider how confident are you that you can solve your current problem/conflict without a working action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on your own your way without an effectively working action plan?

11-Develop an action plan with a minimum of three very specific steps

• Using as many steps as it will take, begin outlining action steps that you believe are necessary to solve your current problem resulting in you being angry. Be thinking about how you will work the Admit, Believe, Commit strategy into your action steps.
• Be specific! “I will to pray more”, or “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse”, or “I will drink less/quit drinking”, or “I will quit smoking”, or “I will show more respect to my spouse”, or “I will stop this or that” are not sufficient on their own.
• Be specific of what you will do, how you will do it, and when you will do it for each step.

12-Prognosis for resolution of the problem/conflict without your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

13-Prognosis for successful resolution of the problem/conflict with your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

14-Consider what it all looks like when your problem/conflict is solved having implemented your plan God’s way

• How will working your action steps impact your physical and psychological health?
• How will working your action steps improve your spiritual health?
• How will the affected relationships in your life be better?
• How will your circumstances be better?
• How can you apply the fundamental elements of your action plan to other problems and circumstances?
• How can you apply the ABC strategy from your action plan into an overall approach to daily recovery?
• How would you describe the opportunity for a better future living out your action plan for recovery God’s way?

15-Examine your confidence level that you will solve your problem/conflict working through your action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on God’s way through your action plan empowered by the One able, willing, and wanting to help you?
• Since fear and doubt are your human nature, take the time now to pray for an increase in faith so that you can grow in confidence.
• Regardless of your confidence level, begin to implement your action plan immediately.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NLT)

If you engage and invest with full participation in your action plan, it is entirely possible for you to manage anger and resentment effectively. Take the time right now to pray and ask God for the grace and confidence to carry out your Action Plan to fully achieve your objectives.

What Do You Want… Really? (Measuring Gain & Loss, Risk & Reward?)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” —C.S. Lewis

It is God working in you to will and to act according to His purpose. Philippians 2:13

What is ambivalence? Ambivalence is having similar intensity of desire and motivation for more than one thing, but the things are opposite from each other. In other words, to have the one thing means forfeiting or sacrificing the other thing. When your alarm goes off in the morning, you might want desperately to stay in bed, but you also want the beneficial rewards that come with fulfilling the responsibilities of the day. Getting up might feel painful at first for a little bit of your time, but you adjust in order to experience the pleasure that comes with doing the good and right things you need to do throughout the day.

The scale of ambivalence is broad and the rewards and consequences escalate and the pleasure and the pain intensify. You might love your spouse and your children very much and hold them dear to your heart. Then perhaps at the job, or in that classroom, or at that commuter train terminal, or the person you carpool with… a relationship develops that becomes special to you for different reasons (usually sexual), and brings desire and temptation into your thoughts and beliefs that challenge all that you value and can sabotage your moral structure in the name of deserved gratification. You find yourself justifying the “relationship” as nothing more than this or that. It’s merely conversation… then becomes a ritual of meeting at a certain time in a certain place at the job site in the context of “we’re working”… then coffee together in the break room… then lunch… then drinks after work… then dinner and drinks after work… then… can’t stop thinking about it.

Or maybe it never gets that far. Maybe the relationship never evolves beyond your imagination. You simply entertain the fantasy. The relationship grows in your head, drawing you in, until it interferes with your attention to your spouse. You feel guilty; perhaps shame sets in. It becomes especially difficult to pray. You confess it to God, and then drift right back into the imaginary relationship fantasy. You love your spouse. You love God. The ensuing struggle is your ambivalence toward what is good and right and best for you and all involved.

We can be infatuated enough with anything that and powerfully drawn to a thing that it becomes obsessive, ritualistic, compulsive, even deviant. The primary issue at the heart of the matter is desire. What do you want? You may want the comfort and love connected to your marriage and your family, and the peace and joy connected to that love; but you may also want the gratification that comes with the affair at whatever level it is (casual flirtation to sexual to intense emotional feelings) that also feels like love. The problem is that these two things are opposite of each other. To have the one thing is to sacrifice and lose the other thing. Then when you lose your marriage and your family over the affair—the affair can be with another person, but it can also be with alcohol and drugs, food, gambling and competition, money and possessions, pornography, sports, romance novels, television, etc.—you say, “I didn’t want that!” “I didn’t want that to happen.” The reality, though, is that the loss of this marriage and this family of mine is in fact connected to that. It always was. You got what you wanted, but you also got what was connected to the other opposite thing you wanted. The ambivalence leading us down this road is resistant to what God is able and willing to do in our recovery when we let go of selfish fantasies caught in the core belief entitlement.

Working with men incarcerated for their criminal behavior, I have this discussion about ambivalence. These men are locked up in a drug-free (including nicotine) environment that is overcrowded, with extreme climate (no air conditioning in the hot and humid Chicago summer), lousy food, grunt work, sleeping in a cell the size of a small bathroom, no privacy, heavily guarded with intense security. These men are miserable. I have asked them in my therapy group: “Raise your hand if you want to be living here for years at a time separated from your family.” There is never a raised hand. But when they connect alcohol, drugs, women, gangs, hustles, and criminal activity together, connected to all of that is prison and everything connected to prison. Did they want to be in prison? Well, they don’t know that they are in prison. When they connect the lifestyle of the street to the lifestyle of prison, it’s a reality check of life-changing proportion.

With everything to gain with a healthy lifestyle of recovery, and everything to lose with the insanity of the criminal lifestyle resulting in incarceration, most (if not all) of the men will battle with ambivalent feelings that are resistant to recovery upon release from prison. They may be successful in their drug-dealing transactions 49 times, then the 50th time they are arrested or killed or maimed by a bullet and their life changes forever, losing time and opportunity they can never get back. But 49 out of 50! That’s a 98 percent success rate! That’s got to be worth the risk, right?

Should they give in to their ambivalence and give way to their old ways of thinking and behaving and wanting, they will get what they want and all that is connected to it as if they wanted the life that is prison. They must internalize the pain of their experience in such a way that they are able to leverage their pain and loss against what they have to gain and win in their freedom to live and love, experiencing peace and joy. Maybe then, can they have a better understanding into awareness of what they really want in their life as they contemplate lifestyle choices and determine to act out a lifestyle of sustained recovery.

The Apostle Paul of the Bible said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Philippians 4:13) Paul is the same guy that said, “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (Romans 7:21-24)

What gives? One minute Paul has learned the secret of being content and the next he’s discovered that he’s miserably discontent. This issue of ‘me’dom describes the human condition that defines our experience. Both are true: our discovery that we are under the control of our self-centered ways of thinking and behaving, and, we can experience freedom from our ongoing and deepening dissatisfaction. Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They asked him, “What do you mean set free? We’ve never been anyone’s slave.” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.” (John 8:32-34) Sin is the Bible’s three-letter word for our selfish intentions and behavior. In other words, the first time we gave into the drug of selfishness we became addicted. The truth is that Jesus Christ wants to lift the weight of our burden since He can and will if we seek Him.

The problem we all experience is that our brain is in perpetual “go” mode, always excited. There is part of our biochemical make up that wants what it wants when it wants it, and never stops wanting more—the insatiable drive for instant gratification. There is another area of the brain trying to apply the brakes (inhibit), trying to tell the “go” part of the brain to stop, to wait, and to slow down. Both parts of the biochemical make up of our brains are essentially working selfishly to maximize gain and minimize loss. It’s through this attempt to establish balance that our values are shaped into some sense of morality—right and wrong, good and evil. Add to this that we are slaves to selfishness, according to Jesus, and we have a need (resulting in inner conflict) greater than what we can do for ourselves to resolve it.

We feed our selfishness one way or another, escalating and intensifying this inner conflict; the battle for resolving our need and satisfying our desire according to the irrational beliefs that seems to justify obsessive thoughts and compulsive and reactive behavior. How we perceive things that happen to us throughout our lives evokes interpretations and thoughts of those events that fuel a belief about them that shape our values and strengthen feelings whether positive or negative. Since so often our interpretation of events is influenced by selfishness and impacted by pain on some level, our belief about the event trends toward being irrational. Our feelings are determined and intensified by our belief and then we react with behavior that so easily brings results in pain for us and others, including to those we love.

Irrational beliefs are triggered and fueled by historical events in your life revolving around your most important relationships. You may have never known your father or mother, or lost a parent to divorce or death during your early childhood years, but that was still a relationship of primary importance. Abandonment, betrayal, alienation and rejection can distort your thoughts and feelings about yourself to the extent that an entire belief system about yourself and your place in the world is realized and acted out through lifestyle choices and behavior. Guilt is distorted into shame, the internalizing of guilt until it somehow defines you. Instead of “I did a bad thing”—guilt; shame says, “I am a bad person”. Instead of “I made a mistake”—guilt; shame screams to you inner mind, “I am a mistake… I am a failure”. These are distorted stinky thoughts that elicit irrational beliefs that fuel immense feelings driving destructive behavior.

What is irrational about these beliefs is that there is one thing that we want that has a thousand points, maybe ten thousand points worth of gains and benefits, but we stand to lose a million points worth of destructive painful consequences. Yet, we will still choose what stands to lose so much more than what could possible be gained. Is that true of you? Do you want prison? Do you want to live there? Do you want to be imprisoned by the painful memories of your past? Do you want to be imprisoned by anger and resentment? Is it worth it you to stay in your prison? How sick is that? Hmm…

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:1-3 (NIV)

Letting Go: The Isaac Principle

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

The problem of addiction to sin and its underlying selfish ambition is that our addictions are the product of idolizing and therefore worshiping self. This is the MEdom condition each of us find ourselves in. MEdom is my addiction to me. The human tragedy of MEdom is that we are so arrogant and sick in our addiction to self that we build an altar to our addiction as part of the worship ritual, routine, habit, or what ever you choose to call it. On the altar built to “satisfy” our god of addiction, are things most precious to us. We will place our families – our children – on the altar of addiction as a burnt offering to this god. At the prison I work at the men have even placed their freedom on the altar of their addiction to be sacrificed along with their families.

You worship your idols with great passion
beneath the oaks and under every green tree.
You sacrifice your children down in the valleys,
among the jagged rocks in the cliffs.
Your gods are the smooth stones in the valleys.
You worship them with liquid offerings and grain offerings.

Let’s see if your idols can save you
when you cry to them for help.
Why, a puff of wind can knock them down!
If you just breathe on them, they fall over!
But whoever trusts in me will inherit the land
and possess my holy mountain.”

God says, “Rebuild the road!
Clear away the rocks and stones
so my people can return from captivity.”
The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,
the Holy One, says this:
“I live in the high and holy place
with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble
and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts. Isaiah 57:5-6, 13-15 (NLT)

We are blessed to be given another chance at freedom since God replaced our sacrifice with that of His very begotten Son to be the sacrifice for sin once and for all. What a gracious and generous gift. So, what’s the catch? The catch is that He leaves it up to us to tear down the altar we have built to honor the god of self, the false god we have erected before Almighty God. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to reject the gift of God’s Son Jesus in favor of our selfish sin addiction. And yet we do. Unbelievable, isn’t it. But true. God gives us a way out so that we won’t to sacrifice any more since our sacrifice is insufficient anyway. All we have to do is let go of the distractions. Abraham also was given a substitute for sacrifice but he had to be willing to let go of his promised Isaac to receive the greater promise.

Abraham of the Old Testament had finally received the blessing of the promised son. He had toiled for years, agonizing over the unmet expectation he had that God would make it possible for Abraham’s barren wife Sarah to become pregnant fulfilling God’s promise. At one point, Abraham compromised waiting for God’s promise, and ventured on his own at the request of his wife, Sarah, to lay down with his wife’s Egyptian maidservant Hagar. Abraham came to believe that this was necessary to have the promised son from Almighty God through Hagar to carry on his family’s legacy. Apparently, what God intended was that Abraham commit adultery to fulfill the will of God. At least, that’s how Abraham played it out in his mind to justify hastening the blessing of the promised son. Okay, maybe legally it wasn’t adultery since Sarah declared that Hagar become Abraham’s wife. Let’s see how that worked itself out.

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had not been able to bear children for him. But she had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has prevented me from having children. Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.” And Abram agreed with Sarai’s proposal. So Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian servant and gave her to Abram as a wife.

So Abram had sexual relations with Hagar, and she became pregnant. But when Hagar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress, Sarai, with contempt. Then Sarai said to Abram, “This is all your fault! I put my servant into your arms, but now that she’s pregnant she treats me with contempt. The Lord will show who’s wrong—you or me!” Abram replied, “Look, she is your servant, so deal with her as you see fit.” Then Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she finally ran away. Genesis 16:1-6 (NLT)

Hagar did indeed have a son who we know to be Ishmael. Abraham’s choice to be with Hagar was about going his own way—his clever idea to carry out the willful purpose and plan of God, independent of God. His choice still carries severe consequences to this day as the root of the violent ongoing conflict in the Middle East. Abraham’s unwillingness to wait on the promise in the plan of God was due to his selfish desires and motivations. He too fell prey to the MEdom urge and craving to for instant gratification. Abraham in his haste may have delayed the plan of God. Abraham’s son Isaac, the promised son of God, would be born from Sarah some fifteen years later.

Abraham was then reminded by God who his son belonged to. According to the story in Genesis 22, Abraham was ordered to bring his son Isaac to the mountainous region of Moriah to prepare an offering to be sacrificed unto God. At one point young Isaac even got curious and asked, “Where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham told Isaac that God would provide it. Then, once the altar was built, Isaac was bound and laid onto the altar to be sacrificed. Just then, the Angel of the Lord called out to Abraham and presented to him the lamb that was to be sacrificed instead of Isaac. It would be through Isaac’s son Jacob that the nation of Israel would be born.

This was an exercise in letting go and committing to recovery God’s way. God did not change his mind about Isaac. The human sacrifice of Isaac was never God’s intention. Abraham needed to learn that everything is God’s. All that Abraham possessed was given to him by God. God is in authority and control and has the power over everything. We must learn this as well. It is not that God merely claims everything; it is all his, period. God, on the other hand wants so much to freely give to us all that is his. When God then does bless us, we have a tendency to give way to sin and patterns of sinful behavior, therefore, corrupting and perverting the provisional blessings and prosperity of God. Each time this sequence occurs, we’re in trouble. Overwhelmed by the selfish ambitious nature as human beings, our lives get complicated. Abraham’s life became difficult as well as he became impatient in his faith in God to provide and did things his own way. Abraham needed to let go of his desire for a son and let God do rightly what only God can do rightly. When God does a thing it is the best thing.

Abraham did come to a place where he was willing to be completely obedient to the will of God and was willing to the point of sacrificing the son that had been promised to him. He taught Isaac well and even Isaac (who had grown up) was complicit in obediently serving the will of the Lord to the point of humbly laying down his ambitious wants and needs. He (Jesus) carried the wood on his back that would become the would he would be laid out on as the son sacrificed by the father.

To more fully appreciate what went into Abraham’s obedience to the point of sacrificing his promised son to be fully obedient to the call and plan of God, please view this video.

The Fatal Place from Elevation Church

Abraham and Isaac humbly sacrificed everything in obedience to the will of God. Isaac would not have to give up his life. Is it possible that part of the logic in testing Abraham’s unwavering obedience was the disappointment of Abraham and Sarah’s disobedience that led to the birth of Ishmael? It’s what evoked confusion and division regarding the state of Israel. Abraham would prove himself worthy of the blessing as the father of nations. God provided the blood sacrificed to Abraham and Isaac as atonement for sin and an expression of worship.

Atonement for sin requires a blood sacrifice. God would again provide the sacrifice, this time for you and for me when it came time for us to be sacrificed on the alter for our sin. Jesus carried the wood on his back to be laid out upon that wood as the necessary sacrifice so that we would be spared. Even for God to become flesh in the person of Jesus required sacrifice. God would let go of His precious son and Jesus would let go of who He was as God to fully experience His humanity in order to suffer tragically on the cross and in the grave. The sacrifice by Abraham of Isaac was prophetic to what God would do when we needed Him most.

Why is it so difficult to let go of an irrational belief of entitlement that opens the door for God to bless and prosperous as we get to experience His good pleasure? Central to receiving the prosperity of God’s grace is the act of surrender. It may go against certain sensibilities to let go as the condition to get back, but it is the promise and premise of a healthy fruitful life in relationship with Jesus Christ.

What or who is your Isaac, today? Your Isaac might be your spouse and your children. Your Isaac might be your home, your job, your finances, and your health. It might be all that satisfies you in this life. It might be all that you yearn for in the flesh as well as all you need and desire in the spirit. It might be all of your ups and your downs. It might be all that strengthens you and all that weakens you. It might be in your laughter and your tears. Your Isaac can be any of it and all of it. Your Isaac is all that has value and worth to you. Your Isaac comes from God and belongs to God. Are you willing to let it go voluntarily in your service and obedience to God in your recovery, or will you put it on God to put your willingness to let go to the test?

Will you build an altar before the throne of grace where Christ is and offer him all that you care about? It’s all His anyway. Jesus died to free us from all that binds us, but we have taken quite a bit if it back. Offer him your body, heart, soul, and mind. Offer yourself to God as a sacrifice to be used by him to accomplish his purposeful plans for your life today.

Let go, since you have no authority over any of it anyway, and let God take care of it all. He will provide the lamb. He will make a way. Give God your husband, your wife. Give God your kids. Give God your home and your career. Give God your health and the health of your family. Is it better off in your care or his care? As you surrender it all unto him, you can trust him to direct you onto the best path for you, your family, and everything you hold dear.

Listen with LUV… It’s Not About the Nail

by Steven Gledhill for Freedom from MEdom Project

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
James 1:19 (NLT)

Before beginning this discussion on healthy communication, it might be good to acknowledge that we all do not think alike. there are differences from one person to the next. In particular, there are differences between how men think and how women think. There are often times stark differences between the way in which men and women view their lives and the world. Mark Gungor has attempted with obvious humor to suggest this contrast from what he calls the Tale of Two Brains. Check this out:

Critical to our applied recovery is the skill of effective communication. One person communicating in a two-person conversation can do a lot to see to it that something is being communicated effectively by actually listening.

“Say what you mean; mean what you say; but don’t say it mean.” —Betty Murray, RN

What does that mean? Often times, particularly in the midst of confrontation, intended messages are not effectively communicated, resulting in misunderstood messages leading to hurt and angry feelings.

Through aeons of time misunderstood communication has evolved from hurt and resentment into broken relationships—from broken hearts to broken nations and split societies. It is essential that we learn how to listen to one another with what Carl Rogers referred to as unconditional positive regard, or better yet, what the Bible refers to as an attitude of grace from a heart of sincere love for our brother and sister,and even to our enemy.

What we tend not to do when communicating is listen well. We hear what we want to hear or what we don’t want to hear but expect to hear; or at the very least, hope to hear. We allow preconceived notions and scenarios to cloud and distort our reception of what is being communicated.

“Confrontation without love is hostility.” —Tony Evans

To communicate with others more effectively we would benefit by learning something about expressing empathy through more effective listening skills through something called active listening, and better yet, something referred to as reflective listening. Active reflective listening sets the stage for reflective responses geared to better understanding of what is being communicated. Better understanding of communication allows for, and encourages opportunity to validate the speaker.

The alternative to healthy functional communication is unhealthy dysfunctional communication. Interaction that is argumentative, judgmental, critical, and ultimately offensive is typically a lose-lose for the combatants… uh, uh… I mean people engaging in conversation.

The video below is a humorous look at active listening being taught in a classroom to parents.

Become an Active Listener

There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they say.

Pay attention.
Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also “speaks” loudly.

• Look at the speaker directly.
• Put aside distracting thoughts (preconceived notions). Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!
• Avoid being distracted by environmental factors (turn the TV off, close the book).
• “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.
• Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting (referred to as subgrouping at the prison I work at).

Show that you are listening.
Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.

• Nod occasionally.
• Smile and use other facial expressions.
• Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
• Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.

Provide feedback.
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

• Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
• Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you meant when you said…?”
• Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

Defer judgment.
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

• Allow the speaker to finish.
• Don’t interrupt with counter arguments.

Respond Appropriately.
Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.

• Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
• Assert your opinions respectfully.
• Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

Expressing Empathy through Reflective Listening

Let’s now define the word empathy and go from there:

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Empathy is such a popular term these days, but what exactly does it mean? What are you listening for in the effort to understand and validate the speaker? The truth is that we will not always understand what we are listening to while communicating, making it especially challenging to express empathy. Empathy has more to do with the intent to understand than it does the actual understanding. Counselors and doctors show empathy to their patients by way of statements and questions that reflect understanding. For example, it might go something like, “I understand that you’re concerned about what be going on with you, so it’s important to me that you tell me your symptoms.” All the doctor essentially said is, “You are concerned about your condition and you are important to me.” That is empathy for the patient, having validated the patient no matter how genuine.

As counselors, we often use an approach to empathy referred to as reflective listening. Through reflective listening is the opportunity to listen to, understand, and validate the other person and what they are saying and feeling. Dr. Gary Smalley referred to this effective communication strategy as “LUV talk”. Dr. Smalley spoke of comparing LUV talk to placing an order in a fast-food drive-through lane, that when faced with conflict you should listen carefully to what your mate says about his or her feelings and needs. Then, just like a fast-food worker, repeat back what you hear. This not only helps clarify that you understand, but it also validates and values your mate. Smalley says you don’t necessarily need to agree with your mate’s conclusions in order to understand his or her feelings and needs.

Reflective listening involves repeating back through reflective responses what the person has said in a way that communicates understanding of what is important to the person transmitting the message. Reflective listening involves really hearing and understanding what the speaker is saying through words and body language, and reflecting back feelings and thoughts you heard through your own words, tone-of-voice, body posture and gesture so that the other person knows he or she is understood. Reflective listening and responding requires physically and psychologically attending to the person you are listening to. Whether it is through physical touch, body posture and gestures, or intentionally attending to an active listening environment (i.e., turning the television off or setting the book down).

Other things to pay attention to has to do with following the listening with statements of permission such as:

• Would you like to talk about it?
• Can I help you with your concern (or problem)?
• Would it help to talk about it?
• Is something bothering you?
• You seem upset. Care to talk about it?
• Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest.
• Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

Suggestions for reflective statements in response to the person communicating with you might be:

• What I hear you saying is…
• The impression I get from what you said is…
• What I am hearing is that you appear to be… (i.e., concerned, angry, sad, unhappy, upset, content, satisfied, dissatisfied, confused, wondering, in agreement, misunderstood, etc. – must be accurate or you risk offending the other person)
• It sounds to me like…
• It’s possible that…
• I wonder if…
• I get the impression that…

Generally speaking, reflective responses and statements continue the give and take of effective purposeful conversation. Reflective questions can stimulate further conversation or they can stifle conversation if they appear to the other person to be judgmental and/or offensive, or mistakenly or clumsily become one-sided should one feel the need to inject misguided or misunderstood opinion. That would depend on one’s motivation for the discussion. There can be a tendency to “need” to be understood or validated to the point that even when the speaker is upset or hurting in some way that I respond to the hurting person in a way that suggests I have to be right because, of course, I am right. (That’s what I think.)

Transference and Countertransference

Transference: the phenomenon whereby we unconsciously transfer feelings and attitudes from a person or situation in the past on to a person or situation in the present. The process is at least partly inappropriate to the present.

Countertransference: the response that is elicited in the recipient (therapist) by the other’s (patient’s) unconscious transference communications; responses include both feelings and associated thoughts. When transference feelings are not an important part of the therapeutic relationship, there can obviously be no countertransference.

Typically, the only time transference and countertransference are discussed is in the context of therapeutic relationship between doctor or therapist and patient. I think you will find it interesting how these dynamics are made manifest in our communication with each other in all sorts of relationship; whether between spouses and mates, siblings, friends, professional relationships, and so on. I will not elaborate much on this. I will provide examples of how transference and countertransference might play out between my wife and I, and then how transference and countertransference are brought to life in what Eric Berne diagrammed concerning communication dysfunction.

It would be transference if I unconsciously project some psychological issue I have (i.e., I am experiencing anxiety and stress because of a difficult day at work) that affects and influences my responses to the person who is discussing with me their day, or perhaps an important concern of theirs. Transference directed by the speaker to the listener can provoke countertransference from the listener.

Example A
Let’s say I am talking with my wife, a registered nurse. She says, “It was hard for me to respond to a patient who received some bad news from the doctor about his condition.” I could respond by saying, “I am always impressed that you care deeply for the well-being of your patients.” She says, “My supervisor told me I care too much sometimes.” Then I say, “I understand that you are passionate about your job helping people to help themselves.” Then she replies, “I suppose I could pay closer attention to how I am perceived by those I work with.” I respond, “It is important that you are understood as a caring patient that recognizes her boundaries.” She replies, “That’s my intention… I feel better about it. Thanks.”

From that form of reflective listening and responses my wife arrived at her own solution to a dilemma she may have been wresting with outside of my knowing that she even had a dilemma. Even though the above was a fictitious example, I like the way I handled the situation. It’s too bad it was a script. Maybe one day my talks with my wife will actually work out like that one did.

Example B
But what if my listening is clouded because of my experience today? Let’s say that my day began with the news that a client I counsel who is locked up in prison was informed that his young son was killed in a car accident last night and I struggled to find the right words to say to him. I am still wrestling with feelings of inadequacy myself as my wife tells me about her day: “It was hard for me to respond to a patient who received some bad news from the doctor about his condition.” So in my feelings of inadequacy (my transference) I respond by saying this to my wife, “I know how important it is for your patients to see that you care, which might be difficult to show when you’re not sure what to say.” I might be right on the money with how I responded. It doesn’t matter! My statement to her was more a reflection of what I was feeling than what she was feeling.

Had I said, “I am touched that you care deeply for the well-being of your patients” she might have said, “Sometimes maybe I care too much, you know what I mean? How do you deal with that working at the prison when one of your guys gets bad news?” This isn’t a counseling session, it’s a discussion between a husband and his wife. So I say… and then I share my experience today.

Had I said, “I know how important it is for your patients to see that you care, which might be difficult to show your patients when you’re not sure what to say” she might have answered, “No, that’s not it… your psychobabble sounded good, though” and she picks up her book to read… end of discussion.

In the first scenario, even though I may have still had my day’s struggle on my mind, I kept my focus on listen, understanding and validating my wife’s message with my response. In the second scenario, it’s pretty clear that my attention was distracted and my response had a lot more to do with getting what I needed; validating me. It may have started out alright, but even the beginning of it was really me saying, “It is so important to me that my client believes I care, but I had nothing for him when he needed me to something to say that would somehow ease his pain.” That was my transference, redirecting my attention from my wife back on to me. In the first scenario is the beginning of quality interactive dialogue between us. In the second scenario, my “counselor-speak” could have offended her, sounding as though I judged her as not being able to communicate concern for her patients and freezing under the pressure to say something supportive. Really, all of that was my issue which I transferred onto her.

Example C
So how might countertransference play out in this example? My wife might say to me, “What a day… I’d tell you about it but I really don’t need to hear how I care too much about my patients.” The transference is that my wife has unconsciously transferred the feelings she had with her supervisor onto me. Then I reply to her, “Maybe you could benefit from praying that you will be better prepared to be effective helping your patients deal with the crisis of bad news.” The countertransference is my unconscious feelings of inadequacy helping my client in his crisis. Perhaps had I had quality prayer time in the morning instead of the quicky drive by prayer on my way into work, I would have been ready to better help my client. I projected my feelings into my response to my wife’s communication to me. I did listen to her but through the lens of my concerns and feelings of inadequacy today.

Parent, Adult, Child Communication

In the 1950s, Dr. Eric Berne began developing a theory concerning communication that he referred to as Transactional Analysis. By the early 1960s, Dr. Berne published a couple of books regarding his theory, including the rather famous “Games People Play” in 1964 that serves as the handbook for Transactional Analysis. Dr. Berne suggests that adults communicate from alter ego states, or personas, he called Parent, Adult, and Child.

PARENT:

The Parent persona is the underlying voice of authority conditioned by what we have been taught. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, clergy, Sunday School teachers, our friends’ parents, neighbors, television and radio personalities, government authority and law enforcement, doctors and nurses, social norms, etc., have instructed, shaped, and conditioned the values of the Parent persona all of our life. External events, said and done, have been ingrained into our psyche, having influenced how we think and feel, and now, as then, drive our attitudes and behavior.

The Parent persona tends to be critical and judgmental, and can be sarcastic, patronizing and condescending. The Parent persona is angry and resentful and can be spiteful and vengeful. The Parent persona wants its own way and is persistent in getting it.

When the Parent persona communicates, it is addressing the Child persona within the adult person the Parent is interacting with.

CHILD:

The Child persona is the underlying voice of experiences felt growing up from early childhood to adulthood. The experiences of external events that have shaped and conditioned the Child persona within each of us evoke feelings of anger, shame, failure, disappointment, rejection, helplessness, resentment, bitterness, isolation, alienation, etc. The Child persona is also influenced by experiences of entitlement, privilege, covetousness, envy and jealousy, selfish greed, etc. As the Child persona is affected by present circumstances and stimuli, the Child reaction is the expression of a lifetime’s evolution of feelings and learned responses that come back into play in adulthood.

The Child persona will react automatically when its senses are cued by the Parent persona that it is communicating with. The manifestation of the Child persona can be an attitude of rebellion and defiance, but can also come from the place of a victim. The Child persona is subject to psychological abuse.

The Child persona reacts to the communication of the Parent persona, but can also react to another person communicating from a Child persona. Spouses fighting can transition from Parent talking to Child, and Child reacting/responding to Parent, to Child exchanging fiery dialog with Child. As the verbal conflict heats up, escalating into something nasty and ugly, the health of communication, and ultimately relationship, deescalates, descending into something bitter and isolating.

ADULT:

The Adult persona in this process of interactive communication relies on reasonable thought. The Adult persona tends to remain rational and sensible while the Parent and Child personas trend toward irrationality, and their interaction is ineffectual and dysfunctional. Since the Adult is relatively healthy and functional, its interactive efforts to communicate are directed to the Adult persona internal to the other person, for the purpose of effective and productive interaction.

Transactional Analysis:

There are four transaction types in Dr. Berne’s Transactional Analysis model. There is Parent to Child transactions, Child to Parent transactions, Child to Child transactions, and finally, Adult to Adult transactions. Parent-Child, Child-Parent, and Child-Child transactions between adults can quite clearly be said to carry there share of transference and countertransference. Sadly, in the analysis of communication patterns, relationships tend to adopt these Parent and Child personas. One of my clients at the prison coined this idea of “psychological domination”. To dominate a person psychologically means that someone is being dominated. The person communicating from the parent persona has assumed the role of dominator, as harsh as that sounds. The person assuming the Child persona responding to the “Parent” is attempting to defend being dominated, trending toward a combative confrontational posture.

Here is an example of Parent-to-Child communication that breaks down even more into Child-to-Child interaction:

• Husband/Initiator: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
• Wife/Receiver: “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t paying attention.”
• Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
• Wife: “I’ve got the kids laundry… your laundry… it’s too much!”
• Husband: “You’re so careless… I can’t believe you sometimes.”
• Wife: “If you weren’t so self-absorbed…”
• Husband: “You’re the one always complaining.”
• Wife: “Could you be more selfish? You’re impossible!”
• Husband: “You’re an idiot!”
• Wife: “You’re a fool!”

The transference of the speaker initiating communication will contribute to whether the speaker comes from the Parent or Child persona. Perhaps the initiating speaker felt bullied by parents, siblings, classmates, and so on. This person might assume the child persona as a kind of victim in meaningful relationships. Or, this person might seek to “dominate” in the Parent persona compensating for past victimizations, refusing to be dominated, taking the offensive from a self-perceived position of strength. The same can be said for the responder’s countertransference from either position. Initiators of interactive communication who may have been allowed to “dominate” growing up for whatever reason might be insistent in how they communicate from the Parent persona.

There are Child-Child interactions as well that are the result of transference issues that provoke dysfunctional communication patterns. Anything but healthy Adult-to-Adult interactions is ineffective and proves to be dysfunctional.

Here is an example of what began as Parent-to-Child interaction but when the respondent, in this case the wife, refuses to respond in the Child persona, the interaction converts into much healthier Adult-to-Adult communication:

• Husband: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
• Wife: “I hear that you’re angry. I’m sorry, I suppose I could have paid better attention.”
• Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
• Wife: “I understand that you’re frustrated. I assure you that it was an accident; I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
• Husband: “I understand, too, that you have an awful lot of responsibility around here. I guess it isn’t so important that I tear you apart over it. You didn’t deserve that.”
• Wife: “Thanks for understanding. Do you think you could help me out with a few things I need so I can be more attentive to what you need?”
• Husband: “I know of a few of the things that are important that you need help with. Would you jot a few of the other things down for me?”
• Wife: “Sure, I appreciate your willingness to help.”
• Husband: “Thank you for being so patient with me.”
• Wife: “Because I love you… that’s marriage.”

Notice that the wife does not respond Child-to-Parent, but rather she responds Adult-to-Adult. The husband proceeded to address her Parent-to-Child, but she continued to use empathy in her Adult-to-Adult responses. Her use of empathy changed the tenor of the interaction as her husband’s anxiety was disarmed and his “better side” followed up with Adult-to-Adult responses. It is in the heat of the moment that Adult-Adult interaction is most challenging and difficult, but not at all impossible.

The Parent persona always directs communication to the Child persona. The Child persona always directs communication to the Parent persona, and the Adult persona always directs communication to the Adult persona, even if it is received by the Parent or Child persona within the other person. The critical element of Adult communication is for at least one person to be committed to Adult communication even when the other person is communicating from their parent or child persona. That is what the wife committed to doing in the above example to the point that the interaction was empowered to grow into Adult communication.

LUV Language—Listen, Understand, Validate

This LUV strategy has been taught by Dr. Gary Smalley.

Listen

The Three Basic Listening Modes (Dr. Larry Nadig)

1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. Attentive Listening happens when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We assume that we heard and understand correctly, but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

It has been said that listening is a skill. Effective listening requires intent on the part of the listener to be engaged in the conversation. Someone intent on really listening is most likely to remove and/or minimize distractions. It may not be enough to flip the book over, or turn the volume down on the television. Instead, mark your spot and close the book, and perhaps set it aside. Turn the television off and commit your attention to the person speaking to you. Effective listening allows the speaker to complete sentences and thoughts. The temptation can be intense to complete the speakers sentences, or briefly summarize what is being said to move the conversation along. The other temptation is to interject unwarranted opinions, advice, and humor as distraction or deflection from active listening. Avoid such interjections until it is asked for or until it is clear that the speaker has completed the expression of their thought. Avoid being preoccupied with what you are going to say, looking for the right spot to jump in, and not really listening to what is being said.

Listening Strategy

• Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:

1. Account of the facts
2. Thoughts and beliefs
3. Feelings and emotions
4. Wants, needs or motivation
5. Hopes and expectations

• Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
• Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
• If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
• Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
• Be empathetic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.

Understand

To better understand what is being communicated requires attentive listening, meaning that you are paying direct attention to the one speaking to you; not only paying attention to the words spoken, but also being attentive to nonverbal communication expressed through body language and facial expression.

When you are listening, the intention to understand what the communicator is meaning to convey, then, is focused on the nonverbal conversation at least as much as the spoken word. Seek to understand by listening for the emotion driving the communication. While you may not always be able to detect emotions when their delivered in subtlety, you can usually perceive that something is at least important to the communicator.

Validate

Validation is next in the progression of this LUV language of communication. It is the critical piece to reflective listening. Each time your response includes a paraphrase of what has been spoken to you, and identify verbally the emotion of the communicator, the result is validation that he or she is worth your attention, that you are engaged in the interactive communication process, and that you really do care and understand. We all have a built in need to be validated as being worthwhile and important. So when we validate and are validated as a form of interactive exchange, it feels better.

So how do you validate as a way to express empathy through reflective responses?

While you are listening, and you perceive the emotion of anger, you might respond by repeating back in your own words what was said but preface your response by saying, “I sense you’re angry about… ” or conclude your response with, ” … you seem to be pretty upset about it.” The same can be said to identify positive emotions (“you sound really happy about that” or “it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself”)

How do you respond if you sense concern but are unable to identify deeper emotion than that?

Reply with a simple response that does not assume the risk of misidentifying emotion or triggering non-intended emotion: “I can tell you are concerned about that”, or “That is obviously important to you.” Words like ‘concerned’ and ‘important’ usually apply even when you are not sure how or why it is important or of concern. Other validation words that do not necessarily carry as much intensity that are safe include: ‘upset’, ‘disappointed’, ‘feel good’ (“sounds like you feel pretty good about that”), and tend to carry less risk when you are not as certain how to identify deeper, more intense emotions such as: angry, resentful, bitter, shameful, failure, happy, joyful, festive, foolish, and so on.

LUV—listen, understand, validate—when applied in interactive communication can, and should, have the effect of disarming unhealthy defenses while empowering healthy conversation. Disarming because (and this especially true if the raw emotion is directed at you in confrontation) it suggests that you are, at least in part, agreeable, even when you do not necessarily agree; and empowering because of the apparent vulnerability it takes to understand what someone is feeling, communicating access to the part of you that is engaged emotionally in the discussion.

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters. 1 John 4:16-21 (NLT)

LUV, when applied in the method of reflective listening and responses, is the open door to Adult-to-Adult interactive communication. Playing on the word ‘love’ with the acronym ‘LUV’ is, of course, no coincidence. It is deliberate and intentional. Even when Carl Rogers coined the phrase “unconditional positive regard”, it was intended as an umbrella of loving grace when applied to and in relationships.

David G. Myers says the following in his Psychology: Eighth Edition in Modules:

“People also nurture our growth by being accepting; by offering us what Rogers called unconditional positive regard. This is an attitude of grace, an attitude that values us even knowing our failings. It is a profound relief to drop our pretenses, confess our worst feelings, and discover that we are still accepted. In a good marriage, a close family, or an intimate friendship, we are free to be spontaneous without fearing the loss of others’ esteem.”

Perfect love is found in relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who demonstrated perfect love through His sacrifice so that we can live according to His example. As you conclude the reading of this article, imagine communicating in your relationships, from those most important to those more casual, freely interacting with people in conversation while applying this LUV strategy of reflective listening and responses.

You can be subtle in your approach to using reflective listening and response as you make it a point to listen with the purpose of understanding so that you can more easily validate the feelings and concerns of those you interact with. You don’t have to be clever about its application, parsing your words as if you’re going to be evaluated or something. No one has to know you’re trying something that could revolutionize how you communicate with people. Try it with someone you don’t know so well; someone who wouldn’t necessarily become curious as to why you don’t seem altogether yourself while you attempt to reflect back what they are saying. See if you can provoke and prompt the person you’re talking with to move a little deeper into a concern or problem. See if by reflecting back what he or she is saying through your responses, the person can sensibly navigate his or her way into a solution or the next step in managing the difficulty.

The tools learned in this article are a vital piece to sustained authentic recovery. I can be active in recovery on so many levels, however, relationship recovery is vital to my recovery from being selfish, particularly as I interact with people through graceful communication. The Apostle John wrote that they will know we are Christians by our love. Is my love for my loved ones and my friends, my neighbors and co-workers, and even acquaintances reflected in how I communicate with them? Can I take my eyes off me long enough to listen to, to understand, and then to validate what is important to them?

We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. 2 Corinthians 6:3-4, 6 (NLT)

I Can “Manage” Just Fine

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“I was so obsessed with me and the reasons that I might be dissatisfied that I couldn’t focus on other people… What I trace this to is a certain selfishness on my part.” —Barack Obama

Being obsessed with me and the reasons I might be dissatisfied is forged from a core belief of entitlement—I want it, believe I need it, therefore I deserve it. Entitlement suggests that I “need” control. Entitled expectation’s appetite for control craves validation. I must be right. Disappointment (failed expectations), anger, impatience, and fear stem from the absence of control, as do emotions such as aggravation, boredom, and frustration. Rage, resentment, vindication, and vengeance are emotional responses to the absence of control. Feeling accepted, esteemed, even loved for that matter, is embattled in a quest for privilege (advantage). It all hinges on buying into the illusion that control is possible. To not have control is to be anxious and distressed without it. Distress is unsettling and rather painful, toxic to my system, cues internal symptoms that trigger impulsive reactions, which contribute to more (and often severe) problems. Pain is inconvenient, adds to my stress, and is increasingly dissatisfying.

FREEdom from MEdom Project (FFMP) was developed to help you and your family experience reasonable steps to recovery from patterns of behavior that tend to recycle the deepening dissatisfaction of daily routines and experiences. The objective is to help you access the One who can and will light the way to freedom through recovery God’s way. He is the light in your darkness. He is the truth staring into the face of the lies you’ve come to believe about yourself and the world you live in.

What we like to believe is within our control to “manage” is too often an illusion that feeds into the delusion that we are in control of our life. So it’s a surprise when things, even the simpler things, take a turn and veer into oncoming traffic forcing us to collide head on into most difficult and troubling challenges.

“I would like to believe that for the most part I am in control of most things in my life. I better be. I’m not sure what I will do if things are outside of my control. Of course, the weather and things happening around the world; those kinds of things are not under my control, but I would say that most things are. Alright, so I can’t control what my wife is thinking… what she’s feeeeeling. I learned a lesson the first time around. These days most things are under my control; at least I’ve got a handle on things. I manage… I manage well enough.

“What about my children, you ask? They’re good kids. They make their share of mistakes of course; experiment with certain experiences, struggle some in relationships, make questionable financial and professional decisions now that they’re grown, but they’re doing alright. Okay, so I can’t control the choices of my children, but whatever mistakes I’ve made with them, I’ll make it up by the way I help with my perfect little grandchildren. Once again, I’ll manage.

“Things are good at work. It got a little tense there for awhile. I got behind on a few things, but I bounced back. It was never too unmanageable. My boss believed in me. He showed me some ‘tough love’ along the way to help me get back on track but things worked out. My performance improved. My clients were happy. They didn’t know anything was wrong. Not like before at my last job when they trumped up some ridiculous “charges” to get rid of me.  This time there was no concern there as far as I could tell. Yes, there were days when I ran around with butterflies in my stomach but I wouldn’t call it anxiety. I’m no victim. I wasn’t too worried about it.

“It’s all good. I’ve got things back under control. It’s all good. I can manage just fine. Don’t worry about me. I can handle it. The day I can’t is the day it all crashes down. That won’t happen.”

• As you read the above, as general as maybe it is, what kinds of thoughts and feelings did it stir up in you?
• Rewrite what you read above into your story. You can keep it brief or you can include a few details; that’s up to you. Write about how you manage to handle things.
• On the surface, what do you think you can be doing to manage things better? What will it take to “manage” just fine?
• Look again at the anecdote above. What can you say about what the man had control over?
• What did he say that indicated a lack, or even absence, of control?
• Looking again at your story, what would you say you were or are in control over?
• What would you admit are outside of your control?
• What did you leave out of your story that is outside of your control, or just plain out of control?

If you want to read a story of a man who thought he was in control as the King of Israel, read 2 Samuel about the life of King David. For this lesson, let’s focus on David’s pursuit of Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba.

David and Bathsheba

11 In the spring of the year, when kings normally go out to war, David sent Joab and the Israelite army to fight the Ammonites. They destroyed the Ammonite army and laid siege to the city of Rabbah. However, David stayed behind in Jerusalem.

² Late one afternoon, after his midday rest, David got out of bed and was walking on the roof of the palace. As he looked out over the city, he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath. ³ He sent someone to find out who she was, and he was told, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” ⁴ Then David sent messengers to get her; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her. She had just completed the purification rites after having her menstrual period. Then she returned home. ⁵ Later, when Bathsheba discovered that she was pregnant, she sent David a message, saying, “I’m pregnant.”

⁶ Then David sent word to Joab: “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” So Joab sent him to David. ⁷ When Uriah arrived, David asked him how Joab and the army were getting along and how the war was progressing.⁸ Then he told Uriah, “Go on home and relax.” David even sent a gift to Uriah after he had left the palace. ⁹ But Uriah didn’t go home. He slept that night at the palace entrance with the king’s palace guard.

¹⁰ When David heard that Uriah had not gone home, he summoned him and asked, “What’s the matter? Why didn’t you go home last night after being away for so long?”

¹¹ Uriah replied, “The Ark and the armies of Israel and Judah are living in tents, and Joab and my master’s men are camping in the open fields. How could I go home to wine and dine and sleep with my wife? I swear that I would never do such a thing.”

¹² “Well, stay here today,” David told him, “and tomorrow you may return to the army.” So Uriah stayed in Jerusalem that day and the next. ¹³ Then David invited him to dinner and got him drunk. But even then he couldn’t get Uriah to go home to his wife. Again he slept at the palace entrance with the king’s palace guard.

David Arranges for Uriah’s Death

¹⁴ So the next morning David wrote a letter to Joab and gave it to Uriah to deliver. ¹⁵ The letter instructed Joab, “Station Uriah on the front lines where the battle is fiercest. Then pull back so that he will be killed.” ¹⁶ So Joab assigned Uriah to a spot close to the city wall where he knew the enemy’s strongest men were fighting. ¹⁷ And when the enemy soldiers came out of the city to fight, Uriah the Hittite was killed along with several other Israelite soldiers.

¹⁸ Then Joab sent a battle report to David. ¹⁹ He told his messenger, “Report all the news of the battle to the king. ²⁰ But he might get angry and ask, ‘Why did the troops go so close to the city? Didn’t they know there would be shooting from the walls? ²¹ Wasn’t Abimelech son of Gideon killed at Thebez by a woman who threw a millstone down on him from the wall? Why would you get so close to the wall?’ Then tell him, ‘Uriah the Hittite was killed, too.’”

²² So the messenger went to Jerusalem and gave a complete report to David. ²³ “The enemy came out against us in the open fields,” he said. “And as we chased them back to the city gate, ²⁴ the archers on the wall shot arrows at us. Some of the king’s men were killed, including Uriah the Hittite.”

²⁵ “Well, tell Joab not to be discouraged,” David said. “The sword devours this one today and that one tomorrow! Fight harder next time, and conquer the city!”

²⁶ When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. ²⁷ When the period of mourning was over, David sent for her and brought her to the palace, and she became one of his wives. Then she gave birth to a son. But the Lord was displeased with what David had done.

• What would you say David believed was within his control?
• List and describe what things you would say proved to be outside of David’s control?
• Describe how things completely when out of control?
• How did what David thought was within his control end up being irrational and unrealistic?
• If you did read the rest of 2nd Samuel, what appears to be the consequences of David’s life gone mad; out of control?
• Again, if you did read the rest of 2nd Samuel, at what point would you say that David admitted he was not in control? When would you say that David surrendered control over to the care of God? Explain.

Hint: If you read 2 Samuel 13, you have a pretty good idea how things unraveled for David.

2 Samuel 13 (NLT)

The Rape of Tamar

1 Now David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar. And Amnon, her half brother, fell desperately in love with her. 2 Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar that he became ill. She was a virgin, and Amnon thought he could never have her.

3 But Amnon had a very crafty friend—his cousin Jonadab. He was the son of David’s brother Shimea. 4 One day Jonadab said to Amnon, “What’s the trouble? Why should the son of a king look so dejected morning after morning?”

So Amnon told him, “I am in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”

5 “Well,” Jonadab said, “I’ll tell you what to do. Go back to bed and pretend you are ill. When your father comes to see you, ask him to let Tamar come and prepare some food for you. Tell him you’ll feel better if she prepares it as you watch and feeds you with her own hands.”

6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be sick. And when the king came to see him, Amnon asked him, “Please let my sister Tamar come and cook my favorite dish as I watch. Then I can eat it from her own hands.” 7 So David agreed and sent Tamar to Amnon’s house to prepare some food for him.

8 When Tamar arrived at Amnon’s house, she went to the place where he was lying down so he could watch her mix some dough. Then she baked his favorite dish for him. 9 But when she set the serving tray before him, he refused to eat. “Everyone get out of here,” Amnon told his servants. So they all left.

10 Then he said to Tamar, “Now bring the food into my bedroom and feed it to me here.” So Tamar took his favorite dish to him. 11 But as she was feeding him, he grabbed her and demanded, “Come to bed with me, my darling sister.”

12 “No, my brother!” she cried. “Don’t be foolish! Don’t do this to me! Such wicked things aren’t done in Israel. 13 Where could I go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel. Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me.”

14 But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her. 15 Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. “Get out of here!” he snarled at her.

16 “No, no!” Tamar cried. “Sending me away now is worse than what you’ve already done to me.”

But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her. 17 He shouted for his servant and demanded, “Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!”

18 So the servant put her out and locked the door behind her. She was wearing a long, beautiful robe, as was the custom in those days for the king’s virgin daughters. 19 But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying.

20 Her brother Absalom saw her and asked, “Is it true that Amnon has been with you? Well, my sister, keep quiet for now, since he’s your brother. Don’t you worry about it.” So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom’s house.

21 When King David heard what had happened, he was very angry. 22 And though Absalom never spoke to Amnon about this, he hated Amnon deeply because of what he had done to his sister.

Absalom’s Revenge on Amnon

23 Two years later, when Absalom’s sheep were being sheared at Baal-hazor near Ephraim, Absalom invited all the king’s sons to come to a feast. 24 He went to the king and said, “My sheep-shearers are now at work. Would the king and his servants please come to celebrate the occasion with me?”

25 The king replied, “No, my son. If we all came, we would be too much of a burden on you.” Absalom pressed him, but the king would not come, though he gave Absalom his blessing.

26 “Well, then,” Absalom said, “if you can’t come, how about sending my brother Amnon with us?”

“Why Amnon?” the king asked. 27 But Absalom kept on pressing the king until he finally agreed to let all his sons attend, including Amnon. So Absalom prepared a feast fit for a king.

28 Absalom told his men, “Wait until Amnon gets drunk; then at my signal, kill him! Don’t be afraid. I’m the one who has given the command. Take courage and do it!” 29 So at Absalom’s signal they murdered Amnon. Then the other sons of the king jumped on their mules and fled.

30 As they were on the way back to Jerusalem, this report reached David: “Absalom has killed all the king’s sons; not one is left alive!” 31 The king got up, tore his robe, and threw himself on the ground. His advisers also tore their clothes in horror and sorrow.

32 But just then Jonadab, the son of David’s brother Shimea, arrived and said, “No, don’t believe that all the king’s sons have been killed! It was only Amnon! Absalom has been plotting this ever since Amnon raped his sister Tamar. 33 No, my lord the king, your sons aren’t all dead! It was only Amnon.” 34 Meanwhile Absalom escaped.

Then the watchman on the Jerusalem wall saw a great crowd coming down the hill on the road from the west. He ran to tell the king, “I see a crowd of people coming from the Horonaim road along the side of the hill.”

35 “Look!” Jonadab told the king. “There they are now! The king’s sons are coming, just as I said.”

36 They soon arrived, weeping and sobbing, and the king and all his servants wept bitterly with them. 37 And David mourned many days for his son Amnon.

Absalom fled to his grandfather, Talmai son of Ammihud, the king of Geshur. 38 He stayed there in Geshur for three years. 39 And King David, now reconciled to Amnon’s death, longed to be reunited with his son Absalom.

2 Samuel 15 (NLT)

Absalom’s Rebellion

1 After this, Absalom bought a chariot and horses, and he hired fifty bodyguards to run ahead of him. 2 He got up early every morning and went out to the gate of the city. When people brought a case to the king for judgment, Absalom would ask where in Israel they were from, and they would tell him their tribe. 3 Then Absalom would say, “You’ve really got a strong case here! It’s too bad the king doesn’t have anyone to hear it. 4 I wish I were the judge. Then everyone could bring their cases to me for judgment, and I would give them justice!”

5 When people tried to bow before him, Absalom wouldn’t let them. Instead, he took them by the hand and kissed them. 6 Absalom did this with everyone who came to the king for judgment, and so he stole the hearts of all the people of Israel.

7 After four years, Absalom said to the king, “Let me go to Hebron to offer a sacrifice to the Lord and fulfill a vow I made to him. 8 For while your servant was at Geshur in Aram, I promised to sacrifice to the Lord in Hebron if he would bring me back to Jerusalem.”

9 “All right,” the king told him. “Go and fulfill your vow.”

So Absalom went to Hebron. 10 But while he was there, he sent secret messengers to all the tribes of Israel to stir up a rebellion against the king. “As soon as you hear the ram’s horn,” his message read, “you are to say, ‘Absalom has been crowned king in Hebron.’” 11 He took 200 men from Jerusalem with him as guests, but they knew nothing of his intentions. 12 While Absalom was offering the sacrifices, he sent for Ahithophel, one of David’s counselors who lived in Giloh. Soon many others also joined Absalom, and the conspiracy gained momentum.

David Escapes from Jerusalem

13 A messenger soon arrived in Jerusalem to tell David, “All Israel has joined Absalom in a conspiracy against you!”

14 “Then we must flee at once, or it will be too late!” David urged his men. “Hurry! If we get out of the city before Absalom arrives, both we and the city of Jerusalem will be spared from disaster.”

15 “We are with you,” his advisers replied. “Do what you think is best.”

16 So the king and all his household set out at once. He left no one behind except ten of his concubines to look after the palace. 17 The king and all his people set out on foot, pausing at the last house 18 to let all the king’s men move past to lead the way. There were 600 men from Gath who had come with David, along with the king’s bodyguard.

19 Then the king turned and said to Ittai, a leader of the men from Gath, “Why are you coming with us? Go on back to King Absalom, for you are a guest in Israel, a foreigner in exile. 20 You arrived only recently, and should I force you today to wander with us? I don’t even know where we will go. Go on back and take your kinsmen with you, and may the Lord show you his unfailing love and faithfulness.”

21 But Ittai said to the king, “I vow by the Lord and by your own life that I will go wherever my lord the king goes, no matter what happens—whether it means life or death.”

22 David replied, “All right, come with us.” So Ittai and all his men and their families went along.

23 Everyone cried loudly as the king and his followers passed by. They crossed the Kidron Valley and then went out toward the wilderness.

24 Zadok and all the Levites also came along, carrying the Ark of the Covenant of God. They set down the Ark of God, and Abiathar offered sacrifices until everyone had passed out of the city.

25 Then the king instructed Zadok to take the Ark of God back into the city. “If the Lord sees fit,” David said, “he will bring me back to see the Ark and the Tabernacle again. 26 But if he is through with me, then let him do what seems best to him.”

27 The king also told Zadok the priest, “Look, here is my plan. You and Abiathar should return quietly to the city with your son Ahimaaz and Abiathar’s son Jonathan. 28 I will stop at the shallows of the Jordan River and wait there for a report from you.” 29 So Zadok and Abiathar took the Ark of God back to the city and stayed there.

30 David walked up the road to the Mount of Olives, weeping as he went. His head was covered and his feet were bare as a sign of mourning. And the people who were with him covered their heads and wept as they climbed the hill. 31 When someone told David that his adviser Ahithophel was now backing Absalom, David prayed, “O Lord, let Ahithophel give Absalom foolish advice!”

32 When David reached the summit of the Mount of Olives where people worshiped God, Hushai the Arkite was waiting there for him. Hushai had torn his clothing and put dirt on his head as a sign of mourning. 33 But David told him, “If you go with me, you will only be a burden. 34 Return to Jerusalem and tell Absalom, ‘I will now be your adviser, O king, just as I was your father’s adviser in the past.’ Then you can frustrate and counter Ahithophel’s advice. 35 Zadok and Abiathar, the priests, will be there. Tell them about the plans being made in the king’s palace, 36 and they will send their sons Ahimaaz and Jonathan to tell me what is going on.”

37 So David’s friend Hushai returned to Jerusalem, getting there just as Absalom arrived.

2 Samuel 18 (NLT)

Absalom’s Defeat and Death

1 David now mustered the men who were with him and appointed generals and captains to lead them. 2 He sent the troops out in three groups, placing one group under Joab, one under Joab’s brother Abishai son of Zeruiah, and one under Ittai, the man from Gath. The king told his troops, “I am going out with you.”

3 But his men objected strongly. “You must not go,” they urged. “If we have to turn and run—and even if half of us die—it will make no difference to Absalom’s troops; they will be looking only for you. You are worth 10,000 of us, and it is better that you stay here in the town and send help if we need it.”

4 “If you think that’s the best plan, I’ll do it,” the king answered. So he stood alongside the gate of the town as all the troops marched out in groups of hundreds and of thousands.

5 And the king gave this command to Joab, Abishai, and Ittai: “For my sake, deal gently with young Absalom.” And all the troops heard the king give this order to his commanders.

6 So the battle began in the forest of Ephraim, 7 and the Israelite troops were beaten back by David’s men. There was a great slaughter that day, and 20,000 men laid down their lives. 8 The battle raged all across the countryside, and more men died because of the forest than were killed by the sword.

9 During the battle, Absalom happened to come upon some of David’s men. He tried to escape on his mule, but as he rode beneath the thick branches of a great tree, his hair got caught in the tree. His mule kept going and left him dangling in the air. 10 One of David’s men saw what had happened and told Joab, “I saw Absalom dangling from a great tree.”

11 “What?” Joab demanded. “You saw him there and didn’t kill him? I would have rewarded you with ten pieces of silver and a hero’s belt!”

12 “I would not kill the king’s son for even a thousand pieces of silver,” the man replied to Joab. “We all heard the king say to you and Abishai and Ittai, ‘For my sake, please spare young Absalom.’ 13 And if I had betrayed the king by killing his son—and the king would certainly find out who did it—you yourself would be the first to abandon me.”

14 “Enough of this nonsense,” Joab said. Then he took three daggers and plunged them into Absalom’s heart as he dangled, still alive, in the great tree. 15 Ten of Joab’s young armor bearers then surrounded Absalom and killed him.

16 Then Joab blew the ram’s horn, and his men returned from chasing the army of Israel. 17 They threw Absalom’s body into a deep pit in the forest and piled a great heap of stones over it. And all Israel fled to their homes.

18 During his lifetime, Absalom had built a monument to himself in the King’s Valley, for he said, “I have no son to carry on my name.” He named the monument after himself, and it is known as Absalom’s Monument to this day.

David Mourns Absalom’s Death

19 Then Zadok’s son Ahimaaz said, “Let me run to the king with the good news that the Lord has rescued him from his enemies.”

20 “No,” Joab told him, “it wouldn’t be good news to the king that his son is dead. You can be my messenger another time, but not today.”

21 Then Joab said to a man from Ethiopia, “Go tell the king what you have seen.” The man bowed and ran off.

22 But Ahimaaz continued to plead with Joab, “Whatever happens, please let me go, too.”

“Why should you go, my son?” Joab replied. “There will be no reward for your news.”

23 “Yes, but let me go anyway,” he begged.

Joab finally said, “All right, go ahead.” So Ahimaaz took the less demanding route by way of the plain and ran to Mahanaim ahead of the Ethiopian.

24 While David was sitting between the inner and outer gates of the town, the watchman climbed to the roof of the gateway by the wall. As he looked, he saw a lone man running toward them. 25 He shouted the news down to David, and the king replied, “If he is alone, he has news.”

As the messenger came closer, 26 the watchman saw another man running toward them. He shouted down, “Here comes another one!”

The king replied, “He also will have news.”

27 “The first man runs like Ahimaaz son of Zadok,” the watchman said.

“He is a good man and comes with good news,” the king replied.

28 Then Ahimaaz cried out to the king, “Everything is all right!” He bowed before the king with his face to the ground and said, “Praise to the Lord your God, who has handed over the rebels who dared to stand against my lord the king.”

29 “What about young Absalom?” the king demanded. “Is he all right?”

Ahimaaz replied, “When Joab told me to come, there was a lot of commotion. But I didn’t know what was happening.”

30 “Wait here,” the king told him. So Ahimaaz stepped aside.

31 Then the man from Ethiopia arrived and said, “I have good news for my lord the king. Today the Lord has rescued you from all those who rebelled against you.”

32 “What about young Absalom?” the king demanded. “Is he all right?”

And the Ethiopian replied, “May all of your enemies, my lord the king, both now and in the future, share the fate of that young man!”

33 The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to the room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son.”

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (NLT)

In TWIRL 46 you were able to investigate the issues King David had with addictive behavior and how his life had spun out of control, to say the least. Here, let’s take a look at one more story of an Old Testament icon who attempted to take control of a situation beyond his control with historical ramifications.

Below is the story of Abraham (known as Abram at the outset of the story). On more than one occasion, Abram took it upon himself to use his guile to manage his circumstances rather than surrender control over to the will and care of God. There is a great deal of Scripture here for the purpose of pointing out Abraham’s flawed character even as a man of great faith.

Abram and Sarai in Egypt

¹⁰ At that time a severe famine struck the land of Canaan, forcing Abram to go down to Egypt, where he lived as a foreigner. ¹¹ As he was approaching the border of Egypt, Abram said to his wife, Sarai, “Look, you are a very beautiful woman. ¹² When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife. Let’s kill him; then we can have her!’ ¹³ So please tell them you are my sister. Then they will spare my life and treat me well because of their interest in you.”

¹⁴ And sure enough, when Abram arrived in Egypt, everyone noticed Sarai’s beauty. ¹⁵ When the palace officials saw her, they sang her praises to Pharaoh, their king, and Sarai was taken into his palace. ¹⁶ Then Pharaoh gave Abram many gifts because of her—sheep, goats, cattle, male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels.

¹⁷ But the Lord sent terrible plagues upon Pharaoh and his household because of Sarai, Abram’s wife.¹⁸ So Pharaoh summoned Abram and accused him sharply. “What have you done to me?” he demanded. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? ¹⁹ Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ and allow me to take her as my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and get out of here!”²⁰ Pharaoh ordered some of his men to escort them, and he sent Abram out of the country, along with his wife and all his possessions. Genesis 12:10-20 (NLT)

The Lord’s Covenant Promise to Abram

1 Some time later, the Lord spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, “Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great.”

² But Abram replied, “O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth. ³ You have given me no descendants of my own, so one of my servants will be my heir.”

⁴ Then the Lord said to him, “No, your servant will not be your heir, for you will have a son of your own who will be your heir.” ⁵ Then the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, “Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have!”

⁶ And Abram believed the Lord, and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith. Genesis 15:1-6 (NLT)

The Birth of Ishmael

1 Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had not been able to bear children for him. But she had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. ² So Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has prevented me from having children. Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.” And Abram agreed with Sarai’s proposal. ³ So Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian servant and gave her to Abram as a wife. (This happened ten years after Abram had settled in the land of Canaan.)

⁴ So Abram had sexual relations with Hagar, and she became pregnant. But when Hagar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress, Sarai, with contempt. ⁵ Then Sarai said to Abram, “This is all your fault! I put my servant into your arms, but now that she’s pregnant she treats me with contempt. The Lord will show who’s wrong—you or me!”

⁶ Abram replied, “Look, she is your servant, so deal with her as you see fit.” Then Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she finally ran away.

⁷ The angel of the Lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. ⁸ The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?”

“I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied.

⁹ The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority.” ¹⁰ Then he added, “I will give you more descendants than you can count.”

¹¹ And the angel also said, “You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means ‘God hears’), for the Lord has heard your cry of distress. ¹² This son of yours will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will raise his fist against everyone, and everyone will be against him. Yes, he will live in open hostility against all his relatives.”

¹³ Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?” ¹⁴ So that well was named Beer-lahai-roi (which means “well of the Living One who sees me”). It can still be found between Kadesh and Bered.

¹⁵ So Hagar gave Abram a son, and Abram named him Ishmael. ¹⁶ Abram was eighty-six years old when Ishmael was born. Genesis 16:1-16 (NLT)

A Son Is Promised to Sarah

1 The Lord appeared again to Abraham near the oak grove belonging to Mamre. One day Abraham was sitting at the entrance to his tent during the hottest part of the day. ² He looked up and noticed three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he ran to meet them and welcomed them, bowing low to the ground.

⁹ “Where is Sarah, your wife?” the visitors asked.

“She’s inside the tent,” Abraham replied.

¹⁰ Then one of them said, “I will return to you about this time next year, and your wife, Sarah, will have a son!”

Sarah was listening to this conversation from the tent. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were both very old by this time, and Sarah was long past the age of having children. ¹² So she laughed silently to herself and said, “How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master—my husband—is also so old?”

¹³ Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Why did she say, ‘Can an old woman like me have a baby?’ ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

¹⁵ Sarah was afraid, so she denied it, saying, “I didn’t laugh.” But the Lord said, “No, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:1-2, 9-15 (NLT)

Abraham Deceives Abimelech

1 Abraham moved south to the Negev and lived for a while between Kadesh and Shur, and then he moved on to Gerar. While living there as a foreigner, ² Abraham introduced his wife, Sarah, by saying, “She is my sister.” So King Abimelech of Gerar sent for Sarah and had her brought to him at his palace.

³ But that night God came to Abimelech in a dream and told him, “You are a dead man, for that woman you have taken is already married!”

⁴ But Abimelech had not slept with her yet, so he said, “Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation?⁵ Didn’t Abraham tell me, ‘She is my sister’? And she herself said, ‘Yes, he is my brother.’ I acted in complete innocence! My hands are clean.”

⁶ In the dream God responded, “Yes, I know you are innocent. That’s why I kept you from sinning against me, and why I did not let you touch her. ⁷ Now return the woman to her husband, and he will pray for you, for he is a prophet. Then you will live. But if you don’t return her to him, you can be sure that you and all your people will die.”

⁸ Abimelech got up early the next morning and quickly called all his servants together. When he told them what had happened, his men were terrified. ⁹ Then Abimelech called for Abraham. “What have you done to us?” he demanded. “What crime have I committed that deserves treatment like this, making me and my kingdom guilty of this great sin? No one should ever do what you have done! ¹⁰ Whatever possessed you to do such a thing?” Genesis 20:1-10 (NLT)

The Birth of Isaac

1 The Lord kept his word and did for Sarah exactly what he had promised. ² She became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son for Abraham in his old age. This happened at just the time God had said it would. ³ And Abraham named their son Isaac. ⁴ Eight days after Isaac was born, Abraham circumcised him as God had commanded. ⁵ Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born.

⁶ And Sarah declared, “God has brought me laughter. All who hear about this will laugh with me.⁷ Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse a baby? Yet I have given Abraham a son in his old age!”

Hagar and Ishmael Are Sent Away

⁸ When Isaac grew up and was about to be weaned, Abraham prepared a huge feast to celebrate the occasion. ⁹ But Sarah saw Ishmael—the son of Abraham and her Egyptian servant Hagar—making fun of her son, Isaac. ¹⁰ So she turned to Abraham and demanded, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son. He is not going to share the inheritance with my son, Isaac. I won’t have it!”

¹¹ This upset Abraham very much because Ishmael was his son. ¹² But God told Abraham, “Do not be upset over the boy and your servant. Do whatever Sarah tells you, for Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. ¹³ But I will also make a nation of the descendants of Hagar’s son because he is your son, too.”

¹⁴ So Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba.

¹⁵ When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. ¹⁶ Then she went and sat down by herself about a hundred yards away. “I don’t want to watch the boy die,” she said, as she burst into tears.

¹⁷ But God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “Hagar, what’s wrong? Do not be afraid! God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. ¹⁸ Go to him and comfort him, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”

¹⁹ Then God opened Hagar’s eyes, and she saw a well full of water. She quickly filled her water container and gave the boy a drink.

²⁰ And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skillful archer, ²¹ and he settled in the wilderness of Paran. His mother arranged for him to marry a woman from the land of Egypt. Genesis 21:1-20 (NLT)

Wow! Not that I wouldn’t have panicked the way Abraham did as time seemed to continue on forever waiting for God to make good on His promise, but for the man with the reputation for having unwavering faith, Abraham certainly committed enough time to manipulating and circumventing the promise of God on his life.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

• Irrational behavior is that which is repeated despite negative adverse results. It is behavior that has proven to be unhealthy and dysfunctional and at risk for chaotic ramifications. To continue in the behavior does not make sense and is therefore irrational. What would you say was irrational, unhealthy, and not all that sensible about how Abraham attempted to manage his issues and maintain control?
• What might you say was Abraham’s thinking and how was his thought process irrational? What do you think Abraham concluded about God’s promise of a son that led to disbelief about the promise and fed into irrational belief that he could manage the situation on his own rather than trust God fully?
• If you connect Abraham to some kind of anxiety meter that scored his anxiety between 0 and 100, how anxious do you think Abraham was when he lied to protect his wife and essentially committed adultery to hasten God’s promise of a son?
• If this was your story how would it go? How have you attempted to manage situations, circumstances, problems, and relationship conflicts on your own? Please compile a thorough list and be specific about what you did to try to manage and maintain control?
• Write down at least three things in your life that if you were to lose control would result in catastrophic failure.
• Describe why each of these three things demand that you be in control.
• For each thing in your life that you listed as requiring that you maintain control, write a one-sentence statement that begins, “I believe I deserve…” These are your beliefs of what you must obtain and maintain control of.
• For each thing in your life that you listed, explain how your belief statement might be considered less than sensible and irrational for that matter.
• If you were connected to some kind of anxiety meter that scored your anxiety between 0 and 100, how anxious do you think you become when things don’t seem to be going your way or according to your timing?
• For each explanation of why your statements are irrational, write an explanation that radically challenges your irrational beliefs.
• For each explanation, write a one-sentence statement as radical challenges that you can commit to prayer as an act of surrender to Him who can rearrange your irrational thoughts and beliefs.
• How do you think your anxiety levels will improve trusting God, surrendering your will to His control?
• How specifically can you pray for God to empower you to let go of what you don’t have control over anyway? For each radical challenge write a simple prayer of empowerment.
• Finally, take the time to pray.

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NLT)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

Keep this in mind the next time you say The Serenity Prayer. When you pray, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference… Amen” you are admitting that you lack acceptance, courage, and wisdom. The most important words in the prayer are “God grant me…” verifying that you are not God and you need His favor. The word “Amen” means “let it be so” or “so be it”. There is more to the prayer before “Amen” but when you say “Amen” after asking for God to do for you and in you what you cannot do for yourself, you are declaring that you have decided to let go of what you cannot control anyway and you’re turning your will and life over to the care and plan of God since you believe He can and will “grant you…” if you let Him.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5 (NIV)

“Who can know the Lord’s thoughts?
Who knows enough to teach him?”
But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:16 (NLT)