Letting Go: The Isaac Principle

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

The problem of addiction to sin and its underlying selfish ambition is that our addictions are the product of idolizing and therefore worshiping self. This is the MEdom condition each of us find ourselves in. MEdom is my addiction to me. The human tragedy of MEdom is that we are so arrogant and sick in our addiction to self that we build an altar to our addiction as part of the worship ritual, routine, habit, or what ever you choose to call it. On the altar built to “satisfy” our god of addiction, are things most precious to us. We will place our families – our children – on the altar of addiction as a burnt offering to this god. At the prison I work at the men have even placed their freedom on the altar of their addiction to be sacrificed along with their families.

You worship your idols with great passion
beneath the oaks and under every green tree.
You sacrifice your children down in the valleys,
among the jagged rocks in the cliffs.
Your gods are the smooth stones in the valleys.
You worship them with liquid offerings and grain offerings.

Let’s see if your idols can save you
when you cry to them for help.
Why, a puff of wind can knock them down!
If you just breathe on them, they fall over!
But whoever trusts in me will inherit the land
and possess my holy mountain.”

God says, “Rebuild the road!
Clear away the rocks and stones
so my people can return from captivity.”
The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,
the Holy One, says this:
“I live in the high and holy place
with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.
I restore the crushed spirit of the humble
and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts. Isaiah 57:5-6, 13-15 (NLT)

We are blessed to be given another chance at freedom since God replaced our sacrifice with that of His very begotten Son to be the sacrifice for sin once and for all. What a gracious and generous gift. So, what’s the catch? The catch is that He leaves it up to us to tear down the altar we have built to honor the god of self, the false god we have erected before Almighty God. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to reject the gift of God’s Son Jesus in favor of our selfish sin addiction. And yet we do. Unbelievable, isn’t it. But true. God gives us a way out so that we won’t to sacrifice any more since our sacrifice is insufficient anyway. All we have to do is let go of the distractions. Abraham also was given a substitute for sacrifice but he had to be willing to let go of his promised Isaac to receive the greater promise.

Abraham of the Old Testament had finally received the blessing of the promised son. He had toiled for years, agonizing over the unmet expectation he had that God would make it possible for Abraham’s barren wife Sarah to become pregnant fulfilling God’s promise. At one point, Abraham compromised waiting for God’s promise, and ventured on his own at the request of his wife, Sarah, to lay down with his wife’s Egyptian maidservant Hagar. Abraham came to believe that this was necessary to have the promised son from Almighty God through Hagar to carry on his family’s legacy. Apparently, what God intended was that Abraham commit adultery to fulfill the will of God. At least, that’s how Abraham played it out in his mind to justify hastening the blessing of the promised son. Okay, maybe legally it wasn’t adultery since Sarah declared that Hagar become Abraham’s wife. Let’s see how that worked itself out.

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had not been able to bear children for him. But she had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. So Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has prevented me from having children. Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.” And Abram agreed with Sarai’s proposal. So Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian servant and gave her to Abram as a wife.

So Abram had sexual relations with Hagar, and she became pregnant. But when Hagar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress, Sarai, with contempt. Then Sarai said to Abram, “This is all your fault! I put my servant into your arms, but now that she’s pregnant she treats me with contempt. The Lord will show who’s wrong—you or me!” Abram replied, “Look, she is your servant, so deal with her as you see fit.” Then Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she finally ran away. Genesis 16:1-6 (NLT)

Hagar did indeed have a son who we know to be Ishmael. Abraham’s choice to be with Hagar was about going his own way—his clever idea to carry out the willful purpose and plan of God, independent of God. His choice still carries severe consequences to this day as the root of the violent ongoing conflict in the Middle East. Abraham’s unwillingness to wait on the promise in the plan of God was due to his selfish desires and motivations. He too fell prey to the MEdom urge and craving to for instant gratification. Abraham in his haste may have delayed the plan of God. Abraham’s son Isaac, the promised son of God, would be born from Sarah some fifteen years later.

Abraham was then reminded by God who his son belonged to. According to the story in Genesis 22, Abraham was ordered to bring his son Isaac to the mountainous region of Moriah to prepare an offering to be sacrificed unto God. At one point young Isaac even got curious and asked, “Where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham told Isaac that God would provide it. Then, once the altar was built, Isaac was bound and laid onto the altar to be sacrificed. Just then, the Angel of the Lord called out to Abraham and presented to him the lamb that was to be sacrificed instead of Isaac. It would be through Isaac’s son Jacob that the nation of Israel would be born.

This was an exercise in letting go and committing to recovery God’s way. God did not change his mind about Isaac. The human sacrifice of Isaac was never God’s intention. Abraham needed to learn that everything is God’s. All that Abraham possessed was given to him by God. God is in authority and control and has the power over everything. We must learn this as well. It is not that God merely claims everything; it is all his, period. God, on the other hand wants so much to freely give to us all that is his. When God then does bless us, we have a tendency to give way to sin and patterns of sinful behavior, therefore, corrupting and perverting the provisional blessings and prosperity of God. Each time this sequence occurs, we’re in trouble. Overwhelmed by the selfish ambitious nature as human beings, our lives get complicated. Abraham’s life became difficult as well as he became impatient in his faith in God to provide and did things his own way. Abraham needed to let go of his desire for a son and let God do rightly what only God can do rightly. When God does a thing it is the best thing.

Abraham did come to a place where he was willing to be completely obedient to the will of God and was willing to the point of sacrificing the son that had been promised to him. He taught Isaac well and even Isaac (who had grown up) was complicit in obediently serving the will of the Lord to the point of humbly laying down his ambitious wants and needs. He (Jesus) carried the wood on his back that would become the would he would be laid out on as the son sacrificed by the father.

To more fully appreciate what went into Abraham’s obedience to the point of sacrificing his promised son to be fully obedient to the call and plan of God, please view this video.

The Fatal Place from Elevation Church

Abraham and Isaac humbly sacrificed everything in obedience to the will of God. Isaac would not have to give up his life. Is it possible that part of the logic in testing Abraham’s unwavering obedience was the disappointment of Abraham and Sarah’s disobedience that led to the birth of Ishmael? It’s what evoked confusion and division regarding the state of Israel. Abraham would prove himself worthy of the blessing as the father of nations. God provided the blood sacrificed to Abraham and Isaac as atonement for sin and an expression of worship.

Atonement for sin requires a blood sacrifice. God would again provide the sacrifice, this time for you and for me when it came time for us to be sacrificed on the alter for our sin. Jesus carried the wood on his back to be laid out upon that wood as the necessary sacrifice so that we would be spared. Even for God to become flesh in the person of Jesus required sacrifice. God would let go of His precious son and Jesus would let go of who He was as God to fully experience His humanity in order to suffer tragically on the cross and in the grave. The sacrifice by Abraham of Isaac was prophetic to what God would do when we needed Him most.

Why is it so difficult to let go of an irrational belief of entitlement that opens the door for God to bless and prosperous as we get to experience His good pleasure? Central to receiving the prosperity of God’s grace is the act of surrender. It may go against certain sensibilities to let go as the condition to get back, but it is the promise and premise of a healthy fruitful life in relationship with Jesus Christ.

What or who is your Isaac, today? Your Isaac might be your spouse and your children. Your Isaac might be your home, your job, your finances, and your health. It might be all that satisfies you in this life. It might be all that you yearn for in the flesh as well as all you need and desire in the spirit. It might be all of your ups and your downs. It might be all that strengthens you and all that weakens you. It might be in your laughter and your tears. Your Isaac can be any of it and all of it. Your Isaac is all that has value and worth to you. Your Isaac comes from God and belongs to God. Are you willing to let it go voluntarily in your service and obedience to God in your recovery, or will you put it on God to put your willingness to let go to the test?

Will you build an altar before the throne of grace where Christ is and offer him all that you care about? It’s all His anyway. Jesus died to free us from all that binds us, but we have taken quite a bit if it back. Offer him your body, heart, soul, and mind. Offer yourself to God as a sacrifice to be used by him to accomplish his purposeful plans for your life today.

Let go, since you have no authority over any of it anyway, and let God take care of it all. He will provide the lamb. He will make a way. Give God your husband, your wife. Give God your kids. Give God your home and your career. Give God your health and the health of your family. Is it better off in your care or his care? As you surrender it all unto him, you can trust him to direct you onto the best path for you, your family, and everything you hold dear.

Power of the Least Interested Party… When Love Isn’t Fair

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

Ever wonder why it seems someone usually has the upper hand in a relationship? Between spouses? Between friends? Between teacher and student, employer and employee? Between parents and their children? Who has the upper hand in a relationship with God?

Before there is a debate about who has the power in the relationship (You know, the false humility discussion when he says, “You’re the one in control, babe” and she says, “Come on, really, it’s totally you, dear”) let’s ask and answer the question. Who has the power… the control? Who typically concedes their position in a heated discussion or conflict? Who usually apologizes first? Who concedes the remote control when both are watching television? This is the one conceding the power and control to the one with the power and control. Who usually gets their way when push comes to shove? The one with the power and control.

It still might not be an open and shut case. It might seem that the power in the relationship gets handed over, depending on the time, the place, and the issue at hand. So let’s get into it.

First of all, love really isn’t fair, is it? But that is the thing about sincere love. Sincere love does not seek to have the advantage. Sincere love doesn’t have to be right. It doesn’t keep score. Sincere love declares that, “I love you and you will know it because my love for you is an action that does not require an equal reaction.”

Unfortunately, in most if not all relationships, “I love you because of how I feel loving you.” Really what that means is, “I love me and I love you for what you do for me.” Therefore, my love for you is conditional on the satisfaction I experience in the relationship. When you do not meet my actions and expressions of love with equal or greater actions and expressions of love, I am disappointed. Maybe I am angry and/or hurt. Perhaps I feel betrayed and/or rejected.

Please allow me to say it again: I love me and I love you for what you do for me. I love from a sense of entitlement; deserving of reciprocation and gratification. Love is naturally corrupted by selfishness. So I need the love of God coursing through my being in order to sincerely love someone. Then I can be genuinely compassionate. Then my extension of mercy and grace to another is authentic. So long as I am selfish and not holding every thought captive unto obedience to God in my relationship with Christ, I will continue to want and pursue my own way, which will naturally promote power struggles angling for leverage in my relationships; not excluding my relationship with God.

The Power of the Least Interested Party principle suggests that the person in the relationship who is even a little bit less interested or invested has the leverage (at least the majority of the leverage) in the relationship. The theory suggests that both parties are interested and both even highly invested, but that the one just a little bit less invested ultimately has the power and the leverage in the relationship; and there is the sense that someone tends to be in control, is usually considered to be right since the one most interested tends to give in, accommodate, placate, and so on, to the one in charge of things.

Think about it like this: A noticeably effective employee may in actuality have leverage against their employer because it is clear that, “You need me more than I need you.” The talented star employee can take their services anywhere and be effective. The problem with “marrying up” to someone who is soooooo good lookin’ or who possesses the lion’s share of the resources and wealth is that they tend to know it and understand it and use it to their advantage even though it would still break their heart to lose you. However, the context of the relationship is such that the principle of the power of the least interested party is at work as long as it is allowed to be. It typically is not done consciously or with malicious intent, rather it’s something that just is, like the law of gravity just is. You don’t see it or really think about it but you live subject to it, unable to defy it.

The person that tends to have the leverage in the relationship is typically identified as stronger and more assertive, and then the most interested party will trend toward yielding control and be identified as the weaker partner and passive. Not wanting to rock the boat and spoil the peace, in order to avoid the escalation of anxiety and tension in the relationship, the more emotionally invested party will passively take it, and take it, and take it some more, until what… until he or she cannot take it anymore and then… kaboom! What was passive behavior becomes, not just assertive reactive behavior, but it becomes aggressive. It is as though it becomes not unlike a competition of sorts as though the aggressive behavior is compensating for all of the passivity preceding it. The term for it is passive-aggressive, which you have likely heard of.

This pattern of passive-aggressive behavior in relationship is unhealthy and proves to be most dysfunctional. Passive-aggressive behavior is played out by both partners and if unchanged is a relationship killer. The relationship takes on a life of its own whether it is healthy or quite sick. The passive-aggressive relationship needs help in order to heal. Counseling can be good and it needs to be redirected toward and centered on Christ and godly principles to get right again.

I suppose one exception of the Power of the Least Interested Party principle might be a parent’s love for the child. The love a parent has for her child is usually unconditional and sacrificial. We love our children no matter what. But what happens as our children grow older, think more critically and independently, develop a mind of their own, and not necessarily sharing every value of the parent? Who becomes the least interested party in the relationship? Well, the growing up child is less interested, recognizing that he or she has seized emotional leverage from the parent, and wittingly uses this leverage to the utmost advantage. I suppose kids can be cruel that way, though usually not mature enough to comprehend it as cruel.

(Of course, there are exceptions. There are self-absorbed parents that are neglectful, abusive, and many who do not seem to be aware that their children even exist and have lives with individual needs and dreams. This is especially cruel and, dare I say, evil. Alcoholic and drug-addicted parents that have yielded control over to their drink and drug of choice wouldn’t say that they have emotional leverage over their children. In those cases the addiction has the leverage and needs to be eradicated before these families can begin to recover from severe dysfunction.)

An example of a grown-up child asserting a sense of power in relationship with his parent is the story of the prodigal son’s relationship with his father in Luke chapter 15, and it is the story of Father God’s love for you and me. Yet, in both of these relationships, while the love of the Father is unconditional, the relationship is absolutely conditional. Conditional on what? While the prodigal son and a sinner like me have both been afforded the option of leaving the relationship to do our own thing our own way, the loving Father exercises His option to let me go. While authentic healthy love is unconditional and forgiving, authentic healthy relationship, while forgiving and much to my chagrin, is conditional.

Should my children leave the security of my care into a willfully destructive lifestyle, I can enable them by continually rescuing them, or I can allow them to fall, even crash land, if you will, hoping they will be motivated to change. That is really tough and difficult since they might die or suffer irreparable harm. But like the father of the prodigal son, my Heavenly Father allows me to leave. He allows me to fall, even crash land onto something hard. He even allowed His begotten Son to leave. Jesus left heaven and suffered and died. Not because He rebelled against His Father—after all, He is God. But because I rebelled against the Father. It can be said that as he suffered on the cross, and for three days anguished in condemnation for my selfish disobedient recklessness, his Father let him go. And should I choose to reject being in relationship with my Heavenly Father, He will let me go; not at all out of spite or because He doesn’t love me, but because He respects my ability to choose according to my will.

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.” All that are in hell, choose it.”
—C.S. Lewis

While this theory about leverage and control in relationships is in fact alive and kicking, it is not love as God intended it for us.

If I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:2-7, 13 (NLT)

We are given this precept from the Word of God about authentic sincere love. “It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out.” Love is interested in truth. What is truth? Truth is that right is right and good is good. When the father of the returning prodigal son showed him compassion and generosity from a heart of love it was right and good. When Joseph showed his brothers (who had committed him to years of slavery out of hearts bitter with jealousy) mercy and providence from a heart of love it was right and good. When this love is at work in relationship there is nothing to fear. This love is an invitation. It is embracing and engaging. It is compassionate and compelling. It is genuinely affectionate and attractive.

God in his infinite power, bounty, wisdom, and authority should be the least interested party in relationship with me but love isn’t fair. He has it all and I have nothing, despite my lies to myself to the contrary. God owns it all. He is the creator of it all. He gives it all life and purpose, yet…

Are you ready for it?

I have the power in the relationship. Though I am an invisible speck in the universe, I have the power – the leverage – in this relationship between God and me. I am the least interested party in this relationship. God has invested everything including His Son. How is it possible that I am less interested when I on my own have nothing and He has everything? Even Jesus recognized this truth.

Jesus said emphatically,
“I can do nothing on my own. I judge as God tells me. Therefore, my judgment is just, because I carry out the will of the one who sent me, not my own will.” John 5:30 (NLT)   

Substitute the word ‘love’ for the words ‘judge’ and ‘judgment’ and you really get a sense for the heart of God and of Christ in His love for us, as well as His purpose for us. It would go like this: “I can do nothing on my own. I love as God tells me. Therefore, my love is just, because I carry out the will of the one who sent me, not my own will.” Wow! What if I could love like that?

So why is it that I can be the least interested party in this relationship that is a matter of life and death? It is my life at stake, yet I care less in the relationship than He does. It is less important to me. It must be. God has put everything into the relationship; all of Himself. He gave His life for me. Why am I so unwilling to invest all of me into the relationship? Why? Perhaps because I am like Thomas and the disciples of Jesus before their eyes were fully open about what they were witnessing in the resurrected Savior. I do not fully believe since I have not fully seen with eyes half shut the full and complete truth about God, who is Jesus, and His relationship with me. If I saw and understood God fully it would change everything. I wouldn’t be able to do anything but fall to my knees in worship to the King of kings and Lord of lords. (Measured Faith (Belief Enough) speaks to this problem; this condition)

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (NLT)

From my perspective on life and the world, God’s love for me certainly isn’t fair, to Him that is. And yet, He declares profoundly that it is faithful and just to reconcile Himself back into relationship with me. My love for Him is selfish. I am so entitled in my flesh. My love for Him is conditional, if I am really honest about it. I have committed adultery against God time and time again. I worship idols in my world daily… hourly, serving my own interests. God’s love for me is pure. His love for me is unconditional. His love for me is sacrificial. God’s love for me is precious to Him and treasured by Him every second of every day. His Word says that He is jealous for me in hot pursuit of me, standing at the door of every room of my heart and pounding on it. I cannot not even begin to comprehend that from God’s perspective His love for me, and for you, is fair and just since His love for me and for you is the love of God coursing through His being. As the song says, “Amazing love, how can it be?”

What do I do with that? What do you do with it? Accept it and rejoice. Today is the day the Lord has made. Rejoice and be glad in it.

“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less. I don’t need to notice myself… so often.” —Timothy Keller, The Reason for God

All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. 1 John 4:15-19 (NLT)

So how do I apply this truth in my recovery when it comes to relationships, especially in my marriage and family?

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
Ephesians 5:1-5 (NLT)

Remember, the problem of selfish love goes like this: “I love me and I love you for what you can do for me.” God has assessed the problem and determined that the solution goes something like this:

In view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will… Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Romans 12:1-3 (NLT)

Easier said than done, right? If I understand the problem, and, I have the solution to solve the problem, why haven’t I solved it? What’s the problem?

It is within the nature to be selfishly ambitious and jealous, the central issues in the principle of the power of the least interested party. In seemingly healthy functional relationships it may be below the surface: that the one with the leverage is primarily ambitious, and the one continually struggling to seize the control is primarily jealous of the other. Both are selfish. The relationship can drift into serious dysfunction before the problem is realized.

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. James 3:16 (NLT)

Here comes the “I guess we have to go there” moment. The solution in any relationship, whether it be in marriage, with children, with friends and relatives, and even professional relationships, is submission. There is no getting around it. However, it is not submission to each other in these relationships, it is submission unto God in relationship with Jesus Christ. My attitude in relationship with each another will reflect my posture of submission in my relationship with God.

Ephesians 5:15 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. 16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. 18 Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, 19 singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. 20 And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Ephesians 5:15-32, 6:1-4 (NLT)

“Confrontation without love is hostility.” —Tony Evans

These are the principles of The Power of the Submitted Parties in Relationship. The true power in relationship is most fully realized in the attitude of submission. Imagine how much more children would get from their parents if they submitted to them in obedience. Imagine how much more obedience parents would get from their children if they submitted their undivided attention to their children and made the effort early on to teach these principles modeled in their marriage. Imagine the possibilities.

We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God.
1 John 3:16-19 (NLT)

The power, control, leverage… whatever you want to call it… is in the hands of the least interested person in any relationship. It is a fact. It’s a law. It is natural as long as we our selfish living in our capacity to sin. Attempting to defy this law is most definitely a climb. However, this climb will never see the peak… unless… unless you are willing to surrender control as well as surrender your right to control, especially if you ain’t got it. Let it go through the principle of submission as unto the Lord in your relationship with Him. While you may not be able to defy gravity, you can surrender your right to control gravity by taking the stairs, or the elevator, or a helium balloon, or a rocket. Utilize the tools God has given you to experience freedom in relationships. Get this: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT!

Be free in your relationships. Celebrate them. Be about recovery in relationships. In this case, it is recovery from entitlement and control and the obsession with being right. Even if this principle of submission in relationship as unto the Lord is rarely if ever reciprocated, you will experience a release into freedom. It’s pretty cool. Try it. If you’re not satisfied, return it, and go back to your way of continually angling for leverage.

If you’re reading this and you are aware that you tend to have the leverage in your relationships, please take a long hard look at how that affects others and the struggles you might have with those in relationship with you because you’ve grown tired of their insecurities, and apparent lack of self-confidence. What can you you do to, through submission as unto the Lord, build them up?

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Ephesians 4:2

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but favors the humble.” James 4:6

Focus on your relationship with Christ and surrender all control and leverage unto Him. He yearns desperately for you to give in to Him completely and trust Him.

Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”? James 4:5 (NKJV)

It is in Christ that you are beautiful. It is in Christ that you are intelligent. It is in Christ that you are wise. It is in Christ that you are strong. It is in Christ that you prosper.

It is in Christ that you experience joy. It is in Christ that you have peace. It is in Christ that you are free.

Submit all unto Him and rejoice in your freedom!

Surrender It All or Surrender At All? (What’s In Your Camel?)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

If you have mostly turned your will and your life over to the will of God in your life, mostly surrendered to His plan for you, have you truly surrendered? If you haven’t surrendered it all, have you surrendered at all?

Will you try to ride your camel in through the gate?

Speaking for myself, these are the questions I wrestle with for my life, and I’m not sure I like the honest response for me to that question.

I want to surrender it all… but something inevitably distracts me. What is it that can be so distracting that I would hold back from the best that God has for me? Do you ever feel like that… that you want it but something seems to always be distracting you from surrendering your best to receive God’s best?

The story of the rich man that Jesus talked to is about a man that suggests he fulfills the requirements to experience eternal life… but he has reservations for whatever it takes for recovery into God’s best for his life.

Working the twelve steps in recovery only works when, as the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book states, it is done with rigorous honesty. This means being honest with yourself. To be anything less than rigorously honest with yourself would be to marginalize the effectiveness of your recovery efforts.

As you continue reading, it should be said that I am writing this as a challenge to myself first before bringing the challenge to anyone else. I am attempting to be honest with myself about my commitment to fully surrender my recovery with integrity reaching into every aspect of my life.

In prison, men talk about integrity as “doing the right thing when no one is looking”; and what I like to add, considering they are a community of convicted felons, is “doing the right thing when everyone is looking”.

I often facilitate discussions about how far the men are willing to go in their recovery. “You went all the way in your addiction, as evidenced by being in jail. You measured the risk against the reward and felt it was worth the risk when you acted in your addiction to obtain what you believed you deserved; to the point of needing to overcome obstacles such as the law to get what you deserve, risking everything. Are you just as willing to go all the way in your recovery? How far, honestly, are you willing to go to stay sober and stay free?”

Compassion Before Confession, Confession Before Clemency

The thing about the men is that they have all been convicted of crimes. Some would say that they are innocent of the charge they are serving time for, but of the hundreds I have talked to not one has claimed to not be guilty of at least something felonious, even if he has not been charged for it. How many of these guys would have surrendered of their own accord and confessed their crime if they knew that, not only would they be pardoned of their crime, but that they would be blessed beyond anything they could possibly imagine for themselves?

In my case and yours, we have been caught in our sin but many of us will not admit guilt. We will fight our case, claiming our right to a fair trial. In this case, though, there is no jury; only a judge, and the verdict is in.

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Romans 3:23 (NLT)

For the wages of sin is death! Romans 6:23

In my case and yours, the consequence for our crimes, according to the lawful standard, was the process of death for eternity. As I look across the court room, I see that there has been a sacrifice paid for my crimes. My debt to the court has been paid and I am free to live……. under one condition: I must give myself up and surrender, admitting my guilt without excuse before the judge.

If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. 1 John 1:8-9 (NLT)

This is the first step to surrendering my life into the plan and purpose of God. When I admit that I have done wrong and that I am in desperate need of mercy from the court, the judge declares that it is only fair that He show me mercy through forgiveness for my sin. After all, His very son is the one that paid the debt for my crimes with His life.

“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son.” John 3:16-18 (NLT)

It is clear that upon my admission of guilt and acceptance of the sacrifice that was made to pay the debt for my crimes, I have been afforded a second chance. I have been given this last chance to get things right in my life through relationship with the Sacrifice for my sin, having Himself been resurrected into life.

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are… Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus. Romans 3:22, 24-26 (NLT)

Another question: Can a person mostly or partially surrender to the authorities? How would he be able to give most of himself up? He either turns himself in or he doesn’t. Is it not the same thing surrendering your life and livelihood over to the will of God? Will you give up and turn your life over to The Authority that is Jesus Christ?

What Else Must I Do?

Someone came to Jesus with this question: “Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?”

“Why ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. But to answer your question—if you want to receive eternal life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” the man asked.

And Jesus replied: “‘You must not murder. You must not commit adultery. You must not steal. You must not testify falsely. Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“I’ve obeyed all these commandments,” the young man replied. “What else must I do?”

Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

But when the young man heard this, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I’ll say it again—it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

The disciples were astounded. “Then who in the world can be saved?” they asked.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:16-26 (NLT)

Well? There it is. Wow! Who in the world is fully surrendered to their recovery from addiction to sin… addiction to self? Jesus said it. If you are perfectly surrendered to authentic rigorously honest recovery, willing to let go of it all in this life in order to be receptive of the best that God wants and has for you, are you willing to give up your earned material wealth for it?

Jesus isn’t done…

Then Peter said to him, “We’ve given up everything to follow you. What will we get?”

Jesus replied, “I assure you that when the world is made new and the Son of Man sits upon his glorious throne, you who have been my followers will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life. But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.” Matthew 19:37-30 (NLT)

What was that? What did He say?

That’s it! Jesus is letting me know that until I am willing to commit EVERYTHING and EVERYONE into the will and care of God in my recovery from ‘my addiction to me’, I am not “perfectly” surrendered to recovery God’s way. Again, that’s it!

Getting a camel through the eye of a needle (pictured) was like fitting a square peg through a round hole. The gated entrance to the rich man’s home was a structure just tall enough for people to walk through. It was referred to as a needle and there was no way for a camel to fit through it unless by some divine miracle, the man on the camel was able to enter in. It would be impossible without God to enter in. So when Jesus gave that illustration for what it would take to enter into God’s kingdom—His best—Peter stated that it would be impossible; to which Jesus responded, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”

Jesus was speaking to anyone that gets lulled into believing that there are aspects of life not particularly in need of recovery. Even the wealthy person who is viewed by folks as altogether decent and good has holes in his or her life and is in need of the Savior to fill the need left by the defect. The man who inquired with Jesus about his standing in regards to his position in the kingdom became disappointed when Jesus exposed what was defective and lacking in his life. The defects were the places in the man’s life where he relied on his own self-sufficiency and in his heart may have felt was not in need of mercy and grace. The man was likely wealthy enough that he lived comfortably in what in today’s language would be a gated property with a wall around his estate. He probably owned a camel for transportation and parked it outside before walking in through the ‘eye of the needle’ and in through his front door.

If the rich man’s camel is emblematic of his love for material prosperity, then I suppose Jesus is telling him (and you and me) that he is welcome into the kingdom of God but his camel is not. The love of material wealth and money the Bible declares emphatically is the root of all evil. Heaven and the love of stuff are incongruent. They don’t match up. Therefore, something’s got to give. Something has got to go. The camel does not fit and cannot enter into the kingdom of God. I cannot enter into life with God in relationship with Christ riding on my own ability and earthly earnings. To enter in I need to get off my camel and let it go.

Once I have left my camel behind I am still too big; too tall and too wide to walk through the gate. To walk through the gate into where Christ is I need to stoop down and get on my knees. As I decrease, the gate becomes taller and wider. As I walk through the gate into the very best of a new life experience, God enters in and provides the increase until I am completely satisfied. To let go and give Him my burden is to decrease in surrender to all that He is. He loves that about this arrangement. I dump out all this useless, reckless, and destructive waste and Jesus fills my life beyond imagination without measure. If I ask for help with the dumping God is gracious to help me.

Kingdom Standing

The man had his share of earthly treasure. As a religious man adhering to the law of Moses, he needed affirmation of his position in the kingdom of God. I will suggest that he felt pretty good about himself and his place in God’s place until challenged by the words of Jesus in a way he never even close to anticipated. “Many who are the greatest now will be least important then…” That must have dealt him quite a blow. I will guess that the man understood that then is when it counts. Then applies to the kingdom of God; something of particular importance for any religious person. Then is forever and you cannot take it with you. He became discouraged, perhaps even disgruntled as if to say under his breath, “Who do you think you are… a lowly carpenter’s son… I come from privilege and honor.” Or perhaps he felt a tinge of shame that he might be selfish about what he owned and kept for himself. I don’t know if that was the case but Jesus it seems deliberately used this opportunity to make a direct point about earthly material wealth in front of a bunch of people.

The man’s wealth and prestigious standing in his material world had become a stronghold in his life, and until he was willing to let it all go it would be in the way of receiving everything God wanted and had for him. His best through what he had earned through his efforts held more value than the best God wanted simply to give to him from His undeserved favor; from His wealth. The only effort required is to let it all go, to surrender it all. Not easily done when his trust was in his own ability and effort rather than trusting in the ability and effort of the compassionate generous Savior standing right there before him.

Surrender it all or surrender at all? That is the question.

Steps one, two, and three are as follows:
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.” John 8:34 (NLT)

So here is the deal. When I admit to being powerless over my addiction to sin, which has resulted in my life being unmanageable, to what extent do I believe that? Do I fully believe that I am powerless against my addiction to me that is self-centered and constantly prone to selfish automatic thinking and reactive sinful patterns of behavior?

If I do not believe entirely that I am powerless over my sin nature, self-centered behavior, and consequential outcomes, then I am stuck there. Why? Because it does not make a difference what I believe about God, then. The house that is my life could be raging with flames burning uncontrollably and I would not realize my need for the fireman. Therefore, I would not call on the fireman and my life would burn down. Surrendering my will to God would not be in play because my blind eye to the problem dictates to me that I don’t need God, as far as I can tell.

The case for the rich man that Jesus was dealing with was that the man was likely devoutly religious. He believed in God. He appears to have believed that Jesus was the Son of God and it was important that the man was in good standing with Jesus. But the man was self-reliant to the point that he did not recognize his total desperate need of a Savior to save him from his defects and weakness.

Also at issue is the problem of disbelief. I can know that the house is on fire and burning down all around me but if I have not come believe that there is a fireman that can rescue me, then why would I call on him at all, much less surrender to what He told me to do and go where He told me to go?

Surrender the Secrets

The degree to which I do not believe on any level that I am powerless without control, is the extent to which I cannot and will not surrender to the will and plan of the fireman, Jesus Christ. And, the degree to which I do not entirely believe in the ability and willingness of the fireman to save me and empower me in my recovery, is the extent to which I cannot and will not surrender to the will and plan of the fireman, Jesus Christ.

The degree to which I entirely believe that I am powerless and out of control, AND the degree to which I fully believe in the capability and willingness of the fireman to save me from certain destruction, IS the degree to which I can and will surrender to the fireman when he puts the breathing apparatus over my face and says to me assuredly, “Come follow Me.” There is no holding back or holding on to what is on fire anyway. I must lay down the burdens of this life that are the strongholds restraining me from the new satisfied life that God wants and has for me.

(I know The previous two paragraphs said pretty much the same thing but I did so for emphasis)

Jesus told the rich man that even what he loves and treasures the most: “… houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property…” is burdensome in comparison to a surrendered relationship with God. Jesus challenges you and me to lay down even our most cherished possessions; our loved ones, at the feet of Jesus on the throne at the right hand of the Father.

What if I have done even that? What else might be holding me back from receiving the best of what God wants and has for me?

What about my secrets? What about those hidden places that I hope to keep secret from everyone, including God?

The following comes from the Narcotics Anonymous publication, Just For Today, September 14:

Everyone has secrets, right? Some of us have little secrets, items that would cause only minor embarrassment if found out. Some of us have big secrets, whole areas of our lives cloaked in thick, murky darkness. Big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to our recovery. But the little secrets do their own kind of damage, more insidious perhaps because we think they’re “harmless!”

Big or little, our secrets represent spiritual territory we are unwilling to surrender to the principles of recovery. The longer we reserve pieces of our lives to be ruled by self-will and the more vigorously we defend our “right”to hold onto them, the more damage we do. Gradually, the unsurrendered territories of our lives tend to expand, taking more and more ground.

Whether the secrets in our lives are big or little, sooner or later they bring us to the same place. We must choose-either we surrender everything to our program, or we will lose our recovery.

Just for today: I want the kind of recovery that comes from total surrender to the program.

Here lies the authenticity of honest recovery by way of surrender; when we can surrender our secrets. After all, God knows already. He is acutely aware of each big secret, as well as the little secrets we think are hidden in the dark.

Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.

Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. Don’t participate in the things these people do. For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.

Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible.

So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Ephesians 5:2-13, 15-17 (NLT)

Like I stated previously, I am writing this as a challenge to myself every bit as I am hoping to encourage you. the apostle Paul is most direct in his words about what surrender truly looks like when recovery from sin addiction is genuine. This Scripture is about going all the way in recovery. To hold on to secret sins is a power grab and not indicative of those who believe entirely that they are powerless and out of control while proclaiming also that they believe fully in the satisfaction that comes by living according to the will and Word of God. To continue to indulge secretly in addiction to sin defies the integrity of the new life experience in relationship with Jesus Christ.

Ambivalent Surrender or Armed Surrender

So is it a matter of simply wanting what God has to offer in this life over what the world has to offer in this life? That sounds like such a simple question with such an obvious response when the best of life in God’s economy is clearly worth so so much more than the best of what this world as to offer me. Of course, I want the best I can have in relationship with God through Jesus. On its face it is an insulting question.

Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches. One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?” John 5:3-6 (NLT)

If it is an offensive question, well, Jesus asked it too, when he asked a paralyzed man if he wanted to get well. It’s like me asking the man in jail if he wants to be set free.

How is it that I can possibly be ambivalent—resistant—to living in the best of the life God wants and has for me?

When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit. Romans 7:5-6 (NLT)

I don’t know about you, but this Scripture, for me, makes it all that much more complex. If I have been released and am no longer held captive to the power of the law and the knowledge of good and evil; and if I am no longer controlled by my old nature and sinful desires and intentions, then why do I continue to be drawn back in to do what I no longer want to do in the sense that I am freed up inside when I turn away from such things that are captivating for all of the wrong reasons? I am free to serve God and love how it feels when I do intentionally engage in exactly that.

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 7:14-25 (NLT)

As I attempt to speak the truth about a surrendered life in recovery from my sin addiction, asking the questions about why I do not just choose each time to pursue and take hold of what God wants and has for my life, it appears to me that Paul engaged in the same problem. Paul reconciled himself to this reality of inner disagreement and conflict about what God wanted for him versus what the world wanted for him; about what he wanted from God versus what he wanted from the world. He concluded that this ambivalence—this inner conflict—is good. If his sin nature was in control, controlling his desire to behave in sin, he would give into it each and every time, so long as there is no internal disagreement over what to chase and be chased by. Having internal conflict at least gave him a choice and chance to engage in right best living.

I believe that so much of what Paul wrote in the New Testament, while inspired by the Holy Spirit of God, reflected his personal internal battles. He concluded with this about the weapons needed for the war within.

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NLT)

I must surrender to the truth as Paul did in order to have a chance at defeating the enemy within raging war in my thoughts. I am not necessarily talking about the devil, though that is a part of it. I am writing more specifically about the role of my sin nature and of the selfish “go” system in my brain that fight against me to do what is good, right, and best.

Letting Go

All this talk about surrender. What does it really mean to admit that I cannot on my own fix my life and change my world? How does absolute belief in the ability and willingness of God through relationship with Christ actually translate into trusting Him with my everything and everyone? What does it actually mean to give up my secrets? What does it actually mean to apply all this talk about surrender to how I live my life from one day to the next?

It means that I need to let go. I am not free as long as my hands are tied up with everything I cling to because I believe it is what and who I need and deserve, and what and who I believe needs me. It means letting go of control and the “need” to be right.

In the curriculum we use at the prison, it’s referred to as my “belief clutch”. My belief clutch is what I will hold on to as if my life depended on it. Even if the thing I am holding on to will ultimately take me down and lead to my demise and ruin, if I am not willing to let it go, it will at some point destroy and kill me. I will suggest that it is what Paul was writing about in the Romans 7 passage. My core beliefs rooted in selfishness when left undeterred will short circuit or override even what I believe to be true about the real-life presence of God in my life working in and through me.

Jesus is knocking at the door of my heart all the time. I will invite Him in and we will fellowship together and my experience is strength and peace and joy. My experience is relief from disappointment, pain, and struggle. My experience is compassion, mercy, and love. My experience is kindness and patience.

My experience is………. wait for it………. wait for it……….. self-control.

Through my experience with Jesus in the house I can let go of my secret cravings and urges that serve my need for instant gratification. Through my experience with Him I can let go of my lies that serve my need to protect myself. I can let go of my justifications and rationalizations that serve my need to defend myself. I can let go of my secret jealousies, secret resentments, and secret grudges that serve my need to feel better about myself. I can let go of the sarcasm that serves my need to look good by cutting someone else down to size. I can let go of the gossip that serves my need to be entertained at someone else’s expense. I can let go of being right that serves my need to…. well…. be right.

Surrender Your Best for His Best

Jesus has contrasted for me the distinction between clutching my best according to my own efforts, and letting it all go, living according to His best on His terms His way.

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

“Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!

“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life… Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:19-25, 27, 31-33 (NLT)

A surrendered life unto Christ changes everything. Your values about what you own change as you are willing to let go of whatever it is you value that owns you in exchange for that which God owns and values for you; and wants for you to own. It is in the surrendered life that the rivers of living water flow into you, then through you, and then out from you (John 7:37-38) as you touch others with the message of the surrendered life.

“Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:9-10 (NLT)

Jesus said that my camel will not fit through the gates of heaven… So why do I invest so much into my camel? I guess that about sums it up. I need to finally let it all go… this time.

I must surrender it all—everything and everyone, from my most cherished loved ones to my best kept secrets—to experience the full measure of God’s generosity; blessing God wants and has for me and for His family.

Listen with LUV… It’s Not About the Nail

by Steven Gledhill for Freedom from MEdom Project

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
James 1:19 (NLT)

Before beginning this discussion on healthy communication, it might be good to acknowledge that we all do not think alike. there are differences from one person to the next. In particular, there are differences between how men think and how women think. There are often times stark differences between the way in which men and women view their lives and the world. Mark Gungor has attempted with obvious humor to suggest this contrast from what he calls the Tale of Two Brains. Check this out:

Critical to our applied recovery is the skill of effective communication. One person communicating in a two-person conversation can do a lot to see to it that something is being communicated effectively by actually listening.

“Say what you mean; mean what you say; but don’t say it mean.” —Betty Murray, RN

What does that mean? Often times, particularly in the midst of confrontation, intended messages are not effectively communicated, resulting in misunderstood messages leading to hurt and angry feelings.

Through aeons of time misunderstood communication has evolved from hurt and resentment into broken relationships—from broken hearts to broken nations and split societies. It is essential that we learn how to listen to one another with what Carl Rogers referred to as unconditional positive regard, or better yet, what the Bible refers to as an attitude of grace from a heart of sincere love for our brother and sister,and even to our enemy.

What we tend not to do when communicating is listen well. We hear what we want to hear or what we don’t want to hear but expect to hear; or at the very least, hope to hear. We allow preconceived notions and scenarios to cloud and distort our reception of what is being communicated.

“Confrontation without love is hostility.” —Tony Evans

To communicate with others more effectively we would benefit by learning something about expressing empathy through more effective listening skills through something called active listening, and better yet, something referred to as reflective listening. Active reflective listening sets the stage for reflective responses geared to better understanding of what is being communicated. Better understanding of communication allows for, and encourages opportunity to validate the speaker.

The alternative to healthy functional communication is unhealthy dysfunctional communication. Interaction that is argumentative, judgmental, critical, and ultimately offensive is typically a lose-lose for the combatants… uh, uh… I mean people engaging in conversation.

The video below is a humorous look at active listening being taught in a classroom to parents.

Become an Active Listener

There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they say.

Pay attention.
Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also “speaks” loudly.

• Look at the speaker directly.
• Put aside distracting thoughts (preconceived notions). Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!
• Avoid being distracted by environmental factors (turn the TV off, close the book).
• “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.
• Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting (referred to as subgrouping at the prison I work at).

Show that you are listening.
Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.

• Nod occasionally.
• Smile and use other facial expressions.
• Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
• Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.

Provide feedback.
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

• Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
• Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you meant when you said…?”
• Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

Defer judgment.
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

• Allow the speaker to finish.
• Don’t interrupt with counter arguments.

Respond Appropriately.
Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.

• Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
• Assert your opinions respectfully.
• Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

Expressing Empathy through Reflective Listening

Let’s now define the word empathy and go from there:

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Empathy is such a popular term these days, but what exactly does it mean? What are you listening for in the effort to understand and validate the speaker? The truth is that we will not always understand what we are listening to while communicating, making it especially challenging to express empathy. Empathy has more to do with the intent to understand than it does the actual understanding. Counselors and doctors show empathy to their patients by way of statements and questions that reflect understanding. For example, it might go something like, “I understand that you’re concerned about what be going on with you, so it’s important to me that you tell me your symptoms.” All the doctor essentially said is, “You are concerned about your condition and you are important to me.” That is empathy for the patient, having validated the patient no matter how genuine.

As counselors, we often use an approach to empathy referred to as reflective listening. Through reflective listening is the opportunity to listen to, understand, and validate the other person and what they are saying and feeling. Dr. Gary Smalley referred to this effective communication strategy as “LUV talk”. Dr. Smalley spoke of comparing LUV talk to placing an order in a fast-food drive-through lane, that when faced with conflict you should listen carefully to what your mate says about his or her feelings and needs. Then, just like a fast-food worker, repeat back what you hear. This not only helps clarify that you understand, but it also validates and values your mate. Smalley says you don’t necessarily need to agree with your mate’s conclusions in order to understand his or her feelings and needs.

Reflective listening involves repeating back through reflective responses what the person has said in a way that communicates understanding of what is important to the person transmitting the message. Reflective listening involves really hearing and understanding what the speaker is saying through words and body language, and reflecting back feelings and thoughts you heard through your own words, tone-of-voice, body posture and gesture so that the other person knows he or she is understood. Reflective listening and responding requires physically and psychologically attending to the person you are listening to. Whether it is through physical touch, body posture and gestures, or intentionally attending to an active listening environment (i.e., turning the television off or setting the book down).

Other things to pay attention to has to do with following the listening with statements of permission such as:

• Would you like to talk about it?
• Can I help you with your concern (or problem)?
• Would it help to talk about it?
• Is something bothering you?
• You seem upset. Care to talk about it?
• Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest.
• Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

Suggestions for reflective statements in response to the person communicating with you might be:

• What I hear you saying is…
• The impression I get from what you said is…
• What I am hearing is that you appear to be… (i.e., concerned, angry, sad, unhappy, upset, content, satisfied, dissatisfied, confused, wondering, in agreement, misunderstood, etc. – must be accurate or you risk offending the other person)
• It sounds to me like…
• It’s possible that…
• I wonder if…
• I get the impression that…

Generally speaking, reflective responses and statements continue the give and take of effective purposeful conversation. Reflective questions can stimulate further conversation or they can stifle conversation if they appear to the other person to be judgmental and/or offensive, or mistakenly or clumsily become one-sided should one feel the need to inject misguided or misunderstood opinion. That would depend on one’s motivation for the discussion. There can be a tendency to “need” to be understood or validated to the point that even when the speaker is upset or hurting in some way that I respond to the hurting person in a way that suggests I have to be right because, of course, I am right. (That’s what I think.)

Transference and Countertransference

Transference: the phenomenon whereby we unconsciously transfer feelings and attitudes from a person or situation in the past on to a person or situation in the present. The process is at least partly inappropriate to the present.

Countertransference: the response that is elicited in the recipient (therapist) by the other’s (patient’s) unconscious transference communications; responses include both feelings and associated thoughts. When transference feelings are not an important part of the therapeutic relationship, there can obviously be no countertransference.

Typically, the only time transference and countertransference are discussed is in the context of therapeutic relationship between doctor or therapist and patient. I think you will find it interesting how these dynamics are made manifest in our communication with each other in all sorts of relationship; whether between spouses and mates, siblings, friends, professional relationships, and so on. I will not elaborate much on this. I will provide examples of how transference and countertransference might play out between my wife and I, and then how transference and countertransference are brought to life in what Eric Berne diagrammed concerning communication dysfunction.

It would be transference if I unconsciously project some psychological issue I have (i.e., I am experiencing anxiety and stress because of a difficult day at work) that affects and influences my responses to the person who is discussing with me their day, or perhaps an important concern of theirs. Transference directed by the speaker to the listener can provoke countertransference from the listener.

Example A
Let’s say I am talking with my wife, a registered nurse. She says, “It was hard for me to respond to a patient who received some bad news from the doctor about his condition.” I could respond by saying, “I am always impressed that you care deeply for the well-being of your patients.” She says, “My supervisor told me I care too much sometimes.” Then I say, “I understand that you are passionate about your job helping people to help themselves.” Then she replies, “I suppose I could pay closer attention to how I am perceived by those I work with.” I respond, “It is important that you are understood as a caring patient that recognizes her boundaries.” She replies, “That’s my intention… I feel better about it. Thanks.”

From that form of reflective listening and responses my wife arrived at her own solution to a dilemma she may have been wresting with outside of my knowing that she even had a dilemma. Even though the above was a fictitious example, I like the way I handled the situation. It’s too bad it was a script. Maybe one day my talks with my wife will actually work out like that one did.

Example B
But what if my listening is clouded because of my experience today? Let’s say that my day began with the news that a client I counsel who is locked up in prison was informed that his young son was killed in a car accident last night and I struggled to find the right words to say to him. I am still wrestling with feelings of inadequacy myself as my wife tells me about her day: “It was hard for me to respond to a patient who received some bad news from the doctor about his condition.” So in my feelings of inadequacy (my transference) I respond by saying this to my wife, “I know how important it is for your patients to see that you care, which might be difficult to show when you’re not sure what to say.” I might be right on the money with how I responded. It doesn’t matter! My statement to her was more a reflection of what I was feeling than what she was feeling.

Had I said, “I am touched that you care deeply for the well-being of your patients” she might have said, “Sometimes maybe I care too much, you know what I mean? How do you deal with that working at the prison when one of your guys gets bad news?” This isn’t a counseling session, it’s a discussion between a husband and his wife. So I say… and then I share my experience today.

Had I said, “I know how important it is for your patients to see that you care, which might be difficult to show your patients when you’re not sure what to say” she might have answered, “No, that’s not it… your psychobabble sounded good, though” and she picks up her book to read… end of discussion.

In the first scenario, even though I may have still had my day’s struggle on my mind, I kept my focus on listen, understanding and validating my wife’s message with my response. In the second scenario, it’s pretty clear that my attention was distracted and my response had a lot more to do with getting what I needed; validating me. It may have started out alright, but even the beginning of it was really me saying, “It is so important to me that my client believes I care, but I had nothing for him when he needed me to something to say that would somehow ease his pain.” That was my transference, redirecting my attention from my wife back on to me. In the first scenario is the beginning of quality interactive dialogue between us. In the second scenario, my “counselor-speak” could have offended her, sounding as though I judged her as not being able to communicate concern for her patients and freezing under the pressure to say something supportive. Really, all of that was my issue which I transferred onto her.

Example C
So how might countertransference play out in this example? My wife might say to me, “What a day… I’d tell you about it but I really don’t need to hear how I care too much about my patients.” The transference is that my wife has unconsciously transferred the feelings she had with her supervisor onto me. Then I reply to her, “Maybe you could benefit from praying that you will be better prepared to be effective helping your patients deal with the crisis of bad news.” The countertransference is my unconscious feelings of inadequacy helping my client in his crisis. Perhaps had I had quality prayer time in the morning instead of the quicky drive by prayer on my way into work, I would have been ready to better help my client. I projected my feelings into my response to my wife’s communication to me. I did listen to her but through the lens of my concerns and feelings of inadequacy today.

Parent, Adult, Child Communication

In the 1950s, Dr. Eric Berne began developing a theory concerning communication that he referred to as Transactional Analysis. By the early 1960s, Dr. Berne published a couple of books regarding his theory, including the rather famous “Games People Play” in 1964 that serves as the handbook for Transactional Analysis. Dr. Berne suggests that adults communicate from alter ego states, or personas, he called Parent, Adult, and Child.

PARENT:

The Parent persona is the underlying voice of authority conditioned by what we have been taught. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, clergy, Sunday School teachers, our friends’ parents, neighbors, television and radio personalities, government authority and law enforcement, doctors and nurses, social norms, etc., have instructed, shaped, and conditioned the values of the Parent persona all of our life. External events, said and done, have been ingrained into our psyche, having influenced how we think and feel, and now, as then, drive our attitudes and behavior.

The Parent persona tends to be critical and judgmental, and can be sarcastic, patronizing and condescending. The Parent persona is angry and resentful and can be spiteful and vengeful. The Parent persona wants its own way and is persistent in getting it.

When the Parent persona communicates, it is addressing the Child persona within the adult person the Parent is interacting with.

CHILD:

The Child persona is the underlying voice of experiences felt growing up from early childhood to adulthood. The experiences of external events that have shaped and conditioned the Child persona within each of us evoke feelings of anger, shame, failure, disappointment, rejection, helplessness, resentment, bitterness, isolation, alienation, etc. The Child persona is also influenced by experiences of entitlement, privilege, covetousness, envy and jealousy, selfish greed, etc. As the Child persona is affected by present circumstances and stimuli, the Child reaction is the expression of a lifetime’s evolution of feelings and learned responses that come back into play in adulthood.

The Child persona will react automatically when its senses are cued by the Parent persona that it is communicating with. The manifestation of the Child persona can be an attitude of rebellion and defiance, but can also come from the place of a victim. The Child persona is subject to psychological abuse.

The Child persona reacts to the communication of the Parent persona, but can also react to another person communicating from a Child persona. Spouses fighting can transition from Parent talking to Child, and Child reacting/responding to Parent, to Child exchanging fiery dialog with Child. As the verbal conflict heats up, escalating into something nasty and ugly, the health of communication, and ultimately relationship, deescalates, descending into something bitter and isolating.

ADULT:

The Adult persona in this process of interactive communication relies on reasonable thought. The Adult persona tends to remain rational and sensible while the Parent and Child personas trend toward irrationality, and their interaction is ineffectual and dysfunctional. Since the Adult is relatively healthy and functional, its interactive efforts to communicate are directed to the Adult persona internal to the other person, for the purpose of effective and productive interaction.

Transactional Analysis:

There are four transaction types in Dr. Berne’s Transactional Analysis model. There is Parent to Child transactions, Child to Parent transactions, Child to Child transactions, and finally, Adult to Adult transactions. Parent-Child, Child-Parent, and Child-Child transactions between adults can quite clearly be said to carry there share of transference and countertransference. Sadly, in the analysis of communication patterns, relationships tend to adopt these Parent and Child personas. One of my clients at the prison coined this idea of “psychological domination”. To dominate a person psychologically means that someone is being dominated. The person communicating from the parent persona has assumed the role of dominator, as harsh as that sounds. The person assuming the Child persona responding to the “Parent” is attempting to defend being dominated, trending toward a combative confrontational posture.

Here is an example of Parent-to-Child communication that breaks down even more into Child-to-Child interaction:

• Husband/Initiator: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
• Wife/Receiver: “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t paying attention.”
• Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
• Wife: “I’ve got the kids laundry… your laundry… it’s too much!”
• Husband: “You’re so careless… I can’t believe you sometimes.”
• Wife: “If you weren’t so self-absorbed…”
• Husband: “You’re the one always complaining.”
• Wife: “Could you be more selfish? You’re impossible!”
• Husband: “You’re an idiot!”
• Wife: “You’re a fool!”

The transference of the speaker initiating communication will contribute to whether the speaker comes from the Parent or Child persona. Perhaps the initiating speaker felt bullied by parents, siblings, classmates, and so on. This person might assume the child persona as a kind of victim in meaningful relationships. Or, this person might seek to “dominate” in the Parent persona compensating for past victimizations, refusing to be dominated, taking the offensive from a self-perceived position of strength. The same can be said for the responder’s countertransference from either position. Initiators of interactive communication who may have been allowed to “dominate” growing up for whatever reason might be insistent in how they communicate from the Parent persona.

There are Child-Child interactions as well that are the result of transference issues that provoke dysfunctional communication patterns. Anything but healthy Adult-to-Adult interactions is ineffective and proves to be dysfunctional.

Here is an example of what began as Parent-to-Child interaction but when the respondent, in this case the wife, refuses to respond in the Child persona, the interaction converts into much healthier Adult-to-Adult communication:

• Husband: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
• Wife: “I hear that you’re angry. I’m sorry, I suppose I could have paid better attention.”
• Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
• Wife: “I understand that you’re frustrated. I assure you that it was an accident; I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
• Husband: “I understand, too, that you have an awful lot of responsibility around here. I guess it isn’t so important that I tear you apart over it. You didn’t deserve that.”
• Wife: “Thanks for understanding. Do you think you could help me out with a few things I need so I can be more attentive to what you need?”
• Husband: “I know of a few of the things that are important that you need help with. Would you jot a few of the other things down for me?”
• Wife: “Sure, I appreciate your willingness to help.”
• Husband: “Thank you for being so patient with me.”
• Wife: “Because I love you… that’s marriage.”

Notice that the wife does not respond Child-to-Parent, but rather she responds Adult-to-Adult. The husband proceeded to address her Parent-to-Child, but she continued to use empathy in her Adult-to-Adult responses. Her use of empathy changed the tenor of the interaction as her husband’s anxiety was disarmed and his “better side” followed up with Adult-to-Adult responses. It is in the heat of the moment that Adult-Adult interaction is most challenging and difficult, but not at all impossible.

The Parent persona always directs communication to the Child persona. The Child persona always directs communication to the Parent persona, and the Adult persona always directs communication to the Adult persona, even if it is received by the Parent or Child persona within the other person. The critical element of Adult communication is for at least one person to be committed to Adult communication even when the other person is communicating from their parent or child persona. That is what the wife committed to doing in the above example to the point that the interaction was empowered to grow into Adult communication.

LUV Language—Listen, Understand, Validate

This LUV strategy has been taught by Dr. Gary Smalley.

Listen

The Three Basic Listening Modes (Dr. Larry Nadig)

1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. Attentive Listening happens when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We assume that we heard and understand correctly, but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

It has been said that listening is a skill. Effective listening requires intent on the part of the listener to be engaged in the conversation. Someone intent on really listening is most likely to remove and/or minimize distractions. It may not be enough to flip the book over, or turn the volume down on the television. Instead, mark your spot and close the book, and perhaps set it aside. Turn the television off and commit your attention to the person speaking to you. Effective listening allows the speaker to complete sentences and thoughts. The temptation can be intense to complete the speakers sentences, or briefly summarize what is being said to move the conversation along. The other temptation is to interject unwarranted opinions, advice, and humor as distraction or deflection from active listening. Avoid such interjections until it is asked for or until it is clear that the speaker has completed the expression of their thought. Avoid being preoccupied with what you are going to say, looking for the right spot to jump in, and not really listening to what is being said.

Listening Strategy

• Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:

1. Account of the facts
2. Thoughts and beliefs
3. Feelings and emotions
4. Wants, needs or motivation
5. Hopes and expectations

• Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
• Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
• If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
• Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
• Be empathetic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.

Understand

To better understand what is being communicated requires attentive listening, meaning that you are paying direct attention to the one speaking to you; not only paying attention to the words spoken, but also being attentive to nonverbal communication expressed through body language and facial expression.

When you are listening, the intention to understand what the communicator is meaning to convey, then, is focused on the nonverbal conversation at least as much as the spoken word. Seek to understand by listening for the emotion driving the communication. While you may not always be able to detect emotions when their delivered in subtlety, you can usually perceive that something is at least important to the communicator.

Validate

Validation is next in the progression of this LUV language of communication. It is the critical piece to reflective listening. Each time your response includes a paraphrase of what has been spoken to you, and identify verbally the emotion of the communicator, the result is validation that he or she is worth your attention, that you are engaged in the interactive communication process, and that you really do care and understand. We all have a built in need to be validated as being worthwhile and important. So when we validate and are validated as a form of interactive exchange, it feels better.

So how do you validate as a way to express empathy through reflective responses?

While you are listening, and you perceive the emotion of anger, you might respond by repeating back in your own words what was said but preface your response by saying, “I sense you’re angry about… ” or conclude your response with, ” … you seem to be pretty upset about it.” The same can be said to identify positive emotions (“you sound really happy about that” or “it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself”)

How do you respond if you sense concern but are unable to identify deeper emotion than that?

Reply with a simple response that does not assume the risk of misidentifying emotion or triggering non-intended emotion: “I can tell you are concerned about that”, or “That is obviously important to you.” Words like ‘concerned’ and ‘important’ usually apply even when you are not sure how or why it is important or of concern. Other validation words that do not necessarily carry as much intensity that are safe include: ‘upset’, ‘disappointed’, ‘feel good’ (“sounds like you feel pretty good about that”), and tend to carry less risk when you are not as certain how to identify deeper, more intense emotions such as: angry, resentful, bitter, shameful, failure, happy, joyful, festive, foolish, and so on.

LUV—listen, understand, validate—when applied in interactive communication can, and should, have the effect of disarming unhealthy defenses while empowering healthy conversation. Disarming because (and this especially true if the raw emotion is directed at you in confrontation) it suggests that you are, at least in part, agreeable, even when you do not necessarily agree; and empowering because of the apparent vulnerability it takes to understand what someone is feeling, communicating access to the part of you that is engaged emotionally in the discussion.

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters. 1 John 4:16-21 (NLT)

LUV, when applied in the method of reflective listening and responses, is the open door to Adult-to-Adult interactive communication. Playing on the word ‘love’ with the acronym ‘LUV’ is, of course, no coincidence. It is deliberate and intentional. Even when Carl Rogers coined the phrase “unconditional positive regard”, it was intended as an umbrella of loving grace when applied to and in relationships.

David G. Myers says the following in his Psychology: Eighth Edition in Modules:

“People also nurture our growth by being accepting; by offering us what Rogers called unconditional positive regard. This is an attitude of grace, an attitude that values us even knowing our failings. It is a profound relief to drop our pretenses, confess our worst feelings, and discover that we are still accepted. In a good marriage, a close family, or an intimate friendship, we are free to be spontaneous without fearing the loss of others’ esteem.”

Perfect love is found in relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who demonstrated perfect love through His sacrifice so that we can live according to His example. As you conclude the reading of this article, imagine communicating in your relationships, from those most important to those more casual, freely interacting with people in conversation while applying this LUV strategy of reflective listening and responses.

You can be subtle in your approach to using reflective listening and response as you make it a point to listen with the purpose of understanding so that you can more easily validate the feelings and concerns of those you interact with. You don’t have to be clever about its application, parsing your words as if you’re going to be evaluated or something. No one has to know you’re trying something that could revolutionize how you communicate with people. Try it with someone you don’t know so well; someone who wouldn’t necessarily become curious as to why you don’t seem altogether yourself while you attempt to reflect back what they are saying. See if you can provoke and prompt the person you’re talking with to move a little deeper into a concern or problem. See if by reflecting back what he or she is saying through your responses, the person can sensibly navigate his or her way into a solution or the next step in managing the difficulty.

The tools learned in this article are a vital piece to sustained authentic recovery. I can be active in recovery on so many levels, however, relationship recovery is vital to my recovery from being selfish, particularly as I interact with people through graceful communication. The Apostle John wrote that they will know we are Christians by our love. Is my love for my loved ones and my friends, my neighbors and co-workers, and even acquaintances reflected in how I communicate with them? Can I take my eyes off me long enough to listen to, to understand, and then to validate what is important to them?

We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. 2 Corinthians 6:3-4, 6 (NLT)