Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom for MEdom Project

A father brought his tormented son to Jesus and said,
“If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:22-24

A perfect storm is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.
Courtesy of FreeDictionary.com

This subject is very personal to me right now. I am in the midst of the perfect storm. My family is facing challenges we would not have imagined before coming into them. There is injury and heartbreak. There is wonder about what God is doing. What is the big picture? No, really God… what is it? Why this? Why take us through this? Why us, God? Why me? We are in crisis. I am in crisis.
when troubles come your way …
What I want to convey to you is that I am desperately needing to believe for me and my family today; but it is really difficult. Let’s look at some famous Scripture involving Jesus and how he dealt with storms in the lives of those he loved.
consider it an opportunity for great joy…
One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and started out. As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?” The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!”
Luke 8:22-25 (NLT)

As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water. Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” The disciples were absolutely terrified. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “Even the wind and waves obey him!” Mark 4:35-41 (NLT)
rejoice in the Lord always…
These are two versions of the same story told by disciples Luke and Mark. In Luke’s account of the story, he writes that “Jesus settled down for a nap.” The first three years and the last three years of the life of Jesus were in so many ways the perfect storm. Throughout much of that time there were people who had set out to kill him. Throughout his three-year ministry, Jesus would endure great battles and struggles that would define his role as ambassador of love and peace. Starting with the chosen twelve disciples, Jesus was understood by believers in his day to be leading his people out from under the thumb of the Roman Empire. It would be another 2000 years before Israel would be the nation that it is today. Jesus lived out the perfect storm as intended by God and it was about time he settled down for some rest and relaxation.
the Lord is near…
Mark lets us know that Jesus was very tired so he found a place toward the back of the boat to settle down, laying his head on a cushion to unwind and get some much needed rest. Jesus, in the midst of his stressful task-driven ministry, took some time off now and then to settle down; perhaps to decompress some as he prepared to fulfill his calling. You might say that Jesus understood throughout his life and ministry that he would wind up suffering miserably as the martyr for mankind. It would be fair to suggest that being acutely aware of the adversity to come was emotionally troubling to Jesus… disturbing even. As much as he depended on the Father for sustenance physically, psychologically, and spiritually; as much as he was motivated by love and driven by a heart of compassion for the sick and impoverished; fully human, there were likely times when he was alone with his thoughts considering his impending torture and suffering on so many levels that I cannot begin to comprehend.

While crossing the Sea of Galilee, a large lake capable of damaging storms and shipwreck, the disciples confronted just that; a raging storm with waves crashing into their fishing boat, winds tossing it about like a toy. Jesus, I presume, was sound asleep, knocked out by stress and fatigue, getting some much needed rest. Both Luke and Mark, who were in the boat, wrote that the waves were coming over and water was filling the boat. How could Jesus sleep through that? Wasn’t he getting wet? Imagine what the disciples thought.

“Master, Master, we’re going to drown… don’t you care?!”
do not be anxious about anything…
I have felt like those guys in recent days captured in the madness of the perfect storm. Where is Jesus? Where is he when I need him? Is he napping? Well, of course he is alive, awake, and alert but he must be spinning so many plates at one time throughout the business of this planet and the universe that some of the plates are bound to fall; and this plate (me) is about to shatter into pieces.
but from a grateful heart…
I have been through periods when I have wrestled with my feelings of intense concern, doubt, and fear. I have had this knot in my gut. It isn’t there all of the time. Since God has strengthened me and comforted me, the knot-in-the-gut feeling has eased but the butterflies often remain. I have drawn on past experiences when I needed for God to calm the storm in my life and he did. But you know… there are storms, and then there are storms as the waves crash into me tossing me about. I feel drenched at times under the waves. I need for Jesus to stand up confidently in the madness of my storm and command the wind, the thunder, and the lightening to cease. That’s what I need. And who knows better than I do what I need?
pray about everything…
The disciples, in the rage of their storm, must have been screaming at Jesus to get his attention. The winds and the waves howled angrily and looked to swallow them into the depths of their crisis. But since that didn’t seem enough to wake him, they shouted at him, “Do you even care that we’re drowning… overcome… about to be swallowed up?!”

Do you feel sometimes like you’re about to be swallowed up by devastation, depression, and despair?

I am glad we have the testimonies of those who followed Jesus the man through thick and thin. I am thankful that we have stories of those who were actually with him and knew him; had seen the healings, the miracles, the deliverances, and most of all, the resurrection (of Lazarus), and still felt doubt while in the relentless winds and waves of the storms in their lives. They may not have known the Spirit of God coursing through their beings, but they had God in their company in the person of Jesus Christ. And yet still, when up against it, even Christ’s closest companions felt doubt and uncertainty.
for you know that when your faith is tested…
Let’s talk about that; the doubt and fear we encounter as people of faith. Jesus said to those closest to him who believed, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith? Where is your faith?” This is interesting to me; the contrast between what the disciples said to Jesus and what Jesus said to them. When the disciples cried out, “Don’t you (even) care?” it’s like asking, “Where are you when I need you?” The reply of Jesus could be paraphrased, “Where are you when you need me?” as if to imply, “What condition are you in while you’re looking for me?” I don’t think he is issuing judgment so much as he is concerned that fear and doubt does so much more to intensify our pain and struggle.
your endurance has a chance to grow…
I suppose you might say that “Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm” is the sequel to my most recent article, The Problem of Pain… A Study of the Father’s Discipline. In that article, I wrote the following about faith and doubt in response to Scripture from James chapter 1:

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:5-8 (NLT)

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8 (NIV)
the peace of God…
I believe that James is writing that God does not find fault with my emotionally-driven fear and anxiety when I come seeking from Him everything from wisdom to a miracle. Because should I doubt God’s ability to engage, work, and move in my circumstances due to an intellectual conclusion of disbelief that God is God, and I turn to alternative remedies to manage fear and anxiety, then I am wavering in the gusty winds of divided loyalty. It is then I am double-minded and unstable in pursuit of resolution. It is then that I am lost like sheep without a shepherd. While James writes then that I ought not to expect to receive anything from the Lord it doesn’t mean that I won’t receive from Him. James is speaking about my state of mind. He is saying that I will have lowered my expectations of what God can and will do.
beyond comprehension…
If I have concluded that I probably will not receive much of anything from God, why would I expect to receive much of anything from God? There really won’t be any relief from pain, fear, and worry should I altogether not believe in what God can do. It’s common sense at that point. I’m an emotional mess from the empty conclusions I have drawn intellectually about what God can and will do. Absent is the hopeful anticipation of God’s intervention that would have a calming effect on my nerves.
will guard your heart and mind…
Thank God I believe intellectually and spiritually in what God can do. Too often, though, I question my faith because I doubt on an emotional level. I need to stop the practice of riding my feelings until I feel guilty that I doubt God. I feel guilty doubting God because of what I know and believe intellectually (in relationship with Christ) God can do; I struggle emotionally with what I believe God will do. Is he willing? Is there something wrong with me? I think that’s what it means to have faith in the midst of doubt because of the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1). What I feel isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know. What I doubt emotionally isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know intellectually and believe spiritually in my soul.
… in Christ Jesus
Things unseen… hmmm… You know what? God loves me so much that to confront my fear and worry, He gave me something I could see. It was a visible practical manifestation that God is at work in the process. While in the midst of a “mini-crisis” that wasn’t really a crisis at all but it felt like one at the time, my 90 plus-year-old mother-in-law told me she was praying that God is faithful. With my real crisis in mind I responded to her sarcastically , “We’ll see” (wondering what God is up to that this crisis is happening at all in the first place). When the “mini-crisis” was averted inexplicably, as I shared it with my wife, she said, “My mom prayed.” Instantly I broke down and wept as the Holy Spirit of God reminded me to trust him to be at work in the process. I shared my mini-crisis experience (in the midst of the actual crisis) with a dear counselor friend who told me, “God gave you something tangible that you can hang your hat on.”

So I know that the Lord does not find fault when I feel doubt and confusion driving my fear. And I did receive from him because He loves me. My real crisis lives on painfully and while I may struggle from time to time emotionally, intellectually I am certain that God is able and willing. I am trusting in the process of his work in my life as I endure through the problem of pain.
so let it grow…
If I could discipline my mind through, prayer, meditation, and worship to trust in the miraculous and restorative power of my gracious compassionate Savior (rescuer, defender, protector, deliverer)… I don’t know… maybe I wouldn’t doubt so much… maybe not at all. The reality for me is that I have not surrendered to the extent that I fully trust in the process of the work of God. With surrender comes full obedience unto the calling and purpose of God in my daily routine. How does one get to a place of surrender? Answer: Through prayer, meditation, and worship.
for when your endurance is fully developed…
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NKJV)

The “arguments” Apostle Paul is writing about is human reasoning that cannot accept or even conceptualize spiritual authority unless I am surrendering my thoughts and feelings into the care of spiritual God; to be captivated by spiritual truth. Doing so blows up the argument that God cannot or that God will not meet the need in my hour of peril. My human reasoning is a combination of intellect and emotion making up cognitive process. My intellect, which is more easily given to spiritual (Biblical) truth, wants very much to believe and trust God. My emotions react much more to what I fear since they tend to buy into—trust—the quantitative properties that I can see, hear, and touch. So ‘carnal’ and ‘flesh’ refers intellect rooted in quantitative experiences and emotions measuring the quality of my life experiences, calculating risk and reward. Since like most of you I tend to place more value on the impact of pain and loss than I do the impact of reward and gain—what I not want to experience over what I do want to experience—I tend to be motivated by, and I suppose overcome by, my reasonable fear over the wisdom of trusting God. When I am overcome by fear it becomes a stronghold in my flesh.

Fear is emotion driven by cognitive reasoning (the brain’s processing of experiences, thinking, and feelings) that is part of the human make up. Entertaining fear and doubt, rather than letting it go through surrender, is selfish. Being motivated and compelled by fear then is carnal, meaning impure. What and who is God? The Bible says that God is love. It also teaches and serves to reason that God is perfect.
you will be perfect and complete…
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18 (NKJV)
…needing nothing
Here’s the thing. Even in the madness of what feels like the perfect storm seeking to devour all involved in it, I know intellectually that God is faithful and will work it out altogether for the good for us who love him. I believe that. The key is to trust in what I believe, not in what I am feeling in the depths of the madness. I am at present in the depths of the madness of the perfect storm. At times I am confident (confidence is a feeling) in what I know; and at other times I am feeling doubt. Thank God he does not find fault with what I am feeling. As I seek him through prayer, meditation, worship, and obedient living, he will grant me acceptance, courage, and wisdom without measure. That is my challenge.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 (NLT)

Sometimes these kinds of teaching, especially that which you should have read in, “The Problem of Pain… a Study of the Father’s Discipline” are indeed difficult to comprehend. To consider life’s troubles to be opportunity to experience joy sounds at least a little bit crazy; yet when fully experienced, is amazing.

Many of his disciples said, “This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?” Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining, so he said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what will you think if you see the Son of Man ascend to heaven again? The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But some of you do not believe me.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning which ones didn’t believe, and he knew who would betray him.) Then he said, “That is why I said that people can’t come to me unless the Father gives them to me.” At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?” Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:60-69 (NLT)

What is your challenge, today? What is your perfect storm? Are you drowning beneath its waves?

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts (what you feel emotionally) and your minds (what you know intellectually) in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)
I can do all things…
Without going into the specifics of my crisis, I tried to write with enough vulnerability and candor here that you might be able to relate it to your challenges through that lens; allowing yourself as I have to be open to what God is wanting to work out in your life. Glean from this passage that as you worship and rejoice in your relationship with Christ by how you live, with an active prayer life, surrendering all, you will experience indescribable peace to empower you to live a whole lot less anxious than when you’re trying to manage problems and crises on your own.
through Christ Jesus…
God is working in you and producing through the madness of your perfect storm something perfect in you. As you live in the truth of what you have read here you will enter into the best of what God wants and has for you.
… who strengthens me
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

So, what is the real challenge for you and for me as we apply these truths?

Trusting in what we know rather than trusting in what we feel.

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (NLT)

Revision 1/11/2014:

I attended a sermon this evening by Keith Boucher, Pastor at Calvary Church, Naperville (outside of Chicago), IL. He spoke from John Chapter 20, when Mary doubted the presence of her Lord Jesus as she continued to grieve his death at his burial site. As she lamented the missing body of her friend and Savior, she wept in the presence of angels that may have presented themselves as ordinary men, perhaps perceived by Mary as tending to the tomb. The stone had been removed, so where had they put the body of Jesus? Then this from John Chapter 20:

11 Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. 12 She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. 13 “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her.

“Because they have taken away my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.”

14 She turned to leave and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize him. 15 “Dear woman, why are you crying?” Jesus asked her. “Who are you looking for?”

She thought he was the gardener. “Sir,” she said, “if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and get him.”

16 “Mary!” Jesus said.

She turned to him and cried out, “Rabboni!” (which is Hebrew for “Teacher”).

17 “Don’t cling to me,” Jesus said, “for I haven’t yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

18 Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I have seen the Lord!” Then she gave them his message.

The emphasis of the sermon, “In the Darkness of the Soul”, was the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ inhabiting our darkest times, even when it feels to dark to see Him. I wanted to raise my hand and speak of what it means to doubt in the madness of the perfect storm. The truth is that Mary knew intellectually the truth about Jesus. But she had not experienced His presence having been resurrected from the dead. In her pain, she wanted to experience His presence but did not know even to look for Him. Jesus, of course, did not find fault with Mary in the midst of her doubt and seized her doubt by calling out her name and asking her to seek Him. She did and she found Him.

Seek to find Jesus even in the darkest places. He is there. He will cast light into your darkness. He will be your peace in the madness. Have confidence in His presence as you boldly approach His throne in your time of need.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
It was nailed trough his cross, and I bear it no more,
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul!

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Post Script from my response to a reader on 2/15/13:

Sometimes it is hard to know whether the storm has passed or if I am simply in the eye of the storm experiencing temporary calm. I believe that as I cried out to Jesus, “I’m drowning!” He stood up to the perfect storm in my life and declared, “Peace!” First, there was calm to my heart and assurance came to my mind that Christ was being Christ. Since then, the madness of the storm has calmed. There is still heavy rain and a stiff breeze but the worst of it seems to have passed.

Bottom line… God is indeed faithful. He has clued me in to the message He has had for me all along but I needed the volume turned way up to really hear it. I heard. Now I must respond in obedience to the message. God used the storm for my good; that His work will be glorified in the good that I will do for the kingdom having endured and persevered through the trial. What an opportunity for great joy having come through it.

Stuck in the Heartache of Deferred Hope

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” —William Shakespeare

Here is a question to get things started:

Hebrews 4:14-16 tells us that Jesus is uniquely qualified as our advocate before the Father since He during His time in the flesh experienced everything common to the human experience—physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Can you think of a events in the Gospels when even Jesus experienced sickness of heart because of deferred hope?

There was the garden experience when Jesus was tempted understandably by human desire to change the plan He was originally a part of from the foundation of creation that required Him to be sacrificed in response to my free will to choose against the will of God. There is the crucifixion that lead to the severing of fellowship with the Father; and there was three days of who knows what that likely included condemnation for my sin and yours.

There may also be deferred hope in the human-like spirit of Jesus today in anticipation of the time of perfection when we will all join in Him in glory. There might even be the deferred hope for eternity while separated from those who rejected Him that may leave a portion of the heart of Jesus forever sick. It is in that vein that perhaps even Jesus, fully God, identifies with yearning for something even He can never have; fellowship with His sons and daughters who have rejected relationship with Him, and have therefore aligned themselves with their sins, the same sins condemned with Jesus in His crucifixion until His resurrection. I think I need to appreciate that more about my Lord.

The event I have in mind, however, is the time when Jesus would bring Lazarus back from paradise where he had realized the dream fulfilled having entered into the life and time of perfection with his Lord. Jesus brought him back and was not happy about it. Sure He was happy for his family and friends but I surmise that the heart of Jesus ached for Lazarus. In fact, the Gospel of John tells us that Jesus was deeply angered and troubled; perhaps because Lazarus would return to suffer in a life wrought with oppression and so much disappointment.

32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.”

40 Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” 41 So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me. 42 You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.” 43 Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!”

It is usually taught that Jesus was angry or frustrated at the lack of faith of his closest followers. I struggle with that. Except for the disciples, most had not seen a resurrection. His disciples had seen a young girl (the daughter of Jairus) resurrected that had been dead for a minute but Lazarus had been in a tomb for four days. I have to believe that the Son of God was bigger and deeper and more compassionate than someone who would be angry that believers doubted the possibility of resurrection; having seen their brother and friend suffer into death.

While Jesus could have been human enough to be a little bit unnerved when confronted by Mary, I do not for a moment believe he was deeply angry from his gut with her or anyone else. I don’t think he was mad at anyone. I think he was angry at evil and death and that he had regret about bringing Lazarus back from the life of the dream fulfilled to the sickness of deferred hope—that Lazarus will die yet again. I believe that being deeply angered and troubled comes from his own deferred hope making his own heart sick. It’s in that sense that Jesus brought Lazarus from life back to death—from resurrected new life back to the sin-produced process of imminent physical death.

Their was probably a festive celebration for the return of Lazarus. Jesus likely attended. But only Jesus and Lazarus would experience the heartache of deferred hope now that Lazarus knew what he was missing. Having been present with the Lord, Lazarus would understand better than anyone the fulfillment of the promise of the inheritance. Jesus loved Lazarus so much, I believe it broke his heart to bring Lazarus back into the evil and death of the world. It is the death and hate in the world that stinks so bad. Deeply distressed about it, Jesus wept for his friend. (For a deeper study of this read If I Only Knew Then What I Know Now)

To Be Honest…

I had not until recently even considered going deeper into the matter of hope. Then I attended a workshop in the western suburbs of Chicago by Margaret  Nagib, Psy.D. called From Hoping to Coping. Since then, the matter about what hope is and what hope is not, has revisited my mind on a number of occasions.

I recently had a conversation with the Director of the agency where I work about following my dream. I shared with him an interest of mine and he immediately sensed that I was talking about something bigger than just another opportunity. He said that there isn’t anyone who can tell him not to follow an pursue his dream. Not his wife; not his best friend; not his employer; no one. He encouraged me to follow my dream; my life’s calling.

What is your dream today? What are you hoping for?

Hope defined is “to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true.” Included in its definition is “to cherish a desire with anticipation”; “to desire with expectation of obtainment”; and “to expect with confidence”; meaning “to trust in”.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hopeof salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:1-5 (NLT)

So where does the problem lie? Why doesn’t this promise just solve everything for me? Why do I worry? Why am I anxious? Why so stressed? Why the heartache?

Author’s note: You will see that I write here in the first person. As you read, please read the following in the first person as in an attempt to gauge it might apply to you.

I can do all things in the strength of my relationship with Jesus, and indeed His grace is sufficient for me. So why do I ever doubt in the hope I have living within the confines of this transcendent reality of my life in Christ? Is it just me?

We are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. Philippians 3:20 (NLT)

Stuck in the Mud

The answer to these questions really is quite obvious when I dare to really think about it. It would appear that as long as I live in the human reality of this age, I have been set free from sin by the generous sacrifice of Jesus, bathed in grace, but my feet are still trudging through the mud, and I find myself preoccupied with how to move and get around in the mud. I become stuck until my heart grows sick. Especially when I know in my heart that, at least in theory, I have been set free. My focus of who I am in relationship with Jesus blurs until I do not even recognize that about myself.

“No,” Peter protested, “you will never ever wash my feet!”

Jesus replied, “Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.”

Simon Peter exclaimed, “Then wash my hands and head as well, Lord, not just my feet!”

Jesus replied, “A person who has bathed all over does not need to wash, except for the feet, to be entirely clean. And you disciples are clean, but not all of you.” For Jesus knew who would betray him. That is what he meant when he said, “Not all of you are clean.” John 13:8-11 (NLT)

Peter the disciple wanted for Jesus to wash him from head to toe, not understanding that in relationship with Christ he was in a good place; in good standing in the favor of the Lord God. By the grace of God, Peter was a citizen of heaven. Jesus told Peter that he didn’t need a bath; that only his feet were dirty. So Jesus graciously washed clean Peter’s feet.

Peter’s hope was tied to a man he needed to believe in. Peter, a Jewish man, tried tirelessly as a fisherman to raise his family under the tyranny of a supremacist government that didn’t have much use for him or his kind. Peter came into a relationship with Jesus Christ, and in Jesus was birthed Peter’s dream that would bring an end to reckless injustice and ring in freedom and the blessing of living under the reign of a just loving righteous king.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

Jesus spoke of needing to die so that mankind could live forever but Peter did not understand the good news in those words. Peter understood that Jesus was the Savior for him and his people against Roman oppression but that dream of better days would not be possible if the Savior is dead. It made know sense.

Then Peter witnessed his would-be king get arrested and sentenced to death. Jesus promised resurrection but only Jesus had the power to raise the dead. How could Jesus do that if he himself was dead? Who would resurrect Jesus?

Oh how Peter would struggle with that. Peter would again walk in some mud. Hope deferred made Peter’s heart very sick. The same man who walked on water with Jesus would struggle again in the mud to the point that he denied even knowing Jesus when overcome by the doubt of his experience; losing hope as his dream of freedom under the rule of a loving king died with Jesus.

Peter would be sick for a few more days until his hope was reborn as his dream came back to life. The substance of his hope was fulfilled in the evidence of the resurrection of his loving king. It wouldn’t even matter that Jesus would leave him again since this time the Spirit of the king would come in and live inside the mind and will of the man and all men and women that believe. While this king was not visible to the eye, his presence was manifest in the real-life experiences of believers. At it was then, it is now.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)

Peter would be so certain in his relationship with God in the person of Jesus Christ that he would realize the presence of God to the extent that the experience of miracles was realized through the ministry of Peter; all done under the authority of the Father as powerful as it was through the ministry of his predecessor, Jesus himself. Peter would live the rest of his life in the realization of his dream fulfilled since he functioned as a citizen of heaven; not at all preoccupied with the mud his feet were in. As he died a martyr—himself crucified (upside down), while it was most certainly physical torture, Peter prepared in his spirit to meet the loving king he had served in the power and authority of the Holy Spirit. His dream fulfilled was his tree of new life.

The same Spirit that lived in Peter some two thousand years ago is alive in me, and is alive in you through a relationship with the loving king, Jesus Christ. So why don’t I live each day with the confidence that comes through hope realized in the experience of being in relationship with Jesus as a citizen of heaven? Jesus Christ by His Spirit lives in me. Since Jesus is with me and within me, who can be against me that stands any chance of taking anything from me? Why do I fear? What do I fear? Why the doubt? Why the lack of faith? What’s missing in me that Peter fully understood and experienced years before he died?

When you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. Ephesians 1:13-14 (NLT)

I have experienced the presence of God by way of His Spirit alive within me. I am confident that I am in real relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ. I have the guarantee of the promised inheritance purchased by way of Christ’s sacrifice for my sin.

Are you getting this so far, because I am getting to the point.

Hope Deferred by Resisting Repentance 

The sickness in my heart is tied to my sin. It is forgiven sin but sin nonetheless. My sin nature is by nature dysfunctional in its addictive quality. So while I do confess my sin and God is faithful and just to forgive my sin (1 John 1:9)—meaning that when I confess my sin God has to forgive me since the debt for it was paid over the course of three days and nights in the sacrifice of His Son.

The issue then is not my standing in relationship with Christ. The issue at hand is the conflict within me that leaves me feeling unworthy. Scripture declares that you and I are worthy of the inheritance through the gracious gift of Christ’s sacrifice. However, I am holding on to the shame of my sin and for some reason cannot seem to let it go.

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate… If I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it… 

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Excerpts from Romans 7:14-25 (NLT)

While I do take some comfort that Apostle Paul wrote all that about my ambivalence to doing what is right and best, I am all too willing to settle for instant gratification to remedy my need. It is this conflict that robs me of the experience of the peace and joy that comes from the realized hope of the abundant life that Jesus promised. It is in my ambivalence (internal disagreement between conflicting desires and motivations) that I have conflict and am resistant to going all the way in my recovery from sin addiction. It is in the resistance to repentance that I am disobedient to right best living that is the product of humbly surrendering my will—my intentions, motives, and desires—and my life—my decisions, behavior, and circumstances—to the will and care of the living God.

The Desire Conflict

Break it all down and there is the conflict inherent in human desire, which, until the perfect comes (Philippians 2, 1 Corinthians 13) and I am walking the streets of gold in glory with Jesus, is selfish and driven by self-centered intentions. This is the truth physiologically, psychologically, and spiritually. My cognitive make up is such that I want what I want when I want it. And there are judgment centers of my brain that attempt to suggest that I don’t, that I shouldn’t, that I stop, or at least that I wait. These are neurological inhibitors helping me to use caution. However, they too are motivated by selfish intentions.

Apostle Paul wrote about doing what he did not want to do, and not doing what he did want to do. When it comes right down to it, no one does anything they don’t in some way want to do. I might not want to get up to go to work and will say that “I have to get up and go to work”, but what is really going on is that I want not to experience the consequence of not getting up to go to work, and therefore in the end actually do want to get up….. And so I do just that.

Even Paul got something out of doing what he claims he did not want to do—some kind of perceived benefit—so he wanted something out of the deal. Same thing with the claim of not doing what he wanted to do. There was some degree of perceived benefit to what he did instead. What he did was chase and settle for the instant gratification that was the object of his desire, motivated by selfish intentions contrary to the will of God.

There are contrasting definitions of the word ‘desire’. According to Dr. Nagib there is the subject of desire as the wishing of the heart longing and hoping for something grand and ultimately satisfying; and there is theobject of desire that is at the center of what the mind craves and covets.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. James 1:14-15 (NLT)

Desire in accordance with the will of God leads to the positive outcome of peace and joy in the fulfillment of something met through the resources of the One who has it all to give, meeting and exceeding every expectation as the resources of God are limitless and unending. Desire in accordance with the will of man leads to the negative outcome of instant gratification that at its best is fleeting until the realization of unmet expectation sinks in since the object of such desire proves dissatisfying in time; every time.

Dr. Nagib explained that the object of desire—a lustful covetous appetite—according to the will of man is the demise of mankind in the end. Of course Scripture supports this so powerfully when Paul writes…

I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control. Philippians 3:18-20 (NLT)

Those enemies of the cross of Christ lack the constitution for repentance since their lustful covetous cravings for this life here on earth, full of unmet expectation and unfulfilled appetite, are reliant on their lust for control. Feeding on the illusion that they are in control is what finally results in their demise… or as Paul put it, their destruction.

Surrendering control that I never really had in the first place is liberating since it isn’t given over to the wind to blow away, or into the sea to drown, or into the flames to burn, it rests in the promise of the hope that is the bridge to freedom and happiness under the sovereign authority of the Savior who is in complete control.

When Paul writes that he did what he did not want to do in the seventh chapter of Romans, I believe what he is saying is that he settled for instant gratification under what he felt he could control in the moment, forsaking the longing of his heart; that being the life-giving satisfaction in the far bigger picture of all that is under the control of Jesus Christ.

Why settle? Why did he and why do I stoop to seeking gratification in the earthly objects of carnal desire that leads to demise when I can literally dwell and abide in the experience of relationship with God, living in the realized hope of life with Jesus for an eternity… and then another… and another after that… an eternity of eternity.

That sounds so great, right? So then, why do I forsake or put off great for what is good enough… right now? Is that not the deferred hope that makes my heart sick… settling for just good enough, because hope for the time of perfection to come is not tangible enough for my selfish mind to comprehend?

So what is another word for the earthly objects of desire that prove to obstruct my view of the subject of my spiritual desire, the longing for the eternal plan and purpose of God to be fulfilled in my experience? Are you ready for it?

I don’t want to hear it, see it, or write it either.

The word for the object of my earthly desire is….. idol. That’s exactly what it is… a false god placed in front of God. It’s why Paul did what he didn’t want to do and didn’t do what he wanted to do. Like Paul, that is a real problem for me. You too?

You worship your idols with great passion… You worship them with liquid offerings and grain offerings… You have put pagan symbols on your doorposts and behind your doors. You have left me and climbed into bed with these detestable gods. You have committed yourselves to them. You love to look at their naked bodies… You grew weary in your search, but you never gave up. Desire gave you renewed strength, and you did not grow weary… excerpts from Isaiah 57 (NLT) that speak to the worship of earthly things

“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them.” Jonah 2:8 (NIV)

The power of repentance comes in the putting away of childish things and regaining perspective on what it is all about. It is in this sincere act of repentance that the mercies of God are new every morning. (I wrote “sincere repentance” but insincere repentance is not possible since it is not repentance at all. What is possible, I suppose, is insincere confession.)

The Hope of the Surrendered Life

What things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ. Philippians 3:7-8 (NKJV)

I won’t speak for anyone else, but I so struggle with this. For I know that I trust in things far too much and too often to appreciate what I have and who I am in relationship with Christ. It is my trust in things that I believe defers my hope for that which is eternally satisfying. What it takes, though, is counting all of these things as loss for the excellence—the satisfaction—of what is possible, today—right now—in this life surrendered to God.

Deferred hope in my stuff makes my heart grow sick since the outcome of trusting in myself is lacking and left wanting. I need to keep what God told the prophet Isaiah says in chapter 57 about trusting in the things in this earthly life that I have erected as idols; objects of human desire obstructing my view of the subject of what I long for…

“Let’s see if your idols can save you when you cry to them for help. Why, a puff of wind can knock them down! If you just breathe on them, they fall over! But whoever trusts in Me will inherit the land and possess My holy mountain (the best of God’s stuff).” Isaiah 57:13 (NLT)

When I say things, I am also speaking of relationships and circumstances that when I perceive are outside of the scope of what I believe I can control inevitably bring on anxiety and stress. But, oh, the difficulty of letting it go in obedient surrender in relationship with my Savior; not because it is required to be free of anxiety and stress, but because it is good and best for me to let go and surrender all things. They were never in my control in the first place. But what do I know?

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses (is better than) all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 (NKJV)

So, if hope deferred makes the heart sick, and dreams fulfilled is central to a happy life, and as Paul wrote, the Lord Jesus Christ is involved right now (“the Lord is at hand”), then it is time to be celebrating that. This passage is not a command to stop being anxious (I can’t just turn it off) , it is a call to rejoice! Let me say it again… it is a call to rejoice! If I could actually get that, perhaps I wouldn’t be so reluctant to give up my stuff. If I let it go, it only makes sense that I am releasing with my stuff the anxiety and stress attached to it; opening the door to sustainable peace and joy.

Jesus said that the devil hopes to manipulate me through guile and deception so that I will focus so much on myself that I takes my eyes off the prize, unable to see the forest for the trees. If I am consumed with what I want and then when I don’t get it I get uncomfortable, I will settle for an immediate remedy that is ‘good enough’ and ‘better than it was’.

The Hope of the Satisfied Life

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.John 10:10

The best that Jesus has for me is the abundant life found in the tree of life in relationship with Him. The problem with receiving this blessing is that my hands are so full of my things that I obtained on my own in my strength, I am unable to receive what He is handing me. Worse than that is that I need only to let go and lay down my burden but I am unwilling since I have lost focus. What I am carrying is stacked so high that I don’t even recognize what God wants and has for me. And sadly, if what I am carrying was food, it would be a whole lot of empty calories with no nutritional value. What God has for me and for you is His very best.

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Matthew 6:27 (NLT)

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. Matthew 6:21 (NLT)

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)

The longer I dwell on this topic the more I understand that deferred hope is misdirected desire. The longer I perceive that I am content with my remedy for increasing discomfort, the more of a malcontent I become. The more I focus on my problem of what is missing the more I miss out on what God wants and has for me. He wants to bless me with his best while I continue to settle for blessing myself with what I can come up with, and the more I worry about what I cannot control and have never controlled. The more I struggle with what I cannot control the more I treasure the remedy I desire to address my growing dissatisfaction.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?Romans 7:24 (NLT)

Then I am like the disciple Peter who denied his Lord and Savior, even though he loved Jesus, because he no longer knew Him and could not trust in what he didn’t know and understand. Peter had sunk so deep into the mud of his own pain that he did not appreciate what was happening in the grand scheme of things; something so big it would change the course of history forever.

As I take my eyes off Jesus, stuck in the mud of all my stuff, attending to my discomfort, the less I know Him and the less I trust Him, deferring hope due to my lack of faith.

Jesus said to look higher and bigger and focus on the Kingdom of God in relationship with Him. The Kingdom of God is eternal and glorious. It is the age of resurrection into grace, and it is at hand. That means it is right now. It is immediate. It is to be experienced today; the substance of things hoped for and in its experience the evidence of things unseen (that when the time of perfection comes will be seen). It is knowing with assurance that what I long for will in fact happen. It is realized hope. I can trust it with absolute confidence.

Jesus said, as a citizen of heaven, to focus on and seek by experience the Kingdom of God and experience all that is right and best while living in it… TODAY! The peace and the joy is in realizing the hope that is real and certain… the sure thing until the time of perfection comes. It is in the experience of living in the very best of this new life experience that it is at work in me beyond what I would dare to imagine or even think in my finite mind to ask.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

Because I’m Worth It! (Worthy of His Best & The Rest)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

“He has brought me to his banquet hall,
And his banner over me is love.” Song of Solomon 2:4 (NASB)

The wedding and reception between the Bridegroom and His bride is soon upon us. This is my study of such a love shared and fought over in the mind of the embattled disciple’s struggle to be disciplined in thought and consistent deed as that day approaches.

I have written that perhaps my biggest conflict living by faith in what God will do for me in this life is that of unworthiness. I believe God for my salvation in relationship with Christ Jesus, which is the biggest miracle of all for each and every one of us, but I am challenged to believe God for what I want in this life. You see, I need salvation, justification, sanctification and all that. And God will bless me with what I need. But what I want is another story entirely; even if what I want appears to be consistent with God’s calling on my life.

Alright… Am I alone in this? Does anyone else out there relate to this at all?

When it comes to what I think of myself and my God-given ability to answer what I believe to be God’s calling on my life, I am up to the challenge… the calling… ready for the big thing that God has for me along this journey in ministry. But when it comes to my carnal flesh and the things that dance merrily in my head, well… there is no way that God can bless me and be true to Himself. And if He can, there is no way that He will.

I am in no way worthy of the full compliment of blessing! Believers blessed by God are humble faithful servants living wholesome obedient righteous lives… the life that God intends for those that claim to love God heart, soul, mind, and strength; loving their neighbors as they love themselves. That’s not me. I am way too selfish.

I know it! God knows it!

Sounds like the victorious Christian life, doesn’t it?

I have had countless meaningful faith-driven experiences in my life with Jesus. He is so good to me and to my family. My wife loves the Lord. I have three awesome sons and two young grandsons that love their “grammy” and “grampy”. Last year included a time of adversity for me and my family beyond anything we could have imagined and God brought us through it, as He clearly informed me in advance that He would through tangible indication that had no other explanation except that it was all in His hands.

But how quickly I forget. I want more; and I want it according to my plan in my time. And considering the nature and objective of the plan, God should want it for me. While there have been some indicators along the way that this vision I have—that I believed was God inspired—is actually going somewhere, it hasn’t happened yet… at least, not the way I envisioned it… and I’m not getting any younger.

The only logical conclusion to be drawn from these unfulfilled dreams is that I am not worthy of that kind of blessing. That has to be it!

What does it mean that I am not worthy of blessing into God’s best for me? If that were true, what it would mean is that I am not worth it to be blessed into God’s best. That, however, has already been proven not to be the case. God sent His best in the person of His Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the steepest price possible as a ransom in exchange for my life. He has already blessed me into His best. What’s wrong with me not to be content with that?

Once for All

1 The old system under the law of Moses was only a shadow, a dim preview of the good things to come, not the good things themselves. The sacrifices under that system were repeated again and again, year after year, but they were never able to provide perfect cleansing for those who came to worship. 2 If they could have provided perfect cleansing, the sacrifices would have stopped, for the worshipers would have been purified once for all time, and their feelings of guilt would have disappeared.

3 But instead, those sacrifices actually reminded them of their sins year after year. 4 For it is not possible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. 5 That is why, when Christ came into the world, he said to God,

“You did not want animal sacrifices or sin offerings. But you have given me a body to offer.
6 You were not pleased with burnt offerings or other offerings for sin.
7 Then I said, ‘Look, I have come to do your will, O God—as is written about me in the Scriptures.’”

8 First, Christ said, “You did not want animal sacrifices or sin offerings or burnt offerings or other offerings for sin, nor were you pleased with them” (though they are required by the law of Moses). 9 Then he said, “Look, I have come to do your will.” He cancels the first covenant in order to put the second into effect. 10 For God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time. Hebrews 10:1-10 (NLT)

Scripture informs us in a few places that God does not really want our sacrifice, He desires obedience. It is both a blessing and a curse for me due to my warped thinking. The blessing is that God is not all that impressed with my sacrifice anyway, so why stress over that. However, an obedient routine and lifestyle is paramount to the normal Christian life. Does this mean that God doesn’t particularly care if I fast when I pray? Not necessarily. If my fast is lost in willful disobedience then it is entirely ineffective… meaningless. (I say willful disobedience in the sense that I might take on a God-will-forgive-me-anyway approach to wrestling with before succumbing to temptation without much of a fight.)

The Best Blessing

Question: If God has already blessed me with His best when He sent His son to lay down His divine privilege in order give up his life for me, why would He withhold the “lesser blessings”?

That is a question, alright. God has already given me His best so that I can rest in the assurance of my salvation, yet I admit that I struggle to believe that I am worthy enough (if there is such a thing) to experience much personal blessing in this life on earth. God has chosen me to serve and live for Him. He has gifted me with the ability and, dare I say, talent to reach those lost and bound in sin addiction with a message of recovery that makes so much sense to them. When I sin, I believe I am forgiven in the merciful grace that saves me for eternity but that I have to pay the price for my disobedience; that price being withheld blessing.

To convince myself that I am not worthy of the lesser or lower blessing compared to the blessing of Christ’s sacrifice and the Spirit of God living in me, is to convince myself that I am not worth it—not worth everything that Christ has already done for me. Have you ever give someone a gift and they insist that they cannot accept it and will not receive it? Or if they finally do so, it is with reluctance and it’s almost like they are mad at you for feeling forced to receive such a wonderful gift?

How did you, or do you, feel about that?

When someone expresses a kind of unworthiness about accepting such a generous gift from you—generous in the fact that you were so happy and passionate about offering such a gift—it can sour the relationship. It doesn’t taste right. I wonder how God feels when we are reluctant to receive from Him to the point that we doubt and, in our doubt, become resistant to receiving from THE gift-giver. It’s like the gift-giver has given me a brand new mansion to live in (way beyond what I can afford) and he has offered to furnish this huge house. It is as if I were to say, “Thank you for this beautiful home but I am not worthy of its furnishings.” How much sense does that make? How am I worthy enough to accept the house, and willing move in and live in it, but I am not worthy of the furniture? Again, how does that make any sense at all?

A Love Story

The context of what King Solomon penned (“His banner over me is love”) is the love story for all time; the chase that is the bridegroom in hot pursuit of His bride. In relationship with Jesus Christ, we have entered into marriage with Him. We are in covenant with Him; a blessed covenant that is a holy union.

This is both liberating and haunting for me. I am set free in the love of my Savior Christ Jesus while at the same time held captive by what to me are failed expectations (His for me) due to my habitual disobedient thinking and behavior that I allow to rob me of the fullness of His blessing in my life.

Being honest with you, I don’t altogether believe that my feeling unworthy to experience the wealth of God’s blessing is a lie of Satan or the truth about my rebellion. I am surrendered to a point in my recovery from sin into the Christian life, but like the parable of the rich young ruler, I am not sure that I have sold out and bought in entirely to the surrendered life. I believe in it as the precept for experiencing the transformed life, but does my lifestyle choices reflect what I say I believe?

What obstacles do I put in the way of what is best and right in relationship with Jesus (the bridegroom)? How am I distracted from doing what is pleasing to Him? How am I unfaithful in my relationship with Him?

My relationship with the Bridegroom is intolerant of placing others before Him. He does not find favor with licentious fantasies and/or lifestyle choices and will not be mocked. Yet somehow I will engage my imagination in a reality that does not exist; where apparently God does not exist. Because if He did exist there, I would fear Him there as well.

For we are each responsible for our own conduct… Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant… Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. Galatians 6:5, 7, 8a (NLT)

These are words from the Bible that occasionally haunt me. I am at times ashamed about the thoughts I allow to live rent-free in my head. These things that I think and do run contrary to the life I really want to live as a man who truly loves God and is at peace when living obediently in the will of God. When I fail in disobedience contrary to the will of God, I struggle to trust in the promised blessing from God in relationship with Jesus. I hate engaging in this conflict.

14 The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Romans 7:14-24 (NLT)

The fact that I am in conflict engaging in disobedient thinking and behavior is the act of God’s Spirit convicting me of my sin; the sin between my ears. If I am not in real relationship with Christ, I can all but guarantee that there is no inner conflict or internal disagreement between what I know to be right and good and what I feel I want or perceive that I need in those moments.

The Apostle Paul wrote that this the internal struggle between what I agree intellectually that God can do in my life and the emotional doubt about what God will do. When emotion drives intention there is the tendency to settle for ‘good enough’ since it is better than it was, and then commit acts of disobedience contrary to the purpose of God. When I am trusting God with confidence that He is in control of my life with the best of intentions for me, I am motivated to drive down that road.

I have not forgotten a conversation I had with the late great Robert Schmidgall (Senior Pastor, Calvary Church, Naperville, IL until 1998) some twenty years ago. He told me about a very important wealthy man who was hiring a driver and asked this question to the applicants: How close can you drive to the edge of the cliff without going over it? The first two applicants boasted of their driving ability and the skillful approach and technique that goes into hugging the edge of the cliff while driving the man to his destination on time. The third candidate spoke of how he would not go anywhere near the edge of the cliff, staying as close to the mountain as he can, and taking as much time as necessary to get the man to his destination. Guess who got the job?

The mountain in this case is the life that God intends for me in relationship with Jesus. The mountain is the relationship I have with God. Key to this relationship is fellowship with God. The road is my journey through this life. On the other side of the cliff is the life without Jesus and everything that comes when I lose my way and drive over the edge of the cliff. Driving off the cliff would mean falling out of fellowship with God. If driving on the edge means risking fellowship in relationship with Jesus, how close to the edge of the cliff do I want to be driving in relationship to the mountain?

The mountain also represents the love of God. How close to the edge of the cliff do I want to be driving, distancing myself from feeling loved by God? Even the edge of the cliff is still a part of the mountain where I experience God’s love, but why drive so close to the edge, putting this transformative experience at risk?

The Work

This beautiful love affair we have in relationship with Jesus is made possible because He first loved us. What does this mean?

7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, (then) you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! 8 When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.

9 “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. 10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. 16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. John 15:7-16 (NLT)

Let me be frank with you. As I am writing, not until now did I plan to use this passage from the Gospel of John. And not until I used it just now did I fully realize the impact it would have on me until right now, around 2:30 a.m. on Saturday night. This incredible promise is just what the doctor ordered for this beleaguered soul who has been plagued by a heavy sense of unworthiness in the call to deliver this message to you.

To suggest that I am not worthy of this calling is to suggest that I am not worth any of it, including my salvation in the first place. God will call those whom He deems worthy whether or not I entirely believe it. “If you remain in Me and My words remain in you” speaks to relationship not perfection. The relationship between Jesus Christ and this servant is not dependent on my condition before Him. This relationship works and the work is productive and effective because of His condition in relationship with me. He is righteous and perfect and I am righteous and perfected because of who He is in this relationship. I believe in Him and I am His disciple and He considers me His friend in the context of the mission. In the context of the family, I am His son, and in the context of the Kingdom, I am among His bride.

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:9-12 (NIV)

While it is my responsibility to pursue right living through obedience in my daily Christian life of recovery from sin, it is not my place to judge myself unworthy of His calling on my life. God looks upon me and He sees the righteousness of Christ. It is in that righteousness that I am qualified to be blessed by God as He sees fit, regardless of how I feel about it. It is through that lens that He encourages my soul and empowers my spirit to forge on to endeavor in the work of spreading this gospel however He sees fit that I do it.

I cannot earn my stead in the economy of God’s kingdom. How ever the favor of God shines upon me it isn’t by way of anything I did to earn it. I am called to bear fruit for the enrichment of the kingdom from a heart of love for those in need of mercy, peace, joy, and rest. Not because I am a slave in debt to my master, but as free, delighting in the new life in relationship with my friend Jesus in the work of a common purpose; that which I understand in my deepest sensibilities must be accomplished; and motivated by love for those in need of the same provision given to me.

There are chosen servants around the world martyred, not so much for their faith, but for the work they are doing to advance the kingdom of God. They take the stand to choose delighting in the favor of God over that of man in a way that is noticed by enforcers of the laws of the land (both written and unwritten) and they pay dearly for it; persecuted for His name’s sake. Compelled by the work, regardless of cost, in certain parts of the world, can cost the worker everything in this life. The greater reward isn’t experienced here in this life. There is an anticipated eternal reward that cannot be measured.

Desired Favor

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

Transformed by a renewed mind in relationship with Christ (Romans 12:2), I am thinking differently with the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2), with new (His) desire and motivation, able to discern finite human reasoning from infinite spiritual reason. Don’t get me wrong, it is there that lies the conflict for me. I feel a strong sense of guilt, regret and remorse over things that in my human reasoning ordinarily meet with thoughts of entitlement with reasonable justification for entertaining and acting on those thoughts and feelings. But operating in the context of the new life with new and much improved desires and motivations adjusting my perception of what I need, I can more effectively discern the plans of God as they conflict with my selfish motivations. So the more I trend toward choosing to indulge in my selfishness, the more I feel wrong and unclean about it; writhing in a prevailing sense of unworthiness to even be called by God to do anything.

Now there’s a word… discern. ‘Discern’ is defined by Miriam-Webster as “to detect with the eyes”; “to detect with senses other than vision”; “to recognize or identify as separate and distinct”; “to come to know or recognize cognitively”; which adds up to “to see or understand the difference.”

For me, to discern is to be able to do the math; solve the equation. It is disseminating intellectual sensibility while taking into account emotional response to circumstance and experience, and drawing some kind of conclusion. To be involved in the plan of God is to willingly engage in the pursuit of God’s best for my life, motivated to produce fruit through the extension and expansion of the love of God through humble service. It is there that I experience intrinsically the transformed life. So how is it that God has preserved and enriched my life to the extent that He has already, yet I walk around in the hesitation of what God will do for me when to God it is the “lesser blessing”?

So here’s the deal. For me and for anyone else out there that can relate to this, God sent His only Son as the only mandated sacrifice qualified to rescue and deliver us from our sin and sinful condition. In relationship with God through relationship with His Son, we have acknowledged my sin through confession, turning from sin through repentance, believing that only the sacrifice of Jesus is sufficient to be free from sin. We have been declared worthy to become sons and daughters of the living God of the entire universe. As sons and daughters of God, we have been promised the inheritance, which is the best of who God is and what He owns, which is everything. It is His desire and His plan to bless each of His sons and daughters into His best.

Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Romans 8:32 (NLT)

Discern that!

I’m well aware that the point’s been made for some time and now I am droning on and on about this. It’s just so important! Please receive it.

Rejoice in the day that the Lord has made. Let me say it again; rejoice!

Why? Well… Because I am worth it! At least that’s what I read in the Word of the Living God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

The Problem of Pain… A Study of the Father’s Discipline

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom for MEdom Project

… also, consider reading the sequel to this article, “Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm”

There is physical pain, psychological pain, and spiritual pain. Jesus said that we are to love God body, mind, heart, and soul. But when we wander off course, we do so physically, cognitively, behaviorally, and spiritually. Sometimes it becomes necessary for God to do what is needed to get us back on course to keep us from running away from home. And sometimes it hurts… sometimes it hurts a lot.

“The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it. Now error and sin both have this property, that the deeper they are the less their victim suspects their existence; they are masked evil. Pain is unmasked, unmistakable evil; every man knows that something is wrong when he is being hurt.” —C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Since I originally wrote this article, I have found myself in a situation that will challenge my faith in the midst of intense pain and injury. It is difficult to understand and accept what God intends to reveal to me and how he intends to challenge me.

One thing I am learning these days is that the faith I feel can be different from the faith I know. I know intellectually and spiritually that God loves me and that he is faithful. I am coming to believe that when I feel doubt and anxiety that it is different from the doubt, divided loyalty, and double-mindedness the apostle James speaks of in the New Testament. Even upon hearing from the Lord, while feeling assurance talking about it with my pastor, I experience feelings of intense anxiety and fear at various times throughout my day. But what I know to be true in what I heard and saw from God is the grace that allows me to sleep soundly when my emotional mind is unconscious and not driving thoughts.

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:5-8 (NLT)

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8 (NIV)

The way the narrative goes in this passage, it reads like God will punish you if you doubt and will choose not to bless you, protect you, deliver you, or provide for you. I don’t think that is how this passage is to be interpreted. I don’t think God’s ego is such that He is offended if you doubt, so He will turn His back on you in a huff. Rather, should I doubt in what God can do, why would I expect to receive from Him what in my mind He cannot or will not do?

I believe that James is writing that God does not find fault with my emotionally-driven fear and anxiety when I come seeking from Him everything from wisdom to a miracle. Because should I doubt God’s ability to engage, work, and move in my circumstances due to an intellectual conclusion of disbelief that God is God, and I turn to alternative remedies to manage fear and anxiety, then I am wavering and in the gusty winds of divided loyalty. It is then I am double-minded and unstable in pursuit of feeling a sense of resolution. It is then that I am lost like sheep without a shepherd. While James writes then that I ought not to expect to receive anything from the Lord it doesn’t mean that I won’t receive from Him. James is speaking about my state of mind. He is saying that I will have lowered my expectations of what God can and will do. Especially if I have committed to something or someone other than God, why would I expect to receive from God?

I’ll say it again… If I have concluded that I probably will not receive much, if anything from God, why would I expect to receive much, if anything from God? It’s a reasonable hypothesis. There really won’t be any relief from pain, fear, and worry should I altogether not believe in what God can do. It’s common sense at that point. I’m an emotional mess from the empty conclusions I have drawn intellectually about what God can and will do. Absent is the hopeful anticipation of Godly intervention that would calm my nerves and speak to my spirit.

Thank God I believe intellectually and spiritually in what God can do. Too often, though, I question my faith because I doubt on an emotional level. I need to stop the practice of riding my feelings until I feel guilty that I doubt God. I feel guilty doubting God because of what I know and believe intellectually (in relationship with Christ) God can do; I struggle emotionally with what I believe God will do. Is He willing? Is there something wrong with me? I think that’s what it means to have faith in the midst of doubt because of the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen (Hebrews 11:1). What I feel isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know. What I doubt emotionally isn’t necessarily a reflection of what I know intellectually and believe spiritually.

Things unseen… hmmm. You know what? God loves me so much that the other day to confront my fear and worry, He gave me something I could see. It was a visible practical manifestation that God is at work in the process. While in the midst of a “mini-crisis” that wasn’t really a crisis at all, my 90 plus-year-old mother-in-law told me she was praying that God is faithful. I responded sarcastically with my real crisis in mind, “We’ll see” (wondering what God is up to that this crisis is happening at all in the first place). When the “mini-crisis” was averted inexplicably, as I shared it with my wife, she said, “My mom prayed.” Instantly I broke down and wept as the Holy Spirit of God reminded me to trust Him to be at work in the process. I shared my experience with a dear counselor friend who told me, “God gave you something tangible that you can hang your hat on.” So I know that the Lord does not find fault when I feel doubt and confusion driving my fear. And I did receive from Him because He loves me. My real crisis lives on painfully and while I may struggle from time to time emotionally, intellectually I am certain that God is able and willing. I am trusting in the process of His work in my life as I endure through the problem of pain.

As you read this and consider the injurious nature of your own pain and struggle, take caution not to trust your emotional reaction that may suggest to you that you lack faith because of emotionally-driven doubt. If you are dealing with pain and crisis while you read this, be careful not to get caught up emotionally that bad things are happening in your life because God has judged you and is punishing you. This is about the discipline of a LOVING FATHER for children He loves and nurtures and blesses generously from a place of compassionate grace and MERCY.

But just like discipline can be painful in the short term, the long term benefit and ultimate reward is immeasurable and unimaginable. God is in the process of working. He is working in the process. Trust in the process of God’s work. (I am writing this to myself as I am writing it to you.)

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

Are you ready for it? Let’s go.

“Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds. In just a short time he will restore us, so that we may live in his presence. Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.” Hosea 6:1-3 (NLT)

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world… No doubt pain as God’s megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. It removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul.” —C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I have typically struggled with the notion that the loving compassionate God who paid a rich ransom to save me would turn around and deliberately punish me. I figured that there were natural consequences to my selfish sinful behavior and I have been accepting of such consequences; even though I might dread that real life consequences are on the way. I have lived by the precept that I ought humble myself or be humbled by the just and jealous God. While I may not like it, I ought discipline myself or be disciplined by the righteous and holy God.

I don’t like it… I don’t like it at all. Isn’t it enough that life on planet earth has its share of pain? Is it true that God would inflict pain against me? Does God do that?

“The world is a dance in which good, descending from God, is disturbed by evil arising from the creatures, and the resulting conflict is resolved by God’s own assumption of the suffering nature which evil produces.” —C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

The Good Shepherd

This is inspired by the sermon I heard in church this morning. Pastor Aaron Koehler talked about how sheep that would continually go its own way, venturing from the flock into dangerous territory despite the efforts of the shepherd to redirect the sheep, would have its legs broken by the shepherd. The shepherd would then bind the legs together like a splint to begin the healing. While the sheep was healing and couldn’t support its own weight to walk, the shepherd would carry the sheep until it would walk on its own willingly following the lead of its shepherd. The difference is that while being carried during the time of healing it is essential that the sheep fully depends on the leading of the good shepherd.

As I spoke with Pastor Aaron after the service it hit me. Oh, how I love it when it comes like that. Here it is… Jesus was slain from the foundation of the world. Jesus Christ was the lamb who’s legs may have literally been broken, not because he was wandering astray but because I was heading for hell—eternal pain. Jesus stepped in front of that roaring train of eternal death, his legs may have have broken on the cross. (I say Christ’s legs may have been broken because Scripture points out only that the criminals dying on crosses on either side of Jesus did have their legs broken, to disable the ability to breathe, hastening death by suffocation for burial before Passover. Most likely, Jesus had already died of a broken spirit.) I suppose it could be said that as Jesus carried his cross that he carried the sins of mankind upon his shoulders; our legs broken to arrest us from sin so that the debt of sin could be paid as Jesus took our pain and suffering so that we could be set free. He had already been beaten and would go on to experience excruciating pain, even that of condemnation for three days and nights.

Torn apart, injured and disabled in the belly of the earth, the loving Father of the Son carried him from the depths of hell all the way to the throne of grace at His right hand. This Son had not experienced grace until He became grace for you and for me. Grace for Jesus required immeasurable pain. Sometimes grace for you and me requires measurable pain in this lifetime so that we can be absolutely free of pain throughout eternity.

“We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character.” 
—C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

One of my least favorite scriptures is Hebrews Chapter 12 that speaks to God’s discipline like that of a loving father from a heart of love for his child.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT)

While that is encouraging and inspiring, it doesn’t solve the problem. I am the sheep that keeps wandering off doing my own thing my own way. My sin won’t kill me. Jesus took care of that. I have been justified by faith in relationship with Him. But from time to time sin trips me up; sometimes much more easily than it should considering my sincere claim to love God and abhor evil. I am meant in Christ to be victorious as I run the race, enduring the aches and pains that come from running. But when I take my eyes off the Shepherd I drift into dangerous territory that I suppose could be quite painful in this lifetime in the flesh. I don’t know. Is it possible that I could drift so far off course that I might reject Christ? Is it possible? I sure hope not but God would know.

Maybe the Spirit of God is communicating to me what Jesus said to the man he had healed from paralysis when he encountered him drifting astray around the pagan temple. Either way, the Good Shepherd intervenes by whatever means necessary to put me back on course with the rest the flock running toward the ultimate reward. What did Jesus say to the man he had healed?

Afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.” John 5:14 (NLT)

I have always thought that Jesus meant that “something worse” is the death of eternal suffering. That is likely what he meant. But what if he meant that it wasn’t enough that the Good Shepherd broke the man’s legs to prevent him from certain destruction until Jesus would intervene? What if Jesus meant that it might require even harsher discipline to save the man’s life once healed?

“The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of God who loves, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word ‘love’ and look on things as if man were the center of them.” —C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

So the Bible is clear that Jesus is my Shepherd, apparently willing to break my legs if that’s what it takes to keep me on course. Scripture tells me—warns me—to keep my eyes on Jesus lest something worse happen to me. While the “something worse” may not be eternal suffering and pain, it could very well be something that could really wreck my life in terms of the quality of this lifetime here on earth.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on. You knew these jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage; but He is building a palace. He intends to come in and live in it Himself.” —C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

The Loving Father

And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said,

“My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and don’t give up when he corrects you.
For the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”

As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. Hebrews 12:5-11 (NLT)

So if my Heavenly Father is motivated by love, what am I so afraid of when it comes to a loving father disciplining his child? Perhaps it’s because my dad was motivated by love when he disciplined me growing up, and there is no doubt that there were times when I know he was angry as he tore me up. He was not abusive but definitely adhered to the proverb “spare the rod, spoil the child.” What I think tore me up more was that I disappointed by dad. Letting him down was the injurious effect on me from my dad’s discipline. As a child I didn’t understand that to not discipline his son would suggest that the father didn’t love his son; to the extent that he would have rejected and disowned me. My father’s discipline was indeed evident proof that my dad loved me and that I was indeed his.

Would God Do That?

As Pastor Aaron was making impassioned points about the relationship between God’s discipline and His love for us I could here my young friend offering quiet affirmations under her breath as she applied the meaning to her life. My friend is in her late twenties. A few years back she needed a ride home and was involved in a horrific car accident. Not wearing her seat belt, she was thrown from the driver’s side back seat to the passenger’s side back seat. It’s been reported that her head hit the closed door so hard it popped the door open and she was catapulted from the vehicle. She was kept in a coma for a couple of weeks while the swelling in her brain gradually subsided. Her brain stem was crushed. If she lived, it was likely she would be paralyzed and not walk again. There was so much prayer for her.

The reason she needed a ride home is that she was too drunk to drive. She was often too drunk and high. An extremely impulsive young lady, while in her early twenties she was heavy into drugs and alcohol; following in the footsteps of her alcoholic mother and stepfather. She hadn’t had much of a relationship with her biological father. She was definitely on course for destruction and doom.

When she was a young girl, my wife and I had opportunity to take her to church. It was something she wanted to do. By the time she was in high school, though, all that had changed. She had gone her own way. Whenever we saw her she was friendly and it was clear that she was fond of us. We were fond of her and prayerfully concerned for her. She would become increasingly distant as she sank deeper and deeper into her addiction.

Even her alcoholic mother was praying for her in earnest as she was laid up in a hospital bed following the accident. While in the hospital she woke up. She could not speak or walk. She needed help for everything. She would be in the hospital and then rehab for several months. Eventually she would talk and even walk. Her gait isn’t the most steady, she uses a cane for assistance, but her life is a walking, talking miracle. She is even driving and has been for a couple of years now.

So how do you think she responded to the scripture from Hosea that reads “He has torn us to pieces… He has injured us”? Honestly, as I sat next to her, I had not considered how this message applied specifically to her. But then the pastor read this passage as it was printed on the large screen behind him:

“When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.
But the more they were called, the more they went away from me.
They sacrificed to the Baals and they burned incense to images.
It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize it was I who healed them.
I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love.
To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them.”
Hosea 11:1-4 (NIV)

Pastor Aaron drove home the point that God does what He does as a Father to His children (tearing down the parts of us that our leading us to ruin) so that He can remake us into something so much better than we were. I heard her respond very quietly, “Yes”. When he stressed the need for our Father’s discipline, she said affirmatively, “In His own way.” Wow! She gets it. In the past year, she is back in church, she’s been baptized in water, and has grown into something beautiful and special as a woman who loves her Savior and everything that comes with that.

Did God really do that to her? Did God deliberately put this young lady in harm’s way to be literally torn apart, put through so much pain and struggle, still injured to the extent that she struggles continually each day of her life? I would hate to think so. I am very uncomfortable with that. Most people would be. Only a cruel judgmental punishing God could do something like that, right? But she seems to be resolutely comfortable with that. She believes that God either allowed or put her through all of it to save her life forever. Only a loving Father would go to such lengths to save the life of HIS child for all eternity.

Many of his disciples said, “This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?” Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining, so he said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what will you think if you see the Son of Man ascend to heaven again? The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But some of you do not believe me.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning which ones didn’t believe, and he knew who would betray him.) Then he said, “That is why I said that people can’t come to me unless the Father gives them to me.” At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?” Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:60-69 (NLT)

To my friend, the Good Shepherd and loving Father broke her legs because she was so insistent on running directly into certain destruction apart from the goodness of His grace. Remarkably, she is comfortable with that! She recognizes that the loving Father put His Son through so much more so that all she would have to face is an earthly tragedy that brought her back into the fold. She loves her Heavenly Father for doing that for (not against) her.

Loving Each Other

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)

The Hebrews writer is on to something. He is saying that the root of bitterness is a poison that is so powerful that someone may even resist the grace of God overcome by resentment. I suppose one way to buffer the discipline of my loving Father is to become vulnerable and entrust my character flaws to the judgment of others that I trust to be honest and forthright with me. The strongest, most righteous God fearing, God loving person is most vulnerable to the forces of jealousy and resentment. The ego is most fragile for any human being and we often do not realize when we are most tempted to go to those places that can cripple a person. The concern and support of a brother or sister operating in the love of Jesus will save me from myself if I submit myself into accountability to a few people I know I can trust. In the recovery field we would call this person a sponsor; a mentor and friend in recovery. Part of self-discipline is a willingness to submit to the discerning wisdom one who knows me and has sincere concern for me.

He is God, I am Not

“The proper good of a creature is to surrender itself to its Creator—to enact intellectually, volitionally, and emotionally, that relationship which is given in the mere fact of its being a creature. When it does so, it is good and happy.” —C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

What I believe is that God is God and I am not. I need to live as though God is God, I am not, and from a heart of love my Heavenly Father will discipline me as a loving father would. But being that I have grown, it is time to put away once and for all childish things. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a good time. It means I don’t have to indulge in mischievous and deviant folly to have a good time. God created fun! He came up with joy and happiness! He is satisfaction! Why can’t I experience contentment in the joy and happiness that comes in bringing Him pleasure? I want to experience authentic unencumbered joy.

I need a shepherd to keep me on course. I need discipline to direct and guide me and keep me in the fold. You need a shepherd to direct and guide and keep you in the fold. While we are healing from the wounds of the Shepherd’s discipline we are more likely to fully depend on the lead of the Good Shepherd. Understand, if we are so headstrong as to breach the sensibility of a righteous life into the very best of God’s plan and purpose for us (for our benefit), He will do whatever it takes to keep us close to Him… whatever it takes. We may appear to be lost from time to time; but then the Good Shepherd searches for us until we are found. That is amazing grace.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever. Psalm 23 (NKJV)

“If tribulation is a necessary element in redemption, we must anticipate that it will never cease till God sees the world to be either redeemed or no further redeemable.” —C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Consider reading the sequel to this article, “Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm”

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
It was nailed trough his cross, and I bear it no more,
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well, with my soul!

It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.