by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project…

Pop Goes the Weasel… Managing Conflict, Anger, & Resentment

Anger and one’s reaction to it is treacherous and can gradually sneak up on us or come on all of a sudden. Anger is like blowing up a balloon. The balloon is the constitution within me that holds and releases anger through how I choose to express my anger. The hot air in the balloon is the internal collection of experiences that throughout the course of my life have accumulated into a deep pool of angry emotion flooding my soul. The pin that pokes at my anger balloon are the external experiences of everyday. As the balloon becomes more and more full of hot air it will take less and less applied pressure from the pin pricks to break through the skin of this balloon and cause it to explode.

We all get angry. When we get angry our blood pressure goes up. Our heart rate increases. The rise of blood pressure and heart rate can be substantial. There is a significant surge of adrenalin. There are things happening throughout the body and chemistry of the brain that, if unresolved, can result in unhealthy consequences. Anger increases our level of stress. It is important and necessary that we do something with our anger. The question is, how do we manage our anger in a way that is good for us, as well as for those we interact with while we’re angry.

Anger and, in particular, rage tend to “require” an aggressive response in order to relieve the stress caused by anger. According to Science, there is actually a hormone called cortisol that is released when we respond to anger and rage. It seems as though the more aggressive the response, the more cortisol is released, and the more quickly and easily we seem to come down from the chemical spikes in the brain. Whenever, what scientists call, homeostasis (biochemical and overall physiological balance) is disturbed significantly by stress, we can experience substantial difficulty to our health. Coronary functions can be damaged and weakened. That is how stress and anxiety lead to heart disease. Anger and rage produce stress, and when prolonged, take us down a road of physical and emotional health problems.

Add to this the problem of our selfish sin nature that has severely infected the GO and STOP systems of our brain. Anger and rage fuel the GO system and produce an aggressive response of the STOP system when faced with a threat. This can be a lethal combination when the GO system and STOP system are producing an aggressive response to external and internal stimuli at the same time. The external stimulus can be anything from something threatening you physically to someone saying something to you verbally that affects you emotionally, causing your brain to protect you from the perceived threat. The internal stimuli can range from wanting to be loved and appreciated and everything under your control going your way, to the desire and perceived “need” to conquer, win and be right. The selfish sin nature controls that part of our brain that wants so badly to win and feel good.

So, we can conclude that it imperative that we have outlets for anger or we’ll burst. The problem is that our brain is set up to automatically react to anger and rage according to our selfish sin nature. We tend to use aggressive vocal inflections, or in other words, raise our voice and yell at someone as an expression of anger. We tend to use verbally aggressive language to express our anger. We might hit something or someone as an expression of anger. Parents may spank and hit their children, or send them to a “time out”, not because it is a reinforcing tool for discipline, but as an expression of anger. Siblings will hit each other. Athletic combatants will utilize aggressive physical contact to express anger, deemed necessary for a competitive edge to resolve adrenalin spikes. It isn’t just vocal volume and physical acts of aggression that attempt to experience relief from anger, but also the content of what is said. We’ll use just the right words to exact our revenge. Of course, there can be far severe expressions of anger and rage that result in more severe consequences. Not only consequences that can land a person in prison or result in someone beaten or killed, but result in terminated relationships—personal and professional.

Resentment—

When we get stuck in anger, unable to adequately express it or fully resolve it, we tend to develop feelings of resentment. Resentment is prolonged unresolved anger. It is the holding on to full blown balloons. It is usually directed toward other people. It can just as well be directed toward yourself, which is especially dangerous since at some point someone else is going to pay for it in some way when the balloon explodes all over him or her.

Resentment is a powerful emotion trapped in the biochemical cycles of the brain that can have a serious impact whenever and wherever it is triggered. It is not the point of this lesson to provide a blueprint laying out all of the ways resentment is pervasive in the hearts and minds of even the godliest people. The point is to take you on an exploration of discovery on how unresolved anger is affecting you and the relationships that are important to you. Resentment and build and fester in the hidden secret places of your mind and memory.

Here is the thing about the balloon analogy. When the balloon continues to expand as the anger escalates until it can hardly contain another breath of air, it will not take much for the balloon explode. When explosion occurs, everything contained in the balloon explodes all over anyone in the area of the balloon, which can lead to costly, if not tragic, terrifying outcomes… consequences that can cause long-lasting, perhaps even permanent damage. However, when air is released from the balloon through the use of recovery tools and coping skills to effectively manage anger and conflict. The balloon doesn’t have to get that full. If there isn’t so much internal pressure, it will take far greater external pressure to cause the balloon to explode. And even should the pin (external pressure) break through the skin of the balloon, when it does pop, there isn’t as much inside to evoke a whole lot of damage.

The following are a series of questions that will help you to explore those places in the mind and soul that represent the air (internal pressure) in your balloon. When answering the following questions it is  beneficial to site examples with your responses:

-How effectively would you say you manage your anger? Explain what typically happens when you become angry.

-How effectively would you say you manage disappointment? Explain how you manage disappointment.

-What are situations from the past when you felt most angry?

• Event
• People involved

-Do you find that you feel resentment toward those who hurt you in the past? Explain what you’re feeling.

-What in your current circumstances and relationships do you feel anger towards? List them.

• What?
• Who?

-How are you able to express your anger in your relationships?

-How are you not able to express your anger in your relationships?

-Are you right now feeling a bit angry? Explain.

-Are you right now wrestling with resentment? Explain.

-To whom in your present relationships do you feel resentment towards? List them.

-On a scale of 1-100, how intense is the resentment toward each person on the list?

-Do you feel resentment toward those who have caused you feelings of shame in your life? Explain.

-Do you feel resentment toward those who left you feeling wounded? Explain.

-Honestly, what would you say is your penchant for revenge?

-What would you say are your tools for vengence that you are inclined to use when the situation calls for it?

-Do you ever find yourself writing the script in your mind for how arguments, confrontations, and acts of vengeful behavior will be played out? Explain and perhaps provide an example..

-Do you imagine worst-case scenarios? Explain.

The lesson this week is a little different as you are being asked a number of questions that speak to this issue of anger and resentment. Often times we go to God in anger toward others praying from the motivation generated by anger and resentment. We will often pray the way that David the Psalmist did when he pleaded for God to vanquish his enemies. He prayed that way because guys like King Saul of the Old Testament sought to kill David and everybody knew it but did not have the authority to stop him.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:1-3 (NLT)

It behooves us as weak, vulnerable, self-protective, and able and willing to strike back people, to develop an ACTION PLAN to manage anger and resentment.

Develop an Action Plan—

1-Identify a current problem or conflict resulting in anger

• Describe a problem that is present in your life that results in your being angry
• How has the problem led to feelings of anger?
• What does the anger feel like?

2-Recall events and circumstances in play when the problem/conflict started

• When did the problem begin?
• What relationships are involved with this problem?
• What were the events and circumstances leading up to the problem?
• What are the current circumstances as the result of the problem?

3-Examine how you are affected by the problem/conflict

• How are you affected physically and psychologically by the problem?
• How are the circumstances of your life affected by the problem?

4-Examine who else is affected by the problem/conflict

• What relationships are most affected by the problem?
• How would you say those relationships are affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Be specific)
• What other relationships are affected by the problem?
• How are those relationships affected by the problem?

5-Examine the first thing you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

6-Examine other things you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What else were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What else did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

7-Look back to other times when you had a similar problem/conflict

• When in your life did you experience a similar problem?
• How was the problem similar?
• What relationships were involved while experiencing the similar problem?
• What were the events and circumstances regarding the problem at that time?

8-Examine what you recall doing to attempt to solve the problem/conflict

• What did you do to attempt to solve the similar problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem similar to what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?
• How was what you did to attempt that problem different from what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?

9-Examine how you and others were affected by that previous similar problem

• How were you affected physically and psychologically by that similar problem?
• How were you affected by what you did to attempt to solve that problem?
• How would you say those relationships were affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Again, be specific)

10-Consider how confident are you that you can solve your current problem/conflict without a working action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on your own your way without an effectively working action plan?

11-Develop an action plan with a minimum of three very specific steps

• Using as many steps as it will take, begin outlining action steps that you believe are necessary to solve your current problem resulting in you being angry. Be thinking about how you will work the Admit, Believe, Commit strategy into your action steps.
• Be specific! “I will to pray more”, or “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse”, or “I will drink less/quit drinking”, or “I will quit smoking”, or “I will show more respect to my spouse”, or “I will stop this or that” are not sufficient on their own.
• Be specific of what you will do, how you will do it, and when you will do it for each step.

12-Prognosis for resolution of the problem/conflict without your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

13-Prognosis for successful resolution of the problem/conflict with your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

14-Consider what it all looks like when your problem/conflict is solved having implemented your plan God’s way

• How will working your action steps impact your physical and psychological health?
• How will working your action steps improve your spiritual health?
• How will the affected relationships in your life be better?
• How will your circumstances be better?
• How can you apply the fundamental elements of your action plan to other problems and circumstances?
• How can you apply the ABC strategy from your action plan into an overall approach to daily recovery?
• How would you describe the opportunity for a better future living out your action plan for recovery God’s way?

15-Examine your confidence level that you will solve your problem/conflict working through your action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on God’s way through your action plan empowered by the One able, willing, and wanting to help you?
• Since fear and doubt are your human nature, take the time now to pray for an increase in faith so that you can grow in confidence.
• Regardless of your confidence level, begin to implement your action plan immediately.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NLT)

If you engage and invest with full participation in your action plan, it is entirely possible for you to manage anger and resentment effectively. Take the time right now to pray and ask God for the grace and confidence to carry out your Action Plan to fully achieve you objectives.

Resentment Recovery… Root Dug Deep That Thorny Weed

“Resentment is like swallowing poison, then waiting for the other person to die.” *

For the new year, it would be wise to start it fresh with an attitude of compassion and mercy. The 8th and 9th steps address the willingness and action of making amends to those we have harmed. Other words for ‘amends’ are compensation, restitution, reparation, and restoration, to name a few. Most of the time the focus is on apologizing. The bottom line to making amends is to make right with the one I am in conflict with. For relationships to be restored requires each party in the relationship coming together in some way, which would involve compassion and mercy. The one harmed needs to be open to amends as well. Let’s now go in depth into what is involved getting into conflict, what conflict does trending toward resentment, and how to navigate through conflict into resolution and restoration.

A back breaker for me is pulling weeds. The weeds that are most difficult are those thorny sticker weeds that, if left to grow for awhile is not only growing taller but is also digging deeper. The root of this weed is thick and strong and seems to be in cement in the ground when trying to pull it out by hand. I put my gloves on and try to secure my hands around the weed at the point where the stem meets the earth. I take hold of the stem with a tight grip; the thorns go right through my gloves and prick my hands; I yank suddenly on the weed and then… SNAP! Some of the root came out, maybe two or three inches into the soil, but the rest of the root is dug in so deep that I can’t get to it without more garden tools to dig it out. You might say that the roots of this ugly, nasty, thorny weed has taken a foothold into my garden where I am hoping to grow plants that are beautiful and admirable, and full of life and promising potential.

Resentment will do that to you and to me when we allow the roots of our anger to dig deep. When the weeds of resentment have been pulled while the roots are left alive in the depths of my mind, and perhaps even digging into my soul, I might not be aware of my resentment since the weeds are not visible and the thorns not always felt. But then something is said or done and suddenly those roots sprout into full grown nasty thorny weeds choking the life out of everything around them. Resentment is ugly and it hurts.

Keep in mind that holidays afford for families the time to redeem the time lost in the hustle and bustle (whatever ‘bustle’ is) of everyday busy-ness. It’s also opportunity for families to get caught up in the anxiety and stress brought on by resentment inside of family relationships. Those who have held on to their angry and holding grudges will bring that into family gatherings. Unforgiveness in families is a cancer. Deeply rooted resentments will spoil a good time. The tension can be so thick that even if strangers were invited to the gathering they’d suspect that something’s not right and perhaps terribly wrong here.

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT)

This is a sensitive topic for me to write about since resentment is something I struggle with mightily. As I share, please keep in mind the following passage from Scripture that seems to epitomize the nature of jealousy and resentment that destroys the quality of even the best relationships that lose focus on the higher calling of God:

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:1-3 (NLT)

I recently experienced something with someone very close to me that could have and almost killed the relationship. I was sure that I was in the right on the issues. I still feel that way. He, the person I was in conflict with, made it known to a third party—the same third party that I confide in—his feelings about me and my problem with him. Since I was venting to the same person he was, between us we stuck her in the middle. We both triangled her into the conflict to avoid the confrontation that we both believed would be futile to try to win. Now this third party loves us both very much so you can imagine the position it put her in. If am to be entirely honest with disclosure here, I must admit that I was not praying concerning this matter that went on for several weeks and had been brewing a lot longer than that. The root of anger and resentment was running so deep inside of me that it was choking out my prayer life altogether. There is no doubt that for several weeks that I was in denial about how bitter I had become even within my soul over something that was hardly life and death. Yet I allowed it to control me.

Finally, the third party came to me and brought the challenge to me about how this thing—this ugly, nasty weed—was severely wounding her relationship with me. The root of my anger and resentment that had evolved into bitterness was choking the life, not only out of one relationship, but two relationships. No matter how I might justify my position regarding the conflict, no matter how “right” I may have been on the issues, my attitude was down right evil. The spiritual adversary that all three of us share was digging in and establishing a foothold deep inside of each of these relationships involved in the conflict. Since I can only speak for me regarding this problem, I can say that this bitter resentment owned me, it was so powerful in me.

Initially, I did not admit responsibility when the third party challenged me. When she said that being trapped in the middle of this problem was my doing, I fought her on it. “HE forced you to choose between us, not me.” This was not going to end any time soon. I had been challenged to seek God on this intensely contested conflict. Then Jesus spoke to my heart. Ultimately, it came down to this. I was miserable. My “opponent” was miserable, and the person we stuck in the middle was miserable.

Speaking into my mind, the Spirit of God communicated this truth: “You have been prepared with the tools for reconciliation and restoration in these relationship.” This is not a curse being that it feels as though I am always the one apologizing. This is a blessing. To have the tools to live out ABC recovery means that A, I ADMIT that I am not in control and powerless to resolve this in my own strength and my feelings of bitter resentment are beyond my ability to experience any real relief; B, I BELIEVE that God is in authority and desiring to empowering me to experience recovery in this matter if I will give surrender to Him what I don’t have control over anyway; and C, I COMMIT to letting it go and turning over to God my will and my life to do with it as He pleases, particularly in this matter.

As I prayed this ABC prayer of recovery from a humble place, God did it. He replaced my resentment, bitter as it was, with His peace for this circumstance and these relationships. Within less than 24 hours, He opened the door to reconcile with both important relationships. There were tears and hugs. It was special. I went from seething in my resentment to experiencing the peace of God that transcends understanding. 

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:5-7 (NIV)

It required surrender from me. I said the words, “I’m sorry” yet again. I relented and conciliated. It felt good to do it. As far as the things that are a problem for me, not much has changed. I can choose to stay angry, even furious, seething with rage on the inside. But by God’s grace I am able to extend grace. It’s actually quite awesome.

You might be reading this and thinking that I am in denial because you don’t think you can do that. You might think that I will continue to be disappointed in these relationships, and that perhaps I will wind up demonstrating dysfunctional passive-aggressive behavior. You might think that I am beyond vulnerable in this position; that I am gullible to believe that I can maintain this ideal of blessing in the midst of ongoing dispute over what is right and fair. Maybe you’re right in this assertion. I just typed this paragraph feeling this doubt even now about sustaining this humble place of grace in my relationships. It is only possible in the Lord’s strength.

²¹ Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” ²² “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! 

²³ “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. ²⁴ In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. ²⁵ He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. ²⁶ “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ ²⁷ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. 

²⁸ “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. ³⁰ But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.  

 ³¹ “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. ³² Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ ³⁴ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 

 ³⁵ “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” Matthew 18:21-35 (NLT)

Uh oh, I had to go there. I don’t particularly like this passage but I appreciate, respect it, and believe in it. We reap what we sow. If I sow resentment and bitterness, I will reap resentment and bitterness; which is the same thing as unforgiveness. If I sow forgiveness, mercy, grace, and love, I will reap these qualities in my life and will experience blessing from the generosity of my Lord and Savior. What He did at the cross for me I can never repay. What I can offer Him is to love my adversary, even when he or she is someone close to me who I care deeply about. As God offered His Son for me; as Jesus laid down everything He was as God to extend grace to me through His human sacrifice, I then must extend mercy and grace in surrender to Him as a matter of obedience in my recovery. This is worship—period.

“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly.” Matthew 5:23-25 (NLT) 

Scripture instructs me not even to approach the altar of God as long as I am holding onto resentment, unwilling to forgive as He forgave. Scripture instructs me to leave my offering behind until I reconcile. Jesus offered the same instruction as Paul did to settle differences quickly. Why? Because it is my selfish sin nature to hold onto my anger and repress it until the root of my anger grows deep into resentment and bitterness. Another means to getting to this dark place is through jealousy and selfish ambition.

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. James 3:16 (NLT)

Out of a heart of jealousy, the brother of the forgiven prodigal son refused to forgive. He no longer even held his brother responsible for his negative behavior, he held his gracious father responsible for being generous to the other son that he loved, who was lost and dead, and now was found. This jealous brother would not attend the celebration for his brother having returned home. Jesus concluded the story talking about the older son.

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house, and he asked one of the servants what was going on. ‘Your brother is back,’ he was told, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf. We are celebrating because of his safe return.’ The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, but he replied, ‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’ His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’” Luke 15:25-32 (NLT)

You would think that the older brother would be touched and perhaps overcome by the loving generosity of his father. Instead his focus was on his brother; the brother he had grown to despise. The older brother’s jealousy and resentment was off the charts. He wanted his brother to pay back to his father everything he had squandered on women and parties. Little brother needed to pay. Big brother would have nothing to do with his brother or father and would not join in the celebration. Instead he seethed with resentment toward both his younger brother and his father at the expense of the quality of those beloved relationships. There are more stories about resentment and revenge if you care to look them up (Cane and Abel, Amnon and Absolem—brothers killing brothers).   

Paul wrote that when anger becomes resentment it invites into the mess the presence of an oppressive evil spirit. James wrote about jealousy and selfish ambition resulting in disorder (chaos) and evil of every kind. And Jesus told the story of one brother hating another brother because of jealousy and resentment. Men and women that love God will be wrecked by selfish jealousy and resentment; a condition that is inherently evil. Like Paul, I will admit that the merciless resentment in my heart was painful to me like a thorn in my flesh. After I pull those thorny weeds, I will often feel prickly darts of pain in the areas where I was poked by thorns. I might be removing a thorn or two days after pulling those weeds. The pain from the thorn in my flesh seems to get under my skin and can be sharp and profound and quite distracting to anything else I am hoping to accomplish.

“I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (NLT)

The empowering work of God in me is the difference between staying miserable in an uncompromising stalemate between me and people I love, and experiencing freedom by the grace of God to extend mercy regardless of fault or responsibility in the midst of the argument. To the world and in the flesh, this is unreasonable and not altogether sensible. But in relationship with Jesus Christ, my Authority as Savior, King, and Lord, in comparison to His sacrifice for me from a heart of love and generosity, not only is this reasonable and sensible, it is cathartic and liberating. I am compelled to extend mercy and blessing as I surrender my rebellious thoughts captive under the standard of God’s grace and love.

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NLT)

In the story above from Matthew 18 about the king and his servants, we find that the king forgave the debt of the servant who owed him millions of dollars. What is odd about that story is that the king would allow a servant to go that deep into debt. Servants would never get their hands on that kind of money. What that story is telling us is the premium price of the sacrifice of God’s only Son as He died blameless for you and for me. What would millions of dollars more than two thousand years ago be worth today? Billions, maybe trillions of dollars? For me to not in turn forgive as an extension of the mercy He has shown me would appear unforgivable. As the story was told by Jesus, the servant who was owed a pittance compared to his own debt to the king, would not forgive the man his debt. The king then ordered for the unforgiving servant to repay the entire debt.

The lesson is obvious, isn’t it? To hold onto jealousy and resentment—to stay angry at the expense of quality of relationship comes at a severe cost. If forgiving me cost Christ everything, what does it cost me to not forgive again and again and again and again and again and again and again and… at least seventy more times that. 

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2 (NIV)

It is all for my benefit. What I choose to do does not change who God is. He does not become more or less as God because of what I do or don’t do. It changes who I am. As I am obedient to forgive indefinitely, I am blessed indefinitely by the boundless grace of the One who radically changed my heart by the renewing of my mind. After what Jesus sacrificed for me through His death, and as He was resurrected and is alive to extend grace to me daily, it is my responsibility and privilege to respond by living sacrificially in honor of this amazing gift. It is in this obedient sacrifice that the weeds of resentment are dug up from under the root and purged from my being. This is the miracle of mercy. This is love shining in its radiance. 

For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 (NIV) 

*Variations of the quote, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” have been attributed to Buddha, Nelson Mandela, Debbie Ford, and Malachy McCourt; Nelson Mandela did say in the early 1990s, “Resentment is like swallowing poison and and hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Listen with LUV (A Healthy Communication Strategy)

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)

Before beginning this discussion on healthy communication, it might be good to acknowledge that we all do not think alike. there are differences from one person to the next. In particular, there are differences between how men think and how women think. There are often times stark differences between the way in which men and women view their lives and the world. Mark Gungor has attempted with obvious humor to suggest this contrast from what he calls the Tale of Two Brains. Check this out:

Critical to our applied recovery is the skill of effective communication. One person communicating in a two-person conversation can do a lot to see to it that something is being communicated effectively by actually listening. What does that mean? Often times, particularly in the midst of confrontation, intended messages are not effectively communicated, resulting in misunderstood messages leading to hurt and angry feelings. Through aeons of time misunderstood communication has evolved from hurt and resentment into broken relationships – from broken hearts to broken nations and split societies. It is essential that we learn how to listen to one another with what Carl Rogers referred to as unconditional positive regard, or better yet, what the Bible refers to as an attitude of grace from a heart sincere love for our brother and sister, and even to our enemy.

What we tend not to do when communicating is listen well. We hear what we want to hear or what we don’t want to hear but expect to hear. We allow preconceived notions and scenarios to cloud and distort our reception of what is being communicated. To communicate with others more effectively we would benefit by learning something about expressing empathy through more effective listening skills through something called active listening, and better yet, something referred to as reflective listening. Active reflective listening sets the stage for reflective responses geared to better understanding of what is being communicated. Better understanding of communication allows for, and encourages opportunity to validate the speaker. The alternative to healthy functional communication is unhealthy dysfunctional communication. Interaction that is argumentative, judgmental, critical, and ultimately offensive is typically a lose-lose for the combatants… uh, uh… I mean people engaging in conversation.

The video below is a humorous look at active listening being taught in a classroom to parents.

Become an Active Listener

There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they say.

Pay attention.
Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also “speaks” loudly.

• Look at the speaker directly.
• Put aside distracting thoughts (preconceived notions). Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal!
• Avoid being distracted by environmental factors (turn the TV off, close the book).
• “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.
• Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting (referred to as subgrouping at the prison I work at).

Show that you are listening.
Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.

• Nod occasionally.
• Smile and use other facial expressions.
• Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting.
• Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.

Provide feedback.
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.

• Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
• Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you meant when you said…?”
• Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.

Defer judgment.
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.

• Allow the speaker to finish.
• Don’t interrupt with counter arguments.

Respond Appropriately.
Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.

• Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
• Assert your opinions respectfully.
• Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

Expressing Empathy through Reflective Listening

Let’s now define the word empathy and go from there:

The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Empathy is such a popular term these days, but what exactly does it mean? What are you listening for in the effort to understand and validate the speaker? The truth is that we will not always understand what we are listening to while communicating, making it especially challenging to express empathy. Empathy has more to do with the intent to understand than it does the actual understanding. Counselors and doctors show empathy to their patients by way of statements and questions that reflect understanding. For example, it might go something like, “I understand that you’re concerned about what be going on with you, so it’s important to me that you tell me your symptoms.” All the doctor essentially said is, “You are concerned about your condition and you are important to me.” That is empathy for the patient, having validated the patient no matter how genuine.

As counselors, we often use an approach to empathy referred to as reflective listening. Through reflective listening is the opportunity to listen to, understand, and validate the other person and what they are saying and feeling. Dr. Gary Smalley referred to this effective communication strategy as “LUV talk”. Dr. Smalley spoke of comparing LUV talk to placing an order in a fast-food drive-through lane, that when faced with conflict you should listen carefully to what your mate says about his or her feelings and needs. Then, just like a fast-food worker, repeat back what you hear. This not only helps clarify that you understand, but it also validates and values your mate. Smalley says you don’t necessarily need to agree with your mate’s conclusions in order to understand his or her feelings and needs.

Reflective listening involves repeating back through reflective responses what the person has said in a way that communicates understanding of what is important to the person transmitting the message. Reflective listening involves really hearing and understanding what the speaker is saying through words and body language, and reflecting back feelings and thoughts you heard through your own words, tone-of-voice, body posture and gesture so that the other person knows he or she is understood. Reflective listening and responding requires physically and psychologically attending to the person you are listening to. Whether it is through physical touch, body posture and gestures, or intentionally attending to an active listening environment (i.e., turning the television off or setting the book down).

Other things to pay attention to has to do with following the listening with statements of permission such as:

• Would you like to talk about it?
• Can I help you with your concern (or problem)?
• Would it help to talk about it?
• Is something bothering you?
• You seem upset. Care to talk about it?
• Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest.
• Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

Suggestions for reflective statements in response to the person communicating with you might be:

• What I hear you saying is…
• The impression I get from what you said is…
• What I am hearing is that you appear to be… (i.e., concerned, angry, sad, unhappy, upset, content, satisfied, dissatisfied, confused, wondering, in agreement, misunderstood, etc. – must be accurate or you risk offending the other person)
• It sounds to me like…
• It’s possible that…
• I wonder if…
• I get the impression that…

Generally speaking, reflective responses and statements continue the give and take of effective purposeful conversation. Reflective questions can stimulate further conversation or they can stifle conversation if they appear to the other person to be judgmental and/or offensive, or mistakenly or clumsily become one-sided should one feel the need to inject misguided or misunderstood opinion. That would depend on one’s motivation for the discussion. There can be a tendency to “need” to be understood or validated to the point that even when the speaker is upset or hurting in some way that I respond to the hurting person in a way that suggests I have to be right because, of course, I am right. (That’s what I think.)

Transference and Countertransference

Transference: the phenomenon whereby we unconsciously transfer feelings and attitudes from a person or situation in the past on to a person or situation in the present. The process is at least partly inappropriate to the present.

Countertransference: the response that is elicited in the recipient (therapist) by the other’s (patient’s) unconscious transference communications; responses include both feelings and associated thoughts. When transference feelings are not an important part of the therapeutic relationship, there can obviously be no countertransference.

Typically, the only time transference and countertransference are discussed is in the context of therapeutic relationship between doctor or therapist and patient. I think you will find it interesting how these dynamics are made manifest in our communication with each other in all sorts of relationship; whether between spouses and mates, siblings, friends, professional relationships, and so on. I will not elaborate much on this. I will provide examples of how transference and countertransference might play out between my wife and I, and then how transference and countertransference are brought to life in what Eric Berne diagrammed concerning communication dysfunction.

It would be transference if I unconsciously project some psychological issue I have (i.e., I am experiencing anxiety and stress because of a difficult day at work) that affects and influences my responses to the person who is discussing with me their day, or perhaps an important concern of theirs. Transference directed by the speaker to the listener can provoke countertransference from the listener.

Example A
Let’s say I am talking with my wife, a registered nurse. She says, “It was hard for me to respond to a patient who received some bad news from the doctor about his condition.” I could respond by saying, “I am always impressed that you care deeply for the well-being of your patients.” She says, “My supervisor told me I care too much sometimes.” Then I say, “I understand that you are passionate about your job helping people to help themselves.” Then she replies, “I suppose I could pay closer attention to how I am perceived by those I work with.” I respond, “It is important that you are understood as a caring patient that recognizes her boundaries.” She replies, “That’s my intention… I feel better about it. Thanks.”

From that form of reflective listening and responses my wife arrived at her own solution to a dilemma she may have been wresting with outside of my knowing that she even had a dilemma. Even though the above was a fictitious example, I like the way I handled the situation. It’s too bad it was a script. Maybe one day my talks with my wife will actually work out like that one did.

Example B
But what if my listening is clouded because of my experience today? Let’s say that my day began with the news that a client I counsel who is locked up in prison was informed that his young son was killed in a car accident last night and I struggled to find the right words to say to him. I am still wrestling with feelings of inadequacy myself as my wife tells me about her day: “It was hard for me to respond to a patient who received some bad news from the doctor about his condition.” So in my feelings of inadequacy (my transference) I respond by saying this to my wife, “I know how important it is for your patients to see that you care, which might be difficult to show when you’re not sure what to say.” I might be right on the money with how I responded. It doesn’t matter! My statement to her was more a reflection of what I was feeling than what she was feeling.

Had I said, “I am touched that you care deeply for the well-being of your patients” she might have said, “Sometimes maybe I care too much, you know what I mean? How do you deal with that working at the prison when one of your guys gets bad news?” This isn’t a counseling session, it’s a discussion between a husband and his wife. So I say… and then I share my experience today.

Had I said, “I know how important it is for your patients to see that you care, which might be difficult to show your patients when you’re not sure what to say” she might have answered, “No, that’s not it… your psychobabble sounded good, though” and she picks up her book to read… end of discussion.

In the first scenario, even though I may have still had my day’s struggle on my mind, I kept my focus on listen, understanding and validating my wife’s message with my response. In the second scenario, it’s pretty clear that my attention was distracted and my response had a lot more to do with getting what I needed; validating me. It may have started out alright, but even the beginning of it was really me saying, “It is so important to me that my client believes I care, but I had nothing for him when he needed me to something to say that would somehow ease his pain.” That was my transference, redirecting my attention from my wife back on to me. In the first scenario is the beginning of quality interactive dialogue between us. In the second scenario, my “counselor-speak” could have offended her, sounding as though I judged her as not being able to communicate concern for her patients and freezing under the pressure to say something supportive. Really, all of that was my issue which I transferred onto her.

Example C
So how might countertransference play out in this example? My wife might say to me, “What a day… I’d tell you about it but I really don’t need to hear how I care too much about my patients.” The transference is that my wife has unconsciously transferred the feelings she had with her supervisor onto me. Then I reply to her, “Maybe you could benefit from praying that you will be better prepared to be effective helping your patients deal with the crisis of bad news.” The countertransference is my unconscious feelings of inadequacy helping my client in his crisis. Perhaps had I had quality prayer time in the morning instead of the quicky drive by prayer on my way into work, I would have been ready to better help my client. I projected my feelings into my response to my wife’s communication to me. I did listen to her but through the lens of my concerns and feelings of inadequacy today.

Parent, Adult, Child Communication

In the 1950s, Dr. Eric Berne began developing a theory concerning communication that he referred to as Transactional Analysis. By the early 1960s, Dr. Berne published a couple of books regarding his theory, including the rather famous “Games People Play” in 1964 that serves as the handbook for Transactional Analysis. Dr. Berne suggests that adults communicate from alter ego states, or personas, he called Parent, Adult, and Child.

PARENT:

The Parent persona is the underlying voice of authority conditioned by what we have been taught. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, clergy, Sunday School teachers, our friends’ parents, neighbors, television and radio personalities, government authority and law enforcement, doctors and nurses, social norms, etc., have instructed, shaped, and conditioned the values of the Parent persona all of our life. External events, said and done, have been ingrained into our psyche, having influenced how we think and feel, and now, as then, drive our attitudes and behavior.

The Parent persona tends to be critical and judgmental, and can be sarcastic, patronizing and condescending. The Parent persona is angry and resentful and can be spiteful and vengeful. The Parent persona wants its own way and is persistent in getting it.

When the Parent persona communicates, it is addressing the Child persona within the adult person the Parent is interacting with.

CHILD:

The Child persona is the underlying voice of experiences felt growing up from early childhood to adulthood. The experiences of external events that have shaped and conditioned the Child persona within each of us evoke feelings of anger, shame, failure, disappointment, rejection, helplessness, resentment, bitterness, isolation, alienation, etc. The Child persona is also influenced by experiences of entitlement, privilege, covetousness, envy and jealousy, selfish greed, etc. As the Child persona is affected by present circumstances and stimuli, the Child reaction is the expression of a lifetime’s evolution of feelings and learned responses that come back into play in adulthood.

The Child persona will react automatically when its senses are cued by the Parent persona that it is communicating with. The manifestation of the Child persona can be an attitude of rebellion and defiance, but can also come from the place of a victim. The Child persona is subject to psychological abuse.

The Child persona reacts to the communication of the Parent persona, but can also react to another person communicating from a Child persona. Spouses fighting can transition from Parent talking to Child, and Child reacting/responding to Parent, to Child exchanging fiery dialog with Child. As the verbal conflict heats up, escalating into something nasty and ugly, the health of communication, and ultimately relationship, deescalates, descending into something bitter and isolating.

ADULT:

The Adult persona in this process of interactive communication relies on reasonable thought. The Adult persona tends to remain rational and sensible while the Parent and Child personas trend toward irrationality, and their interaction is ineffectual and dysfunctional. Since the Adult is relatively healthy and functional, its interactive efforts to communicate are directed to the Adult persona internal to the other person, for the purpose of effective and productive interaction.

Transactional Analysis:

There are four transaction types in Dr. Berne’s Transactional Analysis model. There is Parent to Child transactions, Child to Parent transactions, Child to Child transactions, and finally, Adult to Adult transactions. Parent-Child, Child-Parent, and Child-Child transactions between adults can quite clearly be said to carry there share of transference and countertransference. Sadly, in the analysis of communication patterns, relationships tend to adopt these Parent and Child personas. One of my clients at the prison coined this idea of “psychological domination”. To dominate a person psychologically means that someone is being dominated. The person communicating from the parent persona has assumed the role of dominator, as harsh as that sounds. The person assuming the Child persona responding to the “Parent” is attempting to defend being dominated, trending toward a combative confrontational posture.

Here is an example of Parent-to-Child communication that breaks down even more into Child-to-Child interaction:

• Husband/Initiator: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
• Wife/Receiver: “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t paying attention.”
• Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
• Wife: “I’ve got the kids laundry… your laundry… it’s too much!”
• Husband: “You’re so careless… I can’t believe you sometimes.”
• Wife: “If you weren’t so self-absorbed…”
• Husband: “You’re the one always complaining.”
• Wife: “Could you be more selfish? You’re impossible!”
• Husband: “You’re an idiot!”
• Wife: “You’re a fool!”

The transference of the speaker initiating communication will contribute to whether the speaker comes from the Parent or Child persona. Perhaps the initiating speaker felt bullied by parents, siblings, classmates, and so on. This person might assume the child persona as a kind of victim in meaningful relationships. Or, this person might seek to “dominate” in the Parent persona compensating for past victimizations, refusing to be dominated, taking the offensive from a self-perceived position of strength. The same can be said for the responder’s countertransference from either position. Initiators of interactive communication who may have been allowed to “dominate” growing up for whatever reason might be insistent in how they communicate from the Parent persona.

There are Child-Child interactions as well that are the result of transference issues that provoke dysfunctional communication patterns. Anything but healthy Adult-to-Adult interactions is ineffective and proves to be dysfunctional.

Here is an example of what began as Parent-to-Child interaction but when the respondent, in this case the wife, refuses to respond in the Child persona, the interaction converts into much healthier Adult-to-Adult communication:

• Husband: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
• Wife: “I hear that you’re angry. I’m sorry, I suppose I could have paid better attention.”
• Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
• Wife: “I understand that you’re frustrated. I assure you that it was an accident; I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
• Husband: “I understand, too, that you have an awful lot of responsibility around here. I guess it isn’t so important that I tear you apart over it. You didn’t deserve that.”
• Wife: “Thanks for understanding. Do you think you could help me out with a few things I need so I can be more attentive to what you need?”
• Husband: “I know of a few of the things that are important that you need help with. Would you jot a few of the other things down for me?”
• Wife: “Sure, I appreciate your willingness to help.”
• Husband: “Thank you for being so patient with me.”
• Wife: “Because I love you… that’s marriage.”

Notice that the wife does not respond Child-to-Parent, but rather she responds Adult-to-Adult. The husband proceeded to address her Parent-to-Child, but she continued to use empathy in her Adult-to-Adult responses. Her use of empathy changed the tenor of the interaction as her husband’s anxiety was disarmed and his “better side” followed up with Adult-to-Adult responses. It is in the heat of the moment that Adult-Adult interaction is most challenging and difficult, but not at all impossible.

The Parent persona always directs communication to the Child persona. The Child persona always directs communication to the Parent persona, and the Adult persona always directs communication to the Adult persona, even if it is received by the Parent or Child persona within the other person. The critical element of Adult communication is for at least one person to be committed to Adult communication even when the other person is communicating from their parent or child persona. That is what the wife committed to doing in the above example to the point that the interaction was empowered to grow into Adult communication.

LUV Language—Listen, Understand, Validate

This LUV strategy has been taught by Dr. Gary Smalley.

Listen

The Three Basic Listening Modes (Dr. Larry Nadig)

1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. Attentive Listening happens when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We assume that we heard and understand correctly, but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

It has been said that listening is a skill. Effective listening requires intent on the part of the listener to be engaged in the conversation. Someone intent on really listening is most likely to remove and/or minimize distractions. It may not be enough to flip the book over, or turn the volume down on the television. Instead, mark your spot and close the book, and perhaps set it aside. Turn the television off and commit your attention to the person speaking to you. Effective listening allows the speaker to complete sentences and thoughts. The temptation can be intense to complete the speakers sentences, or briefly summarize what is being said to move the conversation along. The other temptation is to interject unwarranted opinions, advice, and humor as distraction or deflection from active listening. Avoid such interjections until it is asked for or until it is clear that the speaker has completed the expression of their thought. Avoid being preoccupied with what you are going to say, looking for the right spot to jump in, and not really listening to what is being said.

Listening Strategy

• Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:

1. Account of the facts
2. Thoughts and beliefs
3. Feelings and emotions
4. Wants, needs or motivation
5. Hopes and expectations

• Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
• Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
• If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
• Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
• Be empathetic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.

Understand

To better understand what is being communicated requires attentive listening, meaning that you are paying direct attention to the one speaking to you; not only paying attention to the words spoken, but also being attentive to nonverbal communication expressed through body language and facial expression.

When you are listening, the intention to understand what the communicator is meaning to convey, then, is focused on the nonverbal conversation at least as much as the spoken word. Seek to understand by listening for the emotion driving the communication. While you may not always be able to detect emotions when their delivered in subtlety, you can usually perceive that something is at least important to the communicator.

Validate

Validation is next in the progression of this LUV language of communication. It is the critical piece to reflective listening. Each time your response includes a paraphrase of what has been spoken to you, and identify verbally the emotion of the communicator, the result is validation that he or she is worth your attention, that you are engaged in the interactive communication process, and that you really do care and understand. We all have a built in need to be validated as being worthwhile and important. So when we validate and are validated as a form of interactive exchange, it feels better.

So how do you validate as a way to express empathy through reflective responses?

While you are listening, and you perceive the emotion of anger, you might respond by repeating back in your own words what was said but preface your response by saying, “I sense you’re angry about… ” or conclude your response with, ” … you seem to be pretty upset about it.” The same can be said to identify positive emotions (“you sound really happy about that” or “it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself”)

How do you respond if you sense concern but are unable to identify deeper emotion than that?

Reply with a simple response that does not assume the risk of misidentifying emotion or triggering non-intended emotion: “I can tell you are concerned about that”, or “That is obviously important to you.” Words like ‘concerned’ and ‘important’ usually apply even when you are not sure how or why it is important or of concern. Other validation words that do not necessarily carry as much intensity that are safe include: ‘upset’, ‘disappointed’, ‘feel good’ (“sounds like you feel pretty good about that”), and tend to carry less risk when you are not as certain how to identify deeper, more intense emotions such as: angry, resentful, bitter, shameful, failure, happy, joyful, festive, foolish, and so on.

LUV—listen, understand, validate—when applied in interactive communication can, and should, have the effect of disarming unhealthy defenses while empowering healthy conversation. Disarming because (and this especially true if the raw emotion is directed at you in confrontation) it suggests that you are, at least in part, agreeable, even when you do not necessarily agree; and empowering because of the apparent vulnerability it takes to understand what someone is feeling, communicating access to the part of you that is engaged emotionally in the discussion.

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters. 1 John 4:16-21 (NLT)

LUV, when applied in the method of reflective listening and responses, is the open door to Adult-to-Adult interactive communication. Playing on the word ‘love’ with the acronym ‘LUV’ is, of course, no coincidence. It is deliberate and intentional. Even when Carl Rogers coined the phrase “unconditional positive regard”, it was intended as an umbrella of loving grace when applied to and in relationships.

David G. Myers says the following in his Psychology: Eighth Edition in Modules:

“People also nurture our growth by being accepting; by offering us what Rogers called unconditional positive regard. This is an attitude of grace, an attitude that values us even knowing our failings. It is a profound relief to drop our pretenses, confess our worst feelings, and discover that we are still accepted. In a good marriage, a close family, or an intimate friendship, we are free to be spontaneous without fearing the loss of others’ esteem.”

Perfect love is found in relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who demonstrated perfect love through His sacrifice so that we can live according to His example. As you conclude the reading of this article, imagine communicating in your relationships, from those most important to those more casual, freely interacting with people in conversation while applying this LUV strategy of reflective listening and responses.

You can be subtle in your approach to using reflective listening and response as you make it a point to listen with the purpose of understanding so that you can more easily validate the feelings and concerns of those you interact with. You don’t have to be clever about its application, parsing your words as if you’re going to be evaluated or something. No one has to know you’re trying something that could revolutionize how you communicate with people. Try it with someone you don’t know so well; someone who wouldn’t necessarily become curious as to why you don’t seem altogether yourself while you attempt to reflect back what they are saying. See if you can provoke and prompt the person you’re talking with to move a little deeper into a concern or problem. See if by reflecting back what he or she is saying through your responses, the person can sensibly navigate his or her way into a solution or the next step in managing the difficulty.

The tools learned in this article are a vital piece to sustained authentic recovery. I can be active in recovery on so many levels, however, relationship recovery is vital to my recovery from being selfish, particularly as I interact with people through graceful communication. The Apostle John wrote that they will know we are Christians by our love. Is my love for my loved ones and my friends, my neighbors and co-workers, and even acquaintances reflected in how I communicate with them? Can I take my eyes off me long enough to listen to, to understand, and then to validate what is important to them?

We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. 2 Corinthians 6:3-4, 6 (NLT)

Problem Solving & Conflict Resolution

When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. The Apostle Paul, James 2:1

Please respond to the following questions:

• How do you manage anxiety and stress? What do you do, specifically?
• How do you manage disappointment and pain? Again, what do you do, specifically?
• What have you done to confront problems in your life? What do you tend to do?
• Provide an example of how you have given into negativity while ignoring positives in circumstances and relationships and how that affected you.
• Provide an example of how you have predicted scenarios—imagined the worst—about how something will turn out prior to addressing the situation and how that affected you.
• Provide an example of how you have drawn wrong conclusions about a particular situation and how that affected you.

The truth is that so much of what you imagine to be true, from wounded memories of past experiences, isn’t necessarily realized in your present circumstance, yet you can experience tumultuous stress worrying about it. Also true, is that you have confronted problems ill equipped to solve them, and the worst that you imagined concluded to be spot on or even worse than what you had imagined. As it happens that you fail miserably in your attempts to solve problems, the likelihood increases that the fear of failure and rejection results in shying away from problem-solving and the problem gets worse while you stew over it and resist trying to solve it. Problem solving can be extremely daunting and difficult so you need a plan of action to attempt to solve problems.

Prayer is the first step in effective conflict resolution and productive problem solving. Having discovered and learned tools for empowered recovery, it is time to develop an applicable recovery action plan to arrive at real solutions to real-life problems.

Develop an Action Plan

1-Identify a current problem or conflict

• Describe a problem that is present in your life that results in your unhappiness
• How has the problem led to feelings of unhappiness?
• What does the unhappiness feel like?

2-Recall events and circumstances in play when the problem/conflict started

• When did the problem begin?
• What relationships are involved with this problem?
• What were the events and circumstances leading up to the problem?
• What are the current circumstances as the result of the problem?

3-Examine how you are affected by the problem/conflict

• How are you affected physically and psychologically by the problem?
• How are the circumstances of your life affected by the problem?

4-Examine who else is affected by the problem/conflict

• What relationships are most affected by the problem?
• How would you say those relationships are affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Be specific)
• What other relationships are affected by the problem?
• How are those relationships affected by the problem?

5-Examine the first thing you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

6-Examine other things you did to try and solve the problem/conflict

• What else were you thinking you needed to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you think you needed to do to feel better while in the problem?
• What else did you attempt to do to solve the problem?
• What else did you do to feel better while in the problem?
• Did you solve the problem?
• Did the circumstances around and because of the problem get better, become worse, or stay the same? Explain.

7-Look back to other times when you had a similar problem/conflict

• When in your life did you experience a similar problem?
• How was the problem similar?
• What relationships were involved while experiencing the similar problem?
• What were the events and circumstances regarding the problem at that time?

8-Examine what you recall doing to attempt to solve the problem/conflict

• What did you do to attempt to solve the similar problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem similar to what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?
• How was what you did to attempt to solve that problem different from what you have done so far to attempt to solve this current problem?

9-Examine how you and others were affected by that previous similar problem

• How were you affected physically and psychologically by that similar problem?
• How were you affected by what you did to attempt to solve that problem?
• How would you say those relationships were affected physically and psychologically by the problem as far as you can tell? (Again, be specific)

10-Confidence that you can solve your current problem without a working plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on your own your way without an effectively working action plan?

11-Develop an action plan with a minimum of three very specific steps

• Using as many steps as it will take, begin outlining action steps that you believe are necessary to solve your current problem. Be thinking about how you will work the Admit, Believe, Commit strategy into your action steps.
• Be specific! “I will to pray more”, or “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse”, or “I will drink less/quit drinking”, or “I will quit smoking”, or “I will show more respect to my spouse”, or “I will stop this or that” are not sufficient on their own.
• Be specific of what you will do, how you will do it, and when you will do it for each step: Instead of “I will pray everyday”, the action step might be: “I will spend at least 10 minutes each morning praying while I am driving to work and be sure to pray for help with my problem.” Instead of “I will quit using (fill in the blank)”, the action step should include daily prayer and attendance at some kind of an accountability support group. Instead of “I will communicate more effectively with my spouse” the action step should involve scheduling times to talk, putting the book or magazine down and turning off the television, along with the implementation of LUV techniques.

12-Prognosis for resolution of the problem/conflict without your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

13-Prognosis for successful resolution of the problem/conflict with your action plan

• What is the best case scenario for continuing the course you were on solving your problem in your way without the steps in your action plan?
• What is the worst case scenario?
• Of the two potential outcomes, which is the most likely scenario?

14-Consider the outcome when your problem having implemented your new plan 

• How will working your action steps impact your physical and psychological health?
• How will working your action steps improve your spiritual health?
• How will the affected relationships in your life be better?
• How will your circumstances be better?
• How can you apply the fundamental elements of your action plan to other problems and circumstances?
• How can you apply the ABC strategy from your action plan into an overall approach to daily recovery?
• How would you describe the opportunity for a better future living out your action plan for recovery God’s way?

15-Confidence level that you will solve your problem working your action plan

• On a scale of 0-100 (100 being most), what is your confidence level that you can solve your current problem on God’s way through your action plan empowered by the One able, willing, and wanting to help you?
• Since fear and doubt are your human nature, take the time now to pray for an increase in faith so that you can grow in confidence.
• Regardless of your confidence level, begin to implement your action plan immediately.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NLT)

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. James 1:2-5a (NLT)

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

You have worked hard developing your action plan to solve your problem. Now be encouraged to address another problem, following each of the 15 steps to develop an action plan for solving it. Each time you find yourself stuck in a problem in the future, develop an action plan to solve it utilizing the ABC strategy for your recovery in every area of your life and see what God will do.