{"id":1749,"date":"2011-06-12T18:29:43","date_gmt":"2011-06-12T23:29:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.freedomfrommedom.com\/member\/?p=1749"},"modified":"2011-10-31T18:39:20","modified_gmt":"2011-10-31T23:39:20","slug":"twrac-036-61211-strangulation-by-triangulation-vs-healthy-confrontation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.freedomfrommedom.com\/member\/applications\/twrac-036-61211-strangulation-by-triangulation-vs-healthy-confrontation","title":{"rendered":"TWRAC 036 (6\/12\/11): Strangulation by Triangulation vs. Healthy Confrontation"},"content":{"rendered":"

This Week’s Recovery Application Challenge<\/h2>\n

Please refer to TWIRL 036 prior to proceeding with TWRAC 036<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/h5>\n

Strangulation by Triangulation vs. Healthy Confrontation<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Empathy is Communicating Understanding<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

The action of\u00a0understanding<\/em>, being aware of, being sensitive to, and\u00a0vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively\u00a0explicit\u00a0manner. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)<\/span><\/p>\n

Empathy is such a popular term these days, but what exactly does it mean? What are you listening for in the effort to understand and validate? The truth is that we will not always understand what we are listening to while communicating making it especially challenging to show empathy. Empathy has more to do with the intent to understand than it does the actual understanding. Counselors and doctors show empathy to their patients, not necessarily by way of statements that reflect understanding, but rather by asking a series of questions. As counselors, we often use an approach to empathy referred to as reflective listening. Reflective listening involves repeating back what the person just said but in way that leads to a question.<\/span><\/p>\n

The husband in therapy says to the counselor: “How many times do I have to remind my wife not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”<\/span><\/p>\n

The counselor might respond: “You sound really upset and frustrated that your jersey ended up in the dryer. What challenges does that present for you?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “My jersey shrinks; the numbers and lettering come off, and I have to replace it.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “That would be frustrating. What could you do differently so that your softball gear doesn’t end up in the dryer?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “My wife could pay closer attention to what goes in the dryer and ask me before she loads the dryer.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “I asked, ‘What could\u00a0you\u00a0differently so that\u00a0your\u00a0softball gear doesn’t end up in the dryer?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “I suppose I could take responsibility for laundering my softball gear.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “That sounds like a good plan. It is responsible, it’s practical, and sounds like it’s doable. How would you feel knowing that your softball gear is cleaned how you want when you take responsibility for it?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “It would make things easier in the long run.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “With all of the laundry your wife is responsible for, how do you think she will react to you taking responsibility for washing your athletic gear?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “It’s one less thing she has to deal with on laundry day.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “How would you say that feels for your wife on laundry day?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “Besides a little less stress about this or that when it comes to the laundry, she’ll probably feel good that her husband is helping out with a chore, even if it is my stuff that I am helping out with.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “What might that do for how well the two of you get along?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Husband: “Well there is a lot more that I’m sure she’d say I need to be doing, but it could be huge for us.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Counselor: “What else might she say you need to be doing?”<\/span><\/p>\n

And then the counselor would work with the husband and wife to strategize ways to function and communicate that are effective and productive. What is interesting is that the counselor mostly asked questions without blaming anybody or making any to-do statements that could prove threatening and break down communication. The counselor may not have ever had the issue in his life concerning the damaging of athletic gear in the laundry. What the counselor did was reflectively ask questions and on occasion highlight a feeling that he as the counselor could identify with. The counselor could imagine what something might feel like, or what he might feel in a similar situation, and communicate understanding. Then, in expressing the practicality of the plan—saying that it’s a good plan—the counselor validated his patient in a way that disarmed his feelings of helplessness, while empowering him to take ownership for laundering his gear. That is empathy.<\/span><\/p>\n

How do “common” everyday people share empathy in each interactive relationship? First of all, take notice that this example of a counseling session did not contain all kinds of blathering psychobabble. It was a conversation. The counselor used something referred to as reflective listening<\/em><\/strong>—each response reflecting understanding of what the husband was communicating. It sounds like a conversation a parent might have with a teenager trying to work through something. Except in this case, the interplay in the dialog was Adult-to-Adult throughout.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here is what is most difficult when the objective is Adult-to-Adult interactive communication. In PAC Model B the husband initiates with Parent-to-Child communication.\u00a0Notice that the wife does not respond Child-to-Parent, but rather she responds Adult-to-Adult. The husband proceeded address her Parent-to-Child, but she continued to use empathy in her Adult-to-Adult responses. Her use of empathy changed the tenor of the interaction as her husband’s anxiety was disarmed and his “better side” followed up with Adult-to-Adult responses. It is in the heat of the moment that Adult-Adult interaction is most challenging and difficult, but not at all impossible.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Parent persona always directs communication to the Child persona. The Child persona always directs communication to the Parent persona, and the Adult persona always directs communication to the Adult persona. The critical element of Adult communication is for at least one person to be committed to Adult communication even when the other person is communicating from their parent or child persona. That is what the wife committed to doing in PAC Model B to the point that the interaction was empowered to grow into Adult communication.<\/span><\/p>\n

LUV Language—Listen, Understand, Validate<\/span><\/h3>\n

This LUV language of communication has been taught by Dr. Gary Smalley and many others.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Listen—<\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n

The Three Basic Listening Modes\u00a0(Dr. Larry Nadig)<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Competitive<\/strong> or\u00a0Combative Listening<\/strong> happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else\u2019s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Attentive Listening<\/strong> happens when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person\u2019s point of view. We assume that we heard and understand correctly, but stay passive and do not verify it.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Active <\/strong>or Reflective Listening <\/strong>is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    It has been said that listening is a skill. Effective listening requires intent on the part of the listener to be engaged in the conversation. Someone intent on really listening to remove and minimize distractions. It may not be enough to flip the book over, or turn the volume down on the television. Instead, mark your spot and close the book, and perhaps set it aside. Turn the television off and commit your attention to the person speaking to you. Effective listening allows the speaker to complete sentences and thoughts. The temptation can be intense to complete the speakers sentences, or briefly summarize what is being said to move the conversation along. The other temptation is to interject unwarranted opinions, advice, and humor as distraction to intently listening. Avoid such interjections until it is asked for or until it is clear that the speaker has completed the expression of their thought. Avoid being preoccupied with what you are going to say, looking for the right spot to jump in, and not really listening to what is being said.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Listening Strategy<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n